Let me get right to the point. “What’s stress got to do with sex”? Everything!! What? “Everything”! Absolutely!!! Stress is pretty high up there as on one of the top reasons for why couples are not having sex! So I thought it would be important to identify some stressors in our lives that might be getting in the way of, or actually completely killing, our sex drive.

Some people are capable of doing many things well while under stress; but being in the mood for sex and/or feeling sexy usually isn’t one of them.

So enough jabbering here and let’s get on with identifying 5 common stressors that decrease or eliminate one’s sex drive. (And remember, some of these sex drive killers have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner – what a sense of relief!).

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Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not.  I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship.  The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction.  That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.

I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction.  The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things.  The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children.  She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce.  She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store:  THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life.  Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies.  Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well.  Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting.  Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay.  They lived in an idyllic setting on an island.  They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water.  Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.

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People ask me all the time for dating tips and advice, and I definitely have some current favorites. Whether you’re back on the dating scene after a divorce/difficult breakup/death of a spouse; whether you were plain old dumped and are afraid to have your heart broken again, a single parent, are intimidated by online dating, wouldn’t know where to start or even what to say if you saw someone you liked, or are simply starting over, try these on for size.

1. Don’t lead with “sexy” unless you want someone to value that most about you!

2. You don’t need to “sell” yourself. Remember that who you are is not for sale.

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Every person is well aware of how true and powerful the quote “the tongue is mightier than the sword” can be. Hurtful words can create more lasting and devastating pain and suffering than any wound inflicted by a sword. One of the secrets to increase romance and happiness in your relationship is a couple’s ability to avoid emotionally cutting words, while presenting less than flattering feedback or information to your partner (sometimes referred to as constructive criticism). By doing this you will be able to get your message across to your partner without getting the messenger — and your relationship — killed along the way!

Allow me to provide you with an example. Imagine your partner puts on a new outfit with a pair of pants you believe is really ugly. You also think this pair of pants tends to exaggerate an already unattractive part of their body. For arguments sake, let’s say this new outfit makes your partner’s butt look large. Okay, maybe it makes their butt look unbelievably large.

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Once again, current research has shown how people in happy committed relationships are healthier and live longer than people who aren’t in these types of relationships. Why? Because these couples have the emotional support of each other when the you-know-what hits the fan. Having your partner’s support takes a lot of the sting out of a stressful situation while having the added benefit of bringing you emotionally closer to each other.

We all experience all types of stress in our lives. People in happy relationships; however, experience these stressors differently because they have the support of each other. So how do you and your partner de-stress your life and your relationship in 2010?

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Add to the list of recent exposed cheaters NFL star and Today show correspondent Tiki Barber. He joins the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards – and these are just the people who’ve been exposed recently. Every time we turn around it seems someone larger than life is being brought down by confessions or allegations of infidelity.

Barber announced he’s leaving his wife of 11 years (who’s eight months pregnant with twins, I might add!) for his 23-year-old mistress, a former NBC intern. It seems like infidelity is spreading like an epidemic and I do believe infidelity and adultery can be treated like a disease, brought into the light, discussed and thereby hopefully rehabbing those who have faced it or succumbed to it. In fact, not long ago it was discovered that there’s a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners, thereby making them less or more likely to be disposed to infidelity.

I’ll have one fabulous relationship; hold the full spectrum of unpleasant human emotion please!”

Used to be, it could bring me to the edge when anyone would tell me to “calm down” or “just relax.” “OH, you think THIS is upset? Well, you haven’t seen upset!” I would declare, and there I’d go as predicted, directly into orbit. These experiences collected and cemented my inherited belief that I was too much, too big, high-maintenance, and ultimately perhaps a bit crazed.

All this was about a million years ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the car at a stoplight with my boyfriend at the time, who just happened to become the human sacrificial straw that broke this camel’s back. He asked me quite simply why I had to be so dramatic. What I heard was, RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

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Sure, it is important to tell our partner we love them – no doubt about it. But, as the saying goes, talk can be cheap; therefore, back up those 3 little words: “I love you” with actions that validates the true meaning of those words.

1. Write love notes and leave them in the most unexpected places. Notice I didn’t say write love letters – that can take up too much time. Just write short, little notes expressing your love for your partner and leave them in a place where they will least expect it. For example, put the note on the driver’s seat of their car. Or maybe write the words “I love you” in a steamed up mirror when your partner is taking a shower. Or you could put a note in their lunch bag or under their pillow. You get the point – be creative and have fun!

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