“I have been in a relationship since 2 years. Now my girlfriend said that she wants me to hang out with friends (without her) only twice a month. not more. because we have to hang out only together. Furthermore, the friend that I can see when I am alone can be only male, and not female. Is it normal or should I break up?”

- John (31, Chicago)

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. The first few months we dated he was cheating on me but I forgave him and since then hes been great but I’ve gone crazy. I’m extremely controlling and am afraid I’ve become obsessed with him. I have to check his phone, email, and Facebook daily. I constantly have to be around him and even though we live together just an hour apart gives me terrible anxiety and i miss him like crazy. He cant go out and do things without me because I always have to be with him and when i get the chance to have fun on my own I dont because all i think about is him. I even quit my job because all i could focus on was him. Its caused us to fight constantly and he said hes leaving me unless I change. Please help me..”

- Heather (20)

“Last year my best friend moved to Nashville from Michigan. She ended up meeting a man a few months ago and recently announced she’s engaged. We were very happy and excited for her up until this week.

Allow me to backtrack slightly. I’m in my 40′s as is my friend. Though she is a lady, I’m a guy. We’ve been best friends for years to the point where she’s closer than my own sister. She was best person at my wedding and her kids (boy and girl both teens) were ushers. She and my wife are extremely close friends. We’ve watched her kids grow up (their dad is not in the picture), have babysat the kids on a multitude of occasions when my friend had to go out of town on business.

I’d planned on flying down to Nashville not only to meet the fiance, but to also take the kids to the last Harry Potter film. It’s been a tradition, since their mom doesn’t like the movies and I do, that I’ve taken them for the last five movies. My friend insisted that I stay at her house while in town.

My wife, is working on her masters and cant’ make the trip due to that time being midterms.

So I booked the flight and thought all was well. I was truly looking forward to the trip. Until this past weekend, when I received a frantic call from my friend. She’s in tears and more upset than I’ve ever heard her. (And we went through her brutal divorce YEARS ago)

She was calling to explain that when she went to tell her fiance I was coming down to meet him, he in her word “freaked out”. Though he didn’t get physical he came darn close. He completely lost his temper then just left. They don’t live together, she owns her own house, he his.

A couple of days later, yes he disappeared for two days, he came back and got in her face. He told her, “an engaged woman has no business visiting with a man who isn’t her kin.” He then explained that there was no way he would allow, a) me to stay in her house or b) her to see me even if I stayed in a hotel. So I’m clear, it’s not as though she’s never mentioned me. I was the first person to get a call when she was proposed to. My wife and I were the first to send a huge wine basket, to the both of them for congratulations.

Her fiance was born and raised in the South. Nashville area to be precise. He’s also Southern Baptist. He’s in his 40′s and has two kids of his own. Up until this week everything I’d heard about him from my friend as well as the kids, was he is a great guy. A true southern gentleman.

Does this add up? I’ve lived in the South growing up. It’s been a few decades, but I lived in TN, LA, AR and TX. I’m a Southern Baptist myself. But this reaction completely stumps me. “Kin” to me is family you pick. Those kids are like a niece and nephew to me and truly, my friend is a sister. Should I be at all concerned about this?

My friend really doesn’t know how to handle it. He apparently told her that was the way it is in the South and she needs to learn. I frankly think that sounds like a power play from a control freak.

Bottom line, is that I told her I didn’t want to be the root of any issues, so I canceled the trip.

So my question for you is this. Did I trample all over some Southern etiquette on this or is he using that as an “excuse” for something else?

Best,”

- C.J (44, Ann Arbor, MI)

“My wife told me she wants out. That she doesn’t love me anymore. We have been married for 18 yrs and I don’t want to lose her. We have been getting more distant and have not made love in over 6 months. I also have control issues which I’m getting help for as well. For a long time I haven’t felt loved wanted or needed. but I love her more then anything and want her not to shut me out. She also said shes done and doesn’t want to work on our marriage at all. I don’t know where to start on how to get her to change her mind if I can at all.”

- Scott (51, Hernando, FL)

“How can i get back with my ex girlfriend?

i have been with my ex for 8 years now we practically grew up together we had our bad and good times but in late 08 her family decided to back to the U.K she stayed and the first visit to U.K was fine she went for like a week but in dec of 08 things started to change we had alot of arguments and issues regarding trust like i love her and do trust her but i get very worried when i called and she would not answer me properly or something anyways after that she was supposed to come back before new years but the day she was going to fly she decided not to come and break up with me because she needed time to think we sorted it out eventually and end of january she did come back and the plan was she would come stay for like 3 months and then go back to the U.K and i would follow in the summer she stayed we sorted everything and got engaged it was an amazing week and after the engagement she left after the engagement by one day the first two weeks that she was there all was good she was happy but after that it started with her being moody and whenever i called while she was out with friends she would get angry that i asked questions like where you going, what time would u be home and stuff like that etc. i know i did pressure her and that was wrong but suddenly she decided we can’t work out and that she was sorry but its better like this and that she wants different life so forth i tried to email she emailed once but now nothing and i hear that she is having an awesome time going to london cambridge , and she didnt know what she was thinking when she got engaged i am sooo hurt its been 2weeks now and i dont know what to do my i cant contact her because she has a different number now my only way is email but i dont want to email her all the time please tell me what u think and if you want me to explain more i will
Thank you”

- Hamed (Bahrain)

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Hamed,

Women fall out of love, man. It’s as simple as that. When you’ve been with someone for 8 years, it can go one of two ways:

1: If the GUY is messing up, being a HORRIBLE boyfriend (lying, cheating, etc.) she’ll constantly go back because it’s all she knows. He can do her wrong 80 times, and his apologies and false promises of “changing” will always work.

2: If the guy DOESN’T mess up, but is just being too clingy/lovy dovy, the girl begins to feel smothered, bored, and “over it” after a while. (Especially a young chick) She wants some freedom. She wants to hang out with friends, go out with guys, etc. WITHOUT having someone to answer to.

Now, NORMALLY, if she’s the girl in the SECOND scenario, she’ll likely END UP with a guy from the FIRST scenario lol. So…

As for YOUR next move, do nothing. Maybe email her one last time if you need to get it off your chest (which is what I tell most guys in your position, because they’ll drive themselves CRAZY over it if they don’t)

Now, AFTER that, LEAVE IT ALONE!!! Even though it HURTS a lot, you MUST ACCEPT the fact that this relationship is over. Move on with your life, start dating again, etc. Then, in a few months or so, whenever you have a new (prettier) girfriend, that’s when you can casually contact your ex and say hello. Maybe if she has a myspace or something, write her and say “Hey Sarah (or whatever her name is) Haven’t talked to you in a while. Just wanted to see how things were going. Ok, see ya!” and LEAVE IT AT THAT!!!! (By the way, if she DOES have a myspace or facebook or WHATEVER, make sure you have a PICTURE of you, AND YOUR NEW GIRL up as your main) That way, she can see that not ONLY are you no longer BEGGING her to get BACK with you, but YOU have a new girl of your OWN now. And, at THAT point, if your ex’s life is going NOWHERE, she’ll feel like SHIT for you having a new girl.

Now, this is all still several months AWAY. As you cannot DO this in a WEEK and expect it to work. AND you can’t FLAUNT the other girl in her face EITHER. Because THEN it’ll look FAKE and SET UP. You just have to do it CASUALLY, like it’s no big deal.

For now, all I can say is that you should try to move on. I CAN’T say it will be EASY, but I CAN say that it’s NECESSARY. And, as time goes on (maybe a LOT of time) you will start to miss her less & less. You won’t think about her as much anymore, NOR will you feel as much PAIN when you do. It’ll just be in PASSING. But you need to get to that point first. And right now, you have ways to go. So get started, man. We’ve all been there. You just need to take baby steps and move on slowly. Eventually, you will.

Good luck.

- Jason Love

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Dear Hamed,

You are obviously very hurt and in distress. I wish I could give you reasons for hope, but I am not at all optimistic about this relationship. I think the problem lies in your possessiveness, or what appeared to your girlfriend as your possessiveness. You admitted yourself that you would call her and ask questions which seemed like a cross-examination. Is it any wonder, then, that she finally had her fill and decided to terminate your relationship? You say that she would have mood swings. Her moodiness was probably the result of her uncertainty regarding her future with you. On the one hand, she may have sincerely loved you; on the other, she may have thought that submitting to your cross-examinations regularly was too high a price to pay. You tell us that she has changed her phone number and barely responds to your e-mails. I think you should read the handwriting on the wall. She doesn’t want to have anything more to do with you. You would be wasting your energy if you hoped for a change in her sentiments towards you. You acknowledged yourself that she is having an “awesome” time in London and Cambridge. So, obviously, she can live very happily without you. I would suggest, then, that you try living very happily without her.

All the best
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough

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Dear Hamed,

First of all, stop and take a deep breath. You seem to be running in overdrive!  I am sorry to disappoint you but I must tell you your relationship with this woman is over.  I am sure she played a role in the ups and downs of this relationship; however, you seem to be exhibiting some major control issues.  For example, if she is out with her friends having a good time why do you need to always call her and ask her questions about where she is and who she is with?   Most women will find these questions controlling and intrusive which, in fact, they are.  In addition, this type of questioning behavior is often found in very insecure people.

For your own emotional growth and development, please take a look at your controlling behavior.  Try to get at the core of your insecurities and improve your self-esteem.  This will allow your future relationships to be free of the controlling behavior which contributed to the demise of this current one.

There is no need to send this woman any more emails or make any other contact with her. The relationship is over.

- Dr. Patty Ann

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Dear Hamed

You are causing yourself a world of heartache over this girl! She has told you in no uncertain terms that it is over! I understand that you still have it in your head, all the good times and love that the 2 of you shared! But you have to let it go for your own sanity! It’s funny the way we rerun scenes in our head almost like watching a movie…seeing every image, every action, every nuance of the perfect moments…you can analyze things to death! In the end it’s still over and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome! You showed some signs of being possessive, like calling and asking where she was? Who with? When she would be home?

As much as we would love to have all the answers as to why things happened or why people do the things they do? Sometimes it just is what it is…it is now in your past Hamed…let go…if not you will be in your own version of hell torturing yourself over and over again about what could have been? Instead of what is? Please get on with your life…and know that one door does not close without another opening….Today is a new day to live, to love, to dream…it is your choice how your day begins…every new day brings new possibilities but not if you stay tied to the past!

Let go of the heartache and move forward!

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

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Dear Hamed,

How dare you claim to “love” her only to turn around and accuse her of “not answering you properly”? She is not a child nor is she your property. The sooner you feel ashamed at how badly you treated this poor young woman and get it through your head that you cannot, will not and should not get back together with her, the happier you will both be.

- Anthony Hernandez

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Dear Hamed,

It’s only natural that your heart is broken. You had something you liked there, and now it is gone. I believe that she is sending the clear message there that she needs her space and does not want to be involved with you, however that is no comfort to you. I would say take comfort in yourself and take care of yourself. What are some things that you can do to do that? Caring for yourself means that you accept other people’s wishes, and learn how to nurture and optimize the options for yourself. Sometimes it is difficult to move on, there is no doubt about that, but I believe that is what is necessary to happen here. Do you have a group of friends that you can spend time with? Do you have activities that you like doing? What are your abilities? What is special about you? How do you enjoy yourself ?

- Jennifer Hope

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Dear Hamed,

I understand how heartbreaking it is to find yourself on the receiving end of a breakup.  Even under the best of circumstances, long distant relationships are difficult to maintain and requires the dedication of both people in the relationship.  It appears that she simply was not ready at this point in her life for a committed relationship or for marriage.  Once she moved, she decided that she wanted more life experiences before making that important step.  I know it does not seem like a blessing in disguise right now since the heartbreak is so new, but I assure you that you will look back and be very thankful that she was upfront about wanting a new life.  Many people go ahead and get married and then act on their desires to act like they are single – and that is of course very damaging to a committed relationship.  There definitely is a girl out there for you in which you will find mutual love.  I encourage you in the meantime to learn as much as you can from this experience so you are well prepared for the right relationship.  As you mentioned, you had trust concerns with this young woman, and that is an area that I believe would be beneficial to explore.  For example, I suggest you ask yourself why you would worry about what she is doing if you say you trust her?  It is important to look beyond the surface and see what the triggers were in your relationship that started this fearful reaction.  When you get to the core of why you believe the people you love eventually will betray you, then you will be free of this fear and open and truly emotionally ready for love to come into your life.

- Nancy Pina

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Hamed,

Six words: Leave her alone and move on.  You are starting to sound like a stalker.  You only get back with someone that wants to get back with you, and by your comments it sounds like she doesn’t want to be with you.  Save yourself some trouble and get on with your life.  Cry about it if you need too but go ahead move brother.  You will be glad that you did.  I hope this helps.  Keep me posted. God bless.

Cinique’