One of our other experts on the site, Jim Ludwig, recently posted the first installment of an article entitled “Recognize your Listening Blocks to Improve Communication”. It’s a very fine article too: informative, well written, and offers some useful information. And it got me to thinking: not all listening blocks are necessarily a bad thing – like the “fight or flight” reflex is not a bad thing. Sometimes a listening block can be a self-defense or a self-preservation instinct coming to the fore.

I think all of Mr. Ludwig’s points of advice are sound and applicable, so long as the person wanting to be listened to is not an emotional bully, has his/her facts straight, and is genuinely wanting and needing to be heard – and not mistaking your good manners for an invitation to attack. And therein lies the rub: it’s not always easy to ascertain the motive of the person wanting to be listened to. Perhaps a little “pre-communication” communication might go a long way toward diffusing that “blockade” reflex. For instance:

Guys want to fix things – we’re wired that way. When girls want us to just listen and not offer suggestions to fix whatever made you sad in the first place, we feel helpless (and therefore worthless). Right now I won’t go into whether that’s right, wrong, fair, unfair, or indifferent – maybe in another article. For now I’ll just ask that you acknowledge that it’s accurate. So girls, if you don’t want your guy to assume that you’re wanting him to feel worthless, then when you want him to “just listen” you need to let him know somehow that it’s not your intention to make him feel worthless (assuming, of course, that’s not your intention).

I’ve wondered about this for a long time – why females as a group don’t seem to understand this simple yet powerful little notion: girls, you can get us guys to do pretty much anything you want, as long as you approach it in a manner that allows us to save face.

Maybe if instead of: “My sister (aunt, co-worker, boss, whoever) is such a bully to me…” – What would happen if you began this way?:

“I’ve mentioned before how bad it makes me feel when I’m bullied by (insert name of bad person). I know you could fix this for me easily, and I know you want to fix it because you love me and it hurts you to see me sad like this. But this is something I need to do myself. I need to grow a backbone and deal with this in an assertive manner, which I’m well on my way to doing. I can’t go on depending upon you to fix everything for me. Please trust me when I say that I’m taking steps to remedy this situation, but right now would you let me just tell you how it makes me feel? Just to have you listen and acknowledge that I have the right to feel this way about it may be just the support I need to be able to deal with this effectively, the way you would want me to. What do you say? In light of what I just now told you, would you be comfortable with just listening to me?”

I can tell you what might happen. You might get a favorable response from your guy. Once relieved of that responsibility we feel (the one to protect you with our last breath from harm and discomfort -physical, emotional, whatever), he may surprise you. He might even be surprised at what he’s comfortable with. And don’t be too hard on your guy for being this way. It’s a very primal, instinctive response. In fact, all of us are just a few generations removed from the time in history when how well that instinct to protect was developed meant the difference in survival – and I’m not talking about survival of the relationship.

And ladies, by taking that sort of approach you are not “groveling”. All of us have the tendency to lapse into defensive mode, thinking things like: “I sound like I’m begging – he/she will interpret that as a weakness and use it to take advantage of me”. You have to trust your partner to not do that. It’s not easy, but it’s really in your best interest. Because if it turns out that the person you thought you could trust really would take advantage of you, then you’ll know it now – not later. And it’s better to find out now than at some future date after you’ve invested even more into the relationship. Oh, and guys, you’re not off the hook. Even though this article tends toward the male perspective, there’s plenty to address about how males could improve the way they approach communication. And you’ll see it in upcoming articles.

But girls, if your guy does respond favorably to a different approach, then that’s a very positive development and by all means don’t abuse it. You must be truthful in your statement about taking care of it yourself. It’s not fair to your significant other, male or female, to allow to continue a situation that causes you sadness, discomfort, stress, or distress. You are not the only casualty – it hurts your partner also. That’s one of the responsibilities you buy into when you enter into a relationship. You are not alone anymore. You have a responsibility to take care of you in every way. Keep in mind that when you’re just driving down the street, you are transporting very precious cargo: something your significant other loves and cares deeply about – you.

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Tracy Aydelott.