Many times I have discussed the value of effective communication. Having worked with couples in intimate relationships for over twenty-five years, it is my passionate belief that the way we communicate with ourselves, and others, ultimately determines the overall quality of our lives! No where is effective communication more important than in our intimate relationships; yet, it is still a struggle for many of us.

There are times when we absolutely unequivocally believe we communicated our message to our partner – only to end up in a never-ending battle that I refer to as the: “he said/she said” scenario. This battle gets played out something like this. One partner says: “I told you about that” (whatever “that” may be) to which the other partner responds: “No you didn’t”. Then the other partner responds back: “Yes I did”. “No – you did not”. “Yes – I most certainly did”. Well … you get the point.

What is going on for couples engaged in this type of communication battle is the fact that although words might have been exchanged – no message was ever communicated! In other words, just because we say something to each other, it does not mean we have communicated anything.

These couples are forgetting to use the #1 secret needed for effective communication!

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It is the most interesting thing when couples tell me their relationship is perfect except for their inability to communicate. Perfect except for poor communication skills? Hmm, interesting, if not impossible I think to myself.

Most couples can relate to the issue of poor or non-existent communication skills in a relationship. I am sure you can too. So what to do? It is impossible to have an intimate and happy relationship if you do not have good communication skills. You might be surprised at what I am recommending for the first, and perhaps most important tip for obtaining these healthy relationship-essential communication skills.

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One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they feel the men in their lives do not listen to them.  They believe that they are being “tuned out”  whenever an attempt  is made to have a deep, meaningful conversation about their relationship.

“When I try to discuss our future together, or where our relationship is headed, he just zones out.”  Refrains similar to this are heard far too often from frustrated women. 

So, if you feel your husband or boyfriend just ignores you, is there anything you can do to make him listen?

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In this article we will continue with our study of listening blocks, for good reason: When listening blocks occur in conversation, it means that we are not hearing the other and are not aware of it. Thus retiring your listening blocks (and learning how to cope with the blocks of others) can be rewarding to all your relationships. The key to this growth is greater awareness, of both your inner process and your interpersonal process with others.

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It is common for relationship coaches to advise us as to the importance of listening. Indeed, the ability to listen is seen as truly fundamental to all kinds of relationships, and thus many of us attend listening seminars or read related books and articles. I certainly did, long ago when I became aware of my own limitations as a listener.

Fascinated by the subject, I began teaching listening seminars, and quickly discovered a curious problem: The people who most needed the training were the first ones to declare that their listening skills were “just fine”. Bob says he is a great listener but his wife and coworkers say his listening skills are non-existent. I was initially baffled by this strange state of affairs, but with time I began to figure it out. … read more