WendyK Says:
I don’t really have any questions. Sounds boring I guess. But we seem to be doing good. After nearly 13yrs of marriage we have our rough stops, our fights but honestly we can’t imagine NOT being married to each other. We both agreed when we got married, it was forever. No divorce option is there. We agreed it doesn’t exist to us. So we try to talk out our issues. I’ll admit we have times…………LOL but honestly we are best friends as well as lovers and we make a choice to be in this together. I think that’s a big thing for us. I think I’ll try to get your book, because it never hurts. And I honestly think that early in our marriage we read the FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE and it helped us ALOT to see that we had different ways of showing our love. Didn’t make it less, just that he saw love one way and I another.
hugs,
WendyK
Tim Kellis Says:
WendyK
And congrats on your marriage. Sounds like you address conflicts in the appropriate manner. There are 2 paths taken with conflicts, arguments and disagreements, and the one I am trying to teach is through disagreements, which are logical discussions, even over emotional issues. Arguments, which are emotional discussions, are not resolvable. If you cannot address logically the why with conflicts then you have issues that become unresolvable which lead to what are referred to psychologically as “psychic lesions”, issues that become mental blocks because they are not resolved.
And to address your comment about “The 5 Languages of Love”, if this concept is addressed positively then it can be very helpful. This book has been a huge success. I was at a marriage conference about 6 months ago and Gary Chapman was one of the speakers. He spoke intelligently, eloquently, and very humorously. The languages (acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation) do encompass a wide perspective of the different needs within relationships. If you could understand which one is more important then you can comprehend how best to understand your spouse.
The only problem with this approach is in reality it promotes a quid-pro-quo relationship in negative relationships. “If you give me physical contact then I will buy you things”, and this doesn’t work in negative relationships. Quid-pro-quo never works, the notion of conditional love. What is needed for successful relationships is unconditional love. In reality this concept is an extension of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, which promotes that the key is to appreciate the differences between men and women, and unfortunately the notion of “separate but equal” didn’t work as we have seen with our racial struggles.
And the other problem with that book, and this problem also shows the materialistic approach of the professionals, is its materialism. The reality is he is promoting labor, sex, behavior, money, and communication, but he misses the most important languages, internal languages. The reality is the 2 pillars of happiness, and really the key languages to success are respect and empathy. Unfortunately you will have difficulty finding professionals discuss these 2 concepts because they have yet to breach the ivory walls of the psychology industry.
Please keep in mind with my critical words about the pros, but we as a society expect them to solve our marriage problems and they have yet to do it.
Again, thanks for your comments.
Tim Kellis
http://HappyRelationships.com/
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Divorce is ALWAYS an option. The notion that marriage is somehow sacred and that humans are monogamous by nature goes against fundamental biology. It is a falsehood perpetrated by religious “leaders” with the goal of hijacking the human sex drive and harnessing it to provide legions of loyal followers. As for the secular aspects of marriage, it is a business arrangement, nothing more or less. Marriage is not good by definition, nor is divorce bad by definition, period. What matters is what happens between the two of you and that is no one’s beeswax but yours. if you want to stay married, fine. If you want to split up, more power to you.
The mere fact that you feel the need to proclaim how good you have it in your marriage and that “divorce is not an option” indicates that you may very well be trying to talk yourself out of doing something you’ve been taught is “evil”. If this is true, then consider that the people teaching you this have a history of human rights abuses and other capital crimes that make the Nazis look like Boy Scouts by comparison.
I am not trying to knock your relationship, far from it. I am simply pointing out that social mores that contradict instincts we’ve evolved with for billions of years are utterly worthless for trying to build a long, happy life. I am also pointing out that impermanence is a fact of life. Through divorce or death, your marriage is doomed to end. To say that death is the only acceptable termination of the relationship is such an artificial distinction as to be laughable. Making divorce always an option gives you the power and the freedom to CHOOSE. Making divorce always an option means that you must actively and consciously choose to remain in the relationship each and every hour of every day. The moment you cannot wholeheartedly make that choice, then you need to leave.
Adopt this attitude and your marriage will improve immensely. Refuse to lie to yourself and each other by “taking divorce off the table” and your time together will be better… and your ending, if and when it comes, will be peaceful instead of bitter.
Divorce is ALWAYS an option. I am married and she and I are madly in love with each other and cannot imagine being with anyone else. We make the conscious choice to be with each other every day because we know we have the power and ability to live just fine without each other. You see, immature love says, “I love you because I need you” while mature love says, “I need you because I love you.”
This distinction makes ALL the difference.
Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com
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