“I find myself in an intensely uncomfortable and frustrating situation where I have an obsessive infatuation with a professor at college. He’s extremely intelligent, passionate and noted in his field, but a somewhat obnoxious and arrogant person. He’s resented by most in out class—-but I seem to harbour a soft corner for him which is gradually turning into obsession. I Google up stuff about him on the net, read up everything he’s written, loiter around his office just to catch a glimpse of him, and constantly fantasize about him and myself. When in reality, he’s not even close to knowing me that well. And this year—-we haven’t got any classes of him, and this is getting me frustrated to the point of getting edgy. I know that this could be dangerous and lead to nowhere, but I can’t stop this intense, oppressive feeling of wanting to throw myself at him. I keep dreaming up things to ask him or ways to just “bump” into him. I am even planning to take up his paper in next year, although I know that it doesn’t interest me.

I feel, on the whole, disturbed and dejected. I even feel that I’m developing stalkerish tendencies. Please suggest me how to tackle this. I’m starting to hate myself for this even.”

- Nancy (19)

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. The first few months we dated he was cheating on me but I forgave him and since then hes been great but I’ve gone crazy. I’m extremely controlling and am afraid I’ve become obsessed with him. I have to check his phone, email, and Facebook daily. I constantly have to be around him and even though we live together just an hour apart gives me terrible anxiety and i miss him like crazy. He cant go out and do things without me because I always have to be with him and when i get the chance to have fun on my own I dont because all i think about is him. I even quit my job because all i could focus on was him. Its caused us to fight constantly and he said hes leaving me unless I change. Please help me..”

- Heather (20)

“I’m hugely attracted to my boss. I have been seeing him for more than a year now and my feelings for him are really growing in me. I’m not sure if he feels the same for me or not but i find myself thinking about him all the time. I’m losing my sleep over him.

He is married, about 4-5 yrs older to me and has a daughter too. I tried to notice his body language and sometimes i feel the feelings are mutual. But since both of us are the  way we are – i mean not very expressive… i dont know if any of us will / can openly talk about our feelings.

I’m listing down a few instances where i have felt he might be attracted to me as well. I really need help in confirming my thoughts:

?Our houses are very close to each other – I mean same area etc. He initially used to hesitate to drop me home as he had to pick his wife on the way. These days he asks me if he can drop me and is also OK if he has to pick his wife on the way.
? Just some days back, he even asked me to come to his place (just like that). He is a very shy / reserved / non-social kind of person so this really makes me feel he is interested?
? Our team was going out in one of the office parties. I told him i might not join and he had no plans too. But suddenly he changed his mind and asked me 2-3 times if i’m going or not. I had no plans and left for home. He messaged me again and asked me if I was coming or not … He didn’t ask anyone else.
? These days he also looks deep in my eyes (not “stare” though) and sometimes i have seen him giving me “bedroom” kind of eyes. I also caught him checking me out a couple of times – he hasnt ever complimented me ever though. He is a shy and very non-vocal kind of person. I don’t know how to read these signals … not sure if this was pure co-incidence. “Bedroom” eyes – maybe he was too bored with what I was saying…I have no clue… : (
? We went out for a movie (with the office people) and since I’m really badly attracted to him … I made sure to sit next to him. I felt at times he was accidently touching my elbow and if mine touched his, he wouldnt move his arm. I also feel when we are left alone in a room, there’s some tension in the air. I dont know how to interpret this or he feels it this way or not.
? I dont see him preening too much (infact not at all) when he sees me, or dont remember him displaying any kind of alpha-male behavior. When we are alone and talking about things… sometimes his body faces me totally but not always. I’m badly confused if he is really giving me any signs.
?He hasnt asked me out otherwise… may be coz he is confused too if we share a mutual attraction. If i’m unwell or something, he always asks if i’m fine… i feel he cares for me. But he does not call me to ask OR hasnt ever called me without any reason.
? He keeps me involved in all meetings even if its not related to what i can do/ or is in my scope of work.

My feelings for my boss are totally out of my control. I’m really confused, obsessed and keep thinking about my boss all the
time. I really need to know if my boss shares the same feelings and if he is attracted to me like I am. thanks!!”

- C (28)

“i have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. we love eachother a lot but i have gotten to the point where i am obsessive about him, i worry and think about him constantly, if he doesnt pick up the phone i panic, if i dont see or talk to him i get extremely sad and hurt. i never used to be like this so i think something is wrong. i even make up ideas in my head that he is going to break up with me or he doesnt love me anymore. is there a way to stop being this way? what is wrong with me? is there a way to deal with this and stop being so obsessive?”

Ashely (19, Las Vegas, NM)

But what gets you into the cycle of persistent, disturbing preoccupations that can be so hard to shake? What triggers obsession? The answer I have to offer may surprise you. In truth, whenever you are consistently thinking about a particular person or worried about your partnership, you can be reasonably sure that you are experiencing a feeling you don’t know how to cope with. Obsession is a great signal that something is going on within you. It lets you know that you are experiencing emotions that are too overwhelming to process.

All obsessions are actually a great tactic you use to divert yourself from feelings that seem too painful to face. Obsessions with unavailable people, or anger at your partner, are all ways to distract yourself from feeling the feelings working in you. It’s a detour that takes you away from having to look at your feelings.

So what’s the antidote? Learn to recognize the movement into obsession of any kind and it will be much easier for you to see the purpose of your coping mechanisms. Then you’ll see that you’re using your obsession on that newbie at the office or your favorite performer to distract yourself if situations or feelings are too intense. Train yourself to notice a movement into obsession as a call from your deepest power and you’ll realize that actually obsession is your friend.

And if obsession has a message for you, then you can give yourself the permission to have it be OK to obsess on someone. I don’t mean it’s OK to be a stalker. There’s a difference between thinking about someone obsessively and acting obsessions out. I’m talking about being unable to keep your mind off that cutie you saw on the subway last week, the person you’ve been chatting with on Facebook, or that sexy grocer at the corner store. I’m talking about checking your email 50 times a day waiting for that hottie you had a first date with last night to touch base or thinking about what you could have said to make your lover stay after your last fight.

And I want you to know that no matter who or what you are obsessing on, it’s OK. And knowing it is always OK leads you to a profound place of self-trust. If you cannot let go of a preoccupation right now, know that it is OK.

Also don’t worry. There are ways to tame obsession. Setting a five-minute boundary on what is haunting you is a tool that can often quiet the obsession. Give yourself 5 minutes to fully engage in fantasy. Obsess to your heart’s content. But when the 5 minutes are up, that’s it. Move on. Get back to work, play with the cat, make some lunch. Do whatever is in front of you. And if the urge to obsess comes back, tell yourself that your time is up.

If the preoccupation is persistent, though, looking behind it will always reframe obsession as a wonderful teacher. Just remind yourself that obsessing on a person means that you are in an uncomfortable situation or are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling. Even if you have to do this 50 times a day, the obsession will start to retreat. And then something really wonderful can happen.

Now you have the magic opportunity to use your preoccupations to get closer to yourself. Obsession is a time waster but its purpose is not to waste your time. It’s trying to get your attention so you can manifest all the dreams you have. Chances are that hottie you like will be more attracted to you if you are enjoying yourself, not beating yourself up for obsessing on him or her. Move into your feelings to discover what is really going inside. Give yourself the permission let go of control and be who you are in this moment. Love yourself, even if you are preoccupied with someone else. Obsession will stop and you will move on to great things!