Fighting – or conflict if we want to get a little fancy with our words here – is a normal – even healthy part of any intimate relationship. You know this is true. Unless you are a “Stepford Wife” or “Stepford Girlfriend”; do you remember this movie? The one where the wives were killed and replaced with robots who were programmed to look and act like the perfect wife? Ugh, gross – I am cringing. Anyway, since you are not a Stepford Wife (thank goodness) – you and your partner are not going to feel and think the same way about every issue and/or situation that comes along. In other words, you and your partner – both having a mind of your own, are bound to disagree and hence, fight at times.

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I would be willing to bet you that even Cupid has had a couple of fights with his/her partner – leaving a few arrows piercing his heart. So if the quintessential lover, Cupid, can’t avoid a fight or two, is it any wonder all couples fight? The secret for a happy, romantic relationship is not the ability to avoid fighting (an impossible task for mere mortals like ourselves) but how we fight. Yes, there is indeed a right way to fight. Read on and discover Dr. Patty Ann’s 7 simple and effective ways to fight and resolve conflict between you and your partner.

1. As the emotional heat gets turned up, and you know you are only heading down the path of an all-out blow-out between yourself and your partner, give your self a time-out. Before you enter the emotional point of no return, where all your reasoning and common sense flies out the window, take a deep breath and you and your partner should both agree to walk away from the argument until you both cool off and calmer emotions prevail.

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Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not.  I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship.  The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction.  That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.

I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction.  The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things.  The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children.  She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce.  She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store:  THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life.  Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies.  Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well.  Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting.  Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay.  They lived in an idyllic setting on an island.  They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water.  Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.

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