So you two have made it past the dating, initial courtship, first & further physical intimacy, agreed upon exclusivity and monogamy, and now you’re ready to settle into the care, feeding, and nurturing of your nascent relationship. Cool. Happiness and fulfillment await you. That is, the odds are good if you’ve both done your homework, laid some groundwork, and made some preparations. Good relationships are not a result of carefully drawn plans and blueprints, but they don’t just “happen”either.

Some things you would think go without saying, but they don’t. It’s easy for us objective observers to see the red flags in others’ relationships, and we scratch our heads and wonder why the principles involved can’t see it. In the initial stages of a relationship we feel great, the sky’s the limit, and we don’t want to entertain the notion of pragmatism or practicality because anything like that might diminish the euphoria. And there’s nothing wrong or unnatural about feeling that way. Hell, the human race could never have gained a toehold on this planet otherwise. But those primal human responses that populated the earth seldom resulted in healthy, mutually satisfying relationships (emphasis on the mutual part). Relationships are like Harley-Davidson motorcycles: neat, wonderful, fun things, but maintenance-intensive. If you’re not prepared and joyfully willing to spend the time & effort and make the physical and emotional investment necessary for a healthy relationship, then you, and especially your potential partner, are better off not taking the plunge.

A few things you would do well to consider:

• Are there going to be any surprises? Some folks don’t like surprises, even pleasant ones. Know this about your potential partner beforehand. Have you omitted anything that you know damn well your “other” would feel they have a right to know, and maybe omitted it because you don’t want to have a disagreement “right now”? Incidentally, you never want to commit the “Crime of Omission” at any point in your relationship. It’s the fastest way to poison trust. Do not, out of some misguided sense of protectionism, withhold the fact that your partner’s friend, boss, etc. came on to you. The old alchemists’ mantra certainly applies here: “In centrum ab uno ad unum et omnia”. Translated from Latin it means: “From one to another and to everybody”. Information is not your property to give or withhold as you see fit. Any time you fail to inform your partner because the knowledge would make him/her angry, because it might screw up employment or a friendship or whatever, you’re asking for disaster. I guarantee you the truth will be found out, and the resulting loss of trust will be much worse than anything that would have happened had you been honest in the first place. And yes, omission is dishonesty. And more damaging to a relationship than an outright lie.

• Don’t try to force compatibility. It won’t work no matter how much you both may want it to.

• When both parties communicate and agree upon protocol, a relationship won’t become a minefield that has to be navigated. Do this upfront. Don’t make the mistake of assuming it will take care of itself. Communication is to relationships what lubrication is to sex (more on both later).

• Relationships that begin based on unbridled passion can survive and flourish, but they’re a different animal and hence require a different approach.

• What about when somebody didn’t really look good to you physically at first, but as you began to like them more they became more physically attractive to you? This has happened to me. Are you prepared to address that awkward little aspect? That one has its own set of traps & pitfalls.

• What about when the very things that attract you to your partner also cause you discomfort? You want a hot, attractive girl or guy for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is in order to get others to envy you. Yeah, it’s OK to acknowledge that. Enjoying that part of it is natural & healthy, as long as it’s a by-product of and not the basis for the relationship. But if, after the novelty wears off you become uncomfortable when your significant other draws attention (which is a quality that attracted you in the first place, after all), then it becomes a liability. Shakespeare is quoted as saying “What every man wants is a virgin who is a whore”. I know that’s skewed toward the male side, but the sentiment goes both ways (I’m having a little trouble finding female perspectives in literature, at least during the Bard’s time. Ladies, help me out?) Having an attractive partner can be a double-edged sword. The attention they get may make you uncomfortable. How well you handle it depends a lot upon how secure you are in your own worth as well as how much your partner reinforces that security.

• You can be territorial without being jealous. If someone inquires as to whether your partner is available and your partner says no, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if the interloper continues to show interest after that, then you’re completely within your rights in refusing to tolerate it. Having manners and observing decorum does not extend to being a doormat. It’s your partner’s responsibility to nip this sort of thing in the bud and let the giver of unwanted attention know in no uncertain terms that continued encroachment will not be tolerated. This can be done without being rude or getting upset.

• Do you know for sure what you want? Are you looking for and ready for a relationship, or do you just feel incomplete and need someone to fill the void? Personally, when and if I’m involved in another relationship, I’d like it to be with someone who is happy by herself but would be happier with me. (That’s all I’m gonna say about me right now.)

• When it’s over, admit it. Don’t keep on persevering in quiet desperation, stoically dragging the mortally crippled thing along on its underbelly ’till it falls off the face of the earth. That only damages both parties, irreparably at worst, and at best leaves you both with more baggage to carry into a next (assuming, of course, you hope for a next) relationship. This is one of those instances when the right thing to do is the most painful thing.

Any and all of these points can be expanded upon, and they really create more questions than answers. I’ll address some of these and other issues in upcoming articles. If you have a question about your relationships, let me know & I”ll help if I can.

In the meantime…

Sleep on it before you hit that “send” button.

Articles coming up:

Emails

What’s Fair & What’s Good For Relationships = Same Thing

Breakup: What To Do When It’s Over - Should you do anything at all?

Sex: YES! (should’ve seen that one coming)

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Tracy Aydelott.