* This article contains information of a sexual nature. Before you can continue to read this article you must read and agree to the following. By clicking the link “Read More”, you signify that you agree to the following terms:

• It is legal for you to view sexual material your locality,
• You are old enough (over 18 years of age in most countries) to view sexual material in your locality,
• You wish to view material of a sexual nature,
• You willfully and without coercion choose to view material of a sexual nature.

Get “her” done. That is the modus operandi for far too many guys in the bedroom. Unfortunately, what it really means is get “it” done. Far too many of you don’t bother or worry about getting “her” done. This is because you don’t take the time to give her adequate foreplay time to achieve a maximum level of arousal. If you follow my suggestions, she will BRAG on you to all of her women friends and relatives. You will achieve a new found level of respect.

You can take my techniques and add your own. These suggestions are just designed to stir your imagination.

1. First of all, you have to stop thinking about getting yourself off, and decide that you want to follow the James Bond model of manhood insofar as spoiling women and pampering them. Women want to feel loved and cherished and not just getting laid.

2. Secondly, You can try by brushing her hair. Women love to have their hair brushed. Then progress to giving her a total body massage. Be sure to do her whole body from head to foot. Pay particular attention to her butt. She has nerve endings there that she does not even know that she has, all connected to her vagina. Also pay attention to her feet. All of her nerve endings come together in her feet.

3. Next, undress her SLOWLY. Let the anticipation build. She will enjoy being undressed by you. Don’t take off her bra and panties yet. Leave them on. Now start kissing her and caressing her all over avoiding her breasts and vagina. Stroke her hair, caress all around the erogenous zones.

4. Now start lightly stroking her nipples through her bra while continuing to kiss her. Stroke your finger just inside the cup and stroke all around. Then take off the bra slowly and start licking her breasts all over and then gently start sucking on them, gradually increasing the pressure as she is comfortable. Then, start kissing down her belly and stroking her lightly with your fingertips. Kiss and stroke down her belly past her vagina and do all the way down her thighs and calves. Come back the other side all the way back to her vagina. Remember her panties are still on. Put your mouth over her vagina and blow hot breath through her panties over her clitoris. Then insert a finger inside the leg band of her panties and stroke all around without touching her vagina. It will drive her wild!

5. Next, insert your finger inside the leg band of her panties and pull the crotch away to the side. Start licking between her vagina lips up an down. When you get to the top of her vagina, you give her clitoris a quick lick and go back to licking between her vagina lips. Then insert your tongue inside of her vagina. Stroke it in and out. She will be moaning and giving you encouragement at this point. You then begin licking her clitoris. Here is where you can really become a hero in the bedroom. You can gentle pull back the hood of her clitoris and directly lick the clitoris. You can then suck the clitoris between your lips and begin to suck on it like a woman performing fellatio on a man. The clitoris will actually become hard like a male penis and achieve an erection. You can give her an orgasm by giving her clitoris a blow job.

6. You can also use what I call the “machine gun tongue” technique. This is where you lick her clitoris with lightening fast motions to bring her to additional orgasms. You can do this by flexing your tongue against your upper lip and flick your tongue past it. By flexing your tongue against your upper you can actually flick your tongue faster for your partner’s pleasure.

7. Finally there is one more thing that you can do for fantastic foreplay. After having given your honey numerous orgasms, she will be begging you to take her. You can give her a real thrill. Hook your hand in the waist band of those panties and give one hard rip and literally rip her panties off. This will simultaneously scare her and excite her. Every woman has a secret rape fantasy. She does not really want to be raped but she wants to be taken forcefully and roughly by a self confident man. The key to using this fantasy, is that you want to make sure that she is highly aroused.

Go out and use this stuff. This is part of a chapter excerpt from my book. If you would like to know when it comes out, just send me an email to marriagecoach1@yahoo.com. If you want help with your relationship I will give you a free half hour consultation as well.

(yesterday)

I wake up from a fitful night’s sleep, glad that it is time to get up and begin my day. While still half-awake, I feel into my dreams to see if there is anything important there, but the dreamscape is silent. Over the past few nights I’ve been working a lot in my dreams, getting downloads of unconditional love, so I suppose it’s okay to have a dreamless night! Still, I feel a little disappointment that I have nothing to mull over.

Some mornings I slip right into meditation in my cozy bed, but this morning I remember that my guides have been telling me to meditate outdoors, to get more deeply in touch with nature. I go out to the pomegranate tree and arrange myself on the yoga mat with my blanket and drop in. It feels good to hear the birds singing, and I listen to the hummingbirds chasing each other and drinking their morning nectar for a moment before I start my hour of solo practice. I begin with the breath of fire, waking myself up, and feeding my inner fire with short sharp breaths. As I do the practice, I wake up, and start to feel life force flowing into my body, opening up the same channels that sexual energy flows through.  I start to feel warm, and I remove the blanket. As I continue to breath, a smile starts to come to my face, and a happiness fills my belly. Ahhhhh. I feel a deep inner stillness at he center of my belly, surrounded by a gentle warming flame. I feel GOOD.

After the breath of fire, I work with my chakras, breathing into each one and clearing it out. AHHH, this feels good too, like taking my morning shower. my physical and emotional body starts to feel clear and clean and open. I give thanks then, gratitude for everything the day before that gave me joy. And I spend a few more minutes sitting in stillness, listening for what Spirit wants to tell me today. I check in also to see what I need to know for my clients today. What will they need? Usually I get a little taste in my body of one thing that they need most, a guidepost for their healing session.

Now it is time for the day to unfold. I dress and shower, and make my way to the temple. Once there, I prepare the space. This is one of my favorite parts of the day, making the space beautiful, burning incense and sage, lighting candles, playing soft music. I am ready to begin.

My first client arrives and we work on some challenges that are unfolding in her relationships. She wants to learn to center more into herself, to find her power as a woman, and to connect with her own sexual self. I spend an hour listening deeply to her, channeling information from my guides, and teaching her practice. Today we work with movement, because she is ready to RELEASE! We dance and breathe and learn to do a deep clearing of each chakra center with the breath and movement. She lets herself move her body and releases deep sounds of anger that she didn’t even know were store inside of her. Afterward she feels energized and relieved. I send her home with some music to use in her daily practice.

Now it is time for me to attend to business, and I ground myself in the everyday as I answer email, take phone calls, edit the website, and many other mundane tasks. It helps to balance me to spend this time, and rather than feeling resentful about it, I am grateful for the variety in my day.

I take a nice long break at lunch time to care for my body, because for me a large part of the practice of tantra is to care for myself. Today I go to yoga class and eat nourishing food to replenish myself for the afternoon and evening.

Now the day shifts and becomes more intense. I have a RED session today—deep and powerful hands-on work. I will be using my sexual/life force energy (and that of my client) to open, to heal old shame and guilt, to allow more freedom and ecstasy in sexual connection, This work often follows for my clients after an intensive study of breath and meditation and movement practice.

I take an hour to prepare the room, lighting candles and incense. I put sheets on the bed, and call in my animal guide allies to hold the space. As I call in Black Jaguar I hear and feel a loud purrrrrr, and I know that this will be a yummy and powerful session, that there will be deep pleasure and an opening.

Once my client arrives we spend 3 hours experimenting with tantric touch. I begin by listening to him share about how the work has been integrating since our last session, a lingam massage. He is excited about learning to move sexual energy through his whole body and starting to have whole body orgasms in his self pleasure practice. Anchored in himself, he’s eager today to learn more about sharing this larger sexual/heart/spirit energy with a woman.

We begin with meditation, imagining ourselves to be trees, rooted in the Earth and branched into the stars and the sun. Once we are feeling strong and loved by the Divine, we begin intentionally connecting, flowing our roots together and interweaving our branches as trees do in the forest. We see vines growing from our hearts, connecting and entwining us with love that begins to flow back and forth. As we disrobe,  we flow into touch and breath and how to work those together, stay present, and bring diversity to the ways we connect and touch. I show him how to create safety with Earth touch, and I drop into feeling him give that to me. He feels the joy of having a woman totally receive him as a man. We move to water, total loving touch, then fire, deep sexual passion, and come up into air, tingling and vibrating from all this blissful energy. We keep experimenting as he finds his way into a giving that is as blissful as receiving. Time seems to dissolve as we both push the envelope of the bliss barrier, seeking the place where we can allow ourselves to be bigger, and finding the obstacles that keep us from receiving pleasure. We feel pleasure deeply in our bodies, and still I hear the voice of Spirit speaking gently and quietly in me, helping me to track his energy and his needs in the moment, helping me to be his guide on this blissful ecstatic journey. My guidance allows me to hold space for him and to give him all the unconditional love in my heart. In the light of that unconditional love, he melts, and his heart opens to a blazing fire, aligned with his body, his lingam, and his Spirit. He tells me that he feels like an eagle, soaring above the earth and seeing all his life and all his relationships in perspective for the first time.

We come back to earth at the end with berries, chocolate, cheese, and crackers, and bask in what feels like the afterglow of sex, even though we haven’t actually made love. I feel into how big my energy body feels, and look to see how much his face and eyes have changed from when he came in.  He tells me how profoundly the session has changed his perception, and promises to check in a week from now by phone to share how it is integrating into his life.

I say goodbye to my client and turn my mind once again to self care. I have learned that this work requires a lot of that! I shower to ground myself, I sage to bless the space and the work. I go out and walk, I eat. I give thanks for the beauty and healing power of this work and notice how connected I feel to the trees and the birds in the park. Life is good and my heart is full of love and bliss.

Namaste,

Kypris Kypris, Dakini and Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality”.

Yabyummy is a teaching temple that provides a tantric path to gain sexual wholeness through breathwork, visualization, and tantric massage. We are committed to unifying sexuality with spirituality and spirituality with sexuality for growth minded men, women and couples.

The information contained in this article, by its nature contains sexual content and images. This is a subject only for mature and concenting adults. In order to continue on into the rest of this site, please read and accept the following disclaimer:

* This article contains information of a sexual nature. Before you can continue to read this article you must read and agree to the following. By clicking the link “Read More”, you signify that you agree to the following terms:

• It is legal for you to view sexual material your locality,
• You are old enough (over 18 years of age in most countries) to view sexual material in your locality,
• You wish to view material of a sexual nature,
• You willfully and without coercion choose to view material of a sexual nature.

Are you giving it to her and if you are giving it to her, are you doing it right?!!! Not all women can orgasm through oral sex (cunnilingus); but for most women, it can drive them absolutely wild. If you can’t make her cum this way, it may not be her. You may not be doing it for her and she hasn’t felt comfortable to tell you. Every woman is different as to what exactly they like down there but regardless, it is a skill, an art if you will, that takes practice and patience to do it right.

Don’t rush. Take your time. Let her know you are enjoying yourself too. Naturally you don’t want her to fake an orgasm. If she has indicated that she can achieve orgasm this way, tease her with your tongue. Many women find the teasing a huge turn on; it’s almost like they think you are going to stop but don’t want you to kind of thing; gets their mind going. Orgasm is part physical and a lot of mind.

In my book, The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women, chapter six is dedicated to pleasing a woman sexually. Rule number 19 is “pay attention and let her cum first”. It is no secret that it is easier for a man to cum than a woman; so gentlemen, relax and do just that. Your turn will come and you will be on the road to being a very good lover to her.

First time. Remember, every woman is different. You want to bring your “A” game to the bedroom (or wherever you have your first time together), but you don’t want to just start doing the same thing you always do or your standard operating procedures you used on your last girlfriend. Like I said earlier, not all women can cum orally. So make sure you get some clear indication that she wants you down there, otherwise, forget about it. You don’t want either of you coming away from your first mad passionate evening together disappointed about sex for the first time being “mediocre”. You may think, “Oh, it will get better”. But honestly, I don’t think it will. It can get better as you get to know each other of course, as you get to know what each other likes, and you start exploring each other’s kinky side if you have one. I am merely talking about if either of you think the sex was terrible. It would be really hard to go from terrible to “off the charts”. Bottom line; you want the first time to be off the charts.

Mix it up. If you have a clear sign that she wants you orally, kiss her body as you make your way down there, use your tongue, use your hands. Caress her breast, tease her; as your mouth gets closer, move back up and suck on her nipples. The anticipation of her feeling your mouth “down there”, will drive her wilder and wilder as the anticipation builds. Once your mouth touches her vaginal area, she will love it. Let her talk to you, let her guide you. Do not be offended if she tells you to slow down. As a matter of fact, just keep in mind that you should keep it slow. You don’t need to flip your tongue around like it’s on speed. It has nothing to do with you; it is all about her and how she needs to be sexually/orally pleased. There are things to do there that can add to her arousal which will eventually heighten her orgasm; kiss and suck on the inside of her legs near the vaginal area, massage the same area with your hands, slide one or two fingers in her vagina, massage her breast. Do any and all of these things while continuing to use your tongue on her. You don’t want to just focus on the clitoris either. Her entire area will want your mouth and tongue and of course, whether you have a long tongue or not, slide it into her. Don’t be afraid to slide your thumb in her. The angle works really well to stay close to her and if it’s long enough she can experience your tongue and penetration at the same time. It is also a very comfortable position for you (physically) and therefore you really won’t mind if this takes her a little longer to cum.

Hygiene and grooming habits. These topics can be uncomfortable subjects for most people. It really shouldn’t be. To avoid any issues, if you and your date have been out all evening, you know dinner, dancing, socializing etc., it is only natural that neither of you will be as fresh as you were when you first got out of the shower. There are a couple ways to deal with this prior to jumping into “it”. Whoever is hosting should tell their partner “hey, I’m going to take a quick spin in the shower”. The “spin” is just a quick wash up to freshen up. Usually the other person will follow suit. There is the optional “huggie” or “baby” wipes that I personally keep near the toilet. You can use these to freshen up the personal parts if you think it’s way too cold or complicated to deal with the shower spin. Trust me, you’ll both appreciate the effort.

I also recommend keeping extra new toothbrushes around to offer up. If you both have been eating and drinking for the last several hours, it certainly would not be fair to be the only “fresh” one just because you both ended up at your place.

As for grooming habits, obviously this varies from woman to woman and from male to male. All men and women should do some grooming in the hairy areas. Yes, men too. Who on earth wants to get down there and find a huge bush staring at them in the face??? If you do and that’s part of your kink, that’s fine, but one should not expect that your partner is going to like that you have a ton of hair there. So unless they ask you specifically not to shave or trim, do it. While we are talking about body hair, I will through this out there now. Gentlemen, if you have an unusual amount of back hair or even chest hair, you should groom it, wax it, or shave it- just FYI.

Final thoughts. Pleasing a woman orally can be an amazing experience for her and you should really want to please her that way if she can cum this way. Don’t just go through the motions either; learn to be good at it. I have talked to enough women to know that there are not a lot of men out there that do this well. So don’t be “common or ordinary”- learn to be good at pleasing her orally. Find out what she likes and give it to her; be committed to becoming a great lover.

Cheers,

Robbie Lee, author of The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women

Sign up to my mailing list at Robbie411.com

“My husband and I have been married for 2 years together 6. We have 2 little boys, good life, but our sex life is ok. I enjoy Michael very much but the only way he can orgasm is when he is on top and he is doing all the work. I feel USELESS! Even when I perform oral sex he says it’s really good and he feels like ‘cumming” but he gets so frustrated with himself cause he can’t! Is there anything we can do? Anything helps. Thank you.”

- Calcie

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Calcie,

I had the exact problem. He used to say he was traditional and anything else out of that box does not do it for him.

Slowly, I began to bring toys into the bedroom (non-threatening items). I took advantage of the fact that I was pregnant to be on top. Or I would tell him he felt too heavy at times. And other times I asked him to do it for me, because I liked it. And he slowly began to open up to other possibilities. A strong cocktail would loosen him up too!  I don’t know if your husband drinks alcohol but if he does, use it!!  I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t believe I have to resort to the age-old man antics of getting someone tipsy to get some”. Whatever it takes!

Good Luck!

- Blanca Marquez

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Dear Calcie,

Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. Your husband may have some anxiety about his sexual skills, or perhaps some inhibitions left from his childhood or teen years (Did he grow up in a very conservative home?). He might also be stressed out in some other areas of his life. Set aside a time to just hang out — I know, it’s hard to do when you’ve got kids — and don’t bring up the topic, but wait for him to open up about what might be bugging him. Guys don’t generally like to be told “We need to talk,” or asked “What are you thinking?” but if you’re doing something low-key like taking a walk, watching a movie, or even just doing dishes, he’ll feel more relaxed and willing to open up to you. Once you’ve got an idea of what’s on his mind, he may feel more relaxed in the bedroom.

Wishing you all the best,

- Meghan K. Donovan

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Dear Calcie,

My first suggestion is that you free yourself from feeling useless. When, how and whether he climaxes is not your responsibility. A partner, male or female, can be excited, supportive, encouraging, receptive, helpful, enticing, etc., but not responsible. Second, I suggest is that you and your husband see a sex therapist in person.  www.AASECT.org has a directory that will locate a certified sex therapist in your area. It sounds to me as though your husband has gotten into a habit of controlling not only how sex “has to be” for him, but also for you, and that’s a habit a therapist can help you sort out. Third, I suggest you both educate yourselves on non-goal oriented intimacy so that lovemaking becomes just that – lovemaking. Right now, it’s a high-stress activity! Your therapist will probably recommend sensate focus exercises, which enable partners to take turns learning how to touch each other in pleasurable ways after agreeing ahead of time that the exercises won’t lead to intercourse and orgasm. This takes away the pressure to climax. DVDs teaching this technique (available separately for straight, lesbian and gay couples) are available at HSAB.org Fourth, I encourage you to consider where your pleasure fits into the picture. If the focus of your sexual encounters is solely on your husband’s climax, then you and he are missing an opportunity to enjoy a mutually enjoyable experience.

Best wishes with your learning process!

- Melanie Davis, M.Ed.

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Calcie,

So let the man orgasm on top!  That’s a fool proof way and he’s happy.  You both should stop stressing about what position and when he reaches orgasm and be glad that you’re having sex and orgasms. Some people aren’t so lucky!

Just because he can only “cum” on top does not mean you have to be restricted to that position the whole time you two are “together”.  Get a book on karma sutra and use several positions.  You can be satisfied with many of those, he can be satisfied with being on top.  The point is to let go of the frustration and let things be.  This is in no way hurting either one of you or detrimental to your sex life.  A lot of people (men and women) have this same experience and live with it…some women only climax on top, some men can only climax on bottom.

Relax, enjoy each other, and the wonderful married sex!

- Kim Hess

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Calcie,

lets get one thing straight, “feels like cumming” and actually cumming are two very different things. I’m not trying to make  a tear fall from your eye, but sweetie, I don’t think you’re pleasing Michael well enough. Here is a tip for the next time you perform oral sex on him; insert a jolly rancher in your mouth  (or your favorite little candy) and please him at the same time. You’ll enjoy the taste of the candy and he should enjoy your mouth. As for his sex position, a lot of guys like to be on top, just like a lot of girls like to be on top. The next time he’s on top, play with his nipples or caress his sack; he’ll enjoy it and you’ll be helping him come to ecstasy. Also, maybe you guys should communicate a bit more. Talk about how you like to be satisfied, and how you’d like to please him. Play games, watch a video, do things to spice up your sex life; and make sure you’re getting pleased as well!

-Porsche Simpson

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Dear Calcie,

My first question when reading this was….’How come this wasn’t a problem 6 years ago?’ Because if your sex life was great before, it’s not impossible to get back to the promise land. Now, if you’ve ALWAYS had these problems, it’s way past time to figure out a solution. So let’s try:

First off, him not ‘cumming’ off of oral might not be your fault. Some men (myself included) have an EXTREMELY hard time cumming while receiving oral sex. Now, if he HAS cum from oral in the past, or with other women, then perhaps it IS you, and you should try some different techniques. I don’t wanna get too graphic here, but if you need specific ideas on how to make it better for him, feel free to contact me via my profile.

As for you feeling useless when he’s on top, don’t. There are still ways you can get into it if you’re on bottom. Grind up against him, make him feel like you’re into it. Suck on his neck while he’s penetrating you. Talk dirty, whatever. And if you want to be more involved, why not TRY to attempt other positions? It couldn’t hurt. Just don’t get so frustrated when certain things don’t work out. I know it’s hard NOT to, but you will eventually get it right, hopefully. And once you do, you won’t even remember the bad times.

Good luck.

- Jason Love

What’s the big deal with orgasms? A lot, if you’re frustrated because you’ve never experienced one or if having one is a struggle. Fortunately, orgasmic troubles often can be resolved with a little education, practice, and, if necessary, consultation with a healthcare provider or sexuality professional.

What is an orgasm?

An orgasm is a brief period of intense physical release after a build-up in sexual tension. During an orgasm, most women experience:

• Muscle contractions in the vagina and uterus
• Increased blood pressure, heart rate and breathing
• Decreased sensitivity to pain
• A sudden, forceful release of sexual tension
• Flushing (blushing) over the entire body
• Some women release fluid produced by the Skene’s glands through the urethra. This “female ejaculate” is not urine, and it can range from a few drops of fluid to a significant amount.

Why are people so interested in orgasms?

Because they feel good! They can help you relax, fall asleep or even energize you. They also exercise your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which supports your internal organs and can enhance overall sexual pleasure. If you have a sexual partner who cares about your sexual satisfaction, orgasms may bring you closer emotionally. If your partner doesn’t care about your satisfaction, kick him or her out of bed.

Orgasms are usually the peak of a four-stage sexual response cycle, even though you may respond differently.

Seduction – This stage starts when you think about whether to shave your legs, put on perfume, change the sheets, wear something sexy, etc. Or when your partner nibbles your neck, or perhaps you’re by yourself, and you think about finding a private place for some personal play.

Sensations – During this stage, you’re playing with yourself or a partner, and your excitement builds until you reach a plateau where everything’s feeling good, your vagina is wet, and you’re not about to stop.

Surrender – This is the point at which an orgasm occurs if you can surrender completely to the moment, not caring what your face looks like, what sounds you’re making, or whether your body’s perfect. In other words, you’re 100% focused on pleasure.

Reflection – Ahhhh. You’re sweaty, catching your breath, resting…or gathering your bearings for another go-round: During this stage, you’ll reflect on the sexual experience: if it was good, you’ll be eager for the next adventure; if it was mediocre or worse, you’ll be less interested in a future go-round.

Orgasm may be difficult if you…

• Don’t feel free to express yourself sexually
• Are unfamiliar with your sexual anatomy
• Focus only on your partner
• Don’t allow enough time for arousal and stimulation
• Are embarrassed by your sexual responses
• Feel guilty about enjoying sex
• Take medication that reduces desire
• Have a sexual disorder

The bottom line is that orgasms can be elusive for many women, for many reasons. If you can’t solve the problem yourself, don’t hesitate to seek help from your physician, a sex therapist, or a sex educator.

You’re the first step to your pleasure

If you’re familiar with how your body responds, orgasms will be easier, and you’ll be able to coach a partner through what makes you moan with pleasure. Set aside time for self exploration, starting with a mirror so you can see what your labia majora (outer lips), labia minora (inner lips), clitoris, clitoral hood, urethral opening, vaginal opening, and anus look like.

Expect to look different from the pictures in erotic media: No two vulvas look alike, especially the inner lips, which vary from woman to woman – and even from left to right side in the same woman.

Once you know the lay of the land, put the mirror away, get comfortable, and try touching yourself gently, firmly, in little circles – whatever comes naturally. See what feels good…and what feels better. You might enjoy using a little lubricant, a vibrator, or even a pillow to rub against. If something feels really good…continue what you’re doing, by all means! Don’t pressure yourself to have an orgasm. You can always play more some other time.

If you’re uncomfortable touching yourself, engage a partner in the learning process. Set aside time for you to be the focus of attention, and verbally or manually guide your partner’s movements so you both learn what you like.

Is there a “right” kind of orgasm?

Orgasms can be traced to many parts of the body, but they’re triggered most often through direct clitoral stimulation. Most women do not climax through sexual intercourse alone. If you have a partner who can hit your sweet spot through penetration, great; if not, just use your own hand, a toy, or teach your partner what you need in addition to penetration. There’s no correct way to climax: the right orgasm is any kind you enjoy.

I’ve written an illustrated brochure called “Taking the Mystery out of Female Orgasm,” which includes a list of helpful books and online resources. For more information, visit http://www.honestexchange.com/Products/Pro_index.htm

Coming up: Tips for Talking to a Partner about Sex

Do you like it hot and sweaty? Slow and easy? Would you rather have a quickie or a lingering session? Or maybe some of everything, depending on your mood?

No “right measure” of sexual quality exists, although I’d argue that an essential element is that both partners freely consent to participate. Beyond that, the only thing that counts is whether you feel good about the experience during and after the encounter. No guilt, no regrets, no worries.

One way to ensure that both you and your partner enjoy the quality of your sexual activity is to agree on what you expect from it. If you enjoy anonymous sex with no strings attached and your partner hopes that a great sexual encounter implies the start of a relationship, you’re using very different yardsticks to measure quality.

Sex can have many benefits, one of which can be sweaty fun. Other benefits can include increased intimacy, relaxation, increased self-esteem or energy, connection between partners, exercise, and spiritual connection. I don’t list orgasm because in the scheme of what makes partnered sex great, a climax is akin to a cool drink at the end of an exhilarating run. It’s refreshing, but if a drink of water is all you need, there are more efficient ways to get it.

If you define great partnered sex by its overall pleasure potential, you will enjoy more creative, emotionally satisfying encounters than you would if you focus on orgasm. Think about what gives you sensuous pleasure, and share your insights with your partner. Some things to consider include:

· Before you get involved, discuss with your potential partner what your expectations are. If you’d like your partner to spend the night, say so; if you want to wake up by yourself, be honest about the limits of your connection.

· Define pleasure as behaviors that feel good and create intimacy rather than actions that result in orgasm. A romantic dinner can be an incredibly sensual experience, as can be reading an erotic novel aloud to your partner.

· Discuss your pleasure boundaries. While it can be exciting to explore new positions, activities and toys, neither partner should feel coerced at any time.

· Instead of your typical routine, focus intently on the sensual possibilities of stroking hands, feet and hair; kissing; massage; petting; body rubbing; or bathing together. How else might you enjoy giving or receiving pleasure?

· Protect yourself emotionally. Consider the positive aspects of sexuality such as feelings of attraction, love, confidence, and self-worth. Don’t hop in the sack with someone who won’t inspire those feelings.

· Protect yourself physically. If you’re with an opposite-gender partner, discuss contraception. With any partner, use condoms or dental dams to protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Next up: The Mysteries of Female Orgasm

So if you’re still with me thus far, then let’s go.

This article is primarily targeted toward males, but females can gain some insight from it also. I don’t expect to be getting any angry responses from female members, simply because I don’t think anything in this or subsequent articles is going to be perceived by women as being offensive. I’m not at all interested in going down the path of “women this” and “women that”. In future articles maybe I’ll address the fact that men & women are wired differently about some things, but if I do it’s because those things need to be discussed in a neutral and non-confrontational manner.

But for now I’ll ask the guys: Do you even want to be a good lover? Does it make you happy and make you feel good to see, feel, hear, smell, and taste your lady’s body responding to you? If you answered yes, then you’re probably a good lover. The talent, technique, and skill in your lovemaking don’t make you good at it, it’s the other way around. If it matters to you what your partner feels from her toes to her scalp as well as between her thighs, then you’ll take note of how she responds to what you’re doing. If she responds favorably to a particular way you give attention to her body, you’ll keep doing that. If not, then you won’t. That’s a little over-simplified, but it’s not rocket science either. I have for most of my life shook my head in wonderment about how guys want sex, but most of them usually go about trying to get it in the most unproductive fashion imaginable. You’d think that males, supposedly being the more analytical of the two genders, would make some observations, catalog what works & what doesn’t, and adjust accordingly. But time and time again I’ve heard some variation of:

“I bought her lingerie (or toys, or whatever), but she’s still unhappy with our sex life”. “She knows I desire her and that I enjoy sex with her, so what’s the problem?”.

Wow, talk about somebody unclear on the concept. And a prime candidate for a rude awakening, but one who will probably never know why things went to hell in a hand-basket.

How important to you is the sexual aspect of your relationship? How important is it to your partner? Is it of the same level of importance to you both? It better be, or at least somewhere close. Just as all the great sex in the world can’t compensate for incompatibility in other aspects of a relationship, perfect compatibility in other areas can’t save a relationship if one of the people involved is frustrated sexually and/or the other feels pressured. Either person might “take one for the team” and keep up pretenses for a while, but sooner or later somebody’s going to become bitter (maybe not even consciously) and the quality of the relationship will begin to suffer and ultimately disintegrate unless you’re both willing to engage in some major communication about it.

When you’re not both reading off the same page sexually (or even from the same book!) it presents some serious problems for the relationship. That doesn’t mean that either perspective is wrong or that anybody is in some way “defective”. And a lack of sexual compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed either. There are any number of reasons for an imbalance in sex drive between two people: medical issues, psychological issues, stress, health & nutrition, and the list goes on. And the ability to actually perform sexually? Every guy knows that the moment you begin to wonder about it, you can forget it. The good news is there is treatment available for these kinds of things. But some things are your responsibility. With sex as with all things, everybody does what they’re comfortable with and what they think will make them happy.

How familiar are you with your lady’s body? I’m not talking about what you see, or what your other senses tell you. What do you know about her, physiologically and psychologically? Do you know where her G-spot is?. You’ve made it a point to find out if she has more than one, right? (Of course you know already that some women do have more than one.) With vaginal intercourse, do you know whether she likes full-stroke in & out or would she rather feel you inside her while she grinds against you for clitoral stimulation? And what about speed and rhythm? Emphasis on pressure forward? Or backward, as she rocks back & forth against you? How gentle or rough does she like for you to be with her breasts? Oral attention to the nipples? Manipulation of the entire breast? Both? Neither?

How motivated are you to find out about all aspects of what pleases & pleasures your significant other? Does she have a fantasy that you can make come true? Is there a particular place or location where she’d like to make out? Girls make connections in their minds between things that guys never think about. Think outside your own head sometimes. It’s astonishing what you can find out.

And then there’s oral sex. I’m assuming this is something that you very much want and like to do because it’s not a chore, it’s a welcome opportunity to experience that intimacy with your lover. You not only love her, but you also like her so much that every square millimeter of her body, inside & out, is appealing to you. And if it makes you happy to make her feel good, you’ll become talented at this because you want to be. To start with, you’ll ask her what she likes. Granted, some women are just not comfortable talking about sex at all, and maybe I’ll address that in another article. But for now let’s continue as though she might be. (Sometimes a girl is initially so surprised by being asked, she’s at a loss for words because it’s never happened before. But those girls usually recover quickly.) Girls are different from each other physiologically. The location of their G-spot(s) differ(s). Girls differ in what sort of stimulation with your lips and your tongue pleasures them most. Some like direct clitoral stimulation, others prefer indirect. Once again, it helps to ask. How much pressure and where? Of that pressure, constant or intermittent? Frequency? Suction or not? If so, then how much? For every possible combination of stimuli there’s more than one girl who likes exactly that particular combination. And among girls who are anal erotic, the response is usually favorable to having that area of their body played with during oral sex. That could be the subject of another article but for now I’ll just say, and I can’t say it enough: lubricate! lubricate! lubricate!

The female body doesn’t have a refractory period. For those unfamiliar with that medical term, it refers to the recovery time necessary after orgasm for the male to have another one. Some people mistakenly think it means that a male cannot maintain an erection after orgasm, but that’s not necessarily the case (though most of the time that’s what happens). It just means that the male body is not capable of multiple orgasms. The female body is, however, capable of such. You’d do well to be aware of and remember this fact. How well you understand your lady’s body can mean the difference: would you rather her have a single orgasm, or have multiple seismic events complete with aftershocks?

And finally, If you value the sex part of your relationship (and therefore the relationship itself), then have your own body in good enough physical shape so that you possess the stamina and endurance to enjoy & have fun with sex. And remember that good personal hygiene may indeed be virtuous, but that’s not why you should be meticulous about it. You owe it to your significant other and to yourself as well to be at your very best for him/her. In the case of health issues or injury, those things can be worked around. I myself am still recovering from bone surgery and the residuals from a bout with pneumonia late last year, so right now I’m not exactly hitting on all eight cylinders like I once was (and will be again soon). But don’t allow your body to become “no fun” because of too much alcohol, drugs, inactivity, or other factors that you have a choice about.

That is, if you care.

Oh, and one more thing: if it ever even crosses your mind to use sex as a weapon (you know, withholding it as punishment or for manipulation purposes), then your relationship really is doomed. Not only that, you should be run out of town on a rail. Sex has to be completely off-limits as a battleground between the two people in a relationship or it just won’t work, at least not in a healthy and functional fashion. The kind of person who would do something like that is a ghoul, a very sick individual who has something so twisted and aberrant inside their psych that there is no redeeming quality to be found there. I can’t emphasize this enough: If any of you, male or female, should encounter one of these people, run as fast as you can in the other direction.