I think all of Mr. Ludwig’s points of advice are sound and applicable, so long as the person wanting to be listened to is not an emotional bully, has his/her facts straight, and is genuinely wanting and needing to be heard – and not mistaking your good manners for an invitation to attack. And therein lies the rub: it’s not always easy to ascertain the motive of the person wanting to be listened to. Perhaps a little “pre-communication” communication might go a long way toward diffusing that “blockade” reflex. For instance:

Guys want to fix things – we’re wired that way. When girls want us to just listen and not offer suggestions to fix whatever made you sad in the first place, we feel helpless (and therefore worthless). Right now I won’t go into whether that’s right, wrong, fair, unfair, or indifferent – maybe in another article. For now I’ll just ask that you acknowledge that it’s accurate. So girls, if you don’t want your guy to assume that you’re wanting him to feel worthless, then when you want him to “just listen” you need to let him know somehow that it’s not your intention to make him feel worthless (assuming, of course, that’s not your intention).

I’ve wondered about this for a long time – why females as a group don’t seem to understand this simple yet powerful little notion: girls, you can get us guys to do pretty much anything you want, as long as you approach it in a manner that allows us to save face.

Maybe if instead of: “My sister (aunt, co-worker, boss, whoever) is such a bully to me…” – What would happen if you began this way?:

“I’ve mentioned before how bad it makes me feel when I’m bullied by (insert name of bad person). I know you could fix this for me easily, and I know you want to fix it because you love me and it hurts you to see me sad like this. But this is something I need to do myself. I need to grow a backbone and deal with this in an assertive manner, which I’m well on my way to doing. I can’t go on depending upon you to fix everything for me. Please trust me when I say that I’m taking steps to remedy this situation, but right now would you let me just tell you how it makes me feel? Just to have you listen and acknowledge that I have the right to feel this way about it may be just the support I need to be able to deal with this effectively, the way you would want me to. What do you say? In light of what I just now told you, would you be comfortable with just listening to me?”

I can tell you what might happen. You might get a favorable response from your guy. Once relieved of that responsibility we feel (the one to protect you with our last breath from harm and discomfort -physical, emotional, whatever), he may surprise you. He might even be surprised at what he’s comfortable with. And don’t be too hard on your guy for being this way. It’s a very primal, instinctive response. In fact, all of us are just a few generations removed from the time in history when how well that instinct to protect was developed meant the difference in survival – and I’m not talking about survival of the relationship.

And ladies, by taking that sort of approach you are not “groveling”. All of us have the tendency to lapse into defensive mode, thinking things like: “I sound like I’m begging – he/she will interpret that as a weakness and use it to take advantage of me”. You have to trust your partner to not do that. It’s not easy, but it’s really in your best interest. Because if it turns out that the person you thought you could trust really would take advantage of you, then you’ll know it now – not later. And it’s better to find out now than at some future date after you’ve invested even more into the relationship. Oh, and guys, you’re not off the hook. Even though this article tends toward the male perspective, there’s plenty to address about how males could improve the way they approach communication. And you’ll see it in upcoming articles.

But girls, if your guy does respond favorably to a different approach, then that’s a very positive development and by all means don’t abuse it. You must be truthful in your statement about taking care of it yourself. It’s not fair to your significant other, male or female, to allow to continue a situation that causes you sadness, discomfort, stress, or distress. You are not the only casualty – it hurts your partner also. That’s one of the responsibilities you buy into when you enter into a relationship. You are not alone anymore. You have a responsibility to take care of you in every way. Keep in mind that when you’re just driving down the street, you are transporting very precious cargo: something your significant other loves and cares deeply about – you.

Note that some blocks are decidedly more aggressive in nature, while others are more non-assertive or passive. For example, “being right” is an aggressive block. My ego is threatened by the prospect of not being “right” – by not prevailing in a disagreement – and thus I will forcefully inform you as to how you are “wrong”. In contrast, “agreeing” is a passive block. “Agreeing” implies that you go along with what I am saying, even though inwardly you have a different opinion. It is only later that I find out that you didn’t really mean what you said; instead, you “agreed” with me at the time. Not as “in-your-face” as “being right”, but still problematic to the other person.

Though aggressive blocks may be more stressful (to the speaker) than those non-assertive, all blocks prohibit mutual understanding and intimacy. Think about it – when I do a listening block I am generally not in touch with MYSELF, so how could I possibly make contact with you? It is through the act of dismantling our blocks that we can begin more and more to know OURSELVES and thus obtain a human basis for greater intimacy with others.

Okay, with that as an introduction, let’s consider the remaining listening blocks. Just as the first time, as you read them, ask yourself two questions: Which blocks do I use in order to avoid hearing others? And which blocks do others use in order to avoid hearing me?

NITPICKING is the art of derailing by unduly FOCUSING ON DETAILS that are largely IRRELEVANT to the other person’s message. Sometimes nitpicking is used as a classic block to the other’s input; other times it can simply be a means to be critical (and express anger) by pouncing on something that hardly matters.

Sue (clearly seeking approval): Honey, what did you think of that article I wrote? I am hoping to get it published…..

Bob (indifferently): I didn’t like the font that you used. I would use a different one…..

Sue may not say anything, but she may walk away feeling diminished by the interaction and her anger about it may show up later….

COUNTER-ATTACKING is an aggressive form of derailing: I BRING UP ANOTHER SUBJECT TO DERAIL YOURS. I don’t want to hear what you are saying about subject X, so I will bring up subject Y, in an aggressive manner, to provoke you and derail your message.

Sue (wearily): Bob, I have asked you numerous times over the past three months to please clean up the garage. You say you will do it but for some reason you never actually do it, and….

Bob (interrupting, agitated): Did you take the cat to the vet?

Sue (taken aback): Huh? No! What does that have to do with your cleaning up…?

Bob (interrupting): Until you take the cat to the vet, don’t you bug me about the garage!

The “conversation” generally explodes at that point, leaving the garage unattended to. Is Bob motivated by a sudden deep compassion for the cat’s well being? No, his motivation is to avoid the conversation about the garage! (Both the task itself and his pattern of breaking agreements/procrastinating).

This is a block that domestic partners generally know well!

MINIMIZING uses the FAÇADE OF “POSITIVE THINKING” TO INVALIDATE the other’s point. It is a common block for managers to use on employees, and was universal in the Silicon Valley culture back in the nineties. It is a very hard block for employees to cope with.

Employee: Uh, boss, regarding your suggestion that we move that deadline up by 30 days…. Given everything else we have to do, I don’t think that that will be realistic….

Manager (cheerily): I hear you, Bob, but you know, I think it IS realistic. I am not asking to work HARDER. I am suggesting that you work SMARTER. You know – manage your time; set priorities, let the unimportant stuff sit. I think that if you manage your time well, you will discover that you have MORE than enough time to get the job done, and I am confident that you will achieve it!

What is the employee to say? In this case, genuinely unrealistic expectations – usually coming down from above – are disguised as “confidence in the employee” whereas the employee’s input was simply blocked. This is one which I think nearly any professional worker can relate to!

REHEARSING is the act of not hearing the other person because you are too busy PLANNING WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY NEXT. I don’t quite get that thinking about what I are going to say generally prohibits me from being present to hear what the other person is saying.

Note that I am not saying that there is never value in reviewing a situation in your mind in order to prepare for a meeting. Rather, the point is that rehearsing INSTEAD OF LISTENING in the moment prohibits us from hearing the other person’s message.

DREAMING is the act of SPACING OUT as a listening block. Somehow you are not truly engaged in what I am saying, so you simply float away. (“Yes, honey…. Uh huh. Yes, honey….”) Many of us using dreaming when we are in meetings which are not working for us in some way, but we don’t feel politically equipped to do something about it. Thus we space out as a way of coping, and for some of us this is so habitual that we don’t know we are doing it.

When I notice I am dreaming, I ask myself this question: Is there any way I could speak up now so as to change the dynamics of this meeting in my favor? If the answer is “yes”, then do so. If not, then enjoy yourself, as dreaming may indeed be an effective coping mechanism in that case!

JUDGING is the mental act of MAKING SOMEONE ELSE WRONG in order to protect yourself from feelings you would otherwise have. Judging is multi-faceted in that it is both a listening block and an inner behavior which we can direct at others or ourselves. Here is an example of judging as a listening block:

Bob: Bill said that he thought that your comments were overstated, that you were worrying about something that really isn’t that important.

Sue (dismissively): Well, coming from Bill that is no big surprise, don’t you think?

By judging Bill, Sue gets to disregard Bill’s input, as well as feelings that she might otherwise have. By putting others down, I make myself feel interpersonally safer.

IDENTIFYING is a form of derailing by TALKING ABOUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS TALKING ABOUT. People tend to confuse it with empathy, but in fact they are different. Empathy means to convey that you relate WHILE CONTINUING TO LISTEN, while identifying means taking over the conversation.

Bob: How are you?

Sue (clearly excited, wanting to share): Oh, I just got back from New York and I had a wonderful time! First, I went to….

Bob (interrupting): Oh, man, the last time I went to New York was 2004! It was great because my company picked up all my expenses for four nights, and I was able to …. (Goes on and on)

Sue: Zzzzzzzz…….

We all identify to some extent, but it is a common block for more verbal, extraverted personalities who experience input from others as triggers for their own minds to run. Come to think of it, this may be a good way to summarize the dilemma of all of us: When someone else speaks, their input triggers our minds to start running. If we are too attached to our own mental process, to the “narrative self” that starts rambling, then our self-absorption prohibits us from being present with others. Bluntly speaking, I am too “full of myself” to be able to hear you.

If I am a more mature listener, this will be problematic only when I am really stressed or distracted; if I have never worked on self-development before, I am likely to block even in casual moments, simply out of lack of self-awareness. This is offered not as a judgment; rather, it is a frank observation of the human condition prior to efforts to develop one’ self!

The bad news is that all of us have this tendency to be caught up in our own ego process so as not to be available to others. The good news is that like any other skill, through conscious practice we can change this. By witnessing our ego blocks (now that we have the vocabulary to name them), we can with time “rise above” them.

And beyond the practice of witnessing our blocks, we can share them with other key people in our lives. Once we get over the defensiveness, once we see the humor inherent in the human condition, then we can help each other to catch our blocks through giving feedback.

As we do so, as our awareness of our blocks grows, then we can begin to work on our active listening skills, our ability to resonate to the thoughts and feelings of others. Coming up: Beyond clichés to genuine listening skills and greater human intimacy…..

Fascinated by the subject, I began teaching listening seminars, and quickly discovered a curious problem: The people who most needed the training were the first ones to declare that their listening skills were “just fine”. Bob says he is a great listener but his wife and coworkers say his listening skills are non-existent. I was initially baffled by this strange state of affairs, but with time I began to figure it out.

It goes like this – Bob is in fact a good listener, except when he isn’t listening, which unfortunately is most of the time. Instead of listening, Bob employs something we might call “listening blocks”. By definition, listening blocks are unconscious, so it won’t serve Bob to teach him “listening skills” because he will be too busy blocking to use his skills, all the while thinking what a fine listener he is. And thus I realized that I had to help clients to become aware of their listening blocks before I could serve them by providing conventional listening skills.

Succinctly put, listening blocks are behaviors we unconsciously use in order not to hear each other, and we use them for two reasons:

1. Some blocks we do simply out of habit. We learned them long ago, perhaps in our family of origin; they are indigenous to our personality style and as such they can be self-defeating habits.
2. We use them when what the other person is saying is diminishing to our egos in some way. If I were to let in your message, I would feel put down or at risk in some way, so I reflexively block your input. The upside is that I have avoided feeling diminished; the downside is that I am like a turtle, contained in my shell. My blocks prohibit insight and thus my own psychological growth.

Okay, with that as an introduction, I will now present the listening blocks for you. (Since they represent a lot of material, I will present them in two articles – this one and a follow up article.) As you read them, ask yourself two questions: Which blocks do YOU use in order to avoid hearing others? And, which blocks do OTHERS use in order to avoid hearing you?

DERAILING is the act of not listening by way of changing the subject or simply not responding to what the other has said. Derailing is often done with humor so as to make it less detectable, but it can take many forms.

Manager: Uh, I haven’t seen that report that you were supposed to give me yesterday….?

Employee: Have you seen Bill today? I need to talk to him about something….

SPARRRING is a block common to more aggressive personalities, those who “like to argue” or play “devil’s advocate”. Some of us get a certain pleasure (or emotional release) by engaging in forceful debate with no intention to listen. Typically, those of us who like to spar don’t quite get that others don’t necessarily share in the pleasure of such encounters!

RATIONALIZING is the act of explaining or excusing yourself so as not to let in what someone else is saying. Rationalizing is a universal defense against taking any accountability for our behavior, for brushing aside input that might otherwise cause us to question ourselves.

Bob (with some annoyance): Sue, you were 30 minutes late again today. We have talked about this before, that it is important to me for you to honor your time commitments, and….

Sue (interrupting): But the traffic was really terrible. What do you expect of me?!

Hint: One way to deal with the block of rationalizing is to address the PATTERN rather than the latest episode. For example, in this encounter above, Bob might say “I am not asking about what happened today, Sue. I am talking about the pattern of your lateness, which clearly goes beyond today….”

”AGREEING” is the act of going along with rather than speaking up, giving the outward appearance of agreeing when actually you have a different point of view. It is a non-assertive, conflict-avoiding block common for those who feel some apprehension in voicing an opinion different from what is being offered.

”BEING RIGHT” means that you have an emotional attachment to “winning” in a difference of opinion, enough so as to need to make others “wrong”. It is an aggressive block that conveys a sense of superiority and close-mindedness, as if my ego would be threatened if I were not to be “right” in the end. Most of us will back away from someone’s “being right” block because it can be intimidating.

Sue: I think Obama is a fine presidential candidate and he is likely to beat McCain this fall.

Bob: Give me a break – that is simply liberal garbage and there is NO WAY he is going to win!

DENIAL is the unconscious act of holding at bay aspects of reality which might be threatening to us. It also includes the common behavior of denying our own feelings.

Sue: Uh, are you OK? You look tense….

Bob: No, I’m fine.

Sure: Are you sure?

Bob: I SAID I AM FINE!! What are you bugging me for??

ADVISING is the act of “problem-solving” when the other person wants to be listened to. It is a block which manifests commonly in traditional male-female dynamics. He lurches in to “fix” the problem while she is still processing, still voicing her feelings.

Bob: What’s up? You look upset?

Sue: It’s my boss. He is giving me a hard time again. I felt so humiliated in this meeting when he….

Bob (agitated): Sue, I’ve told you before – you gotta STAND UP to this guy. You can’t let him push you around like this. You gotta march into his office, and you tell him….

Sue (agitated): Do you ALWAYS have to advise me, Bob? Sometimes I just want you to LISTEN to me!

Bob (stone-faced): Okay, fine. I will just sit here like a statue and say nothing. Is THAT what you want?

Sue storms off to her room at this point. No, Bob, what she wants is what she said: She wants you to LISTEN to her. Save any well-intended problem solving for AFTER she has voiced her feelings!

Hopefully this gives you a good picture of what listening blocks are. Did none of yours come up in this article? Don’t worry – we will have your number in the follow up material!

You don’t have to be a genius to understand listening blocks, as they are nearly universal behaviors. What will make you a better listener and general communicator with time is your AWARENESS of these blocks – awareness of when you are blocking and awareness of when someone is not hearing you. Regarding the latter – what to do about others’ blocks once you are aware of them in – that will be the subject of future articles. Regarding the former – awareness of your blocks – only AFTER you are aware of your blocks can you begin to LEARN to use classical listening skills. Trying to become a better listener without awareness would be like trying to ride a bike without wheels!

So let’s not put the cart before the horse. Until we meet again to cover the remaining listening blocks, try this:

• Make it a daily exercise in awareness to notice listening blocks, yours and others. Catch your blocks and see if you can name them. And then ask yourself what is going on for you at the time: What was it that was stressful about the other person’s behavior (or content)? How were you feeling at the time? How were you talking to yourself? And so on.

And don’t miss the next article on listening blocks, as there will be some good ones: counter-attacking, dreaming, rehearsing, and nitpicking – some real classics. And we will discuss in further detail how you can begin to replace your blocks, over time, with a genuine listening presence….