Do you like it hot and sweaty? Slow and easy? Would you rather have a quickie or a lingering session? Or maybe some of everything, depending on your mood?

No “right measure” of sexual quality exists, although I’d argue that an essential element is that both partners freely consent to participate. Beyond that, the only thing that counts is whether you feel good about the experience during and after the encounter. No guilt, no regrets, no worries.

One way to ensure that both you and your partner enjoy the quality of your sexual activity is to agree on what you expect from it. If you enjoy anonymous sex with no strings attached and your partner hopes that a great sexual encounter implies the start of a relationship, you’re using very different yardsticks to measure quality.

Sex can have many benefits, one of which can be sweaty fun. Other benefits can include increased intimacy, relaxation, increased self-esteem or energy, connection between partners, exercise, and spiritual connection. I don’t list orgasm because in the scheme of what makes partnered sex great, a climax is akin to a cool drink at the end of an exhilarating run. It’s refreshing, but if a drink of water is all you need, there are more efficient ways to get it.

If you define great partnered sex by its overall pleasure potential, you will enjoy more creative, emotionally satisfying encounters than you would if you focus on orgasm. Think about what gives you sensuous pleasure, and share your insights with your partner. Some things to consider include:

· Before you get involved, discuss with your potential partner what your expectations are. If you’d like your partner to spend the night, say so; if you want to wake up by yourself, be honest about the limits of your connection.

· Define pleasure as behaviors that feel good and create intimacy rather than actions that result in orgasm. A romantic dinner can be an incredibly sensual experience, as can be reading an erotic novel aloud to your partner.

· Discuss your pleasure boundaries. While it can be exciting to explore new positions, activities and toys, neither partner should feel coerced at any time.

· Instead of your typical routine, focus intently on the sensual possibilities of stroking hands, feet and hair; kissing; massage; petting; body rubbing; or bathing together. How else might you enjoy giving or receiving pleasure?

· Protect yourself emotionally. Consider the positive aspects of sexuality such as feelings of attraction, love, confidence, and self-worth. Don’t hop in the sack with someone who won’t inspire those feelings.

· Protect yourself physically. If you’re with an opposite-gender partner, discuss contraception. With any partner, use condoms or dental dams to protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Next up: The Mysteries of Female Orgasm

Sexuality is a construct best understood by looking at a model created by Dennis Dailey, PhD.

The model consists of five interlocking circles representing Intimacy, Sensuality, Sexual Identity, Sexual Health and Reproduction, and Sexualization. Within each circle are several elements, as follows:

· Sensuality involves your level of awareness, acceptance and enjoyment of your own body and others’ bodies. Its components are skin hunger, response to aural/visual stimuli, sexual response cycle, body image and fantasy.

· Intimacy is the degree to which you express and have a need for closeness with another person. Its components are caring, sharing, liking/loving, trust, vulnerability, self-disclosure and emotional risk taking.

· Sexual identity is how you perceive yourself as a sexual being. Its components are biological gender, gender identity, gender role and sexual orientation.

· Sexual health and reproduction relates to your attitudes and behaviors toward your health, childbearing, and the consequences of sexual activity. Its components are sexual behavior, anatomy and physiology, sexually transmitted infection, contraception and abortion (spontaneous or induced).

· Sexualization is the use of sexuality to manipulate or control others. Its components are media images/messages, flirting, seduction, withholding sex, sexual harassment, incest and rape.

None of these elements exists in a vacuum, e.g., a person with a lot of skin hunger – also expressed as a need for physical contact – may be frustrated in a relationship with someone who does not like to touch or be touched.

Personal experiences, values, spiritual beliefs and cultural values shape and affect everything about your sexuality; therein lie some big challenges as you try to mesh the truth about our sexuality with what you’ve been taught is acceptable, expected, pleasurable or healthy.

Ideally your sexual actions will be congruent with your values and best interests. For example, if you have unprotected sex and value biological parenthood, you need to know how sexually transmitted infections may affect your fertility. Values come into play when you interact with someone whose sexual interests clash with your comfort zone. An older person will benefit from knowing how to accommodate age-related changes in sexual function and physiology.

I look forward to helping you better understand sexuality and express your interests, needs, joys, and concerns, whether you are single or partnered. You are welcome to ask me questions and suggest topics that you’re curious about. Sexuality is a fascinating, important topic, and we will have fun exploring it together.

Coming up: Expanding Your Concept of Sexual Pleasure