“My marriage of 7 years has fallen apart. We fought over and over with no resolve due to communication issues. I ended up pushing her away, and telling her I wanted a divorce over and over. We ended up getting an attorney and pretty much had one foot in the door. All we had to do is pay the $. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn’t want the divorce. I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. She refused, said she had been going to individual counsleing, and had gotten to a place where she had moved on. I am devistated. I want her back, I have tried talking to her over and over again, but she says she loves me, but isn’t in love with me anymore. She says she wants to get the divorce, be good friends, and then “let’s see what happens”. I don’t know what to do. I want to be friends with her because she is the love of my life and I care so much about her, but I find it extremely difficult to turn off my feelings when I am around her. All I think about is touching her, and being intimate. She obviously rejects any of that. It’s so painful.”

- He (42, Denver, CO)

“Will I ever hear from him again? I was dating a married man and his wife found out. She flipped out on him and he broke up with me. 3 months later he was calling me and telling me he couldn’t live without me in his life. That last another 6 months until his mom got ill and passed away. He told me he promised his mother he would keep his family together. That was in May of 2010. I didn’t hear from him ever again but in June 2011, his wife called me and accused me of still sleeping with him. She told me he moved out and she was divorcing him and that I was still sleeping with her husband. Which i was not. Obviously my name must be still coming up in his home. I found out that he is going through a divorce and I sit here and wonder if he is going to call me back once all is over with. He had always told me if might take a year or two years but he would be back for me. I just wonder if i should hold onto that. I havn’t heard from him since May of 2010.”

- April (49)

“My wife separated and filed for divorce from me 51/2 months ago after a 20yr. marriage and 25+ yrs. together. Saying she no longer liked who she had become and wasn’t in love with me, but still cared about me. I was devastated. I knew she had been unhappy, and over the last few years expressed that saying there has to be something better, we are just going through the motions, etc. She has been the primary bread winner for half of our marriage, and her job required travel to her companies other offices around the country. I thought it was just about me making her unhapp, which I take ownership for my part and so I embarked on a profound life change to get her to want to try to save our marriage. But she was insistent that it was over and she didn’t want to work on our marriage and that she had already tried everything and that I should just move on. We have 2 teenagers, one going to college next year. Since the separation, I recently discovered she was having an affair with a male co worker, who is also married with children from the 1 of the out of state offices. I confronted her and she confirmed she had seen him a few times, but that nothing happened prior to the separation. The evidence I discovered through a couple emails says it was really close to the time of separation. I think she was emotionally connected to him prior to the separation, then the intimate took place very soon after. I still love her and would very much like to keep my family together, but it seems certain I have little chance to change her mind before the divorce is final by years end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

- Scott (48)

“My story is that i have had this arranged marriage, which i never liked, and i was forced into, my wife and her parents also lied everything. I choose to sacrifice, even if she was not good looking because she was a doctor, anyway that is all past. I still tried to be nice, and it has been 7 years in our marriage, we argue all the time, verbal arguments, may be we had sex three to four times in this seven years, and in that three to four times only, we also have a kid. She doesnt like me, i dont like her, i want to move on, but i was patient all these years, because my kid will be impacted because she wont have one parent. I am originally from India, day in and day out i cry to myself, how did i end up like this? Why did not i make a correct choice of choosing the right girl.
I am ashamed of my situation, and i sincerely wish no one in this world should face the situation i am in. I tell her to go, enough is enough, because she also doesnt like me and i hate her, she says she is going, but she doesnt. Now i am ready to divorce her, i cant take it anymoe. But my sister and brother from India and my friends tell that if i do that my daughter’s life will be spoiled, because people wont respect her, she cannot be brought up nicely because her parents are divorced.

Any ideas will surely help me. Thanks so much for your help.”

- KC (37, US)

Has Face book and MySpace Become the New Excuse for Couples to break up?
Social websites such as Face book and MySpace have reportedly been referenced as reasons of divorce and breakups within relationships.

•Are these sites really too blame?

•Is the accessibility of these sites too much temptation for people to handle?

•Or, are we allowing ourselves to blame our partners bad behavior on the sites rather than their level of self control?

A Simpler Time.

Does everyone remember when you first started dating? Remember in junior high or high school, when you would hear your mom yell at the bottom of the stairs that a boy was on the phone? You would get all excited and talk to the guy on the kitchen wall phone and twirl the phone cord around your finger, while having this goofy grin on your face.

Today, everyone is bombarded with constant gossip, chatter, and comments though social networking sites like face book and MySpace. While those sites are very helpful and beneficial especially for work, school and networking, they are sometimes used for the wrong purpose. At the end of the day though, were face book and MySpace meant to be the portal of relationship and dating interaction?

Jealousy from Facebook and MySpace.

People naturally become jealous and have jealous behaviors at times. Social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook give people the option to showcase a plethora of internet girlfriends or boyfriends that reads like an Italian menu at a local pizzeria. Not only do women feel like they are competing with their other female peers, but know they might consider Facebook and MySpace friends on their boyfriends page as a reason to feel alarm. Of course, some of these people featured on your guy’s page might be just friends of his, but still it just doesn’t feel right.

Does Facebook or Myspace cause couples to fight, or worse divorce?

Of course, the creation of Face book or MySpace is not to be seen as the culprit of relationship tension. Still, it would be interesting to know how many couples in your local area had a fight because of sites like Face book or MySpace in the last week. There is already so much temptation that both men and women have to face without these sites, so it wouldn’t be outlandish to consider that there have been some relationships ruined by using Facebook or Myspace. Some people can’t define a clear line of what is appropriate behavior on a social networking site; because sites like Face book and MySpace; are thought of as the norm in everyday life. How can participating in one of these sites be bad if everyone and there mom is?

If you can’t control your Facebook, how can you have an adult relationship?

If you can’t even control your behavior sitting in front of a non-living thing, how do you expect to act in an adult relationship? Everyone who feels they are still not capable of acting appropriate on social sites while in a committed relationship, simply aren’t mature enough yet to have one. If your dating someone who is showing you signs of out of control, “clicking, typing, passwords, friends pictures, statuses etc.” go find someone who uses Facebook and Myspace for work or school.

Like Ram Das says: You want to see how together you are, go spend some time with your family! This sentiment is particularly apt during the holidays, when emotions run high and painful memories are easily triggered. Especially if this holiday things are different than you would like them to be: i.e. you’re single (again), newly divorced, bringing someone home your family can’t stand, or maybe you simply dread the same old story your family dynamics dose on when you get together.

Here are a few tips that can help you face whatever may come with more confidence and grace than you’d imagined…

* Embrace “what is”~ This is the quick way to holiday enlightenment! The sooner you accept people and things the way they are and not the way you want them to be, the more likely you are to experience some real joy! While this is no easy pill to swallow when you are feeling lonely, rejected, or not up for going a few rounds with your family, this truth will set you free. Try it; it’s the perfect gift to give this season.

* Right-size your expectations~ If you aren’t quite ready to accept things the way they are, your next best bet is to curtail your expectations some. Try this (always works for me). Find someone less fortunate than yourself and do something wonderful for them. It’s a sure way to get an additional perspective. Sometimes we can get so righteous or stuck in our story we don’t leave any room for something different or magical to happen. The spirit of giving will soften your grinchy glare and open your heart up. ‘This is the season to cut some slack. Plenty of time for therapy and analyzing everything and everyone come the new year!

* Walk a mile in their shoes~ Refuse to participate in certain members of your family’s antics, or can’t possibly stomach your ex flaunting his “new and improved you” all over tinsel town when you’re still obscenely alone? Try a shot of compassion. While this is not easy, especially for novices (‘cause you have to actually care enough to take a moment and walk a mile in their shoes), in most cases it helps us take the edge off. Understanding that being human is complicated, and that we are all frightened and fragile whether we show it or not, helps ease the burden of needing everyone (including ourselves) to be perfect.

* Stage fright~ Are you the type that thinks of the right thing to say or do after the fact? Like, you think of what you should have said, but freeze up and blank out and end up a mess? Then you need to rehearse your lines! Doesn’t matter who you are, when we are upset we don’t think clearly. No matter what awaits you, try and do a dress rehearsal so you can be prepared for anything. Write it down and carry it with you so you don’t get blindsided. And practice all the way there, and maybe even the day before if you have to. “No, Uncle Bart, I am not drinking right now. Thank you.” or “That’s lovely; I wish you both every happiness!” or “Congratulations on your new part in the upcoming porn film, I am sure you’ll be a great success.”

* Let the train go down the track~ Need to make an appearance because it’s the right thing to do and aren’t interested in feeling, dealing or healing, or even saying the right thing right now (you know what they did, they know what they did, period)? I always say, when there’s a train coming down the track, get out of the way. Take a few deep breaths, count to ten, get something to eat, help in the kitchen, make call to someone who can help calm you down; and if that doesn’t work, excuse yourself, go straight to the bathroom, and re-group. Before you say or do something you will regret, remind yourself like a mantra, “Why should you always take the high road? Because that’s the kind of person you are.” Otherwise, leave town and send a Christmas card.

* Have a pity party~  Speaking of leaving town: you might be fed up, feel the urge to fall apart, say the wrong thing, make a scene, behave badly, act inappropriately for the first time in your life, storm off and leave, or just stay in bed and wait for January. I say, let yourself have it. Maybe what you need is a little pity party. Go for it. Pick a start time and an end time and go for it. Maybe letting yourself feel what you’ve been stuffing is in order. Maybe you need to attend to some of what’s bottled up before it causes more damage to you or anyone else. Heck, you could invite some friends and just have a big negative merge! Who knows, it may be just what the doctor ordered.

* Do overs~ If I feel like I can’t pull it together, or am unable to say something tactfully or gracefully, am intolerant, or simply full of crap and can’t get out of my own way, I ask for a “do over.” I attempt the right behavior, but if I can’t get it right, I will say something like “That didn’t come out right, I am so sorry, can we try that again?” Or “Maybe it’s better if we talk about this another time.” Then there’s always Plan B. I leave and try again next year… Give yourself permission to do what you have to do to take care of yourself!!

Bottom line: during the holidays, there is no more pain to be felt than at any other time of year. According to John James’ “Grief Recovery Handbook,” this is a fact. There are simply many visible associations with painful memories that keep us trapped in our habitual thinking. If we can remember that we are all connected, that most of us are doing the best we can, and that most of the pain and suffering we experience is a projection, we are less likely to take things personally and more prone to create connection rather than greater separation!

Avoid a mystical hangover this holiday season – watch Maryanne’s advice from author Roger Housden

The fact that you love your family and friends is a good thing. But, it’s NOT FAIR, when you, or them, uses your relationship with them to make you feel remorse because your relationship is in a tail spin. There is a big difference between dealing with karma because you did some heinous act versus coming to terms with a failed relationship. The reason is that it ended doesn’t matter. We can pick any old scape goat to beat you with.  It’s totally irrelevant.

Whether it was based on everything but the right thing, infidelity, you just grew apart, it ran its course, it collapsed due to broken promises or should have never began to start with.

If you’re ready to stop having your religious beliefs be used against you; ready to stop lying to yourself and everyone else, just keep reading. I promise things are going to get better. More than likely the major source of your stress stems from one or two sources. It’s either disappointment from failure or guilt. The only thing that’s going to help you get past the hurt, pain, and anger of failure is time.  Hint – No matter how much you want this to go away YOU CANNOT RUSH TIME.  You must come to terms with the fact you’re going to have to allow TIME to have it’s perfect work in your life.

Now, with that stated let’s focus your attention on something you can actually do something about – feelings of GUILT.  If we had to pick which has the most negative effect on the human spirit failure or guilt.  It’s guilt.  The reason being guilt is often associated with keeping up appearances.  Who in their right mind wants to fail in front of friends, family and those that compose their social / cultural community.  Since we’re being honest, I’m going to throw this in, most religious folk (not to be confused with spiritual or Godly people) are judgmental as hell. So, when you connect that to tension and additional guilt that family, friends and religious beliefs, add to your stress – those feelings are multiplied tenfold.  So don’t be so hard on yourself.  Your feelings are very normal.

by D Ivan Young, Relationship Expert

Every business partnership worth its salt has an operating agreement that dictates the partners’ rights and obligations and what happens if a partner leaves or the partnership is dissolved. It’s a good idea to plan for such contingencies when everyone is getting along. The same applies to your remarriage. The last thing you want is for you, your spouse, and/or your heirs to be stuck in a quagmire of legal wrangling where those who benefit most are the lawyers.  The time to hammer out thorny legal, financial, and estate issues is when you’re clear-headed and can think both generously and realistically.

A marriage operating agreement is called a prenuptial agreement if you enter into it before you get married, a postnuptial agreement if you enter into it after you get married. I’ll use the term “prenup” to apply to both. To some, “prenup” is the equivalent of a four-letter word and to have one is the equivalent of admitting that the marriage won’t last. Well, guess what?

• Your marriage won’t last. It will end, if not by divorce, then by death.
• You already have a prenuptial agreement—the divorce laws provided to you courtesy of the state in which you live.

You can accept the default one-size-fits-all prenup the government provides, or you can craft one that is appropriate to your circumstances. If you accept that your marriage will one day end and that you already have a prenuptial agreement, then it’s a heckuva lot easier to roll up your sleeves, make decisions, and modify the state’s prenup to fit your circumstances.

Prenups accomplish more than defining what happens if you get a divorce. They are also super-duper handy when you want to:

• Define property rights for purposes of estate planning so you can protect your children’s inheritance.
• Protect your assets from your partner’s creditors.
• Protect business partners and ensure the continuity of your business.
• Clarify how you meet financial obligations from a previous marriage such as child support and alimony.
• Compensate a spouse who is giving up a career to stay at home.
• And more.

Grown-ups take responsibility for handling their financial and legal matters and don’t leave such important decisions up to the government. To make intelligent decisions you need to know and fully understand the impact of relevant laws on you, your finances, and your children (if any). Every state has different laws on marriage and inheritance. Investing in the help of a competent professional is worth every penny. Only a competent professional can give you that help. Having said that . . .

By all means, do your research on the internet (but don’t assume it’s 100% accurate) as a way of identifying those things you need to think about and discuss. BUT, don’t do your own legal work. A generic fill-in-the-blank one-size-fits-all prenup can’t possibly fit your situation and you end up doing more harm than good. You wouldn’t fill your own tooth or set your own broken arm. Don’t do your own legal work.

A marriage is a partnership and all partnerships run best when everyone agrees upon and knows the rules.

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available on Amazon and Shela’s website, www.ShelaDean.com.

No one in their right mind sets out in life to fail at anything, especially if it results in a broken heart. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is—it hurts the same. Relationships end for different reasons. Often people grow apart. At times there’s infidelity, disloyalty, even mental or emotional abuse. Whatever the case, as with all things in life eventually even the best of situations are subject to what seems to be a heartless end. Be it karma, poor judgement, immaturity or just plain stupid moves, all bad relationships end because they weren’t established properly from the start.  Now is the time to prevent history from repeating itself.  There are a few things that you can do to guarantee success in future romantic endeavors and minimize the chance that you will repeat history.

• Take the time to examine what went wrong in your last relationship.  Get a pen and paper –  write down what both you and your ex complained about.  On one sheet make a list of your issues,  on another, make a list of the more significant things that your ex complained about frequently or  felt contributed to the break up.  Use a third sheet to  list of the strategies you used individually and collectively in an attempt to solve the problem.  What were the results?  NOTE: this is a fact finding mission not a trip down memory lane.  Take the time to do some critical thinking.  Resist the temptation to have a guilt trip or pity party.  This is about learning, not yearning.
• Use this season to explore your character.  Reflect on your views of gender versus sex roles in a relationship.  Examine who and what influenced your current attitudes?  Did those ideologies work for your peers, friends, role models and care givers? If so why or why not? What lessons have you learned from their examples (or mistakes)?  What are you going to incorporate in your life strategies; What should you discard?
• Examine what’s important to you in a mate.  What are the most significant values, character traits, ethics and morals that you possess?  Are there certain beliefs and attitudes that are non negotiable or that you demand be present, or absent in a future partner.  What habits are you willing to trade in order to find real love?  Are there things about you that you WILL NOT change for nothing and nobody?  List the behaviors that drive you up a wall.  Write these things down.  They will be a HUGE factor in preventing the mistakes of the past from creeping into your future.
• Remember that breaking up is an event, but healing is a process.  You are going to experience separation anxiety, depression, remorse, bitterness even anger.  There are going to be good and bad days.  However, the good news is using this time wisely will make you better and not bitter.  Use this season to discover you – the real you. Now is the time to prepare yourself for your future.
• Set dates to finish projects that you’ve put off
• Begin workout routines
• Do things to enhance your physical presentation ( you can obtain an new wardrobe from thrift and discount stores for a reasonable cost, beauty colleges and barber schools can provide you with a new look for cheap too)
• Attend to your emotional, mental and physical health.

Breaking up isn’t the end, it’s the beginning of the rest of your new life.  Life is about evolution. Sure, there is comfort in the familiar; however, there is reward in the unknown.  As you mature people, places and things are going to change. Consider this part of that migration.  One cannot embrace the future holding on to the past.  Not only is reinventing yourself a wonderful thing, it allows you the opportunity to be the person you were meant to be while shedding the individual you’ve become.

If  you’re searching for answers to question you don’t know to ask – continue utilizing the experts on Love Detour. You’re much stronger than you think!!!  If you need help getting through this challenging time in your life, calling friends and relatives isn’t helping, this situation is adversely affecting you and your children; More than likely you’re sick & tired of being sick and tired.   Stop hurting and fix the problem.  To purchase Break Up, Don’t Break Down by Relationship Expert, D. Ivan Young visit www.divanyoung.com – get the ammunition you need to end needless stress and anxiety. It’s up to you to position yourself to find real love.  Don’t you deserve it.  Your best years are yet to come. What was meant to curse you will bless you, but you must empower yourself!

by Relationship Expert, D Ivan Young

One source is referring to Elin and Tiger Woods the “married divorced couple” and with the pair’s decision to move back in together to help “rebuild his image” it seems that this nomenclature may actually make sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time apart after something as painful as infidelity, in fact it’s something I suggest and call a “brush with death:” an idea I explain in the book Make up Don’t Break up as an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome. A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. But – the brush with death is only potent if done for a long enough period of time – it’s possible they may need more time apart to appreciate their relationship

Elin and Tiger spent time apart, but did they spend enough time to successfully achieve the desired affects of a brush with death? Of course it’s impossible to know a couple’s true circumstances and motivation but my concern is that Tiger is motivated by a public perception that wants to see him picking up the pieces and he may not have taken the sufficient steps to make the relationship work with the one person that really matters in this equation: his wife.

The source quoted in People magazine says: “The marriage is all smoke and mirrors, but Elin will help Tiger rebuild his image and gain new sponsorships because this is what his life is all about … She is doing this more for the kids and holding the family together then anything else.”

People in situations similar to Elin’s typically need something to pour themselves into after such a catastrophe and it’s not uncommon to put even more effort into one’s family. But without properly working through the root causes of each issue, all the family focus or “brushes with death” in the world won’t be enough to put lives back together. Is there a way to know when you’re ready to move forward with a relationship after something so painful? There isn’t one easy answer to that question but I believe healing can begin to start between a couple when it’s started individually.

I encourage people in this situation to use “Smart Heart” skills and dialogue to cure the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection – this creates a safe place of communication where each partner can be honest about their  shortcomings and fears.  Divorces occur as people do not have the tools to cure this disease, it is treatable/curable and forgivable when treated properly.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World.  She is the author of the Best Selling book Make Up Don’t Break Up (second edition due out March 2010 with accompanying DVD “Falling in Love and Staying in Love for Singles and Couples”) as well as Adultery the Forgivable Sin.  Dr. Bonnie focuses on couples, singles and families (including children and her innovative theory- Family Play Therapy) For further information on Adultery/Addictions and how to how to cushion the pain a child feels – please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.

COMING UP: Discovery Health Channel “Unfaithful” featuring Dr. Bonnie and her patients on adultery/cybersex.  9pm EST, April 4th