One of the most common problems that middle aged men and women report is the difficulty finding good dating material. Women, in particular, often feel that there is a built-in bias that makes dating more difficult in middle age than it is for men – they argue men often go for younger women. While we’ll leave this issue to be explored further on “The View” and other chat fests, it is important to discuss ways for men and women to try to meet someone.

Some single women and men in middle age are fairly social. Some work, and inherit a social community through their job, while others gain a social life through the network of their children’s activities, church, or other social functions. The most important thing for men and women in middle age to do if they’re genuinely seeking a partner is to get out of the house – odds are that the rap on the door is more likely Domino’s than your knight in shining armor.

That said, where do you go? The best way to plot your course of action is to check in with yourself. What are your interests, hobbies, and passions? If no passions come to mind, stick with your interests. What do you like to do? Come up with a list of things you like to do that are free, and a separate list of things that cost money. Take that last list (the things that cost money) and break it down into categories – inexpensive, expensive, very expensive. Take a look at your budget and come up with an amount of money you can spend each month for the next six months on pleasurable activities.

Next you must come up with a list of possible places where you can engage in the activities you like. Some activities are more difficult to do (playing doubles tennis, for example, because you need other people). Some activities are easy (sitting in a beautiful park and people watch on a nice, sunny day). The list is endless of the things you can do, but the common denominator is to put yourself out there.

The next step – once you’re out there – is to engage with others. Smile and say hello, or feel free to offer your name. Often men and women feel shy but then miss out on the chance to connect – don’t let yourself fall in this trap. Come up with a mantra you can repeat in your head when you are doing your activities in case you start to feel a little silly, lonely, or out of place. Say to yourself “I deserve to meet someone sweet,” or “Step out of your comfort zone and live a little.”

Hopefully these ideas will yield some positive results. Remember that finding meaningful dating material can be tough, so be a good friend to yourself in the process!

Ever since we were young and watching our favorite Disney movies (this was way back in the pre-Pixar days), we learned that in the end, no matter what, love would conquer all.  Love conquers evil spells, giant octopus witches, and even wicked mother-in-laws with appalling fashion taste.  The bottom line is always the same: once we find our true loves, we will live happily ever after, and prosper while we spend the rest of our days in a fabulous castle and never gain weight and never get older (castle, in modern terms, can loosely be translated into a 3 bedroom condo overlooking a body of water).

But, let’s be realistic.  Love doesn’t conquer all.  I propose that the statement should be amended to, “Love may conquer a few things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean everything else in life is perfect or that our lives will magically be complete.”  It has a nice bumper-sticker ring to it, right?

I say this not to be pessimistic, but rather to keep ourselves grounded and have more fulfilling expectations of love and relationships.  We cannot spend our lives waiting around for one person to come in and change everything for us.  The point of finding another person should not be to complete our own lives, but rather to find someone to share ourselves with, and to enjoy another person and value them equally.  As the most credible source for relationships, Alanis Morissette, once said, “I don’t want to be your other half.  I believe that one and one make two.”

That’s why being single is so important.  Often times, people feel like they absolutely must have a significant other, and worry about when the next one will come along when they are alone.  People may become something like urban tigers, hunting for possibilities every time they venture out into the jungle streets, looking for their next prey regardless of whether or not they fit into their ideal palate.  But when we’re single, we can truly make the most of this time, where we have time to reflect and focus on ourselves.  If we don’t have a strong center in ourselves, we cannot expect to be a suitable partner for anyone.  We’ve all dated that unstable guy or girl who you just wanted to scream at, where you just want to tell them to spend some time alone and find themselves.  We all need to look at ourselves, work on ourselves, and be happy with ourselves, before we can be prepared to enter a mature and stable relationship, and this is an ongoing, never-ending process.

Love is, of course, a beautiful thing, and the driving force behind friendships, families, and relationships.  But we have to remember that there are other things in life than romantic love, and that finding “one true love” will not suddenly make everything in the world sunshine and baby kittens (though sometimes it might feel like that).  Ironically, in order to have satisfying relationships, we have to remember that they are not the sole purpose to our lives, and keep a balanced perspective on the situation.

It might be alright in the movies to be centered entirely on romance, but in the real world, this translates into either a.) an obsessive psychopath, b.) the person who texts you every 5 seconds after one date, or c.) constant depression when a relationship fails to live up to the Cinderella standard.

The other ideological masterminds, even greater than Alanis, coined the infamous line “All you need is love.”  I agree with this statement, I just think it’s important to keep in mind that love comes in many forms.  There is romantic love, which can be one of the most powerful, but also our friendships and our relationships with our families, and of course, the love we have for ourselves.

About the Author: Rachel Goldberg, originally from Chicago, is a senior at Indiana University studying Creative Writing and Gender Studies, and writes a weekly column for the Indiana Daily Student entitled “Sex and the Not-So-Big City.” (If you’ve ever been to Bloomington, you’ll understand the mentality of big sexuality, little Midwest town.)  While she has a young, fresh perspective on modern love, she also possesses an age-old wisdom that only comes to those with a plethora of failed relationships.  When she’s not busy writing about the mess that is her love life, she can be found incessantly complaining about it to friends and family.  Her advice stems from college classes, paired with her real-world experience as a college student and columnist.  In her spare time she enjoys going out for cocktails with friends, and then laments the fact that she cannot afford said cocktails due to being a college student.  She was voted “Most Likely to Be on SNL” as a high school senior, but she maintains that this was only because there were seriously no funny girls in the entire grade.

Farmer’s markets- Fresh fruits and vegetables at a one stop outdoor venue, along with the opportunity for a quick outdoor luncheon. A perfect meeting place; single people need to eat too so why not take that opportunity to see if anyone interests you. It’s not always easy to pick out a single guy or girl, but if you make eye contact with someone over squeezing some tomatoes, you just never know!

Concerts in the park- Most cities offer some variation of this and if you live in a major metropolis it is likely there are many in your area in the various surrounding suburbs too. Grab a friend and a blanket and head out for an evening of music in the open air! Take the opportunity to walk around and see the clusters of single girls and guys also looking to meet someone. Don’t be shy, look for an in to opening a conversation.

Block Parties/Art Walks- Many cities and towns have summer weekend art walks or block party events. Check your local newspaper or AOL’s city guide. As noted in my book, The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide to Picking Up a Hottie-written by a woman who loves women, pay special attention to your attire when heading out. These type of events are a great way to meet new people and you never know, one of them can be your next great date!!!

Wine Tasting- Living in Northern California gives those living here an edge to finding many great wine tasting day trips. Get your other single BFFs and find one near you if you know there are grapes grown within an hour or two. Small towns usually have “tasting weekends” that feature low cost tasting fees and draw large crowds. If you don’t know anything about wine, check out vinovixenz.com to find out more.

Camping Excursion- I personally am not a “camping” person but would be willing to rent a cabin up in Tahoe or Big Bear, California with a group of single friends. Visiting places like this on the weekend is a great way to meet other single guys and girls taking a break from the city. This is also the perfect activity for any single parents out there who want to take the kids. So whether you want to bunk down in a cabin or rough it in a tent, it’s a super fun way to spend time with your friends while opening up the potential to meet a new potential date. You should also cruise meetup.com to see what type of meet up groups are around that would want to do camping trips!!!

Final Thoughts- Enjoy being single while you are single! The right person will come along when you least expect it. In the meantime, enjoy your friends and family, and make each weekend special!!

Cheers,

Robbie Lee, author of  The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women.

Check out my web at Robbie411.com and twitter with me: twitter.com/RobbieLee411

Ok, so you’ve been single for a while, but do you know what?  Those in relationships wish they were in your shoes (some of them anyway).  Your time will come when you meet the right girl or guy, so until then, enjoy yourself!!!

Ladies- When is the last time you and your girls got together for some serious girl fun???  I don’t just mean a night out at the local meat market either. I mean a two or three-day excursion to a fun filled, pampered palooza!!!  Even if your girls are married or have boyfriends or girlfriends, get it together and go on a little getaway excursion for some shopping and spa time.  You ladies work hard and you should treat yourself to it.

I recognize in these tough economic conditions budgets are the norm, but jump on the internet and no matter where you live, there is certainly a worthy get-a-away spot within six or less driving hours from your locale.  Check out these spas/resorts and hotels to find a spot near you.  If you don’t currently have the funds to afford a get away, maybe you can work some overtime or a part-time job and squirrel some money away.  If you want to just focus on saving money, I have seen a few articles and books on saving $1,000 dollars in 30 days, but it really depends on your disposable income in the first place. If you are only bringing in 2,000 per month and rent is 900.00, I doubt you will be saving $1,000 in a month.  There are ways everyone can cut back but you really have to focus and write down all of your expenditures.  If you are buying your lunch a few times a week, that’s a good place to start; I cut out my morning banana and bagel and am bringing my morning snack to work and am saving at least 25.00 a month on that.  I also stopped spending money on my afternoon snack by bringing that with my lunch and that puts me at another 40.00 a month savings.  The key is to find where you can cut without making yourself miserable and you will be on your way to your long over due spa/shopping get away.

Of course, if the spa/shopping thing isn’t you and your girl friends’ thing, there are plenty of other choices; hiking, camping, beaching-it, wine tasting, horseback riding, etc.  Do some internet research; you can find exactly what you are looking for.

Guys- Probably one of the top fun things you and your buddies can do is a trip to Vegas, baby!!!!! If you haven’t done it, it is a must and even if you have, I am sure it’s worth a second go around.  Check out Vegas.com, where you can find deals on transportation, hotel, and shows.  I would recommend you keep it a small group, maybe you and three other buddies at the most and get two rooms.  Unless you are college students and on a super tight budget, I don’t recommend four guys in a room!

My top three favorite hotels are the Hard Rock, Palms, and The Hotel.  The pools there are hot too!! As for shows, I don’t know if guys do that together but KÀ Cirque du Solel is pretty good as far as Vegas shows go, but you can always see what bands or singers are performing while you are there.  The House of Blues and Hard Rock are top notch for bands and The MGM for single performers.

If you want to do the clubbing thing, I highly recommend, Pure Nightclub, Rain (at Palms), Ghost Bar (at Palms) and Voo Doo Lounge (at Rio).  You will find a reasonable amount of sexy girls, but get there early or try and get VIP status, otherwise you will find yourself in a really long line.  If you and your buds don’t meet up with any girls but you still feel the need for a little female time, get yourself a lap dance at one of my favorite strip clubs in the country, Club Paradise, just across the street from the Hard Rock.  Again, if you have never been, it is a must!!  In my book, The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women, I talk about one super hottie that I met there and dated for awhile.  Although she is no longer working there, I am certain the club still hosts some of the finest entertainers.  I don’t recommend trying to hook up or date the girls, but it never hurts to give a girl your card if you think she is in to you beyond your cash for dances.

Two pieces of advice: Whether you fly or drive, go up on a Thursday and come back Saturday.  The worst ever is having a hang over on a Sunday with all of the other weekend warriors who did the Friday to Sunday trip.  And second, if you gamble, limit yourself to what you spend on that activity.  You will get more for your money doing the other Vegas adventures and won’t blow all of your money in two hours.  So if you are on a strict budget, don’t roll the dice!

Final thoughts- You will not be single forever, so enjoy your single status while you have it.  Enjoy your friends, family, and the things you are passionate about, because remember, this moment is your life.

Robbie Lee, author of The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women.

Join my mailing list and get invited to the next hottie party at Robbie411.com.

We’re heading into a season that can bring up a mix of emotions for lots of people. The holidays are pretty “loaded.” Energy flies at this time of year. Everyone is in a hurry, trying to get their shopping done; it’s easy to get stressed out. And amid the hustle and bustle, many people get lonely. It’s darker earlier; it’s getting cold outside. It’s easy to feel left out, isolated, and hopeless, whatever your partnership status.

If you’ve also had relationship challenges in the past at this time of year, the holidays may be a time you consider with trepidation. Auld Lang Syne, right? If you are in a relationship, you may have expectations of what should happen, you may want things to go your way, you may get disappointed, sulk, or pout with your partner. If you are single, you may feel alone, doomed, and hurt; or you may desperately search for a date. No matter what partnership situation you are in, the holiday season can trigger a mixture of feelings.

But there is a different way to look at the holidays. If you take the time to re-conceptualize the next few weeks, you can envision the promise that this time of year presents. The holidays actually give you an opportunity to truly love. There is magic in this whirlwind of a season, you just need to nurture it.

If you are in a partnership, make the season special for your partner and for yourself by doing something out of the ordinary: taking in a play, going rock climbing together, or giving each other a massage. If you are single, plan some wonderful simple pleasure like dinner with friends, seeing that Hollywood blockbuster everyone is talking about, or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath with a good book. (This is a great idea when holiday madness really hits. Even if you have to carve out the time—it’s worth it!) And it’s also important to remember that no matter what happens or what your status around partnership is, your bottom line can be — Love Yourself. That’s the gift that will keep on giving.

But don’t get me wrong. I know this is a tall order for lots of people during the next month and a half. Almost everyone has a holiday horror story or two, whether you are with someone or not. There are lots of ways challenges pop up at the holidays.

People who are single may meet with comments about partnership status that can be very uncomfortable, like your tactless aunt who says, “Why don’t you ever bring a date when you come to see me?” or  the person one desk over who keeps hinting that they are free for the company party. You really can get it from every angle at this time of year, and that’s enough to make anyone say ‘Bah-Humbug.’ But if this is the case, plan your response to parents, relatives, co-workers, and even friends. Set your boundaries high and keep your expectations low. Remember that everyone is feeling holiday stress. If all else fails, just walk away if necessary!

For people who are in partnerships, the holidays can also bring several juicy issues to the surface. Meeting your partner’s family, dealing with overzealous in-laws, handling family finances, trying to meet the needs of others, staying connected emotionally to the person in your life, and being present for yourself can present very real challenges. Instead of making another person play guessing games, state what you want in your relationship. Communicate, set boundaries, negotiate. If you need to be alone, take the space you need. If you need connection with other people, take the steps to get your needs met. Remember that you deserve to enjoy this season.

Another suggestion if you are feeling really raw right now is to make a decision to celebrate YOURSELF. The holidays are a special time. Joy, elegance, flowers, cake, special music, and good friends can make you feel terrific and appreciated. Whatever is going on in your life during this wild time, you are a reason to celebrate. With gratitude for all the miracles you have in your life, enjoy yourself! You are worth it.

While some cannot comprehend the fact that there are those out there who actually would prefer to stay unattached for their life time, I believe it is your right to choose how one lives their life and once you have chosen it is not the responsibility of others to try and change their minds.

Being single can be a great way for some to live, they don’t have the pressure of compromising the things they hold dear to them, nor the guilt of doing something that might hurt the others feelings. While some might view this as selfish,  the truth of the matter is that one should always put themselves first in choosing what is right for them in life.

Being single does not necessarily mean being alone, one can actually have a great relationship with another without the proverbial strings that people put on a relationship. The facts are that a person can actually feel they can give more if they are not obligated to do so. The pressure of having is removed and they are free to choose how and what percent of themselves they either are willing to give or the time they actually have to give.

For some this is a result of being raised in a specific type of environment, for others they might have a career they have chosen that does not allow the time for much of anything else, or for some they just feel they haven’t found anyone who they want to commit to.

What ever you choose in life do it so you are happy, don’t date, marry or whatever to appease someone else. Life is too short for some and the quest in life should be to be happy and not cause any harm to others or ones self.

What does it take to have an extraordinary relationship? Consider the following. For those of you currently single, right now, you may be single and have been for quite awhile, or you may be relatively newly single (i.e. on the rebound), or you may be single and have no desire to be in a long term committed relationship. For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be an extraordinary relationship, or you may be in a “good” relationship, or while you may be in a relationship you may be planning your escape. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, the answer to the question posed to open this article is the same… basics.

Basics? That’s probably getting a few good laughs right now as you consider the person you are currently with or some of those you have been with in the past. For those of you laughing and for those of you that may be confused, you are about to learn something… it’s all B.S. It’s all about Belief Systems. Simply put, these are all those wonderful things you believe about the topic of relationships… also known as your rules. Here’s some cliché “rules” – Men can’t be trusted. Women can’t be trusted. Men are such slobs. Women are so picky. Men only have one thing on their minds. Women are so needy. Can you imagine what kind of relationships one might be having if they had beliefs like these? Here’s the amazing part though. The same people have great achievements and accomplishments they have celebrated in their lives. Here’s what we know about people who achieve. They go after what they want and they do it regardless of the rules. Can you remember a time in your life when you loved breaking the rules? Wouldn’t now be a great time to do that again? Do you have any idea what this B.S. may be costing you or someone you care about (emotionally, physically, even financially)?

Back to basics… the first rule to creating an extraordinary relationship is to let go of all the rules. Everyone reading this article has developed their own B.S. based on their previous experiences or the experiences of others, in particular the experiences they don’t want to have going forward. Do you know what that is? It’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). More than 90% of the population is driven by their fears and will do anything to avoid the perceived pain associated with those fears… including developing some great B.S. that keeps them from having an extraordinary relationship. Think of it this way. A plant either grows or… dies. Your car when moving either goes forward or… backwards. So, when you are so focused on your fears, you are not focusing on… what you really want.

Are you familiar with a movie that came out a few years ago on DVD called “The Secret”? The premise of the movie was the “Law of Attraction” and its role in our lives. While much of the movie explored financial and materialistic elements, the same holds even more true on an emotional level. If you focus on the pain in a relationship, you will see and experience what? That’s right. Pain. Focus on a wonderful relationship and what are you likely to experience? That’s right. Joy. Passion. Love. Test this with your own life experiences. Maybe you had a heart-throb in your teens or 20’s. During the first month, it was amazing, outrageous, fun, playful, exciting, sexy, loving, sensual and simply awesome. Then maybe 6 months or a year past and everything was anything but all those amazing thoughts. What really changed? There is little doubt that your focus changed from what you really loved to what you really did not love. That said, if you are not quite getting what you want, when now would be a great time to change your focus?

Another powerful basic is what we communicate. Consider the words that come out of your mouth (or words that you type on a keyboard or write on paper)? Think back to the example above. What words did you commonly use during that first month? He’s so… She’s so… Fast forward 6 or 12 months. What words did you find more common? He’s so… She’s so… This is simply another derivation of what you focus on. Ever have a friend say, “careful what you wish for?” These are all things we communicate. So, if you know your words (verbal, in print or in thought) would benefit from a more positive shift, when now would be a great time to change?

One more element under basics is you physically. Once again, let’s revisit the example above. During the first month, how did you carry yourself? Did you sway or have a swagger? Did you put a little extra effort into your appearance and make a great first impression when you walked into a room? Did you walk upright and with confidence? Did you eat healthier? Did you feel more alive and well rested after a night’s sleep? Now, let’s move to 6 or 12 months later. Did all of these things magically shift? Instead of a swagger, did it seem more like a schlep? Was getting ready to go out now 5 minutes of whatever, with mirror optional? Was your gait now more slumped over and did you seem to lack confidence? As for eating, does anything go? And as for sleeping, what sleeping? A good night’s rest was rare. These are all example that our physical being mirrors our outcomes. Knowing this, if physically everything is not where you believe they should be, again, when now would be a great time to change?

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose the words (and the tonality) of what we communicate. And we choose how to physically present ourselves. At the same time, many would contest the word “choose.” The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things that drive you and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

This article is the first in a series by the author that maps the creation of an extraordinary relationship. Again, you may be in one of a number of situations regarding relationships. For those who have a pretty clear view of what isn’t working, these basics will address your concerns as well. You are invited back to continue this journey towards the relationship you truly desire.

]]> http://advice.lovedetour.com/afink/relationship-basics-what-drives-us%e2%80%a6-and-what-doesn%e2%80%99t.html/feed 7 http://advice.lovedetour.com/sunny4578/change-opportunity.html http://advice.lovedetour.com/sunny4578/change-opportunity.html#comments Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:03:23 +0000 Sunny Wang http://advice.lovedetour.com/?p=41 Many people have the fear of taking chances in life because it means we have to make necessary changes that may be very uncomfortable for us. As human beings it is our nature to find our own comfort level. Once we define that level, we tend to stick to it for a long time until one day our environment forces us to get out of that comfort zone and find a new place where we can be comfortable again. What many people don’t realize is that making changes means creating more opportunities or possibilities. In the business world, we call this phenomenon “Opportunity Cost”.

Being in a long term relationship can be quite comfortable for us some times even though deep down we know the relationship might not work. This is due to what we refer to as “Convenience”. By staying in the relationship, it doesn’t involve challenges and changes. Therefore, this defines your comfort level.

For example, Luke has been with his girlfriend Mary on and off for 5 years. Luke is physically attracted to Mary, but he hates the fact that Mary doesn’t get along with his Mother. He doesn’t think he’ll marry someone that doesn’t get along with his family, but at the same time he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to find someone better than Mary. Mary on the other hand enjoys Luke’s company very much, but she thinks Luke is not very ambitious with his career. She is also afraid of losing Luke. Therefore, they chose to stay together to avoid any uncomfortable changes in their lives. After a year, they finally decided to break up and move on with their lives.

This is a typical scenario of opportunity cost. If Luke and Mary had decided to split before, they would have been forced to get out of their comfort zone to make changes in their lives. If they became single they would have had more opportunities to meet other people which could potentially lead to someone they would marry. Consequently, when both people have doubts about the relationship after they have tried to improve it without any progress, it indicates that the relationship will not work. At this point, you have to make a decision to move on. This will allow you to get out of your comfort zone and start creating new opportunities for yourself.

Being in a relationship can be comfortable due to convenience, although some people find comfort from being single but not by choice. In the other words, these people want relationship but they are too afraid to get it because lack of confidence and again, changes. These people should ask themselves, “How do I create opportunities for myself to find that special someone?”. By sitting at home in front of the TV every day is not going to do you any good unless you are very active with online dating and social network websites. Of course, online dating is another way for you to open more doors. However, there are many other things you can do to create your own opportunities, such as joining a local special interest club, where people there already share a common interest with you.

The worst thing one can do is not doing anything. For instance, Mike has been single for 2 years since the break up with his ex. He was actively pursuing girls right after the split, but because he was rejected a few times at the bar he started having doubts about himself that if he would ever find the one. Thus, he completely gave up on the bar scene and even going out with friends. Now, he’s very comfortable being alone even though in the back of his mind he knows he wants a girlfriend. This describes another scenario of being comfortable. If Mike would just go out with his friends to simply have a good time, his chances of meeting someone is much higher than him staying at home playing video games. It’s these small opportunities that will create the chance for you to meet someone eventually. If you had to recall all the people you have dated before, how many times did you unexpectedly meet someone you liked? I’m sure everyone can think of at least one case, because I can!

Change is opportunity, if you don’t feel something is right, it’s probably not right; simply change the way you do it. Eventually you will find the solution to the problem. Never allow yourself to be too comfortable with something you know it’s not good for you. Self-improvement comes from change.