Isabell Asked:

“I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years. We were like all couples love each other want to marry each other and we have been living together for 4 years; 5 months ago he got a new job and was getting off work really late between 10-1am. We started contantly fighting because he would go to the bars with his coworker after work and lie about it. He knew that made me miserable. i asked him to leave that i was done with him. he refused but after so much fighting he said he needed to be alone to think. He moved out and i refuse to talk to him or text him, eventhough he constantly called me,text me and would look for me. he told me he was not looking to date other women that he was committed to me. After 3 months of been separated he begged to let him come back home and i gave in. He asked me to marry him and was in the process of looking for rings. we have been back together 1 month now. i asked him if he was with anyone this whole time and he said no. He still goes to bars after work and promises he’s not doing nothing wrong. Yesterday he left forgot cell phone at home. I saw a text from a co-worker saying that” i really think we should end this fling thing we have going on” i pretended to be him and text the girl to get more info, she said things like i dont want any1 getting hurt. So i called her and spoke to her. She told me that she has a boyfriend and it was only a flirting and that they only kissed. She said they never made out or went out due to the fact that she has a boyfriend. She apologize and said he told her we were not together. I asked her when was the last kiss and she said a few weeks ago. But nothing ever happend. Just a kiss. I confronted him and he said it meant nothing and that to him we were not together. I dont know what to do???? should i just end this 61/2 year realatioship. I feel betrayed!! and really disappointed!!!”

- Isabell (27, Memphis, TN)

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There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

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The first time I encounter infidelity

I remember vividly the first time I was ever unfaithful (does that mean there was a second?). I had just met the girl of my dreams. We had similar views and we were both enrolled at Westmont, a Christian college in Santa Barbara. Everything was going perfectly until I ran into my ex girlfriend. Now, I have to confess something, usually when I tell this story I soften it and say it was only weeks after I met Karen, implying that we were not that serious and I’m not such a bastard. Here is the truth, It was three or more months into our very serious and committed relationship. Karen didn’t live with me but we were about a month away. Simply put we were on a love high, religious high and about as emotionally stoned as that guy you see hanging outside of Starbucks. In our euphoria the last thing we expected was this.

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Anyone who has  experienced infidelity knows the emotional trauma it brings to a marriage or relationship all too well.  The pain of infidelity cuts to the very core of your heart and soul.  Partners who have been cheated on often pose the question: “How could you do this to me”? This begs the question: Can a marriage or relationship survive infidelity given its all-consuming  hurt and pain?

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Zach Asked:

“Married/Together with my wife for 10 years. We have two young children. She’s declared that she loves me, but is not “in love” with me. We have a great partnership, get along wonderfully (with the exception of this dilemma), have two beautiful children, parent well together.

What she claims to be lacking is the passion, the desire, the chemistry.

We have been processing through this for six months. I fell deeply into the quicksand of inadequacy and introspection to really see where I was out of integrity. I have demonstrated my commitment to the marriage in many ways, from my presence with my family, to creating special time for us to connect. Nothing has shifted for her.

Recently, she took up salsa dancing and found a new source of expression for herself. She “turned on” and it felt good. She also attracted another man, who she was beginning to have an affair with and lied and hid it from me until I discovered an email she wrote to him saying that she couldn’t wait to be in his arms again.”

The affair is over, no infidelity, but it was going there.

Recently, we’ve been discussing the option of a legal separation, but then she gets cold feet.

There is a tremendous amount of back and forth, her coming close to me and wanting me to comfort her, but then her position of not desiring me or thinking that I cannot give her what she needs comes back and we’re right back where we started.

My question is…with my family and my marriage at stake, where do I stand. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t desire me. I want love to flow into our lives. But I do love her, desire her, and want to continue building the beautiful life we have.

But it seems for her, this question of desire is a deal breaker and outweighs everything else.

Part of me wants to move on, but I’m pulled back for my love and for the sake of our long term marriage and especially for our children.

Where do I stand powerfully in this situation?”

- Zach(U.S.A.)

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Secret affairs can ruin a marriage, but more often than not, they are not a relationship killer. In fact, 82% of marriages affected by an affair actually have happier couples after the affair. The reason is that the affair reveals that something is wrong in the relationship, and most couples want to correct the problems.

While recovering from a secret affair isn’t easy, you can live a happy life with your spouse after the trauma. Among the many things that people need to work on after finding out about a secret affair is how to have sex after infidelity.

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