Q~

A~ I can see the both dilemmas: how do you compete with your own shadow and attract a great partner when you don’t feel exactly on top of your game, and how can you be honest about who you are without focusing exclusively on the negative. This is indeed a delicate balancing act. You don’t want to do what so many of us have, and out-and-out lie or minimize some major themes in your life.

Let’s start from a bigger picture: while you may be experiencing great discomfort as you pass through (and up and down and all around) menopause, it’s true that this is a phase, a transient time, just as each day is. Besides, we are so much more than any one aspect of what we experience in any given time, day, phase, moment. It’s a matter of where we focus our attention. I have heard from some experts that menopause can be one of the most magical, mystical times in a woman’s life. The other big-picture thing to realize is that there is nothing to be ashamed of as we traverse each crevice of the human experience, and you can bet your partner is try to fend off his share of the inevitable himself. Essentially we are all in the same boat, and none of us are getting out alive or unscathed!

So, let’s embrace what is, re-frame some and look for the humor in all of it! For example, when we reach midlife most of us are wiser, more compassionate, better lovers, more tolerant, more available, and more confident, and so on.

I recommend you lead with what you are most afraid of; in this case, your age and that you’re moving through menopause, etc. When we embrace what we are afraid of the demon disappears, and anyway it’s what’s real—and this is real life, after all. You want a partner who shares this same reality. Plus you won’t have to worry about breaking the news later. How about something like this for an ad:

Fifty-something seeking real life partner for a trade. Must love camping, vigorous exercise, or have grown up in a big family. Patience would be a good quality to have, as well as the ability to delay gratification, saving the best for last—i.e., a calmer version of me post-menopause! In the meantime, must either play golf because it is among my favorite pastimes! You like movies, good food and wine, and love to laugh.  In exchange, I am willing to love and respect your stage of life because I know that no matter what life has handed you, your spirit is intact, your kindness is king, and you are seeking a partnership rather than a pit stop as we face the next millennia. I look forward to learning more about you, your passions, and the journey and the peaceful, joy-filled adventure we will create together!

Good luck and like my dear friend Kris Carlson would say: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!!

<3 maryanne

https://www.maryannelive.com

Like a fire, your heart can burn, from joy to sorrow, from euphoria to doom. The choice is yours. When you fail to stoke the fire, the flames will die and the heat will cool. You will begin to doubt yourself, your love, your commitment, and your spouse.

It’s natural to feel insecure when the relationship isn’t at its peak. You know what it’s like to feel on top of the world, and when you lose that feeling, you assume your partner is sharing it with someone else. Sharing cloud nine is nothing anyone wants to do. But how do you stop these feelings you’re having?

The doubt fills your mind, your muscles ache, your head pounds and your chest tightens. Where is your spouse? Who are they with? What is my spouse doing?

It doesn’t have to be this way. I’m asked all the time, “How can I prevent an affair?” The answer lies in the question. It’s the power of the law of attraction…the secret. If you ask the question in such a negative way, you’ve already lost confidence in your relationship. You’ve already given up on stoking the fire.

The answer is to identify threats in your relationship, and to ask yourself what you can do to stop the threats from taking over. There can be endless threats to any relationship, but I think some are more important than others.

Manage Selfishness

Some selfishness can be good. But it can become a problem when you force your spouse to do something for you and threaten punishment if they refuse. This can cause a great deal of unhappiness and create animosity between the two of you.

Evaluate whether or not you have caused mental pain to your spouse by being demanding. What kinds of things have you done, and how do you do it?

Respect Your Spouse’s Opinion

Your spouse is entitled to make judgments of his or her own. Your opinion is not superior to anyone’s and should not be communicated as such. Showing a sincere interest in your spouse’s value’s can greatly enhance your relationship.

By listening to your spouse, you can actually learn from each other and enjoy stimulating conversation amongst one another.

Respond verse React

Often times, we find ourselves reacting to situations. Reacting is a negative behavior, which we learn from a young age. We need to train ourselves to respond to behaviors and actions. Responding is a more sensitive and calming way to deal with problems. It harbors healing.

If you come home and disagree with your partner by yelling and screaming, you are reacting to a situation irrationally. If you are able to talk out your problems and communicate your feelings, you are responding, and your partner will value that about you.

Honesty

Being honest is important in every relationship. Dishonesty provides false information, but more importantly, represents false impressions about what you truly feel, think, like and dislike. If you are dishonest, you are not allowing yourself to connect emotionally with your spouse.

There is nothing to be afraid of. You should be able to be honest with your spouse. It’s better to be honest and have a disagreement than to lie about who you are as a person. When your spouse finds out you are lying, it will also create insecurity on their part, and they may never be able to trust you again.

Spousal Bonding

Whenever possible, you should be sharing yourself with your spouse. Whether it’s a trip to the grocery store or a night on the town, you should be spending time with your spouse. Acting independently without consulting your spouse is a sign of disrespect.

It’s not that you need permission or you can’t be trusted, but sharing activities with your spouse shows that you care, and lets them know you would rather be with them than anyone else.

Now there are plenty of more ways to prevent an affair, but as you’ve just read, most have to do with core values in your relationship. You need to trust your spouse, communicate with them, spend time with them, and be honest with them in order to achieve marital bliss. Work on these five habits and your flame will burn eternally.

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Brandon Grittini is the founder of Relationship Solutions, LLC and the author of the popular eBook “Cheating Spouses Revealed”.

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What does it take to have an extraordinary relationship? Consider the following. For those of you currently single, right now, you may be single and have been for quite awhile, or you may be relatively newly single (i.e. on the rebound), or you may be single and have no desire to be in a long term committed relationship. For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be an extraordinary relationship, or you may be in a “good” relationship, or while you may be in a relationship you may be planning your escape. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, the answer to the question posed to open this article is the same… basics.

Basics? That’s probably getting a few good laughs right now as you consider the person you are currently with or some of those you have been with in the past. For those of you laughing and for those of you that may be confused, you are about to learn something… it’s all B.S. It’s all about Belief Systems. Simply put, these are all those wonderful things you believe about the topic of relationships… also known as your rules. Here’s some cliché “rules” – Men can’t be trusted. Women can’t be trusted. Men are such slobs. Women are so picky. Men only have one thing on their minds. Women are so needy. Can you imagine what kind of relationships one might be having if they had beliefs like these? Here’s the amazing part though. The same people have great achievements and accomplishments they have celebrated in their lives. Here’s what we know about people who achieve. They go after what they want and they do it regardless of the rules. Can you remember a time in your life when you loved breaking the rules? Wouldn’t now be a great time to do that again? Do you have any idea what this B.S. may be costing you or someone you care about (emotionally, physically, even financially)?

Back to basics… the first rule to creating an extraordinary relationship is to let go of all the rules. Everyone reading this article has developed their own B.S. based on their previous experiences or the experiences of others, in particular the experiences they don’t want to have going forward. Do you know what that is? It’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). More than 90% of the population is driven by their fears and will do anything to avoid the perceived pain associated with those fears… including developing some great B.S. that keeps them from having an extraordinary relationship. Think of it this way. A plant either grows or… dies. Your car when moving either goes forward or… backwards. So, when you are so focused on your fears, you are not focusing on… what you really want.

Are you familiar with a movie that came out a few years ago on DVD called “The Secret”? The premise of the movie was the “Law of Attraction” and its role in our lives. While much of the movie explored financial and materialistic elements, the same holds even more true on an emotional level. If you focus on the pain in a relationship, you will see and experience what? That’s right. Pain. Focus on a wonderful relationship and what are you likely to experience? That’s right. Joy. Passion. Love. Test this with your own life experiences. Maybe you had a heart-throb in your teens or 20’s. During the first month, it was amazing, outrageous, fun, playful, exciting, sexy, loving, sensual and simply awesome. Then maybe 6 months or a year past and everything was anything but all those amazing thoughts. What really changed? There is little doubt that your focus changed from what you really loved to what you really did not love. That said, if you are not quite getting what you want, when now would be a great time to change your focus?

Another powerful basic is what we communicate. Consider the words that come out of your mouth (or words that you type on a keyboard or write on paper)? Think back to the example above. What words did you commonly use during that first month? He’s so… She’s so… Fast forward 6 or 12 months. What words did you find more common? He’s so… She’s so… This is simply another derivation of what you focus on. Ever have a friend say, “careful what you wish for?” These are all things we communicate. So, if you know your words (verbal, in print or in thought) would benefit from a more positive shift, when now would be a great time to change?

One more element under basics is you physically. Once again, let’s revisit the example above. During the first month, how did you carry yourself? Did you sway or have a swagger? Did you put a little extra effort into your appearance and make a great first impression when you walked into a room? Did you walk upright and with confidence? Did you eat healthier? Did you feel more alive and well rested after a night’s sleep? Now, let’s move to 6 or 12 months later. Did all of these things magically shift? Instead of a swagger, did it seem more like a schlep? Was getting ready to go out now 5 minutes of whatever, with mirror optional? Was your gait now more slumped over and did you seem to lack confidence? As for eating, does anything go? And as for sleeping, what sleeping? A good night’s rest was rare. These are all example that our physical being mirrors our outcomes. Knowing this, if physically everything is not where you believe they should be, again, when now would be a great time to change?

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose the words (and the tonality) of what we communicate. And we choose how to physically present ourselves. At the same time, many would contest the word “choose.” The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things that drive you and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

This article is the first in a series by the author that maps the creation of an extraordinary relationship. Again, you may be in one of a number of situations regarding relationships. For those who have a pretty clear view of what isn’t working, these basics will address your concerns as well. You are invited back to continue this journey towards the relationship you truly desire.