It is true that there are jerk men who feel the need to assuage their egos by carving notches in the bedposts.  If you are married to this kind of guy, my heartfelt concerns are for you.  These guys never get filled up because they lack self respect.

For the rest of you, the answer is easy;  satisfy his needs.

Almost all of you have had the fantasy about living happily ever after.  Too often that fantasy tends to be self centered where you see the “Prince Charming” sweeping you off of your feet and paying rapturous attention to you and pampering you and taking care of you.  In talking with my female clients, they never took into consideration what their responsibility was in taking care of the prince to maintain the happily ever after.

Men are really, really simple.  They have 3 basic needs, Respect, sex and food.  According to Dr. Harley of His Needs , Her Needs, he would also say recreational companionship.

Man’s number one need is respect and admiration.  Now we are living in a time of rampant MISANDRY.  I suggest that you look it up on Wikipedia, it does a good job of explaining it.  Basically it is reverse sexism towards men by women in our society.  You can see it in the commercials.  The man is portrayed as this helpless boob who has once again gotten himself and/or his family into trouble yet again.  Then the “heroic woman” swoops in to save the day, all the while tossing off sarcastic and condescending remarks to her husband.  You man needs your respect and admiration. He needs you to be his biggest cheerleader and he wants affirmation for how hard he tries to take care of you and the family.  If you don’t give him respect, he will look for it elsewhere.  You need to be his best friend and talk to him with respect at all times.

He also needs sex with you freely and lovingly given.  Men get the bulk of their affectional needs through sex with their wife.  Studies indicate that 60% of married women with children, inflict a starvation diet of sex once a week or less on their husbands.  Now we can all agree that no woman should be forced to have sex against her will.  What amazes me is the number of women who have no problem forcing her husband to do WITHOUT SEX AGAINST HIS WILL.  Trust me, this breeds real resentment towards the wife.  Every time he is forced to masturbate alone, it chips away at his affection for you and builds resentment.  He feels as though you took vows and violated them.  You vowed that he could have you and hold you. (euphemism for sex).  In fact the dictionary backs this up.  Look up the word unfaithful and it talks not only about cheating but being unfaithful to your vows to satisfy your mate. You need to give him sex freely and lovingly and also endeavor to give him the things that he asks for in bed.  I can help you to get over your turnoffs to certain activities through a series of exercises.  If you don’t give it, he will look elsewhere.

Now I have sympathy with young new mothers who feel exhausted.  It is easy to put your husband’s sexual needs at the bottom of your priority list.  AVOID THIS RELIGIOUSLY.  You need to always put your husband’s needs at the top of your priority list.  Make the relationship important and everything else falls in behind.  He will accept a quicky when you are tired and be very grateful.

Now I understand that a lot of your husbands are lousy in the sack.  This is because there is no school for sex that they can go to.  It is easy to reject his overtures when you are tired and he does not take care of your needs.  There is a solution for that.  I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. I can give you help.  I am also coming out with a book entitled: STOP HAVING LOUSY SEX.  Believe me, he will become a hero in the bedroom when I am done with him.  All you have to do is to drop me a line at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com and I will even give you a half hour complimentary session.

There is a dirty little secret in the marriage counseling industry. 75% of all couples who go to marriage counseling end up being divorced. There is a quiet revolution taking place in this country where some forward thinking counselors are abandoning the traditional counseling methods and adopting a “coaching” style. A couple of well known counselors have made the transition like Michelle Weiner Davis, author of: DIVORCE BUSTING and Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.

Part of the problem is how services are delivered. One hour once a week is insufficient to do the job. Another part of the problem is philosophy of treatment. Counseling concentrates on couples talking about their feelings. Coaching concentrates on resolving the problem.

Think about this for a minute. If couples seek out marriage counseling, the marriage is likely in deep trouble where the stress level is such that they are considering divorce. Now think about the “medical model” for a minute: If you had serious heart trouble, would you want to go to a cardiologist whose record is that 3 out of 4 patients under his care die? If you had a very serious life threatening cut, would you be happy with a doctor who said, I am going to put one stitch in you now, and you come back in a week and I will put another stitch in you and keep coming back once a week for the next 20 weeks and we will have you all stitched up? If you had Strep Throat would you be happy with a doctor who says that he will give you a little antibiotic and keep coming back for 20 weeks until the infection is cleared up? Would you want accept any of those treatment plans?

Would you accept firemen coming out to your house and telling you that they are going to put a little of the fire out and that they would come back the next week and put a little more of the fire out and keep coming back until the fire is out? There is no other profession that attempts to resolve a problem utilizing this paradigm.

The reason that it is done this way is not because it is what is best for the patients, but it is what is best for the insurance industry who will only reimburse for one hour once a week. Actuaries (these are guys who are the bean counters for the insurance companies) have figured out that couples will abandon the process long before they resolve the problem thus saving the insurance company money.

Another part of the problem is the philosophy of counseling style where the counselor assumes a neutral position. Mediation services don’t follow this style. The mediator takes two opposing sides and takes charge and is a referee suggesting alternative solutions to both sides and maintains order during the process. They also roll up their sleeves and over the course of several hours resolves the problems or makes great strides in resolving the problem in a minimum of sessions in a very short period of time. Couples don’t need to talk about their feelings, they need to resolve the problems. They need to be taught relationship skills. There is an old Chinese proverb which states: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”. Couples need to be taught conflict resolution skills which do not come naturally. What comes naturally is fighting.

Going back to the medical model, you don’t leave a patient with a high fever for weeks at a time, you treat the fever and what is causing the fever in a short period of time. Couples in crisis are having the equivalent of serious fever. They are in stress because the “Fight or Flight Syndrome” causes huge adrenaline rushes which can’t be easily sustained over weeks of time. The stress is very hard on the body and is a leading cause of heart disease. The collateral damage happens to the children in the family. The toxic mood in the house is equivalent to torture for them because they are helpless and can’t do anything about it.

Clearly the treatment model for counseling needs a paradigm shift. We need to first resolve the problems in a short period of time, teach couples conflict resolution skills and relational skills and to lobby the insurance industry to adopt a different reimbursement model. Insurance companies need to pay for hours of service rendered and not dictate to the counselor how he structures the time element in the therapy.

As a couple, you need to seek out a marriage coach to help you resolve your problems. You will have to pay for it out of your own pocket, but it is a much more effective therapy and far cheaper than divorce.

Most coaches will deal with couples by phone or on the internet by Individual Messenger (IM). This saves time and money. Many couples don’t like to drive to an office. This way you can deal with your problems in the comfort of your own home.

The author of this article can be reached at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com