Dianna Asked:

“Hi, I found out that my ex-bf has been two-timing me throughout the 3mths29days that we’ve been together. He has another long time gf of 17mths. This secret of his was exposed on the day when I happen to be in the same place as that couple. 3 of us quarrelled and he kept telling the girl he loves her and wants to be with her and he’s very sorry. He totally ignored me and i was left to feel sorry for myself alone. Worse still, he told me straight in my face that “yes, I was two-timing u.So can u leave now”. It hurts so much.

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If you’re a guy in your early 20′s, who’s dating a girl 17 or 18, thinking it’ll last, due to the love you two share, think again. The fact is, it MIGHT last, but many times, it won’t.

I’m sure everything feels perfect. You’re happily in love, planning a future with her, she thinks you’re her dream man, you’ve been together for a couple of years, and everything seems to be going in the right direction. Things couldn’t be better. Then: disaster strikes. Let me explain. It’s NOT in the way you THINK it will. Well, not at FIRST, anyway. Because it’s not DIRECT. This disaster will happen over TIME.

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This has been written about many times and it isn’t rocket science. You don’t have to be a genius. You don’t have to over think it. The reasons, or answers, whatever you want to call it, are as plain as the nose on your face. You broke up for a million reasons and sometimes it was long over due but you finally break up.

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When we fall in love, we sometimes fall with total abandon. Often losing ourselves in the relationships with our friends barely recognizing us because of the changes we’ve made. Change is good, but losing yourself in a relationship is an inexplicable phenomena. Then we feel cheated when the love ends without the happily ever after. Yes I know some of you out there don’t believe in fairy tales. Don’t get me wrong, I’m realistic but I still dream true love does exist and the possibility happily ever after can be obtained. Let’s face the facts , some of us look for love and don’t even know what it means? We fool ourselves by repeating our own special mantras, ex. “ I’ll know it’s her because my heart will not deny me .”  We often even unknowingly will rely on sex as our indicator of love. Sex is only lust and gives us the temporary illusion of love . That could explain all of those infamous U-Haul jokes, people so often connect lesbians.

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I am 35 and never been married. Granted I look and act like I am in my 20’s! (ego stroke, ahh feels good..) I once heard that if a man makes it to the age of 30 without being married he is either really intelligent or very unattractive. I like to lean towards the first one! but being single is great! well I’m kinda single. I think after the age of 30 you feel single even if you are dating. Girlfriend/boyfriend? Well, they are like buses and there is always another coming. The truth is I am dating someone in Japan. I don’t think the long distance is a good idea but she makes it work and I am afraid of her.

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A few weeks ago I wrote an article discussing the differences between love and lust.  Saying “I love you” is a serious step in an intimate relationship and you need to examine your feelings and be certain that you are not just “in lust”.  You hear about couples meeting and a few months later, bam, they are living together or ran off to Las Vegas and tied the knot.  I’m not saying that it can’t happen that way and turn out to be the love of your life, but I think that it is rare.  Note that Nevada does have the highest divorce rate (50 percent divorce rate) in the United States and nationally, 46 percent of marriages end in divorce.  Based on some limited research, your chances of divorce are actually not based on time you have known one another , however, interestingly enough, if you live together before you marry, there is a 50 percent chance of it ending in divorce.  I’m not sure what any of this means other than something is going on because divorce rates are high.  In India however, the divorce rate is one percent.  Perhaps Americans learn that divorce is ok based on societal acceptance and maybe we give up easily without a fight or don’t want to do the work or engage in couples’ therapy.  I am bringing these things up because saying I love you is definitely taking your relationship to the next level.

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As defined by Dictionary.com:

Love is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection for another person;

Lust is a strong, sexual desire for another person.

Defining these two words is simple enough when you are only using your head. If you are actually feeling either of these emotions for a person, it is not so easy to distinguish between the two nor easy to define. I can honestly say that I have experienced both. I can even look back at personal situations and recognize instances where I was in fact in lust, not love. I believe if one is fortunate enough, you can fully experience both with your partner.

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I recently attended a mental health training in which the facilitator talked about the requirements for a healthy long-term relationship. The facilitator spoke about how love is not the number one determining factor that helps a relationship to grow strong over many years. He explained it is not lust or physical passion, but rather the expression of physical affection.

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