“I have been married 2 years now. We knew each other for about 8months before we got married and moved in together after our marriage. My husband is very honest, helps me with our daily chores, we go out for dinner, shopping and movies together. But I do not find him romantic. I find his sex drive too low. We never had sex before marriage. Ever since we got married, we have sex utmost 3times a month. I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. I am definite he is not cheating on me, but i do not get enough attention from him. He travels a lot and I anticipate his return, excited for him to be back home… but he is always in the same neutral mood. I find that a big turn off. I love him, but coz of the way things are I am starting to doubt myself. I do not know how much longer I will be able to hold on to this relationship. My question for you is – How do I make my relationship healthy? What can I do to improve the way things are?”

- V Raj (30)

“I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 19. We have been together for almost five years. we are not living together. we are both college students. the past couple of years have really been bad for our sex life. Right now we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month and even then it seems like a chore to her just to get me to stop asking. She claims she’s a sexual person and she said that I am not the problem. She recognizes the fact that she has a very low sex drive and blames it on being stressed, tired, not feeling good, etc. and we have talked about it before and I have explained how it makes me feel emotionally closed off from her. She says she will change because she feels bad and wants to have a better sex life…but…we have sex the next day…and then another couple of weeks will go by before we have sex again. My definition of sex is any kind of sex, oral or vaginal. Both are rare. We are getting to the point where we should be moving on with our relationship and getting engaged and all that, but the fact that I am not happy with our sex life is stopping me from really wanting that commitment. I have always felt that sex is a big part of a relationship. I know that I would not want to be married to her if this is going to be the peak of our sex life. If our sex life is not going to get better then I dont want to be with with her because my unhappiness will cause an overall unhappiness within the marriage. So i guess what I am asking is what should I do? Should I keep waiting for change? Or should i finally come to the realization that I’m simply beating a dead horse?

P.S. A few more facts about us:

she is not on birth control.
we are not religious.
for the first year of being together we were very sexual but didnt have sex until a year and a half into the relationship.
she does not like to experiment sexually. i do.
she has low self-esteem even tho i tell her she is pretty, hot, cute, sexy and anything else you could think of.
I am always more than willing to do whatever it takes to bring her to climax.
she used to ask me to go down on her and everytime she asked i would.
I can’t talk to her about sex and how she is at it because she only gets defensive. for example. whether we are in the middle of sex or after it, if i ask her to do something a little bit different because what she is doing doesnt feel good, she gets upset (mad sad frustrated) and gives up and stops.
Although we dont live together. we are together most nights because i stay at her house or she stays at mine.
she cheated on me (only made out with someone and that person touched her chest) but she told me right away and i forgave her. this was last summer.
Sometimes the conversation about sex runs into a “chicken or the egg” type concept. where she says she doesnt have a good sex drive because she feels like im distant. but i say that im distant because of the lack of sex. she argues that i shouldn’t let “just sex” effect our relationship that much. and I argue that sex is a very big part of a relationship and that making out or anything sexual in nature is the way that I feel loved. Just as me telling her she is pretty and stuff is the way that she feels loved. She learned the “different ways love is expressed and felt” in a relationships class and she says she understands that the way i feel loved is when she is sexual with me. yet she will not do anything to change permanently. she has said she will “change” at least 3 separate times. the conversations spanning that of the past few years. MEANING i do not bring it up and “hound” her about it constantly. I give her time to change. And only when i feel so frustrated and unhappy is when I bring it up again.

Sorry for Rambling. I just know that there is no black and white answer because there are no black and white relationships. no two relationships are the same and I know there are probably a million other things I could tell you that may shape your answer differently but I suppose this will have to do for now. Thank you for your time. Sincerly. I thank you.”

- Scot (20)

Some people are capable of doing many things well while under stress; but being in the mood for sex and/or feeling sexy usually isn’t one of them.

So enough jabbering here and let’s get on with identifying 5 common stressors that decrease or eliminate one’s sex drive. (And remember, some of these sex drive killers have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner – what a sense of relief!).

Stressor #1: Prescription Medication – Many prescription drugs have the side effect of decreasing one’s sex drive, especially the commonly prescribed anti-depressant medication Prozac. Other classifications of drugs that have loss of libido as a side-effect include: chemotherapy, antihistamines, blood pressure medication (Lipitor) some oral contraceptives and ant-HIV medications.

Solution: Talk to your prescribing physician and ask them if they can change the medication you are on for one that offers the same benefits – minus the loss of libido side effect.

Stressor #2: Parenting – the kids are exhausting you! If you have a new baby in the home, that sweet little bundle of joy requires what feels like 24/7 attention. Or maybe you have toddlers running around who possessed an inordinate amount of energy – or school-aged children that need to be chauffeured around – everyone – causing you to run out of steam by the end of the day!

Solution: Get a babysitter or family member and get out of the house for a day, an overnight and/or long weekend. Do it – even though you might be feeling too exhausted to arrange this – consider it to be like exercise. You don’t usually feel like doing it, but once you do, you are so glad you did.

Stressor #3: Poor Body Image – Most of us don’t look like we did when we were 21 years old anymore – but we lament this fact and let it get in the way of how we feel about not only our bodies but our selves as well. In other words, poor body image promotes poor self-esteem. Poor self-esteem makes us feel unlovable – and feeling unlovable lowers our sex drive.

Solution: Your partner fell in love with you – your heart and soul. A few pounds gained throughout the years do not diminish the value of who you are in the heart of your lover. (Chances are they don’t look 21 anymore either). If you have gained a few pounds over the years, (and who hasn’t?) you might consider adding exercise to your daily routine – even if it takes the form of simply walking the stairs in your office instead of riding the elevator. Do whatever you need to do so you can begin to feel better about your body image. And whatever you do – please remember – the images of the models on the cover of all those magazines are air-brushed and touched up until the cows come home. Please don’t think “real” women look like that. I sure don’t know any that do!!

Stressor #4: Alcohol – Yes, alcohol has a reputation for reducing one’s inhibitions when it comes to sex, but alcohol is also a common cause for numbing your sex drive. (FYI – your partner might not be in the mood for getting it on with someone who is intoxicated).

Solution: Keep the alcohol to what is considered to be a reasonable amount for you. A slobbering drunk isn’t sexy any where –including the bedroom. Hey, I’m not saying you can’t have a drink or two – just don’t imbibe to the extreme.

Stressor # 5: Lack of sleep - whether this results from worry, insomnia, or sleep apnea, sleep deprivation creates body fatigue. And fatigue zaps the energy you need for sex – interfering with your sex drive.

Solution: Make it your priority to get enough sleep. If you have a medical condition that you think might be interfering with your sleep, see a physician. If you are sleep deprived because you love to watch late night TV- tivo your shows and watch them another time.

So as you can see, a low sex drive might be the result of stressors outside your romantic relationship. Please make any changes that are necessary in your life style to insure you are doing everything within your means to increase your sex drive so you can …

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
twitter@drpattyann

Some people are capable of doing many things well while under stress; but being in the mood for sex and/or feeling sexy usually isn’t one of them.

So enough jabbering here and let’s get on with identifying 5 common stressors that decrease or eliminate one’s sex drive. (And remember, some of these sex drive killers have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner – what a sense of relief!).

Stressor #1: Prescription Medication – Many prescription drugs have the side effect of decreasing one’s sex drive, especially the commonly prescribed anti-depressant medication Prozac. Other classifications of drugs that have loss of libido as a side-effect include: chemotherapy, antihistamines, blood pressure medication (Lipitor) some oral contraceptives and ant-HIV medications.

Solution: Talk to your prescribing physician and ask them if they can change the medication you are on for one that offers the same benefits – minus the loss of libido side effect.

Stressor #2: Parenting – the kids are exhausting you! If you have a new baby in the home, that sweet little bundle of joy requires what feels like 24/7 attention. Or maybe you have toddlers running around who possessed an inordinate amount of energy – or school-aged children that need to be chauffeured around – everyone – causing you to run out of steam by the end of the day!

Solution: Get a babysitter or family member and get out of the house for a day, an overnight and/or long weekend. Do it – even though you might be feeling too exhausted to arrange this – consider it to be like exercise. You don’t usually feel like doing it, but once you do, you are so glad you did.

Stressor #3: Poor Body Image – Most of us don’t look like we did when we were 21 years old anymore – but we lament this fact and let it get in the way of how we feel about not only our bodies but our selves as well. In other words, poor body image promotes poor self-esteem. Poor self-esteem makes us feel unlovable – and feeling unlovable lowers our sex drive.

Solution: Your partner fell in love with you – your heart and soul. A few pounds gained throughout the years do not diminish the value of who you are in the heart of your lover. (Chances are they don’t look 21 anymore either). If you have gained a few pounds over the years, (and who hasn’t?) you might consider adding exercise to your daily routine – even if it takes the form of simply walking the stairs in your office instead of riding the elevator. Do whatever you need to do so you can begin to feel better about your body image. And whatever you do – please remember – the images of the models on the cover of all those magazines are air-brushed and touched up until the cows come home. Please don’t think “real” women look like that. I sure don’t know any that do!!

Stressor #4: Alcohol – Yes, alcohol has a reputation for reducing one’s inhibitions when it comes to sex, but alcohol is also a common cause for numbing your sex drive. (FYI – your partner might not be in the mood for getting it on with someone who is intoxicated).

Solution: Keep the alcohol to what is considered to be a reasonable amount for you. A slobbering drunk isn’t sexy any where –including the bedroom. Hey, I’m not saying you can’t have a drink or two – just don’t imbibe to the extreme.

Stressor # 5: Lack of sleep - whether this results from worry, insomnia, or sleep apnea, sleep deprivation creates body fatigue. And fatigue zaps the energy you need for sex – interfering with your sex drive.

Solution: Make it your priority to get enough sleep. If you have a medical condition that you think might be interfering with your sleep, see a physician. If you are sleep deprived because you love to watch late night TV- tivo your shows and watch them another time.

So as you can see, a low sex drive might be the result of stressors outside your romantic relationship. Please make any changes that are necessary in your life style to insure you are doing everything within your means to increase your sex drive so you can …

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
twitter@drpattyann

“This guy that I like just recently agreed to be my boyfriend. The only problem is, we don’t live in the same state, neither of us have a car, and he seems to have lost his sex drive. I believe it may be because before we got together, whenever he wanted to engage in phone sex, I didn’t really give him the impression that I wanted it, though I did it anyway. So my question is, what are some things I can do to help him get his sex drive back, or what can I do to make him desire me again?”

- Jessica

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Jessica:

It seems to me that there is something very flawed about your relationship with this young man. You live apart and can’t see one another often. He wanted sex over the phone which you were reluctant to give, yet accepted nevertheless. This may be the problem. He may be sexually dysfunctional, and incapable of being aroused unless he can fantasize about a person at a distance. The only way to ascertain whether this is true, you must spend a weekend together. Try to convince him that you care for him very much and that you want to show your feelings in a very physical way. Encourage him any way you can. If he responds, you’ll know the relationship is real. If not, it would be best to look elsewhere.

Best of luck,
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough

————————————————————

Dear Jessica,

OK let me get this straight: You live hundreds of miles away from each other, you can’t easily see each other, and you’re worried about his lost sex drive that you helped him lose by not being as into it as he is? You created a situation where you two can rarely be together and you just weren’t that into engaging in about the only form of anything resembling physical intimacy available to you… and you think that you have something worth saving? A 21 year old man needs about as much help “getting his sex drive back” as a forest fire needs gasoline. Face it, he’s just not that into you… which is fine because you’re just not that into him either. So what’s stopping you from finding someone a little more local? That’s the real issue here, in my never-humble opinion.

- Anthony Hernandez

————————————————————

Dear Jessica,

Sounds like you have quite a problem on your hands. Has this guy lost his sex drive COMPLETELY or just his interest in YOU? Because you mentioned phone sex, and how he used to always WANT it, but you kind of DIDN’T. If I were him, I would’ve lost interest, TOO. I’d suggest doing whatever it was that turned him on to you in the FIRST place. Try initiating phone sex, or the subjects he used to get off by. Trade nude pics, make videos, etc. Light a fire under him. If THAT ^^ doesn’t work, chances are, you missed the BOAT on THIS one, sweetie. Probably should have shown more interest before he went away. But the good news is, you said all this happened BEFORE you got together. So, if you hooked up even AFTER his disappointment, he obviously still liked something ELSE about you, DESPITE your lack of sexual energy.

- Jason Love

————————————————————

Dear Jessica,

Save yourself the heartache…long distance realtionship can work if  you both want it to succeed. But it seems to me you are already at a loss and life as well as love is too precious to waste! This has nothing to do with sex drive…there is more to this story then meets the eye?

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!

————————————————————

Dear Jessica,

Long distance relationships are a challenge to keep alive at best and you give the impression that this guy really is not ready emotionally, physically or spiritually to engage in this type of commitment. I do encourage you to take a look at what you want out of a relationship and make definite goals about the type of person you want to attract into your life.  Physical intimacy is something that should be shared within a marriage and it is through dating that you find a person who brings the qualities and characteristics that are appealing to you.  There is nothing wrong about saving yourself for the right person and being committed to high standards for what you have to offer in a future committed relationship.  Showing yourself respect is the only way to have other people treat you with respect.  I know this may seem like a relationship to you, but it is not and you are too young to devote a lot of time, energy and effort into trying to make yourself into a fantasy image for this guy and engaging in activities you do not want to do.  There is a wonderful guy who will love you as much as you love him and will not ask you to do things that are degrading and inappropriate.

- Nancy Pina