“Hi, I’m 16 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I am afraid to talk to girls still, and i have never once asked a girl out. I am an extremely shy person and I have a number of mental disorders which are ADHD and Social anxiety disorder. If I were to judge my looks on a scale of 1-10 I would rate myself a 7. I must also mention, i am extremely picky and i can’t help it. I only try to go for the super hot cheerleader type girls which i know are out of my league. So please give me some advice that will help me out on my quest to find a girlfriend.”

- Jerrod (16, Beaver Falls, PA)

Now, this by ITSELF is nothing new. We ALL know women do this. Heck, you might be a woman reading this NOW who does this. Again, it’s nothing new. However, what IS new, is the information I’m going to share with you in this article. Not only is it TOTALLY DIFFERENT from everything you’ve ever thought BEFORE, but it ALSO raises some brand new QUESTIONS. So read on.

You see, even if you DO make a guy wait 2 or 3 months to have sex with you, he can EASILY be having sex with OTHER girls until YOU decide to do it, AND still DUMP you once he DOES have sex with you — IF he’s that type of GUY. (But you won’t KNOW until you TEST him…)

Consider the following…

Scenario 1: You meet a guy, and you make him wait 90 days. You develop really strong feelings for this guy by the time 90 days is up, so you’re HAPPY to finally give him your body now that he’s waited. The connection is strong, the mood is right, and the sex is fantastic. But then, he dumps you on the 91stday. How are you going to feel? Played, hurt, confused, angry, sad, and bitter. All because he USED you. Now you’ve put a HUGE WALL up for all the DECENT guys to have to break down, all due to ONE man (HIM) and a poor decision, made by YOU.

The Truth: If a guy is a user, he will BE a user no matter WHEN you give it up. Today, tomorrow, three months or ten YEARS from now. If he really wants sex that bad, he will play your waiting game, only to BEAT you at it once it’s over, and leave you looking stupid. So DON’T LET him! Instead, play it smart. Have sex when YOU’RE ready.

If you want sex with this guy after a week, HAVE IT! If you don’t, FINE! If you want to wait 3 months, WAIT! However, if you DO want sex with him, and you DELAY it to live out some silly fantasy that he’ll RESPECT you more, you’re only hurting YOURSELF in the end.

You see, if you have sex with a man too early, and he stops talking to you, you’ll be mad at yourself, saying “Ugh! I should have made him WAIT!” But in REALITY, that’s not true. Because if he’s the type of man to STOP TALKING to a girl over something as SMALL as acting on her sexual DESIRES (the same way HE did, I might add) is he REALLY the type of man you want to deal with ANYWAY? Probably not. So why deprive YOURSELF of what you want, because you’re worried about what HE’S thinking? You’re letting HIM control your ACTIONS without even REALIZING it!

Scenario 2: You make a guy wait 90 days. You want to seem respectable, and you don’t want him to leave after “getting what he wants.” So you keep him on a string so that he’ll STAY until it’s time for sex, as if that’s the ultimate prize.

(The ultimate prize SHOULD be your HEART, dear…NOT your vagina. But we’ll get to that a little later.)

In any event, the time finally comes for you to have some real good lovin’ with this man, and…he’s TERRIBLE in bed. That’s right, his stick isn’t magic, and he doesn’t know how to wave it. So NOW you’re stuck wondering IF it’ll get better, how long you’ll be able to deal with his horrible sex if it DOESN’T get better, whether you should cheat or stay faithful, whether you want to stay with the guy at ALL, and HATING the predicament you’ve now found yourself in. ALL BECAUSE, you just HAD TO WAIT, thinking it was “the best decision.” Well, maybe you should’ve taken this car out for a TEST run first…

The Truth: If you’re worried about a guy not sticking around anymore after he has sex with you, that tells me that SEX is all YOU think you have to OFFER a man. Otherwise, why would you think he’d LEAVE you AFTER sex? Don’t you have OTHER things worth staying for? Such as your MIND, or your HEART? Shouldn’t THOSE things be valued a lot more than SEX is? And if you’re saying “Yes, but men don’t CARE about those other things”, then you’re messing with the WRONG MEN. Because a REAL man will stick around even AFTER you give him sex. Why? Because he LIKES you, and is in it for MORE

Now, am I suggesting you have sex with every man you meet on the first day? Of course not!

But ask yourself this question: If your HEART is truly more precious and VALUABLE to you than a “good time in the sack”, why is SEX the thing that you WITHHOLD from men, while giving him your HEART so EASILY? Think about it…

This issue is just ONE of the many issues covered in Jason’s Love’s “Rulebook” (which can be purchased for only $5). Other issues include, how to spot a liar or a cheater before he manipulates you, how to tell the difference between a man and a boy, how to stand up to a guy who treats you badly, in a way that makes HIM feel stupid, and much more.

Email JayTheAdviceMan@aol.com for your copy today!

1. Thou shalt never bail on thy girls to hang out with a guy, unless he is a biological or adopted relative (son, nephew, grandson) and preferably under 18.

2. Thou shalt remember that thy friends’ exes/parents/siblings are OFF-LIMITS.

3. If thou hast an affair with thy friend’s spouse or child, thou shouldst enter the Witness Protection Program or thy country’s equivalent ASAP. 4. Thou shalt never tell thy girlfriend that she looks terrible, but thou mayst suggest an alternative, even to lending clothes from thy own closet.

5. Thou shalt fix necklace clasps, tags sticking out, and loose threads with impunity.

6. Thou shalt make thyself available on the phone or in person for an appropriate duration of time after thy friend has a crisis (fired from job, breakup, loss of loved one). Thou mayst set boundaries/suggest professional help after said appropriate duration hath passed.

7. Thou shalt bring any or all of the following medications to thy friend during said crisis: takeaway food, chocolate in any form, ice cream (the best flavor available in thy area), any salty snack food that crunches (bonus points for dip), alcohol (Caveat: If thy friend is a recovering alcoholic or otherwise a teetotaler, thou must substitute energy drinks), soda (diet is preferred as it cancels the calories from the snacks, sweets and takeaway).

8. Thou mayst dissect any of the following topics to exhaustion: the cute antics or bad behavior of thy pets or children, thy spouse or significant other’s bad behavior, thy friend’s spouse or significant other’s bad behavior, thy boss’s lack of appreciation for you, thy latest conversation with thy mother or therapist, thy latest diet or workout program.

9. Thou must trash-talk thy friends’ (parasitical, dishonest, selfish, rude) exes, even if the ex is thy classmate/next-door neighbor/sibling. If the ex is thy parent/boss, thou must listen but thou hast the option of not participating in the trash-talking.

10. Thou must trash-talk thy friends’ exes’ new significant others. (That was a mouthful!)

11. Thou shalt listen to thy girlfriends kvetch about their problems, but thou shalt not take umbrage when they do not takest thy (wise, profound, brilliant) advice.

12. Thou shalt say, “I told you so,” to thy friend only if thy friendship is solid and long-standing. This applies seventy times seven times for thy BFF.

13. Thou shalt pretend an interest in celebrity news/reality TV/chick lit even if thou lackst it. If thou canst not pretend, thou shalt at least refrain from rolling thy eyes.

14. Thou shalt never turn down an invitation to go shopping, even if thou hatest shopping!

15. Though any setting is acceptable, the following environs are best for interacting with thy girls: lunch or dinner out, coffee (preferably at a bookstore with soft chairs), yoga or Pilates class, Stitch and Bitch, takeaway and chick flicks at home.

16. When out dancing with thy girls, thou must be prepared to act as wingwoman or mother hen if necessary.

17. Thou must adopt at least one gay male. If thou hast none, thou must find one. Volunteering at arts festivals or going to Gay Pride marches are excellent ways to find these beautiful creatures.

About the Author – Meghan K. Donovan is a creative spirit moonlighting as an office manager and freelance writer. She lives in Cleveland, Ohio with her two almost-human cats. She believes in God and in the power of chocolate to heal most ills. She digs guys as committed to peace, social justice, and spirituality as she is.

“There is this girl that I met the weekend before Thanksgiving and took a liking too. A friend of hers let me know that she supposedly thought I was cute. I got her phone number that night and have been talking and texting her every day since because she lives an hour away from me. I have taken her on a couple of dates thus far and all has gone swimmingly. From my stand point we have a great deal of chemistry between the two of us, and on a side note she plans on going to the same college I attend this fall. I have but one simple question. Should I ask her to be my girlfriend (I would really like to) now and if so how should I do it.”

- John

Our Experts Responded:

John,

It’s not that serious! Relax I can hear the over -thinking tension in your post. There is obviously some interest there because she went on more than one date with you, so the hard part is over. Now it is time to just enjoy. Asking her to be your girlfriend is asking for exclusivity and there are only a few reasons for asking for exclusivity.

1. Fear of competition. You have already decided that she is the one for you, but you don’t want to compete for her. That’s not sexy. In order to pursue a long term relationship with confidence you need to know she is with you because she wants to be , not out of default or adherence to a loyalty to rushed to pledge. She may see the question as an ultimatum and since she likes you she will levey a premature “yes” and ponder it at length later, without you.

2. You want to have unprotected sex and need to make sure you are exclusive. I sincerely hope this is not your reason for wanting to ask because it is way too early to consider that. In fact I will post this week an article about when to “take the gloves off,” so check out my blog holliegolitely.blogspot.com

3. The relationship has reached that point, but nobody is willing to own the crossover. That is rare and if it does come to such an impasse, then there are other issues that need to be faced.

Less than three months is a bit early to try to nail her down. The girlfriend label will be wonderful when she is ready to wear it, but it will feel scratchy and confining if she is pushed into wearing it too soon. Becoming a public, declared formal couple is a conscience decision and a prize so don’t give it away so soon and don’t try to shoplift it either. Continue to ask her out and spend time with her, through your actions you can show here that she gets first dibs on all of your free time. The coupling stage will evolve through actions and sharing of time and confidences. You are very young, maybe you will marry your college sweetheart and live happily after, wouldn’t you like to look back on this time and feel the start of your relationship was based in mutual desire, confidence and lots of time well spent.

- Hollie Golightly

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John,

Hats off to you for your honesty and awareness of what you want. It sounds like you met a great girl – now you simply need to take the time to continue getting to know her. Though all the lights are flashing green and go, you have to bring a “yellow” light into the equation and approach with some caution. Avoid putting too much pressure on yourself or on her by rushing too quickly to define the relationship. The truth is that if you are supposed to end up together, you will as long as you are both on the same page.

While you are understandably caught in the thrill of a new relationship, John, remember that you have your whole life ahead of you and a huge transition coming as you head for college. The best thing you can do is to proceed – but proceed with some caution. Because your heart and feelings are delicate things, you must get to know someone well before letting yourself fall head-over-heels in love.

- Dr. Seth

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Dear John,

This situation may be a toughy, only because a lot of times when teenagers enter college in relationships, they tend to end sourly because your life is opened to so many new experiences; such as crazy parties and an increasingly amount of beautiful college girls. Sadly, some men become so overwhelmed over the amount of estrogen surrounding them that they tend to cheat on their girlfriend or dump her, although they have no other girl to fall back on.

But, you John, may be a bit different from the rest of the male freshman. I feel you may be different because I can tell you really like this girl and are ready to commit to her and only her. Since you have these strong feelings, you need to make sure that she is fully ready for a relationship. Schedule a nice evening with her before the semester begins, and discuss where she sees the two of you going. Has she mentioned settling down with you before? What is her dating history? These are questions that need to be answered for your sake, before you take the plunge and showcase your heart to her.

Overall John, I recommend first talking to her about taking things to the next level; making sure that she is ready and the two of you are on the same page. If you two share the same feelings, then you should setup a nice, romantic evening where you can ask her to be your girlfriend. Remember that some things are worth waiting for; make sure you really know this girl and have spent enough time with her that you’re both completely comfortable with one another. Make sure you like the girl you hang out with, and not just the text messages she’s sending you, because with texts, one can easily write what the other wants to hear. Good Luck.

- Porsche Simpson

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John,

Congrats on the new thing you have going on with this girl. It’s exciting to finally meet someone to like, have fun with, and recognize that she is someone that you could be with on a long time, exclusive basis. I am not sure after a few dates that it would be appropriate to ask her to be your girlfriend. Based on what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like the two of you have been intimate yet. And since you didn’t mention her age, I am not sure where she is with life experiences. It would be great to express your feelings to her and tell her you like her and that you like where things are going, etc . See how she responds to that. You didn’t mention if you knew if she was dating any one else. It’s fine if you want to tell her that you are not interested in seeing other people and are currently only interested in dating her. If she responds positively, it would be fine to tell her you’d like to take it to the next level but seriously, it depends on her response. Find out first, of course, if she is dating anyone else. An hour drive is not far, but it does limit the spontaneous time you can spend together, so basically everything has to be planned in advance. Whatever the outcome, just be patient, enjoy her company, enjoy the beginning of something new and don’t rush things.

Cheers,

- Robbie Lee

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John,

The first thing that popped in my head after reading your letter was “This is a no-brainer. Of course you should ask her.”

However, upon further analysis of your situation, I’d say to hold off on that. College opens up a whole new world for young people. Frat parties, new people, drunken mistakes, busy schedules, etc. And with you both attending the SAME college, it MIGHT be a problem.

I’m assuming this girl is about your age. And from experience, I can tell you, that even the NICEST of 18 yr olds are still just that–eighteen. Everything is new to them. Even the most innocent ones are naturally curious. They wanna go out, they wanna party, experience life, and just see what else is out there. I’d say to keep dating her casually, but don’t make anything OFFICIAL yet until you see how things go. See if things change within the first few months of school. See if you two grow closer, or become more distant. See if your feelings intensify, or if they lessen. If you two really like each other, you don’t need to rush it. It’ll last. So don’t jump into anything just yet. Keep dating, get to know her better, and then base your next move on how things go in the coming months.

- Jason Love

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John,

My knee jerk reaction was to say “No, give it some time, you haven’t known this girl for very long.” But what do I know?

Well John, this Divorce Guru knows lots. Which is why I’m changing my reaction.

Should you ask this girl to be your girlfriend? Excuse my language, but, hell yeah! What’s stopping you? You’ve got chemistry, you talk and text everyday, and things are going “swimmingly’. Dude, just do it! What’s the worst that can happen: she’ll say no. What’s the best that can happen: she’ll say yes. On your next date, take her by the hand, look her in the eye, and straight up ask her if she’ll be your girlfriend. Easy-peasy.

Live in the moment, stop worrying and wasting time wondering about things you should do. This is a no-brainer. Ask the girl…something tells me she’ll say yes!

- Kim Hess

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John,

I would continue dating and spending time with her, but don’t ask her to be your girlfriend just yet. The last year of high school and the first year of college are a *major* transition period, and emotions tend to run high during those times. Enjoy getting to know each other, and don’t worry about where it’s going.

All the best,

- Meghan Donovan

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Dear John,

Absolutely! I would tell her something like, “I want to take us to the next level. I would like to see you exclusively. I want to see where we go from here. I like the way I feel when I’m with you (tell her how she makes you feel) Does that sound like something you’d like as well?” And hold your breath for her response.

- Blanca Marquez

“So I’ve met this wonderful girl online last week, and starting on Monday have been talking to her everyday online since then. I’ve even managed to meet her in person, take her out over the weekend on a couple dates, and brought her over to my dorm for a make out session, but here’s the kicker….

We met on campus and now it’s winter break and she went home which is over 2 hours away from me. I’ve been talking to her over the net since being home but she has told me she hasn’t been out yet cuz her friends aren’t back, making me think when her friends are back she might not talk to me anymore. Plus she hasn’t mentioned anything about starting a relationship with me.

I really like her a lot and I wanna be her boyfriend but I’m not sure if I should ask now. I’m afraid she might meet someone back home, so I’ve even thought about driving out to meet her, and would ask her then to be my girlfriend. I’ve read that I should wait for her to ask me? I don’t know what to do and time is slipping away, any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

- Dan

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Dan:

It’s too soon to make a pitch as her boyfriend. She’s still absorbing what she has learned about your physical presence (which includes much more than your physical presence, as you know; it includes your “vibration,” “aura,” energy, eye contact, hygiene, respectfulness, ability to listen, etc—many, many things). You should be absorbing the same material about her before convincing yourself this is a lasting relationship that you must somehow grab in two weeks.

All that said, why not call her, and tell her you would like to visit her during the break (but that you understand if she’s too busy—college kids DO have lots of catching up to do on their breaks, as you probably know from personal experience). Make it safe and comfortable for her by suggesting that you come over around noon, take her out to lunch, spend the afternoon doing something fun; and then go home at a specified time like 5 or 6 pm. That way, you’ve made no assumptions about her availability (in all senses of the word), you’ve respected her time (breaks being consumed with many social and family commitments and issues), and you don’t appear overly needy (as if you have nothing to do during the break but wait until you can resume spending time with her).

As a father of teenagers, I’ve become aware of the hooking-up lifestyle that has largely replaced traditional dating. In some ways, it’s better than the old way, which can carry a lot of pressure and craziness. But hooking up is also building a bad rap among more sensitive girls because it seems to favors “free” physical affection and sometimes sex for the male without much possibility of emotional or long-term commitment, which is something girls tend to seek sooner than boys (maybe that’s why many girls migrate tend to toward older boys as they go through repeated hook ups with boys their own age).

You’re clearly in the running, but that doesn’t mean you should speed up. This is not a sprint. This is mile race. You pace yourself; and you also adjust to the pace of the female. That doesn’t mean you wait for her to ask for things to get serious; it means you build the relationship: by being friendly (not moody); by being attentive and listening well (what does she need from a relationship right now?); and by having the confidence to “stand in line,” if necessary, while she weighs you in her judgment, possibly comparing you to other boys. That’s the nature of the game. Hooking up is a way of obscuring the game somewhat, especially when facilitated by alcohol; nothing changes, everyone’s still free—and everyone is still alone. So the game must go on, subterraneanly. The male offers himself, the female accepts or rejects. It can be a rough game, but played well it usually works out.

- Wise Old Man

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Dan,

There is a fine line between romantic gesture and obsessive behavior. If you drive up there, even under the guise of a “surprise,” it could be easily taken as an infringement on her space,..or worse, an act of desperation. Desperation is never attractive.

Sadly, girls respond to guys that they can’t “have” easily. I know this sounds like game playing, but it’s basic instinct. They want the one that is in demand or that has the strength to stand back, not to be needy.

Back off a bit, be available, but don’t put yourself out there. Eventually, she’ll ask YOU what is up,..and then you will be in a better position to find out about HER feelings. If she likes you, she’ll pursue you at least enough that you’ll know what she wants. If she doesn’t follow when you back off, then she isn’t that into you. It’s sad, to think that could be the case, but you want to know, right?

So just relax,…ease off a bit. Don’t act like a jerk,…don’t be too aloof. Just ease off of the hovering. Respond, but don’t overly initiate the contact. Give her room. She might be sorting it all out, she might just be busy,..she might be really into you. But if you are TOO available, too desperate, she’ll lose interest. Neither of you wants that, right?

Just take a deep breath,…ease off, and be ready for the truth. Who knows? It might be better news than you think.

- Kevin Ford

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Dan…Dan…DAN.

I say this in love.  CALM DOWN.

I know what it’s like to meet someone via email.  Sometimes you end up getting to know more about one another in four inbox exchanges than some people can get to know on 10 dates because it’s all about words…what’s going on inside the mind.

It sounds like the two of you got to a pretty solid start, but in real time, it hasn’t been that long and as much as we love a man to pursue us, there is a fine line between “wooing” and “borderline stalking”.  It’s the holiday season.  Send her a card or some flowers telling her that she’s in your thoughts, you would enjoy seeing her in the New Year and leave it at that.

That’s some pretty safe-and-attentive-at-the-same-time bait.  If she’s interested in taking it to the next level…she’ll bite.

- Shellie Warren

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Woah, woah, woah Dan!

The words you’re about to read are coming from a young woman who knows a thing or two about dating; you’re moving too fast man. I’m glad, no thrilled that you have met a woman who fulfills your needs and makes you want to settle down, but I think you need to examine this relationship a bit. What I mean by that is, not only are you trying to rush into a relationship, but you are overanalyzing her actions. If she likes you, then the arrival of her friends won’t affect her feelings, nor how affect how often you communicate.

One aspect of this relationship that you need to work on is how you are considering driving two hours to spend time with her because you don’t want her to get distracted by another guy. The fact of the matter is, you should travel to visit her because you like her, not because you’re worried about guys that don’t even exist. Driving the distance means that you’ll be spending quality time and displaying your feelings for her through your actions, not words, that you’re a great catch.

Also, I don’t know what era you’re living in or who told you this, but the last time I asked a guy to be my boyfriend was…oh yeah, never. I think you need to spend more time with your special lady; make sure she doesn’t forget about you when her friends arrive. In other words, call her, send her love notes, drive to her or have her travel to your hometown as well. As time passes, you two will slowly see you’re doing things that couples do, and you’ll feel more comfortable asking her to become your girlfriend. Things take patience and hard work, especially long distance relationships; but if you want something or someone bad enough then you will put in the effort and won’t allow them to slip away.

- Porsche Simpson

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Dear Dan:

First off, it’s normal to have so many thoughts running through your head when you like someone, but you should try and stay with the present and not do the “hypothetical thinking” or the “what if’s”.  Hypothesizing about what she is thinking or what she will do when her friends return could lead to sabotaging your future with her if it leads to you being a little neurotic and she picks up on it. It sounds like you are very anxious.  So try and calm down a bit.  Based on what you wrote, I couldn’t determine how long you have been seeing this girl nor could I tell the level of frequency you see her, etc. You indicate you met her online.  If she actively was looking for a relationship or dating based on her ad or profile, then knowing this gives you at least some information of what she is looking for from dating.  If her ad or profile says she is not looking for a relationship, then you may want to hold off.  Perhaps if she is newly out of a relationship, now is not the best time to ask her to be your girlfriend either.

When you can find an “appropriate” time, talk to her or better, write her an email.  Openly communicate your feelings without being overly gushy, is a good thing.  You can say something like “I really enjoy your company and like how things are going between us”.  I am not sure it is appropriate time to ask her to be your girlfriend.  Enjoy the dating aspect of things and getting to know her.  Keep your mind calm and push away thoughts of the “what ifs” and whether she meets someone else.  If she does, she does and she wasn’t for you.  If you have not been intimate with her yet, then this would also be an indicator that it is a little too early to ask her to be your girlfriend.  Unless you have clear indication from her that she would say yes and I don’t get that from your inquiry then hold off until you have a better sense of where she is with the idea.  But DO talk to her and keep the communication open.  Perhaps send her a gesture of a gift or card or flowers or something to express your thoughtfulness related to her.  Let her know you like her, keep communication open, and enjoy getting to know each other.  Don’t rush things and you will know when the time is right.

Ciao

- Robbie Lee

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Dear Dan,

What’s the rush?  If your relationship with this girl will get off to a good start,  you really need to give her space and let the relationship unfold.  She’s gone home for the holidays, to be with her family and friends.  You should do the same, if possible.  You can talk online, but don’t get obsessive with this.  You can easily freak someone out by doing that, and if it’s a new relationship, you really do not want to push too hard.  Just relax, enjoy your life, and when time permits, enjoy her company.

School will start up again before you know it, and you can start the new year off with asking her to be your girlfriend.

Hang in there.  Enjoy the holiday season, spend this time doing what you like.  And don’t obsess.

- Dawn Antonis

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Please also see articles from Men’s Dating Tips category.