If you’re easily shocked or offended, perhaps you shouldn’t read any further. This is not Penthouse Forum, but as the title implies, it’s a frank discussion about sexuality. The intention of this article is neither to offend nor to titillate, but I don’t mince words and I don’t use a lot of euphemisms either. It’s just not possible to have a meaningful and productive discussion about sexuality if you’re not comfortable with the terminology.
So if you’re still with me thus far, then let’s go.
This article is primarily targeted toward males, but females can gain some insight from it also. I don’t expect to be getting any angry responses from female members, simply because I don’t think anything in this or subsequent articles is going to be perceived by women as being offensive. I’m not at all interested in going down the path of “women this” and “women that”. In future articles maybe I’ll address the fact that men & women are wired differently about some things, but if I do it’s because those things need to be discussed in a neutral and non-confrontational manner.
But for now I’ll ask the guys: Do you even want to be a good lover? Does it make you happy and make you feel good to see, feel, hear, smell, and taste your lady’s body responding to you? If you answered yes, then you’re probably a good lover. The talent, technique, and skill in your lovemaking don’t make you good at it, it’s the other way around. If it matters to you what your partner feels from her toes to her scalp as well as between her thighs, then you’ll take note of how she responds to what you’re doing. If she responds favorably to a particular way you give attention to her body, you’ll keep doing that. If not, then you won’t. That’s a little over-simplified, but it’s not rocket science either. I have for most of my life shook my head in wonderment about how guys want sex, but most of them usually go about trying to get it in the most unproductive fashion imaginable. You’d think that males, supposedly being the more analytical of the two genders, would make some observations, catalog what works & what doesn’t, and adjust accordingly. But time and time again I’ve heard some variation of:
“I bought her lingerie (or toys, or whatever), but she’s still unhappy with our sex life”. “She knows I desire her and that I enjoy sex with her, so what’s the problem?”.
Wow, talk about somebody unclear on the concept. And a prime candidate for a rude awakening, but one who will probably never know why things went to hell in a hand-basket.
How important to you is the sexual aspect of your relationship? How important is it to your partner? Is it of the same level of importance to you both? It better be, or at least somewhere close. Just as all the great sex in the world can’t compensate for incompatibility in other aspects of a relationship, perfect compatibility in other areas can’t save a relationship if one of the people involved is frustrated sexually and/or the other feels pressured. Either person might “take one for the team” and keep up pretenses for a while, but sooner or later somebody’s going to become bitter (maybe not even consciously) and the quality of the relationship will begin to suffer and ultimately disintegrate unless you’re both willing to engage in some major communication about it.
When you’re not both reading off the same page sexually (or even from the same book!) it presents some serious problems for the relationship. That doesn’t mean that either perspective is wrong or that anybody is in some way “defective”. And a lack of sexual compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed either. There are any number of reasons for an imbalance in sex drive between two people: medical issues, psychological issues, stress, health & nutrition, and the list goes on. And the ability to actually perform sexually? Every guy knows that the moment you begin to wonder about it, you can forget it. The good news is there is treatment available for these kinds of things. But some things are your responsibility. With sex as with all things, everybody does what they’re comfortable with and what they think will make them happy.
How familiar are you with your lady’s body? I’m not talking about what you see, or what your other senses tell you. What do you know about her, physiologically and psychologically? Do you know where her G-spot is?. You’ve made it a point to find out if she has more than one, right? (Of course you know already that some women do have more than one.) With vaginal intercourse, do you know whether she likes full-stroke in & out or would she rather feel you inside her while she grinds against you for clitoral stimulation? And what about speed and rhythm? Emphasis on pressure forward? Or backward, as she rocks back & forth against you? How gentle or rough does she like for you to be with her breasts? Oral attention to the nipples? Manipulation of the entire breast? Both? Neither?
How motivated are you to find out about all aspects of what pleases & pleasures your significant other? Does she have a fantasy that you can make come true? Is there a particular place or location where she’d like to make out? Girls make connections in their minds between things that guys never think about. Think outside your own head sometimes. It’s astonishing what you can find out.
And then there’s oral sex. I’m assuming this is something that you very much want and like to do because it’s not a chore, it’s a welcome opportunity to experience that intimacy with your lover. You not only love her, but you also like her so much that every square millimeter of her body, inside & out, is appealing to you. And if it makes you happy to make her feel good, you’ll become talented at this because you want to be. To start with, you’ll ask her what she likes. Granted, some women are just not comfortable talking about sex at all, and maybe I’ll address that in another article. But for now let’s continue as though she might be. (Sometimes a girl is initially so surprised by being asked, she’s at a loss for words because it’s never happened before. But those girls usually recover quickly.) Girls are different from each other physiologically. The location of their G-spot(s) differ(s). Girls differ in what sort of stimulation with your lips and your tongue pleasures them most. Some like direct clitoral stimulation, others prefer indirect. Once again, it helps to ask. How much pressure and where? Of that pressure, constant or intermittent? Frequency? Suction or not? If so, then how much? For every possible combination of stimuli there’s more than one girl who likes exactly that particular combination. And among girls who are anal erotic, the response is usually favorable to having that area of their body played with during oral sex. That could be the subject of another article but for now I’ll just say, and I can’t say it enough: lubricate! lubricate! lubricate!
The female body doesn’t have a refractory period. For those unfamiliar with that medical term, it refers to the recovery time necessary after orgasm for the male to have another one. Some people mistakenly think it means that a male cannot maintain an erection after orgasm, but that’s not necessarily the case (though most of the time that’s what happens). It just means that the male body is not capable of multiple orgasms. The female body is, however, capable of such. You’d do well to be aware of and remember this fact. How well you understand your lady’s body can mean the difference: would you rather her have a single orgasm, or have multiple seismic events complete with aftershocks?
And finally, If you value the sex part of your relationship (and therefore the relationship itself), then have your own body in good enough physical shape so that you possess the stamina and endurance to enjoy & have fun with sex. And remember that good personal hygiene may indeed be virtuous, but that’s not why you should be meticulous about it. You owe it to your significant other and to yourself as well to be at your very best for him/her. In the case of health issues or injury, those things can be worked around. I myself am still recovering from bone surgery and the residuals from a bout with pneumonia late last year, so right now I’m not exactly hitting on all eight cylinders like I once was (and will be again soon). But don’t allow your body to become “no fun” because of too much alcohol, drugs, inactivity, or other factors that you have a choice about.
That is, if you care.
Oh, and one more thing: if it ever even crosses your mind to use sex as a weapon (you know, withholding it as punishment or for manipulation purposes), then your relationship really is doomed. Not only that, you should be run out of town on a rail. Sex has to be completely off-limits as a battleground between the two people in a relationship or it just won’t work, at least not in a healthy and functional fashion. The kind of person who would do something like that is a ghoul, a very sick individual who has something so twisted and aberrant inside their psych that there is no redeeming quality to be found there. I can’t emphasize this enough: If any of you, male or female, should encounter one of these people, run as fast as you can in the other direction.
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