We love our partner and we are committed to our relationship with them. Deep down in our heart and soul we know we truly want to be in love with them forever. In spite of this yearning to be close to the one we love, there are some common mistakes we make – sometimes on a daily basis – that prevents our dream relationship from coming true. Below are three common intimacy mistakes you must stop now to keep the flames alive in your relationship.

1. Criticizing and Belittling. People do not realize how often they criticize their partner (and people in general) throughout the course of a day. We might criticize the clothes they wear, the type of movies they like to watch or the music they listen to. Or we may criticize their opinions on anything and everything. Whatever it is you are criticizing your partner about – you must stop this now if you want to keep the flames of love alive in your relationship.

Think about this for a moment. Would you want to spend an extended amount of time with someone who is constantly criticizing you? Of course not! When we constantly criticize our partner, we are, in fact, belittling them. Whether that is your intention or not, belittling your partner is the consequence of criticizing them. So if you are hoping to spend many passionate days and nights with your partner, stop the criticizing and begin accepting them for who they are!

2. Resentment. Resentment acts like carbon monoxide in your relationship – it is an invisible silent killer that destroys all those who come in contact with it. If you and your partner hurt each other, which is inevitable in any relationship, the ability to forgive one another is paramount if you want to go the distance. The inability to forgive our partner creates resentment in our relationship. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment and will go a long way to secure romance and intimacy in your relationship.

Unchecked resentment builds up and acts like an emotional wedge that comes between our self and our partner. Be willing to give to your partner what you will ask for someday – forgiveness. Sooner or later you will seek it from your partner too! And remember, you cannot ask from your partner that which you are not willing to give to them!

3. Unappreciated. It would be impossible for me to count the number of times I have heard people complain they feel unappreciated by their partner. As we become more comfortable with our partner, we sometimes forget to acknowledge the things they do for us. Couples who are able to increase their sense of intimacy and commitment to each other know that it is important to show your appreciation to your partner for the love they give to you and the things they do for you.

Appreciation can be shown in small every day acts of kindness. For example, bringing your partner a cup of coffee in the morning, or their favorite newspaper to read in bed are two very simple, but effective ways to show your partner how much you appreciate them. Remember, actions speak louder than words – so don’t forget to show your appreciation in your deeds as well as your words!

This article has provided you with three common mistakes you might be making that are preventing you from achieving the love and intimacy you crave in your relationship. Think about the ways you may, unwittingly, be criticizing your partner and stop it immediately! Building up resentment because you refuse to forgive your partner for past slights takes up more energy than it deserves – and zaps the romance out of your relationship. Neither you nor your partner is perfect so give it up already and let it go. Life is too short to hold onto past hurts. Finally, remember to show appreciation to your partner for the love and joy they bring to your life.

It you avoid these three common mistakes you are guaranteed to keep the flames of love burning brightly for years to come!

Today, I would like to give you the gift of gratitude. Gratitude is the ability to be grateful for all that we have in our lives. I am incredibly grateful to all the people with whom I share my life: my family, my friends and my loyal readers who know they can look to my articles for effective ways to increase the love and beauty of their romantic relationship.

Albert Einstein once said: “There are only two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as if everything is.” This life philosophy is based upon an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful for everything in your life and consider everything and everyone around you to be a miracle.

To be grateful in your relationship is to look at your relationship through a lens of abundance and appreciation. Focus on all the positives in your relationship – not the negatives. Be grateful for what you have instead of focusing on and being resentful for what you don’t have – or what you think you should have more of.

When you look at your relationship and your life through the eyes of gratitude – your world becomes a place of joy and happiness. Gratitude is a mindset that allows us to see the good in our partner and our life.

Here is my secret strategy for bringing gratitude into your relationship. Think about one nice thing that your partner said or did for you today – and be thankful for it. Be aware of how you feel as you think about this. Doesn’t it make you feel warm and loved? Let that feeling stay with you for a few moments and then go on with your day. Gratitude is also easily expressed by a thank-you or a hug; these are simple little acts that bring the giver so much love and appreciation in return for these easy gestures. 

Feeling grateful makes us feel good about ourselves and our relationships. Gratitude puts positive feelings into our relationship and allows it to expand from a place of love and abundance. Gratitude increases the bond we have with our partner and helps us resolve conflict in a healthy constructive manner.

Gratitude puts us in a place where we truly want to give back to the world for all that we have. When we are faced with conflicts in our relationship, if we approach these conflicts from a place of gratitude, we will feel less inclined to escalate these differences because we are not feeling the need to “win at all costs”.

The mindset and expression of gratitude in your day to day life helps solidify all your relationship and acts as glue for maintaining intimacy in your romantic relationship. When we show gratitude to our partner, we are letting them know we appreciate the love and intimacy they have brought into our lives.

Be grateful for all the love you have in your life. And my gift to you on my birthday is to give you my gratitude for our relationship. It is my hope you will give and show gratitude to the people you love in your life- and you will watch it spread like wild fire because gratitude is contagious.

Remember, gratitude is the gift that keeps on giving; I’ve given it to you as my birthday gift with the sincere hope that you will give it away to the ones you love! And you will see how much more you will get back in return!

1. As the emotional heat gets turned up, and you know you are only heading down the path of an all-out blow-out between yourself and your partner, give your self a time-out. Before you enter the emotional point of no return, where all your reasoning and common sense flies out the window, take a deep breath and you and your partner should both agree to walk away from the argument until you both cool off and calmer emotions prevail.

2. Check out your perspective and position in the fight you are currently engaged in and make sure you and your partner are not arguing about unresolved past conflicts. Sometimes we use a current conflict and use it to fight about a past conflict, unbeknownst to your partner. If you and your partner are not fighting about the same issue, believe me, it will never get resolved.

3. To make sure you avoid #2 in your fighting, once the fighting has begun, make sure you ask for clarification on the issue you and your partner are fighting about. Many times couples find out – after the fight has devolved to the point of no return – they were not fighting about the same issue. This is pretty hard to believe – unless you have ever been in a relationship.

4. Admit if you are wrong. It really won’t kill you.

5. Love means saying “I am sorry”. You would be shocked to discover how far an apology will get you in your relationship. Don’t just take my word for it – try it.

6. Avoid generalizations and using statements that place blame. “You always” or “I never”; instead say, “I feel hurt when you ….”; “You make me feel … when you do or say that”.

7. Walk a mile in your partner’s shoes by engaging in a little role reversal. Take your partner’s position in your fight – you may still not agree with their position, but it will give you a better understanding as to why they feel the way they do.

Remember the long-term goal of your relationship is to be happy and together. When fighting with your partner, do not fall into the trap of having to be right, or having to prove you are right at-all-costs. Instead, use Dr. Patty Ann’s 7 simple and effective conflict resolution tips. Otherwise, you might win the battle, but lose the war.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
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We all experience all types of stress in our lives. People in happy relationships; however, experience these stressors differently because they have the support of each other. So how do you and your partner de-stress your life and your relationship in 2010?

1. Communicate – tell your partner that you are feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed – and let them know where the source of your stress is coming from. Is it work? The kids? You? (yes, you read that correctly – you may be the source of your partner’s stress), Financial worries?, Health issues?, etc. Many times we assume our partner knows we are stressed – don’t assume this – they may just think you are tired or in a bad mood.

Just communicating and talking about the stress (and stressors) in your life will have a way of de-stressing you. Really, it’s true. Having someone listen to you and knowing you are not alone during stressful moments will not only make the stress in your life feel less burdensome, it will also bring you emotionally closer to your partner. Sharing stressful times with your partner strengthens the emotional bond and connection you feel with each other. Therefore, do not go it alone. Communicate with your partner about the stress you are feeling and gain their invaluable emotional support.

2. How we PERCEIVE stress impacts how we HANDLE it. Remember, everybody has stress in their lives – every single person. It is totally unrealistic (and quite insane) to think we can eliminate it from our lives; but we can control how it affects us. If we do not exert some control over the stress in our lives – the stress will control us. This is truly the kiss of death for our sanity.

All stressors do not have equal weight and equal value. For example, the stress related to a minor fender bender is no way near equal to the stress related to losing your job. You might laugh at this point and think it is obvious but many people react to all stressors as if they are the same – they are not! So keep your stressors in perspective of your entire life. Remember all the things you have to be grateful and thankful for. If you are alive – and healthy – no one stressor should be perceived as the end of the world!

3. Breathe deeply and be aware of what you are feeling. You read that correctly. When we become stressed we tend to hold our breath. This creates an unhealthy physiological reaction to stress and jams up all our emotional feelings and responses. (I could explain the brain’s biochemical reaction to stress for you but it will only put you to sleep).

So take a moment and breathe deeply and controllably. This will help center you and get you in touch with what you are feeling; otherwise you will just feel totally overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed negatively impacts your ability to recognize and understand your emotions, leaving you virtually paralyzed to effectively deal with your stressful situation. Yoga and meditation are two great ways to learn breathing techniques which help you center your mind and body and get “grounded”.

These are certainly stressful times. Since we can’t avoid stress in our lives, it is imperative we learn how to handle them effectively so we can de-stress our lives and relationships in 2010.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com

Remember the old song by THE BEATLES, titled “All You Need Is Love” with verses like, “all you need is love, love, love, love, love is all you need”. Well some things never change because love is all we really do need to keep our relationships going strong.

Relationship experts have written volumes and volumes about the qualities and requirements of a healthy relationship. Books and articles have discussed the importance of sex, intimacy, communication and compromise and how these factors play a vital role in keeping your relationship healthy and strong. All of this is true.

However, the single most important component needed for a healthy, happy and intimate relationship is love.

Millions of songs have been sung about love and the power of love to transform our lives and relationships. Did you know romance novels are one of the most popular selling genres of books in the world? Wars have been fought for the love of a woman; remember Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships? And who doesn’t enjoy a romantic movie? Throughout history we have been fascinated by the love of Antony & Cleopatra, the last Pharaoh of Egypt and her dashing Roman general.

So why are we so consumed with the notion of love? Well the answer is quite simply. Love, and the search for love is a universal need. This love is unique to the love we find within our intimate relationships.

Love is the super glue that binds you when the going gets rough in our relationships. If we lose our job, our money, and all our “stuff”; if you have a loving relationship you will find a way to survive. Research shows people who are in loving relationships lead happier and healthier lives than those who are not.

At the core of any healthy relationship is love; it is the source of life and strength. Sure, sex, communication, intimacy and compromise are important elements in your relationship; but they won’t help you one little bit if you do not have love for each other at the heart and soul of your feelings for each other.

Is it any wonder that love is written about, sung about, thought about and sought out with a passion all its own? This is because, quite simply, love is all you need!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com