“My boyfriend watches ALOT of porn, which doesn’t bother me at all. My problem is that he is somewhat inexperienced and seems to think real sex should be like it is in porn movies…multiple and uncomfortable positions, lasting for hours, etc. How do I tell him that I don’t like this without damaging his ego? I’ve tried using guidance in the bedroom but he just goes back to what he thinks is good.”

- Alicia (31)

“I work 6 days a week and pull at least 12 hrs a day and now that I started working my boyfriend has started watching porn. We have a son and have been togeher for 3 yrs. He knows I hate porn but here lately when I go to bed if we dont have sex before I go to bed he watches porn. What should I do bc it makes me insecure bc of it.”

- Jordyn (20)

“I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and there are a couple of things that i cant get over, He watches porn all of the time constantly when i am work i feel like he has become an addict. i have keylogger so i know that he watches it alot. I have asked him to stop it and no matter what i say he doesnt . I feel like a maid i have 2 kids with him and i work while he stays at home. and when i come home from working the house is trashed, it feels like i get off one job and start another if i dont clean and do laundry it doesnt get done, again i have asked him to please help and he says that he was tired or lazy. but he had enough time to watch porn all day. what do i do i feel like i cant take much more of him he wants to not help with anything it is either eating watching porn or playing the xbox or watching movies. and as soon as i get hme most of the time he goes down to the basement or to a friends house, all i want is a working relationship that i am proud of and i seem so far away from my goal.”

- Sarah (24, OH)

“PLEASE HELP!My husband freaks out at me for no reason, if I ask about porn, or masturbation. Just so you know, I love both. No issues here. He’s denied both, over and over, even calling me crazy, and telling me I’m calling him a pervert to think something like that about him! (What does that make me?) He makes me feel small for even thinking he would do those things. I later found out he enjoys them both. A lot. Then comes the sex hookup sites, which he blames on a friend, using his email account. His friend is married and uses them all the time. My husband has been friends with him since 5 years before he met me. It’s been a year, and he still starts arguments about the stuff on the comp even tho I tried to move past it. Once he told me that he cheated and it was a one time thing, in which case right away, I jumped up and grabbed him you know where. (This was all going on when I was pregnant and we were arguing about this for months) Afterwards, he denied it being true, saying he only said “what I wanted to hear, and he never cheated at all.” He still sticks to this even tho it’s been all this time. I have to mention that herpes is involved, and he says he got it from me, since I sometimes have cold sores. I hadn’t had a cold sore in almost 2 years at that time. What I want to know is, should I believe him? He’s very defensive over small stuff, and gets very angry, when I ask. Also, I might add, he is 44, and was single for 12 years before me(save a 6 mos relationship) and I am 30 and not too bad in the looks dept. He says he’s lucky to get someone young and prety like me so why would he cheat? He even keeps asking to take a lie detector test! I wonder if he is acting strange because he isn’t used to being in a rel. and really doesn’t know much about them, or if he got stuck on sex sites because he was single for so long, and can’t stop himself now. I’ve asked both questions, but it just makes him mad either way. It has to be one or the other. Either he’s clueless or he’s cheating. What do I do?”

- Rose (30, Ontario)

“A couple of years ago, 2.5 to be exact, my girlfriend discovered pornography in belongings that were stored at the storage facility, as I had recently moved in with her, and had no room for my stuff. I had no knowledge of her discovery, as she decided to go through my belongings without my knowledge. Trying to discover dirt on me, I guess. This did not surface immediately, as it took about a month for her to confront me about it. I was honest, told her that it had accumulated over the years from friends who had moved on. She didn’t believe me, accusing me of purchasing these items. This went on for months, until I finally lied, and said I bought them all. This didn’t change anything, and I finally told her that I had lied about buying the videos, hoping that it would put an end to this. So since I’ve been caught having the items in my possession, it’s been a never ending argument with her over the years. I’ve since ended friendships with my female friends, as she believes male and females CANNOT be friends, as this may lead to a relationship, I no longer hang with my male friends, because she believes they may steer me in the wrong direction, and now she’s accusing me of going to strip clubs during my work day. Not to mention we received SPAM in our joint email account, and accused me engaging in some sort of relationship with this individual. It was quickly difused, as we received something vary similar a day later, from a different addressee. My only freedom right now is coming to work, and home (prison). HELP!”

- Inamess (36)

“I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. At the start of our relationship everything was fine, we were great for a year really but within that first year I found out he wacthed porn I told him my feelings about this, It’s so disrespectful to women, and we had our first rough pacth and he said he wouldn’t watch it again. About a year and a half in I find out again that he has been watching it, this time it’s a bigger issue, we had a really big talk about it and the fact that he’d been keeping it from me. He also told me that he liked other girls and imagined getting together with someone although he was with me =O We had a rough patch for about 2 months then everything was fine again and great still apart from this.

Now here comes the BIG one. We’re 2 years and 3 months in, he’s just had his birthday, I asked him how he was getting on with not watching it anymore, and he blurted out again that he still was, more so than ever, even though we had sex nearly all the time we saw each other. I was mad, upset, and I couldn’t trust him, I don’t think I do today, after 2 months after this we decided to move in together, and we were quite bad shouting at each other all the time and me not trusting him and hating him, but knowing that deep down I loved him.

Now, I know he’s been faithful and hasn’t wacthed porn etc.. but I feel hate towards him, And everytime I say ‘i love you’ I’m not sure whether i mean it or not anymore, for the past 6 months I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t know what to do. We’re working throgh a relationship’s in conflict book, but nothing so far seems to have come from it except that his anger has got worse, and my shouting has too.

What should I do? I’m confused and need advice, I think I love him, but because of being so hurt in the past I don’t know how much longer this will last..”

- Sara (20, Birmingham, USA)

Lessons for Women

Women have wondered forever what it is about porn that mesmerizes so many men.  Some of us have tried to participate with our partners only to find ourselves feeling like Hell afterwards.  Others of us have found ways to make it part of our sexual lexicon with mixed results.

Let’s face it.  Outside of the industry, it is difficult at best for a couple to comfortably fit porn into their relationship.  Men, on the other hand, generally have no problem keeping as part of their lives for their entire lives – whether they hide it or not.  It is a very popular source of entertainment, sexual gratification, and oftentimes – a coping mechanism.

The reasons men like it are as varied as the men who like it.  However, there is one thing I discovered in my own research that is a recurring theme.  Men thoroughly enjoy the attitudes of the women involved.  The women are generally average looking.  Most times, they are not extraordinarily beautiful the way many of us imagine.  However, they do appear to thoroughly enjoy sex for the sake of sex.  They act like they enjoy everything about the sexual experience.

This is a valuable insight that women would do well to find a way to incorporate into their real life encounters.  Men don’t need you to be a sexual pretzel.  They don’t need tricks out of the ordinary to be satisfied. What they do need is to feel desired – sexually and totally.  Men crave approval and acceptance at least as much as women do.  They have different ways of showing it, but it’s true.

Bottom line – men want us to want them as much as they want us.  They want us to surrender ourselves to the ecstasy they create for us.  They don’t want us to be controlled and conservative.  They want us uninhibited and free (without a salary or a script)!!!!

Here’s what I suggest – enthusiasm!  Show it.  Don’t hide it.  Don’t pretend.  Be creative and inventive without violating your sensibilities.  You’ll probably surprise yourself with the things you come up with.  Experiment, play, enjoy.  But here’s one thing you should never do – never do anything that you both can’t agree on.  Force and coercion should have no place in intimate exchanges.  Other than that, be open (no pun intended – smile) and leave no doubt in your man’s mind that you are excited about sharing yourself with him.  You won’t regret it.

Speaking the truth in love,

Deidre

About the Author: My mission in life is simple. I am here to be a voice of reason in an unreasonable world; to be heard by those who may not hear another. As I witness personally and culturally the wholesale decimation of the state of our relationships, I believe it is far past time that someone at least say something to stem the tide.

Sure, there are many things that can be blamed for the multiplied millions of casualties. However, the exponentially growing pervasiveness of the attitudes of inbred entitlement and the corresponding irresponsibility are what I perceive to be at the very heart this wanton wave of destruction.

With that being said, my intention is to bring discomfort – perhaps even offense. In the process though, I will be jolted from my own inertia and complacency. In the process, I will take all with me who are willing to go.

So buckle up. The ride will be bumpy, but we’ll be all the better for our endurance.