The laws and regulations that govern our life are staggeringly complex. No one, not even an attorney, can know them all. But, like it or not, your marriage is subject to a myriad of rules and restrictions imposed upon it by the jurisdiction(s) in which you live, beginning with whether you “qualify” to be legally married and culminating with what happens to your property when you die. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, for the most part, you’re able to write your own rules to fit your unique situation IF you do it right.

Every business partnership worth its salt has an operating agreement that dictates the partners’ rights and obligations and what happens if a partner leaves or the partnership is dissolved. It’s a good idea to plan for such contingencies when everyone is getting along. The same applies to your remarriage. The last thing you want is for you, your spouse, and/or your heirs to be stuck in a quagmire of legal wrangling where those who benefit most are the lawyers.  The time to hammer out thorny legal, financial, and estate issues is when you’re clear-headed and can think both generously and realistically.

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Ending a relationship is never easy.  Chances are, that relationship you’re ending has been knocking at death’s door for quite some time now.  Maybe it should’ve never begun to start with. The handwriting has been on the wall, but you didn’t have the courage to say that it’s over.  It’s not easy, and getting over the frustration, heartbreak, anger, remorse, and depression isn’t easy either.   Nonetheless, you’re going to make it through this.  Lesson one, realize that separation may be an event, but getting over it is a process! Bad advice from your peers, relatives, and so-called friends is more than likely all, or at least part, of the reason you haven’t had the courage to let go and get on with your life. Your family and friends may have no clue of the stress, and extreme pain you suffer on a daily basis, or they may not know any different themselves. Besides, misery loves company.  Many people prolong dissolution because they just don’t want to deal with confrontation. That is the equivalent of being too tired to take a bath because the longer you wait the more life stinks. If you’re reading this, that’s proof it’s time to break away from the pack. You will have to do this on your own and you can!

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By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

One source is referring to Elin and Tiger Woods the “married divorced couple” and with the pair’s decision to move back in together to help “rebuild his image” it seems that this nomenclature may actually make sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time apart after something as painful as infidelity, in fact it’s something I suggest and call a “brush with death:” an idea I explain in the book Make up Don’t Break up as an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome. A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. But – the brush with death is only potent if done for a long enough period of time – it’s possible they may need more time apart to appreciate their relationship

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Rob Asked:

“I need some advice, my wife and I are going through some turmoil. She has told me she would like a divorce, we agreed to take the next year or so to pay off bills to make it easier finacially on both of us. She also has told me that she wants to take day at a time and see what happens. She says right now she has no feelings for me in the way a wife should, but she doesn’t know if in the future they will come back. Right now she is following her heart and her heart is leading her away from me. I have asked if she was interested or seeing someone else and she has said no, that she just wants to be alone for a while. We have two children and I am in our house and still sleep in the same bed with her. There is no physical connection ie, no hand holding, no hugging, no kissing ect. No I love you’s or any of the sort. We still do things together with the kids and with each other, we don’t go out together too much, but we did have a great new years together and she hugged me. I asked her if she would go on a date with me and she said now is not the right time. So my question is what do I do? Do I give her space and how do I do that? I love her very much, and I want this to work out and hopefully reconnect stronger, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I start asking the same questions and bothering her. Any and help would be great. Thanks.”

- Rob (33, Virginia Beach, VA)

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There is a dirty little secret in the marriage counseling industry. 75% of all couples who go to marriage counseling end up being divorced. There is a quiet revolution taking place in this country where some forward thinking counselors are abandoning the traditional counseling methods and adopting a “coaching” style. A couple of well known counselors have made the transition like Michelle Weiner Davis, author of: DIVORCE BUSTING and Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.

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Okay, you finally gathered up enough courage to ask out that beautiful woman you met at the coffee shop.  She accepted!  So, now what? The last time you actually dated was in 1993, and things are a little different now.

Truthfully, jumping back into the dating pool after divorce can seem very intimidating at first. Especially if you were off the market for a considerable amount of time.

Considerations such as what to where, appropriate places to meet, and what activities to plan can seem mind-boggling.

The good news is that millions of divorced people learn to successfully date again- and so can you!  All that is required is desire, self-confidence, and a little creativity.

The following tips will help prepare you mentally and emotionally for re-entering the dating scene.

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Very few events in life are as emotionally devastating as being rejected by a boyfriend/girlfriend.

In order to deal with the pain, many of us turn to overeating.

Abusing alcohol and other substances, unfortunately, is the choice for many others.

However, there are other more positive, healthy, and ultimately empowering alternatives.

Presented next are two tips for coping with a break up that will not increase our waistline, and keep our dignity intact.

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CNN recently reported that divorce has a permanently bad affect on your mental and physical health. There may be times when NOT getting a divorce is bad for your health. Sometimes we just blow it. Maybe we were too young to get married, or we looked for love in the wrong place, or we didn’t know when to say, “No!” We come to our senses and a divorce is the answer.

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Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot – this is what I told RadarOnline.com, when asked for a comment about Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s marriage.

And it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? Show up your sister on TV because you are profoundly insecure or desperate for ratings? What’s the rush? It’s not like love has a shelf life. Unless one is deeply religious, which is not evident in this case (correct me if I am wrong; I don’t think so), there are so few reasons to rush into nuptials before we have taken time to do a minimum of due diligence.

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Lisa Says:

Tim,

I have a question and a couple of comments:

1. Do you address these issues from the standpoint that there may only be one partner in the marriage working toward solutions? Sometimes only one will see the pathway out of the conflicts, while the other refuses to discuss or work on any of them.

2. I love the fact that you mention the futility of ‘behavioral modification.’ People CAN change their behavior, but if the belief system and thought patterns of that person do not change, the modifications will break down quickly, or become a means of manipulation.

3. I’d like to see more regarding hidden and unresolved issues – it is something I will look for in your book when I begin reading it. These can be very debilitating in a relationship – it’s much better to discuss the ‘elephant in the room,’ and then things can be worked on.

Thank you for the invitation to the interview – looking forward to reading your book.

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