First off, I’m going to write a disclaimer:  I’m not trying to be negative here, I’m just trying to prepare you for what will happen in the near future.  The following is an example of what happens after you’ve been in a relationship for quite some time.

Month One: “OMG, he’s as classy as James bond, dances like Fred Astaire, and is as laid back as a cuddly Koala Bear on Quaaludes.”

“Dude! This chick is insanely awesome, she’s not like other girls, she brings me rum and cokes with ninety percent rum, she doesn’t mind my smoking and she said she wants to please me in the sack and do whatever I want, including bringing other girls into the bedroom!”

After a Year: “Yeah he’s changed, he doesn’t take me dancing he just sits around his apartment watching B rated horror films in sweat pants with a huge hole in the crotch so he can scratch himself.”

“Every night she nags the bijeezus out of me for drinking and smoking too much and she’s about as active in the bedroom as a dying sloth.”

Don’t worry, they’ll say it to their friends not you, but someday it’ll get back to you and tick you off.  Just remember everyone exaggerates.  The only time guys and girls get into a “my partner is better…” contest is in the movies. In real life people compete to see who has it worse, and the way to accomplish this is by exaggerating, lying or legitimately forgetting what really happened.  Here’s an example of the forgetting part: A local radio deejay had his wife on the air with him and she mentioned how he went to Florida while she was recovering from a knee injury.  He reminded her that he was in California for his mother’s funeral.  She quickly retracted realizing she forgot about the funeral.  The deejay then told her that she probably told all her friends that he abandoned her while she was recovering to have fun in California. She did.

It’s tough to have the person you’re in love with or falling in love with exaggerates about us, but there’s an easy coping mechanism:  Whenever they exaggerate, make your exaggeration ten times worse when talking about them.  Okay, okay, that was a joke.  DO NOT do that!!! Best way to handle it in front of their friends is be very calm and tell them, “There’s some truth to it, but they’ve exaggerated quite a bit too.”  If you get defensive and angry, that will be a sign to the friends that the exaggeration may be true.  The best thing to do is smile and then excuse yourself for a moment.  Go to the alley where no one can see nor hear you, scream at the top of your lungs, punch the dumpster, and kick a few alley rats if possible. Put your game face back on and go back inside.

Later, explain to him/her that the exaggeration hurt you and please don’t do it again.  If you approach it that way then I guarantee they won’t do it again.   BWAAAH!  Sorry, I thought I could say that with a straight face.  It will happen again, but so what as long as it’s not something that is personally destroying your life and future, just let it go.

In conclusion, I’m not saying you’ll be chastised as always doing wrong stuff, I’m not saying that at all.  Not until one of my future articles so be patient.

Following are 7 simple ways or guidelines for handling money issues throughout your relationship so you don’t have to end up fighting about money. Consider these guidelines to be your relationship tools for keeping the spark alive in your relationship whether you are dealing with the “richer” or “poorer” times in your relationship.

1. Know thyself. Be aware of what money really represents to you (this might require a little bit of soul searching here) – and do not impose your attitudes and beliefs about money onto your partner.

2. Know what money really represents to your partner. And don’t try to convince them that they should be more like you! (I know you know what I mean).

3. Communicate your individual attitudes and values about money to each other so you develop a joint strategy you are both comfortable with. Think of this as your financial blueprint for relationship harmony! Develop a clear, concise plan for how you use your money; that is, how you spend it, and how you save it. If you happen to come into a financial windfall – an inheritance or you hit the lottery (hey, somebody has to win) – discuss and develop a strategy for how you will use that money. Money that people “fall” into is often the start of a very slippery slope for the unraveling of relationships if plans for these monies are not discussed. This is why you need to be very clear on guideline #3 folks!

4. When you find you are at a crossroads when it comes to money issues, clearly communicate your differences to each other using respect as your baseline. This will avoid all the finger pointing, blaming and accusations inherent in the following statements: “You don’t care how I feel about blah, blah, blah when it comes to spending money” etc., etc., etc.

5. When differences regarding financial decisions come up ( and they will ) respect these differences without accusing the other of being cheap, irresponsible or spending money like it is going out of style. Doing this will keep the issue focused on the differences regarding the finances and avoid the pitfall of entering the dead man’s zone of character assassination!

6. Keep money in its proper perspective in your relationship. Money does not define your relationship or your love for each other. Do not allow money to come between the two of you. Keep your love and respect for each other at the core of your relationship and defend this love at all costs!

7. Love is the platform whereby all financial decisions will be made –“in good times and in bad, for richer for poorer”. Make no mistake about it; money is an absolute necessity in life. If we use love as our platform and respect as our baseline, money will have its appropriate place in our relationship. Although all differences regarding the handling of money might not always be reconciled, we will at least be able to “agree to disagree” respectfully regarding money issues. Let’s not forget what we all know to be true – money is merely a commodity in our lives. Money cannot buy love and it cannot buy happiness!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
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First dates, first kiss, first times…are so essential to how we form our ideas for love. But what does love have to do with it? Today, everyone has their own perception of what love should be. Some of the most common reasons are for romance, solid relationship, compatibility, future, financial stability, kids, etc…While some of might settle for a lesser version of the dream, it is our own unique vision that keeps us out there searching for love.

I have come across women, who have actual lists of things someone must have before they will even date?

Here is a short list of examples:

20 – 30’s: how active are they? Fun-side can be anything from playing games to drinking, feeling invincible to everyday issues, interests etc…

30- 40’s: ambitions, focus, direction, wanting a family, plans or dreams for a future, etc,,,,

40 – 50’s: Financial stability, relationship with family and friends, over-all health, must have their own car, rent or own their own home, retirement plans, etc…

While some points like personality, when was the last relationship, honesty, communication, appearance, etc… can transcend all age groups, there are significant differences as we get older.

It is in the early course of dating that we can believe our search for love is over. No matter what the age, we put away all our insecurities and give into our hearts with our best efforts for another chance at love. It takes time to really get to know one another, but I think as women, we are more susceptible to rushing into a relationship without much thought relying more on the passion or emotional connections from the new encounter.

In a moment things can change, we go out to the bar to have a few cocktails with the hopes of meeting someone. In that instant, when you first speak to someone, chemistry has a funny way of taking over. It can be over-whelming, when our basic human instincts take over, but can chemistry be confused for love or passion for heart-felt emotion?

For some women sex can be just a physical act, often times this can be enough to sustain us but for other’s the need to love and be loved, is so strong that sex is not just a physical act but a commitment. It is so important to communicate your wants and needs with the people you meet or intend to date. A friend of mine always had this great line when asking someone out, she would say “Are you in it for a good time or a long time?”. It is an honest enough statement, I’m just not sure how truthful someone’s answer can be. There has to be some connection, passion, chemistry in order to be intimate with someone in the first place.

I know some of you are thinking this is not always true, a case in point would be someone who is considered a player. It is the one’s who do not disclose that can potentially cause someone a lot of emotional distress.

It is not unlike our parent’s time, where people married and literally stayed together, “Until death do us part”. There are so many of us wishing to experience even a small part of their success. This may form our first initial version of love and it changes as we begin to experience it for ourselves, we then begin tailoring this idea to fit our own wants and needs.

In the span of 30 yrs of being out, I have met a few couples who have made it pass the 20 year mark and it holds true for every successful relationship. What is the secret? I always ask…” We love each other very much and know that no matter what life throws at us. We are there for each other. A strong faith and respect for one another as we allow each other to be who we really are with no illusions. The unique qualities of who we are as individuals makes us stronger as a couple. As well as appreciating the fact that love does have a lot to do with it, but so does trust, respect, commitment, communication, etc… That life is not always sunshine and rainbows but that in the heat of any storm, you must weather the tough times to really appreciate what we have and share together.”

If we are lucky enough to find love then we must be willing to accept the responsibilities that go along with it. Even if it means putting aside our own egos, our own wants and needs as we strive to encourage one another’s dream. Though life can often become predictable or comfortable. It is too easy to give into the temptation for the sake of feelings that come along with new love. But what is left over when the new wears off and you find that life with this new person is not what you envisioned, but a cheap imitation of an ever elusive dream that will not stand the test of time.

There are many things I have come to realize, while in my search for love, the most important is that I cannot change the person I am, intense, romantic, passionate, complex, loving and forever the dreamer. Who will put it all on the line for one more chance at the fairytale…Hello Ms. Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

Would you marry you? If you were/are single, are you the kind of person you’d be looking for and want to hook up with?

Sure, we all want a partner who is our version of the Perfect 10. But truth be told, we cross our fingers that said Perfect 10 will settle for a Strong 7 and overlook a few of our less than perfect traits. When you’re dating and doing your best to impress the object of your affection, you’ve got a couple of things working for you: (1) your sweetheart is blinded by falling-in-love hormones, and (2) you’re on your best behavior. You’ll never seem more like a Perfect 10 than in those too-short falling-in-love days.

Unfortunately, being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach—you can’t do it forever. The more comfortable you are in the relationship, the more likely you are to slide from a Perfect 10 to an Almost Perfect 9 to a Slightly Flawed 8 until you become the “real you.” It isn’t always pretty. Worse, at just about the same time you’ve become the “real you,” those falling-in-love hormones ease up so your sweetheart can see you (and all your flaws) more realistically.

Step outside yourself for a moment and then turn a critical eye in your direction.

Start with the outside. Do you take pride in your appearance? Are you carrying a few extra pounds? Are you in ratty old clothes more often than not? If your personal grooming and pride in your appearance have slacked off, there’s a good chance your partner’s assessment of your “perfection” has gone backwards a notch or two. Your sweetie may not have said a word but—and you can bank on this—your sweetheart has noticed.

Now, take a look at the inside. Do you like what you see and are you proud of you? Or, do you secretly agree with Woody Allen that you wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have you as a member?

Low self-esteem is a major cause of relationship failure. A person with low self-esteem has difficulty seeing issues clearly, often hears criticism where there is none, suffers from jealousy, is afraid to communicate openly and honestly, feels at fault for problems that arise in the relationship, and may be needy and dependent. People with low self-esteem often compensate by being overly critical of others, defensive, and self-protective. If you see yourself anywhere in that description, it’s time (perhaps past time) to do some work on you. The closer you are to the kind of person you’d want to marry, the better partner you’ll be. The better partner you are, the better relationship you’ll have.

Do you treat your sweetheart as you want to be treated? Yep, it’s that Golden Rule thing. If you want your sweetie to greet you with a smile, if you want your partner to respect your feelings, privacy, and opinions, if you want your honey to be respectful, and so on and so on, then you know what to do.

Are you as interesting as you’d like your partner to be? As charitable? As understanding, kind, and thoughtful? Does thinking about your answer to the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall question—would you marry you—make you squirm a bit?

If you have been able to identify any reason why you wouldn’t marry you, you now know what you need to work on to be a better partner.

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Author of Amazon Bestselling Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon or Shela’s website.

“Me and my bf have been going together for a yr and sometime now. he recently broke up with me because he said he doesnt trust me. im at the lowest of the lowest right now. he is in the military and is leaving for the uk next month. i want to win his trust back. i love this guy with all my heart. i want to gain his trust back. idk if he is doing that because he’s leaving for the uk. but i feel so hurt right now. i am studying to go to the military i feel thats my only option for him to trust me again….. is there still a little hope?”

- Dashara (19, Belleville, IL)

“My friend got advice that helped her on here and told me to try.

My boyfriend ignored me and thought i was uncool at school and now he says he loves me, i said yes but i think its only a joke?’

- Beckie (14)

“I Broke off with my boyfriend an year back as he moved abroad for his studies and moreover he said he was getting very serious for me but was sure that we cannot have a future as our families would never approve our relationship. Just after our break up he nearly begged to be friends with him. We decided to be friends. After two months he himself told me that he was in a relationship with some other girl and that was also a long distance relationship.

We were in continuous contact after that. We even met once after that and we kind got intimate in that meeting(intimacy of not a very high degree). I told him that I was not over him. He said he was thinking about me but he also accepted the fact that he was in a relationship with some other girl and called it a “sin” to think about me.

We continued as friends after that and we are still in contact.
He often calls me and if i dont take the call he calls me like 9-10 times in one
go. In our last conversation he said that he is very happy with the relationship we share and gets upset when he thinks about the past.

I STILL MISS HIM AND I LOVE HIM ALOT.
BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT ME. I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP!!”

- Ria (20, India)

“I have been dating a girl for almost two years she says she is not an affectionate person. She will never hold my hand or even look at me in public. But when another guy comes around is perky and will talk to them about anything. Do you think she is embarrassed by me?”

- Anonymous (20)

Tell me you don’t change when you start a relationship.  Not you right? Then why do you sound like Tiny Tim combined with Mr. Rogers when she calls you?  Maybe you always sound that way especially talking to the guys about the malicious hits the Bears were putting on quarterbacks…back in 1985 that is.  Don’t worry we all went through it and it’s okay.  In the beginning of relationships we really think the girls love socks with holes in them, the Foghat t-shirts we got from a carnival, and the Flobee haircut.  On the positive side, her changing you is a sign that she really likes you, but dislikes your style.

So, how do you know when she’s starting your transformation?  You’ll find her going through your closet.  There’s three phases you’ll typically go through and each one has the possibility, chance, who am I kidding, the guarantee that some sort of discussion (aka, argument) will occur.

The first phase is shopping. She’ll take you to stores you never been and buy you clothes you never dreamed of touching your skin. You’ll be flustered, scared, intimidated, but again it’s okay as long as the employees aren’t laughing at you.  Then you spend all this money on stuff you hate?  Tell her you’re willing to try something different and these new clothes are something you’re not used to and tell her not to take any criticism of the clothes personal.  Saying that will spare you some ringing ears compared to telling her she’s trying to change you from a sports fan to a clubbing metro sexual yuppie.

The second phase is wearing it.  At the store you may be thinking it’ll be awhile before you have to wear it so no big deal.  Time flies and you’re girlfriend’s annual clubbing night will fly up and those clothes will be hanging on the bathroom door handle with a sign saying “Wear this tonight honey bunny.”  Once it’s on and you’re looking in the mirror, hopefully you like it, but if you don’t, just tell her that you’re still not used to it, but will give it a shot (along with a dozen shots of whiskey at the club).  You can avoid the second argument by keeping your mouth closed.  More than likely you will say something along the lines that the shirt makes you look like a douchebag beer muscle guy that you despise.  Don’t say that because she’ll make sure to tell all her friends that you hate that shirt.  Her friends will tell you that it makes you look hot.  Yeah, just as hot as Howdy Doody wearing a Ed Hardy shirt, but they tell you that so you don’t burn the shirt right then on the dance floor.

The third phase is being in trouble for not wearing the clothes. After awhile you’ll be hiding the clothes in the closet. You can’t get rid of them because she’ll know you threw them out so hiding them is the only option.  Phase three is a reiteration that you’re not “in” and why can’t you wear Spanx like every other guy?

The bottom line is we all have to go through it and it is acceptable. If any guys give you crap just remember those are the guys going home and masturbating late night to any skin he can find on the Benny Hill show.  Oh right, since my days of doing that cable and internet have greatly helped out, but you know what I mean.

In conclusion, deal with her picking out the clothes at store.  Over time that’ll fade away and she’ll give up.  However this does not relieve you from her choosing your clothes. In fact she will choose your clothes up too your funeral.  I recommend paying attention to how she dresses you for different occasions.  Then you can impress her like you did with your mother when you were able to dress yourself in Garanimals.  Good luck!

Keith Makenas, writer

“The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes is not a flute. A donut with no hole is Danish.’ He was a funny guy.” Ty Webb

“PLEASE HELP!My husband freaks out at me for no reason, if I ask about porn, or masturbation. Just so you know, I love both. No issues here. He’s denied both, over and over, even calling me crazy, and telling me I’m calling him a pervert to think something like that about him! (What does that make me?) He makes me feel small for even thinking he would do those things. I later found out he enjoys them both. A lot. Then comes the sex hookup sites, which he blames on a friend, using his email account. His friend is married and uses them all the time. My husband has been friends with him since 5 years before he met me. It’s been a year, and he still starts arguments about the stuff on the comp even tho I tried to move past it. Once he told me that he cheated and it was a one time thing, in which case right away, I jumped up and grabbed him you know where. (This was all going on when I was pregnant and we were arguing about this for months) Afterwards, he denied it being true, saying he only said “what I wanted to hear, and he never cheated at all.” He still sticks to this even tho it’s been all this time. I have to mention that herpes is involved, and he says he got it from me, since I sometimes have cold sores. I hadn’t had a cold sore in almost 2 years at that time. What I want to know is, should I believe him? He’s very defensive over small stuff, and gets very angry, when I ask. Also, I might add, he is 44, and was single for 12 years before me(save a 6 mos relationship) and I am 30 and not too bad in the looks dept. He says he’s lucky to get someone young and prety like me so why would he cheat? He even keeps asking to take a lie detector test! I wonder if he is acting strange because he isn’t used to being in a rel. and really doesn’t know much about them, or if he got stuck on sex sites because he was single for so long, and can’t stop himself now. I’ve asked both questions, but it just makes him mad either way. It has to be one or the other. Either he’s clueless or he’s cheating. What do I do?”

- Rose (30, Ontario)