“okay, so i met this guy about 2 years ago. well we have never actually dated…but we have both told eachother numerous times, that we like eachother both. well we had our first real kiss last summer right before school started. but i’m in a grade higher than him and so i went to high school and i kinda ruined it with us by not talking to him for a few months. anyways…he just now started dating this one girl who i use to be friends with but she is in his grade so we never talk anymore either. and it seems like they really like eachother, well the other night i told him over text that i love him. he texted me back and was like what? so i was like sorry and he goes, who texted that? i go me? but im sorry. and he goes do you really? and at the time, i couln’t find my phone charger so i told him that i couldn’t really talk at all so i’d just text him later and he goes okay. so i texted him again the day after that and i was like hey.. and he hasn’t talked to me since the night i told him i loved him. but now all over his mysoace is his girlfriend and how much he thinks she is the one for him, and how they love each other. well i really don’t know what to do because i mean i know him and he knows me more than any other person! so like, i REALLY need some of yallsd help….. but i just dont know what to do? and he also lives like RIGHT BEHIND ME! so its kinda hard since i have to see his house… (and also me and his mom and his little brother use to be really super close, like me and him use to be best friends) but please help!!!!!!!??????”

- Kris

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Kris:

It seems to me that you are just going through another adolescent crisis. The problem with many teenagers is that they confuse a need for love with love itself. From reading your message carefully, I really don’t think either you or your friend are in love with one another. In the first place, you didn’t mind leaving him behind when you started attending a new school. You seemed indifferent to his existence until you found out that he was dating a friend. It’s only then that you began taking a renewed interest in him. Is this really love or just jealousy? You told him you love him, but it is obvious that the sentiments are not returned. He didn’t reply to your message and he keeps saying on his blog how much he cares for his girlfriend. Can’t you see the handwriting on the wall? He’d rather be with her than you. So just drop him and get on with your life.

Yours sincerely
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of Getting Enough

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Dear Kris,

Just because he lives just behind you…does not mean it is meant to be? By you chasing this guy? I have a feeling you are missing out on what the world has to offer for love! Don’t reach for the unreachable but reach out for the unlimited possibilities! He is committed elsewhere and prehaps what you carry is not his vision of love but your own!

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!

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Dear Kris,

You’re in high school. At that age, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture because everything seems like such a big deal and that it will last the rest of your life. I know you have a lot of strong feelings right now and may not be able to imagine life moving on but it does and it will. One of these days, you will be able to laugh about this as you fondly recall what will turn out to be one of the many silly stories from your childhood. All of us have many of these stories and they just keep getting better the more we grow and mature. The best thing you can do for yourself is accelerate that process by learning to laugh about it now. Trust me, he is not the one for you. And I will bet you any amount of money you like that “the love of his life” will turn out to be anything but love. As a very old friend of mine once said, “As you slide down the banister of life, remember this as a splinter in the behind.”

- Anthony Hernandez

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Dear Kris,

In my opinion, going into high school is no excuse to stop talking to someone you have feelings for. I mean, I get that he was a grade UNDER you, but why couldn’t you two keep talking ANYWAY?

The fact is, AFTER you stopped talking to him, he found someone ELSE he liked. A girl who WAS in his grade, and DID keep talking to him.

Now, it may have SURPRISED him to get a text from you saying you loved him, but obviously his focus is on his girlfriend. Hence, the myspace page, etc.

On the other hand, I don’t trust text messages and myspace pages 100% either. Because it’s too informal. Who KNOWS who’s at the other end of that. It could be his GIRL who had his phone and received your text to him. Which might be why they said “Who’s this?” when they got it. Who knows? You haven’t exchanged VERBAL WORDS with him though, right?

Anyway, chances are, if he’s totally into her now, you need to move on. So, whatever it was that made you stop talking to him for those few months, DO IT AGAIN!!! It got your mind off of him once, it can do so again. UNLESS of course, you’re only interested in him again now because he’s dating your former FRIEND?

The good news for YOU is, you’re a GIRL. Which means you have TONS of options both IN school, AND OUT of school. Tons of guys who will want to date you. And even if you aren’t interested, go out with your friends and keep yourself busy. There’s no GUARANTEE this guy will be off your mind, but maybe it’ll HELP. If it DOESN’T, then try CALLING the dude. Talk to him PERSONALLY, and tell him how you feel. Then, hear what HE has to say. If he tells you he’s all about your friend, you have to RESPECT that. But at LEAST you got your FEELINGS off your chest. And who knows, you may get a BETTER reaction out of him….

- Jason Love

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Dear Kris,

What you need to do is take a deep breath and stop obsessing over this guy and the fact that you told him that you loved him – even though I believe you were not really motivated by a true feeling of love.  I encourage you to expand your social horizon and start meeting people in high school who are available to date you.  I get the impression that this young man became very appealing to you once he was unavailable and dating a former friend of yours.  What you are trying to to by declaring your supposed love for him is sabotage what he has with this girl.  The only two people who know if this relationship is the real thing or not is the two involved.  If you were serious about being involved with this guy, you would have pursued it long before he met someone else.  I know it is difficult to see at the moment, but your life is just getting started and it is important that you are very clear in your own mind about what you want in the future in a relationship – and what your goals are in dating.  You do not want to establish a pattern of getting involved or in the middle of existing relationships and trying to make something work that it not meant to be with someone who is unavailable.  If you start down this path, it will be hard to break that cycle as the dramatics of this dynamic can become very addictive.  I encourage you to look at married couples that you admire and see how they treat each other.  It is never too early to have these positive visualizations in your mind so that when the time is right, you will be able to attract the right guy who will love you as much as you love him.

- Nancy Pina

But what gets you into the cycle of persistent, disturbing preoccupations that can be so hard to shake? What triggers obsession? The answer I have to offer may surprise you. In truth, whenever you are consistently thinking about a particular person or worried about your partnership, you can be reasonably sure that you are experiencing a feeling you don’t know how to cope with. Obsession is a great signal that something is going on within you. It lets you know that you are experiencing emotions that are too overwhelming to process.

All obsessions are actually a great tactic you use to divert yourself from feelings that seem too painful to face. Obsessions with unavailable people, or anger at your partner, are all ways to distract yourself from feeling the feelings working in you. It’s a detour that takes you away from having to look at your feelings.

So what’s the antidote? Learn to recognize the movement into obsession of any kind and it will be much easier for you to see the purpose of your coping mechanisms. Then you’ll see that you’re using your obsession on that newbie at the office or your favorite performer to distract yourself if situations or feelings are too intense. Train yourself to notice a movement into obsession as a call from your deepest power and you’ll realize that actually obsession is your friend.

And if obsession has a message for you, then you can give yourself the permission to have it be OK to obsess on someone. I don’t mean it’s OK to be a stalker. There’s a difference between thinking about someone obsessively and acting obsessions out. I’m talking about being unable to keep your mind off that cutie you saw on the subway last week, the person you’ve been chatting with on Facebook, or that sexy grocer at the corner store. I’m talking about checking your email 50 times a day waiting for that hottie you had a first date with last night to touch base or thinking about what you could have said to make your lover stay after your last fight.

And I want you to know that no matter who or what you are obsessing on, it’s OK. And knowing it is always OK leads you to a profound place of self-trust. If you cannot let go of a preoccupation right now, know that it is OK.

Also don’t worry. There are ways to tame obsession. Setting a five-minute boundary on what is haunting you is a tool that can often quiet the obsession. Give yourself 5 minutes to fully engage in fantasy. Obsess to your heart’s content. But when the 5 minutes are up, that’s it. Move on. Get back to work, play with the cat, make some lunch. Do whatever is in front of you. And if the urge to obsess comes back, tell yourself that your time is up.

If the preoccupation is persistent, though, looking behind it will always reframe obsession as a wonderful teacher. Just remind yourself that obsessing on a person means that you are in an uncomfortable situation or are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling. Even if you have to do this 50 times a day, the obsession will start to retreat. And then something really wonderful can happen.

Now you have the magic opportunity to use your preoccupations to get closer to yourself. Obsession is a time waster but its purpose is not to waste your time. It’s trying to get your attention so you can manifest all the dreams you have. Chances are that hottie you like will be more attracted to you if you are enjoying yourself, not beating yourself up for obsessing on him or her. Move into your feelings to discover what is really going inside. Give yourself the permission let go of control and be who you are in this moment. Love yourself, even if you are preoccupied with someone else. Obsession will stop and you will move on to great things!