“I been with my wife over 23 years we had two kids my daughter 23 and my son 17 maybe I am over reacted or jealousies she work for casino her shift end at 2am sometimes she don’t get home until 5 am she don’t answer my call I came to her work her car still in the parking lot I waiting for her to show up after an hour she pull up with her coworker she told me they went out get something to eat, after few weeks go by she enrolled in some acting class I call but no answer accidentally her phone call me I heard she was talking to some guy I was listening to there conversations when she got home I was so angry when she saw me waiting in front of the house and jelling she drove off to her sister house she never explain to me who she with but I forgive her last week I came to her work and her coworker walk her to her car and they were hugging in the parking lot when she got home I confront her but told me I am over reactions and last night there both walking out I pull up in front of them she say he just walk me out, I want to catch her in the act and find out is she really cheating or I am just too jealousy and over reacting please help what should I do?”

- Tony (43, Torrance)

Online psychology degrees are what some people look into when they want more insight into relationship topics like jealousy.

“Last year my best friend moved to Nashville from Michigan. She ended up meeting a man a few months ago and recently announced she’s engaged. We were very happy and excited for her up until this week.

Allow me to backtrack slightly. I’m in my 40′s as is my friend. Though she is a lady, I’m a guy. We’ve been best friends for years to the point where she’s closer than my own sister. She was best person at my wedding and her kids (boy and girl both teens) were ushers. She and my wife are extremely close friends. We’ve watched her kids grow up (their dad is not in the picture), have babysat the kids on a multitude of occasions when my friend had to go out of town on business.

I’d planned on flying down to Nashville not only to meet the fiance, but to also take the kids to the last Harry Potter film. It’s been a tradition, since their mom doesn’t like the movies and I do, that I’ve taken them for the last five movies. My friend insisted that I stay at her house while in town.

My wife, is working on her masters and cant’ make the trip due to that time being midterms.

So I booked the flight and thought all was well. I was truly looking forward to the trip. Until this past weekend, when I received a frantic call from my friend. She’s in tears and more upset than I’ve ever heard her. (And we went through her brutal divorce YEARS ago)

She was calling to explain that when she went to tell her fiance I was coming down to meet him, he in her word “freaked out”. Though he didn’t get physical he came darn close. He completely lost his temper then just left. They don’t live together, she owns her own house, he his.

A couple of days later, yes he disappeared for two days, he came back and got in her face. He told her, “an engaged woman has no business visiting with a man who isn’t her kin.” He then explained that there was no way he would allow, a) me to stay in her house or b) her to see me even if I stayed in a hotel. So I’m clear, it’s not as though she’s never mentioned me. I was the first person to get a call when she was proposed to. My wife and I were the first to send a huge wine basket, to the both of them for congratulations.

Her fiance was born and raised in the South. Nashville area to be precise. He’s also Southern Baptist. He’s in his 40′s and has two kids of his own. Up until this week everything I’d heard about him from my friend as well as the kids, was he is a great guy. A true southern gentleman.

Does this add up? I’ve lived in the South growing up. It’s been a few decades, but I lived in TN, LA, AR and TX. I’m a Southern Baptist myself. But this reaction completely stumps me. “Kin” to me is family you pick. Those kids are like a niece and nephew to me and truly, my friend is a sister. Should I be at all concerned about this?

My friend really doesn’t know how to handle it. He apparently told her that was the way it is in the South and she needs to learn. I frankly think that sounds like a power play from a control freak.

Bottom line, is that I told her I didn’t want to be the root of any issues, so I canceled the trip.

So my question for you is this. Did I trample all over some Southern etiquette on this or is he using that as an “excuse” for something else?

Best,”

- C.J (44, Ann Arbor, MI)

“im in a relationship with a guy for 5 years now. he was my best friend before and we were so close. we still are so close and tell everything to each other. i trust him and im sure he will never cheat on me, however we always fight over stupid things and most of the time its because he makes me jealous!!im so sensitive, in love and really jealous sometimes..maybe i overreact and do crazy things but i think its normal to be jealous specially when it comes in relationships..however instead of being less jealous, he’s making me every other day more and more jealous…and everytime he makes me angry with his JOKES(that’s how he likes to call it) for example, when im with him he tries to make me see that he’s looking at a girl or when i ask him where was he he tells me he was with a girl or i don’t know stupid things. bottom line: HE ALWAYS TRIES TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.. i just wanna know how can i stop him do that??what should i do???cuz it really makes me angry!!i think we cannot call these things JOKES since they’re not funny!!!why the hell is he going to joke about girls every time??he was with a girl, he saw a girl, he studied with that girl, the girl called herrr.. etc..why?? i just wanna make him stop making me jealous.. howww? help me

ps: there’s no specific girl!!”

- Pamela (21, Lebanon)

“Hey! I need as much advice as I can get. It’s kind of about my relationship with my boyfriend and my problem with jealousy.
Well, we have been going out for a year and I love my boyfriend dearly. however, I find myself getting very jealous quite easily. I get jelous when he hangs out with other people and when he talks to other girls, I even get jelous when he goes out but won’t tell me what he’s doing. I don’t pry into every part of his life, or address my jealousy with him because I feel that it is stupid. but, no matter how stupid or pointless I know my feelings truly are, I can’t help but get jealous. I hate it! I just want to know how to overcome it!
Is there any advice that you can give me that could help me with this? I would greatly appreciate any advice given!
Thank you so much for your time!”

Jamie (18, Pittsburgh, PA)

“hello! I (age 30) broke up with my ex girlfriend (age 30) almost 2 moths ago. we were together for a year. She really loves me and she wanted to marry me. I just wasn’t that warm because of some personal things. When she asked me to break up i agreed but we still had contact. She broke up with me because I was not as warm as she was. I was wrong not to ask her to wait and open up and tell her i’m just not myself now because of some problems. very fast she got involved with a new guy (maybe a rebound?) and made it clear to me it’s over. Anyway, i told her how i feel about her and showed her my love, told her im ok now (she sees that also) and we can be everything we wanted to be. I even showed her the ring I bought her and was planning to give to her. And that was all. I didnt persue her at all. We met a few days ago and spent 5 hours together doing silly things and having fun. We spoke a bit about us but she says she is now somewhere else and the usual that she loves me and all. I encouraged her relationship telling her i want her to be happy. We met again today for an hour and i flirted a tiny little bit with her and she did seem open to it. I can tell she loves me and still is attracted to me. She even tells me I look hansom. She now thinks I am getting into something new and i can tell she is a bit jealous. I love this girl and I am ready to give her what she wants. I just dont know how to act now. We do have fun together a lot but should I keep meeting with her and flirt with her or shall I maybe go no contact for a bit and make her miss “us”? I do make her laugh a lot and that makes me happy! Thanks a lot!”

- Leo (30, Greece)

“Well I have been dating a guy since last year and we were meeting only for sex and he did have already a girlfriend and they were supposed to get engaged but they have break-up after.That guy keep on meeting me sometimes and we do keep in touch via messenger and I began to really like him,he cares for me and we talk as frineds and even we met only for sex he has never make me get any problem.But the last time we have meet we have gone to lunch only and my friends were around that day,and he has finally be friends my friends (both girls and boys)also,I did not tell my friends that we were dating each other because I knew that he meets me only for sex,but I became jealous when I find out that he meet my friends even I was not there.I have later tell my friends about us by lieing a bit by telling them that he was my ex.but I wanted to get into relationship with him because I like him very much. He was angry when I told him that I have told my friends that we were together before.He told i should have never told them about us and we did have a big fight. And he has really hurt me because he told me that I was cheap and he never love and never will. But after some week later he has call me and we chat a lot on messenger more than before in fact quiet everyday now. He has not yet talk about that fight between us, he is making as if nothing has happend,But the last time we chat he told that he wanted to meet me, I have ask him why, he told me because that he like me and he has like me since long. if he wanted me only for sex, he could have taken advantage of that he like me and he always want my good. So I have ask him about getting into a serious relationship he told me we will be together at any time the issue about his girlfriend can arise in his family and that they can force him to get engaged. He said that he really does not want to give me hope and like we are, we will always support each other.

I really don’t know what to do as I am confused, I want to get into something serious with him else I will leave him coz I don’t want to get hurt. plz advice me.”

- Aliyah (23, Mauritius)

“Hi,
One question.
There is this guy who is 3 years older than me, goes to my college and i can tell he likes me. I see immaturity. But if he likes me, why has he been acting weird, it’s complicated. He’s texting me almost everyday and wants to know what i’m doing and what i’m upto. He want’s to constantly take me out for lunch. Yet, I can see that he acts weird as if he is jealous asking me who i am texting when i was merely looking up music one day when i accepted. I told him that i have to know someone very well for at least more than a year to see if there could be something more and he replied Hm.. i think it’s worth it.

Okay.. so i think he is a jerk because it seems he is playing games with me as of stating “I’m going to my friends house she’s my coworker” and texting me at 1250am “just got home.” and so forth when i have turned him down softly because i had plans. Yet he still constantly keeps wanting to go out with me, I told him as “friends” and he told my girlfriend it was sort of a date. Eh… so much to say. But i wanted to ask why is this guy playing ? I believe he’s trying to make me jealous because he is ? It’s weird though i’ve only met him 5 times. I don’t know. But jealousy games dont’ work with me they only piss me off and make me want him stop talking to me. I’m not that type of girl that plays games. What do you think of this situation?”

- Crystal

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Crystal,

You sound like a very perceptive young lady. You have analyzed your problem very well, and seem to be on the verge of finding the right answer to your own question. You obviously don’t respect the young man who has been badgering you, and rightly so. From the way you describe him, he seems obsessively bent on controlling you, and control freaks are very dangerous. He is probably, as you have suggested, very jealous. You are wise to want to get to know a person before agreeing to any kind of relationship with him. This man wants to take over your life and do it as quickly as possible. Gaining you as his girlfriend will blow up his ego sky high. You are very reluctant to persue this relationship, and as well you should be. You said you were “pissed off” and I can understand that. I would be, too, in your situation. Since you have no tolerance for people who play “jealousy games”, as you mentioned yourself, the solution to your problem is obvious to me. Just get rid of him, and the sooner, the better.

All the best,
Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of Getting Enough

————————————————————

Dear Crystal,

You are just not that into him, yet you not only keep letting him play these games with you but return the favor to boot. Forgive me, but just who is being immature here? Life is too short for this silliness. Ignore him. Don’t return his texts, don’t talk to him, nothing. He’ll go away and both of you will be much better off.

- Anthony Hernandez

————————————————————

Dear Crystal,

I think that if this type of behavior only makes you want to stop talking to him, then you would stop talking to him.

It seems that you might be sharing some probable feeling for this guy since you are reaching out for advice on how to handle him and his jealousy.

The guy is obviously getting to you. If his immaturity really turned you off like you say, he would no longer be an issue. At all.

So ask yourself, Crystal, “If this type of behavior would normally make me stop talking to a guy, why is this guy able to get to me the way he does?” Answer that question and it will cause one of two things to happen. You will either realize that you like this guy (or something about him) and keep dealing with his BS, or you will realize that you’ve already dealt with it too long, and you have no more time for immaturity.

I hope you make the right choice for your sake, Crystal.

- Jason Love

————————————————————

Dear Crystal,

What you feel may not be love. Frankly the fact that he shows some signs of jealousy early on is not good! Being in college he has alot of new opportunities. If I were you I would spend more time perusing someone who doesn’t want to play games! You say you have already seen too much evidence of it! Then mind the red flags girl and move on!

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!

————————————————————

Dear Crystal,

It is not as complicated as you are making this out to be. You have described a guy who is an immature, jealous, possessive jerk who pursues multiple women.  Does this sound like a person you would recommend to a good friend?  Of course not – so simply stop texting this guy, stop replying to his texts and get a clearer idea of what you do want in a future relationship.  I assure you, when you take charge of the type of person you want to attract and treat yourself with dignity, then you will see a huge change in your social circle.

- Nancy Pina

9. Jealousy
Fascinating topic!! I really look forward to writing a series about this. This is so multifaceted but here it is in a nutshell. Most jealousy is a product of normal insecurity with a curious damaging side effect. It often leads to really good sex. This is an EXCELLENT way to create more jealousy! Just feed it good sex! Want more good sex? Find a way to be jealous… Soon the two are linked like Rodney King and the LAPD. So why would this lead to a breakup? Because it creates bad energy and eventually you need to escape it but the addiction is already in place. I had to use rat poison and small explosives to get out a similar situation.

8. Too wrapped up in one another
This happens more often to young couples than to older ones. Younger couples are more susceptible because they don’t have a clear identity yet. Older couples are not so needy and can function without being each other’s parasite. Why does this lead to a break up? because when the two of you snap out of your disgusting gooey love cocoon, you realize that you have no life! Friends have new friends now and even your dog won’t talk to you. Once he starts to miss his other life he often throws the baby out with the bathwater and you find yourself with a breakup TOTALLY out of the blue.

7. He is too insecure about the relationship
This happens when he thinks you are too good for him. Hard to identify  but if it is there LOOK OUT! Girls and guys deal with this type of insecurity often in very different ways. Guys tend to have verbal diarrhea a bit more. You will hear things like this “Well I am not the one with the law degree!” add forced laugh in a very unfunny situation. Or how about this “why don’t you just go find some football player!” once again the stupid smile and fake laugh. Jeeze! Just because you dated a 7 foot 400lb linebacker with a penis like a donkey’s. What is his problem!??? Well, it is his problem but you didn’t have to tell him about the ex’s resemblance to farm animals. If he is too insecure he will find a reason to get out and blame it on you.

6. Not growing together
I hate this one because it is the number two reason I struggle in relationships. When you meet someone you are typically at a similar stage in life. This means you are relatively congruent but this congruency does not often last. Imagine you are both saplings grown towards the sun. You are aggressively growing towards the light! but he is stoned on the couch with the Costco size bag of Doritos. When you first met you would have been right there with him holding the dip but now your life calls and he is in the way. Since we mirror the people we spend time with, the ones that do not lift up our values are often despised and disposed of. Equal and similar growth is necessary for all relationships (even friendships). IF NOT a break up in inevitable. (This was supposed to be why he was going to leave you but I thought it would be more fun to make him the loser)

5. You are no longer in the honeymoon stage
Have you ever met a born again Christian? I have been one once and let me tell you they are endearing and obnoxious to an extreme. They have a twinkle in their eyes of love and acceptance but expect a torrent of righteous disapproval if you jay-walk!! Eventually this New religious zealot will calm down and either become a more reasonable christian or… wake up one day saying “what the hell was in that kool-aid!??”  This is what often happens to relationships. However unlike the B.A.C.s (born again C) the person in love really did drink the kool-aid and is drugged to the gills. What, you say? Drugged? Yes!! You know it is true, when you have been madly in love you are not yourself, you are an obsessive crazy person that literally is drugged. The drug of choice is called Oxytocin, the same hormone that makes a new mother DEARLY love her bright red covered in slime newborn infant. Oxytocin is released by the brain in copious quantities when you are in love BUT at one point the production slows to a trickle. What now? Well like the B.A.C. you start to question things and if the relationship is not yet built on firmer ground than “love” it is going to wash away, and you will be left single once again.

4. He is tired of you trying to get him to change
I would like to make this on number one just because it is personally so frustrating to me! I usually am completely on the girls side but this time I am going to give the women a blasting! Guys don’t tend to do this, they pick a girl and generally take what they get or move on. WOMEN on the other hand pick a guy and see potential. It is almost as if he is a fixer upper. Yeah, the porch is a bit saggy and the outside could use some paint but by-golly I think I’ll buy it. I have had this happen to me a 1000 times over and watched it happen to good friends constantly. Bryce once went out with a professional tri-athlete. A real man of a woman that tried her damnedest to get the trucker/cop like Bryce to become the next Lance Armstrong. Bryce dumped her quite quickly to the applause of his friends.

This is probably the single most ANNOYING female trait I can think of. Save yourself some trouble, pick the fricken car you want. Don’t buy a damn Yugo and add racing stripes to it.

3. You are overly emotional or depressed
Number two most annoying female trait. Yeah I know that guys suffer from this too but because I am a nice guy with nice friends I don’t see this so often. Unfortunately nice guys tend to draw this kind of women and vice versa. I break down personalities into two groups, fire (aggressive) and water (passive). Fire and fire are not a good combo, they generally create more fire and will eventually burn down the house. Water and water are awful as well and will be so dull they will soak into the carpet. Overly emotional and depressed women generally have fire personalities and they look for a watery male to balance their flames. Unfortunately water can only take so much fire until it boils, turns into steam and evaporates out of your life. No one can take a constant emotional pounding, NO ONE. If you don’t address this issue and take radical measures to calm your flames you will be alone or in highly dysfunctional relationships the rest of your life.

2. Fear of commitment or he feels trapped
Every woman knows this one intimately. The guy that just can’t commit, the ones that will commit are generally spineless and not very desirable, the ones that wont you really want to posses. We can all make stabs at why men are this way but it does not really matter, they are and you can’t easily change this. Focus instead on what you want, to get a guy to commit without scaring him away. Have you ever seen one of those cat traps? It is a cage with a door on one side and in the middle is food, when the cat touches the food the door slams shut and the cat goes BALLISTIC. Do you see where I am going with this? A man is terrified he will lose his ability to roam but at the same time that food looks awfully good!! The trick is getting a man to walk into your trap and make it his home, but so many women slam the door of commitment too soon and he will do almost anything to get out.

1. You sabotaged the relationship
And the number one reason!!! You sabotaged it!!

This is without a shadow of a doubt the number one reason he is going to break up with you. Women sabotage for one simple reason, they don’t feel they deserve a good relationship or the guy they are with. This is the most insidious reason for a guy to break up with you since it was never his fault (well his fault for choosing you!). This is SOO hard to identify since you make it seem like he is the one with all of the problems. The truth of the matter is that you are subconsciously creating an uncomfortable environment for him to be in because YOU want out. Part of why this is so insidious is that it absolves you of guilt! You put so much pressure on him that he looks like the asshole for leaving you and you can say one more time. “Men are such scum sucking pigs!! I am never going to date again!!” Before you say this cliché again I want you to take a very very long hard look at yourself. Have you been responsible for this in the past? Are you going to be responsible for it in the future? If you can answer yes to these even a little bit it might be time to do some serious digging and figure out the roots of your non deserving.

Bullets:

• Almost all of the reasons for breakup can be condensed down to one key concept, The balance of power was off and you or he didn’t fix it until it was too late

• When going through a breakup it is NEVER productive to be right, the only person that you can change and grow is you

• After a breakup forgive yourself, next forgive him and thank him for helping you prepare for the next far better relationship

“Me and my boyfriend have been together only for 3 months now, we work together and he was engaged twice before and his 2 ex-fiances also work at the same company and we have common friends, however since our relationship started I’ve been hearing bad things about him (things that made his ex-fiances leave him ) such as; he’s not a responsible man and he’s spoiled and he knows a lot of girls, he doesn’t stick to his word and stuff like that. Anyway, I ignored what i heard and judged him only according to my relationship with him not according to what others say! Anyway, at the beginning, he’s been very nice to me, say nice things , bring me gifts, flowers, chocolates and all the things that any girl loves. He’s a gentleman too and that was what made me fall for him in the first place; he opens doors, walks between me and the street, calls me a lot to check up on me but 2 weeks ago something changed.. I don’t know what it is but I know that he’s involved in an important project at work and very stressed up but he began to do things that really made me angry. For example, we don’t go out together coz my parents don’t allow me to. Anyways he told me that he has a lot of female friends and he told me that he wanted to go out with them as he used to and just have fun in a group but I totally refused, I’m a very jealous woman and he’s a handsome guy!! How can I let him do that!! relationship started

So he got mad at me but he told me that he won’t go but 2 days after he told me that he had a confession to make and that is he was out of mood and really wanted to go out so he went out with his female friends! I got really mad but he blamed me saying that it’s not fair that he can’t go out with me or his friends!! so and in order to please him, the next day, I went out with my friends to the cinema and after the movie finished I called him to come over (it’s the first time for me to do so) he told me that he can’t coz the streets are crowded!! (N.B: Cinema is 5 minutes far from his home!!!) I was very disappointed coz I thought he will react differently, especially that we never go out together outside work!! Again I got mad at him and we stayed arguing for 3 days as he didn’t want to admit he did something wrong! But finally he brought me flowers and said he’s sorry then, a week after I was checking his friends list on facebook and I found a girl from a foreign country putting a photo of a nude girl as her profile picture! so I called him telling him to delete her.. at the beginning I said it nicely but he refused! so I stayed 2 days angry from him till he deleted her!! But I mean if he loves me that much does it really have to be that hard to fulfill such a silly request of mine without that hassle we had?? Anyway, we made up but 2 days after something that I just couldn’t bare happened; a friend of mine had a baby and I wanted to visit her at the hospital ( the hospital is 10 minutes far from work ) but it’s in an area far from my house and I don’t know it or where the hospital is, so anyway I called him and first asked “are you busy after work?” he said “No” so I said “I am going to visit X in Hospital X, do you know where it is?” I don’t know about you but I think that the proper answer to my question would be ” I’ll drive you there!!!!!!!!!” but instead he started to really describe where it is!!!! And he didn’t offer anything!! So I changed my tone telling him that I don’t know anything at this area! So finally he said you want me to show you the way? I said “why did I ask you if your free today in the 1st place!!!!! “

An way finally he drove his car in front of mine but when we reached the street where the hospital is located he told me you’ll find the hospital at the end of this street and just left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is this how a loving man supposed to do with his girl?? leave her in the middle of a strange place? what kind of a gentleman is that?? this situation was just it! I felt that he doesn’t care about me and then I started to think about what people said to me about him so the next day I told him it’s over although it’s killing me inside coz I really love him but what he did proves that he doesn’t love me? although from then till now he’s been trying to reach me, come to my office, call and sms me asking me to forgive him and that this is not his attitude usually but he’s only stressed coz of work and some other problems, that what he did was wrong and asking me to forgive him. I don’t know and I don’t know whether I should give him another chance or not? I don’t know if I’m overreacting or what he did was really bad ? pls. advice..”

- Bobani

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Bobani,

You are in an awkward situation. By your own admittance, you are restricted in your availablity to your boyfriend, to the point that your parents won’t allow you to go out with him. It sounds like your society expects you to adhere to strict rules regarding dating conduct, sex, and so on, and your hope is that your boyfriend fully accommodate those rules, even to the point of having friendships with other women..

It sounds like unfortunately, that is not his intention. Whatever is true (or not) about what others have said about him, he is expressing to you his wish to retain the option of at least going out with other women “just to have fun”. (In other words, not as sexual partners.) Is this so objectionable, given that you are not allowed to go out at this point? (As an aside, is your conflict with your boyfriend or with your parents?)

I hear you are a jealous person, but that isn’t about your boyfriend. That is about you, and I can tell you that extreme jealousy is definitely not a trait that contributes to happiness and healthy relationships. Do you want to remain vulnerable to attacks of jealousy for the rest of your life, straining future relationships? At your age it may be understandable that you would feel jealous, and yet with time you can work on outgrowing that, if you wish.

In any case, your boyfriend has been straightforward enough to tell you want he wants, and given the situation, what he wants sounds reasonable to me. If his wishes aren’t reasonable to you, then you have two choices, it seems. One is to try to coerce him to limiting his life in order to please you, to spare you from jealousy. I think it is fair that such arrangements generally don’t last very long, in that one person is denying himself to please the other, resulting in resentment, or to the alternative of doing what he wants and then lying about it.

The other choice is to conclude that handsome and gentlemanly or not, he is not the right guy for you!

In any case, good luck!

- Jim Ludwig

————————————————————

Dear Bobani,

It is very hard to let go of someone when we really love them. But it sounds like you love YOU more, which is great. Congratulations. You sound so healthy. And of course you must be uncertain, especially since he is trying so hard to get you back.

I think you did the right thing. He sounds classically unavailable and like he is a ‘crazymaker.’ But in the end only you can answer the question of whether you are overreacting. I think a better question might be: What do you feel comfortable with? Do you want someone in your life who will leave you out alone in the middle of a strange place? When you answer that question, you get closer to vital information about you and what will work for you in a partnership moving forward.

The secret to any relationship is knowing what works for you. It doesn’t matter whether he did “right’ or ‘wrong.’ The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. Your feelings never lie. Obviously the way you felt after that action led you to release him. But you are confused now and don’t know whether you should give him another chance. When you get confused, remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing him. He is who he is. The question is: Do you want to deal with his behavior?

It sounds like you don’t but what if you do decide to give him another chance? What if he does something similar again? Then forgive yourself. Another relationship secret is not to take relationships so seriously. People have things to teach us and when we learn the lesson, we let them go and move on. You may be ready to move on from him now or you may need to do some more ‘research’ with this person. There is no judgment in your process. Just notice how you feel when you interact with him.

Relationships are very loaded for everyone. It’s hard to stay clear. But the great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you get back together with him and find that it is a dead-end relationship, let him go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding unavailable people that when you meet someone who is available, you’ll be ready to give them a chance. When you let go of someone who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful!

I wish you the best of luck in this and all things.

- Marian Lindner

————————————————————

Bobani,

There are three MAJOR red flags in your story and you might be surprised when I say that none of them have to do with him.

1) You love him. You have been together for only three months. I would venture to say that you barely even know him. I also found it to be interesting that you said your parents won’t let you go out with him. If you have a healthy relationship with your family, that sends up HUGE warning signs…why do they not want you to spend time with him alone? Which brings me to the next issue.

2) Two fiances’…several bad reports. I was just telling someone today that when one person tells you something about someone, who cares? If five do, you might want to pause, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to pump the brakes. Now, if 20 people tell you someone is crazy, mean, unfaithful, sneaky, selfish…whatever, you need to take heed. I often advise women who are in a serious relationship to inquire why the last one did not work out. It is often a “forecast” of what’s to come. It sounds to me like you are seeing what people were warning you about.

3) He is telling you that he wants some space. From personal experience, I can tell you that one of the WORST things you can do in a relationship is not listen to what someone is trying to tell you and instead only hearing what you want to hear. He said he wants to hang out with his female friends…he’s doing that. What you “discover” (although some of your methods do seem a bit…intense) while he does that is kind of par for the course. From what you are sharing, he doesn’t sound like a man who wants the kind of relationship you do; hence you getting the results that you are.

My bottom line advice would be to back off a bit. What people want, they will work for. Don’t do yours and his part. You’ve made it clear how you feel. Give him space to figure out how he feels about it…AND ACCEPT WHATEVER CONCLUSION HE COMES TO.

- Shellie Warren

I am a believer that you may be jealous with your partner and not even be aware of it. A good judge of this is to ask yourself whether your partner has close friends of the sex to which they’re attracted. For a married woman, for example, it’s not always common for her to have close male friends with whom she socializes outside of the home or work environment. Is this because she is always with her partner, or because she is busy with other duties? Certainly having children makes everything more complicated, but having children shouldn’t negate the ability to maintain close friendships.

In my clinical work, I have found that members of a couple often don’t have close friends of the same sex to which they’re attracted out of fear. Often, there is a fear that their partner would get upset or feel threatened. Other times, there is a fear that some romantic feelings might start to develop. I have found that the happiest and healthiest couples have relationships in which each allows the other a certain freedom – and neither feels claustrophobic.

Look at your friendships as well as your partner’s friendships. Have a discussion with your partner about them. There is nothing to fear as long as you confront things 1) gently, 2) openly, and 3) honestly.