Dan asked:

When I’m out with my friends, and I notice someone I want to talk to who is surrounded by her friends, I get kind of nervous and don’t know what to say. I tend to shy away from women who seem a little more closed off, even if they are the ones I really want to talk to. Do women unintentionally shy away from talking to someone new, even if they are open to connecting with someone? Do your readers have any advice for me, or do they feel the same way?

Hi Dan,

Happy to help! Starting an intimate relationship involves several factors; setting an intention, attraction, availability, and then making contact. I think if we address the first few the last one will be far easier to navigate.

Attraction & setting intention: Sounds like you want to connect, and while you’re attracted to the more closed-off types you end up talking with the women who are open and warm. So the real question is: How do I connect with women who don’t seem open and approachable?

While it’s true that women in general feel safer engaging with someone familiar, some are just more open, outgoing, and engaging than others. Now that we know some women are more open than others, let me ask you this; why would you want to connect with a closed-off person versus an open and warm one? And what attracts you to the closed-off types? Get clear on what type of person you are attracted to and want to be with then set your intention: Imagine it, see it and then let go.

Availability: Another critical factor in starting a relationship involves a person’s availability. There are a few keys to keep in mind:

1. Most women who are available and want to be approached will let you know it. There are a few basic cues to watch for: prolonged eye contact or not being able to maintain eye contact but looking back again and again to see if you are looking at them, moving in to your two-foot proximity, brushing near or against you gently, touching you, licking their lips, playing with their hair, and laughing are a few.
2. On the other hand those who are either not interested or are already involved with someone keep their sexual energy to themselves. That is to say even if someone finds you attractive they will not hold your gaze for an inappropriate period or in general give you any vibe other than a clean, sisterly kind of vibe. Another category is worth mentioning here, the type of person that finds you attractive but is truly very shy.

Making contact: Statistically, most successful relationships begin as a result of a referral, a friend or family member, or by way of an institution such as the workplace, school, gym or club. Meeting people randomly you have no pre-existing connection with is tougher. That said, here are a few ice-breakers for you to try out to help you gain more confidence:

1) The authentic and sincere approach. “Hi, my name is Dan and I wanted to introduce myself,” or “How are you today?” Or “What brings you out?”

2) The weather report. This is a tried-and-true socially acceptable ice-breaker guaranteed to at least see if there’s any glimmer of interest; “Nice day, right?” or “I am so glad it’s not raining again today!” “I can’t wait to get out on my bike/board/boat…”

3) The offering. Sometimes we find ourselves in the position to make contact by offering our service or something to someone that’s generous but not inappropriate; “Can I get the door for you, an umbrella, carry your groceries in the rain, hold the elevator door, get you a drink at a party?” All lovely gestures expressing your generosity and hospitality, with no strings attached, of course!

It is our nature to want to be connected and intimate. We are relational creatures, thus social animals. That’s said, I recommend you keep your slick and syrupy lines on the shelf unless they are just really who you are. Sarcasm and disrespectful or lewd comments are offensive and, honestly, not the best way to start a relationship of any kind!

Hope this was helpful; keep us posted! Anyone else who wants to reply to Dan’s request can email us at info@ maryannelive.com.

This is a perennial question that bugs both boys and men for centuries.  Women obviously don’t think like men so men try and figure them out. I am here to help you out.

1. The very first thing that women like is strong self confident men.  Even if you are not strong or self confident, you must act like it and fake it til you make it.  I am not saying lie, but you need to act more self confident.  Pretty soon you are feeling more self confident.  One of the things that will help your self confidence is taking karate.  It engenders more self confidence plus strength, plus being able to protect the woman that you care about.  This self confidence projects itself to potential bullies.  When you show no fear because you know that you can take him out, guys read that in your eyes and will back down.

2. Women like gentlemen with manners, opening the door for the woman, giving her your jacket when she is cold, going to get the car when it is raining and picking her up at the door.

Learning to talk with confidence to a woman. The best way to do that is to take control of the conversation by constantly asking her questions like:

3. Where do you hope to be in five years, what do you like to do for fun, what are your career goals.  Just keep asking questions which will make you appear very calm and self confident. The woman has to do most of the talking taking the pressure off of you.  By asking her questions, you show her that you are interested in her.

4. Take the lead and plan fun dates.  These dates should involve walking and talking.  Sitting in a movie theatre does little for conversation. Take her to outdoor art shows, air shows, county or state faie, car shows, flea markets, farmers markets, bowling, shopping at the mall.  The main thing that it should make for easy conversation.  For a home run, enroll both of you in a single cooking class together.  The other thing is to learn to cook some great dishes and cook for her.  Nothing makes a woman feel pampered than when a guy cooks for her.

5. Give her a sincere compliment not related to her figure.  Tell her that she has beautiful eyes or pretty hair.  Compliment her scent or perfume. Compliment what she is wearing and tell her that you really admire her sense of style.

Once she is ready to take it to the next level, you need to be prepared to be good in bed.  Study articles on foreplay techniques.  Take your time and don’t rush it.  You can see some articles that I have written online by googling my email address  marriagecoach1@yahoo.com on the subject of sex and how to be a hero in the bedroom.  Go out there and use this stuff.  You can contact me for a half hour free consultation.

One of my students recently started dating again. Her self-care practice is stronger than ever. She knows who she is, what she wants and has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance. But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.”  And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. And forgets all that, as though she’s got temporary amnesia.

My student was confronted with just such a perfect example recently when she told me about two men she was attracted to and interested in:
One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly (although at the time she believed their meeting was serendipitous.) The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions.  The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for a relationship, nor did he call when he said he would.

She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.

Sometimes we just got to give up the flames for the slow burn!!!

I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is.  Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. Or that you don’t always, every second of the day, love or like who you are, so therefore it would be unrealistic to think that you would feel in love with yourself in this person’s presence every moment you are with them. Also true.

However—and this is a big however—Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? You don’t have to find a mate that rings your bells. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.

Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!

Educate yourself. Even if you have no interest in formal education (although taking a class is a great way to meet new and interesting people) learn something new about the world around you. With access to the internet, the possibilities are unlimited. Only you create roadblocks for yourself not to know more or have more skills. A lot of people get in their own way for fear of failure. Pick up a book about something that interests you or jump on the internet and start surfing. Improve your vocabulary; learn a new word twice a week. Go outside of your comfort zone. Educating yourself can only open more doors to a whole new world that you may have never thought possible. It doesn’t matter what your background is or how old you are, you can learn to do anything you want.

Get in shape. There is no greater way to boost your confidence then to get in physical shape. If you look in the mirror and are not happy with what reflects back, do something about it. Start with small steps. Eat one less bag of chips or one less cookie. Take the stairs, walk around the block, do some sit-ups or push-ups. You don’t need to join a gym to improve your physical appearance. Modifying your eating habits by eating more fruits and vegetables and less meat, will not only make you feel better but you will look and smell better. Although you digest meat and seafood like any other food, within 4 hours of consumption, the remnants cling to the walls of the stomach and intestines for 3-4 days or longer. So if you eat animal flesh everyday, you constantly have this sitting in your intestinal tract. I eat meat so don’t go crazy on me about it; I am merely stating the facts. Nor am I saying you need to loose 50 pounds or look like a super model. You need to be happy with how you look and carry yourself and feel healthy and happy everyday. If you don’t like how you look or you feel lethargic, you may likely have low-self esteem and that is what you will project to the world.

Go after a dream. What is it that you long to do? Do you want to make more money or ride a horse on the white beaches of Greece? Whatever it is, start doing something towards that dream. Take one small step as often as possible to make it happen for yourself. Do you want a better job? Find out what qualifications you need to get it and put a plan of action into motion. Never accept defeat. If you want to take your vacation dream, put ten or twenty dollars a week in a sock. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to reach your dream because time passes anyway. So better three years passes and you have something solid to show for it.

Get some money in the bank. Are you living paycheck to paycheck? Sometimes that’s just the way it is; I have been there plenty of times. But there have been times when I have wanted the security of knowing I have a month or so of money in the bank in the event something unforeseen happens. Having the security of knowing I can pay my monthly bills for two months is a great boost to my self confident and ego, even. Having this cushion will definitely boost your confidence. How do you get that extra money? I took on a second weekend job for several months to make it happen and had a huge yard sale of items just cluttering up my closet! Be creative and get that cash in the bank.

Get rid of baggage. Everyone has it. Some have more than others. During the early years of being a child, everyone is exposed to things that will affect how will respond to things as an adult. As discussed in Dr. Beverly DeAngelis’s book, humans are fifty percent emotionally programmed by the time we are five, and eighty percent by the time we are 18; leaving very little emotional programming to be done as an adult. This means that the things we see or hear affects us long after the event. So if you saw your dad beat up your mom, you will likely react to certain things differently if you had not. These events will also dictate the type of intimate relationships you have. Bring emotions to the surface and work through it; whether through reading books or online articles, do some self-reflecting. If you have health insurance that will cover therapy, try it. As long as you continue to move forward in a positive direction, you will allow yourself to open more and more doors for greater opportunity.

Final thoughts. Start working on being a better you and building your self- confidence. It doesn’t matter how small of a step you take, because remember, time passes anyway and one day you will wake up and ten years have gone by faster than you could have imagined. But remember, do it for you, not someone else.

Cheers,

Robbie Lee, author of The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide to Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women

Be sure and get on my mailing list for upcoming events at Robbie411.com

Before you can even begin to have the right set of tools to drive the ladies crazy, you need to have the right tools within yourself. I know you might be thinking this is sappy or corny, but it is more important than you know. In order for you to attract more women, and be successful with them, you need to have a healthy and confident self. Without knowing, growing, and learning about yourself, you will never be successful with women.

Most people are constantly having an internal dialogue with themselves. All day long we are having different conversations in our head. We think about what we want to eat, when should I workout, I hate work, she looks hot, or I can’t wait until the weekend. All day long day after day we are talking to ourselves. Our brain is a pretty hard working engine. It’s amazing it doesn’t burn out faster.

The other reality is that most people are average. Most people just go through the motions of daily life, just waiting for the day to be over. They hate their jobs, they hate their situation, and they dislike themselves. You might not want to hear this, but it is the truth. Most people are fairly unsatisfied and think negatively in their minds. Not everyone, but most.

The ones that don’t, the ones that strive to be different, better, revolutionary, or take control of their lives, are the ones that become great. People like this become leaders, role models, revolutionaries, or even savants with women. They think positively about life and themselves. They visualize greatness and then chase after it, never slowing down until they reach what they want. These are people like Martin Luther King Jr., Michael Jordan, Henry Ford, Albert Einstein, or John Lennon to name a few.

We are and become what our daily thoughts are. Some of you might already know all about this stuff if you have read THE SECRET by Rhonda Byrne or LAW OF ATTRACTION by Michael J. Losier. If you haven’t, you should pick up a copy today and start reading!

Have you ever heard the statement that if you tell a lie enough times you will begin to believe it? It’s true though, right? If you lie and lie the same lie over and over again, you begin to believe your own BS. You have said it so many times to so many people that it has become your reality.

Have you ever just known and felt something deep down that you know will come true? Have you ever gone into a situation and just known you were going to come out successful? There is no explaining it. You just know. You knew days in advance that you would come out successful. This is the same type of thing. Your feelings and thoughts play off each other and create realities.

This phenomenon is true with anything and everything. If you tell yourself over and over again that you are a loser and will never amount to anything, then guess what? You will be a loser that never amounts to anything. If you tell yourself that you are worthy and awesome and women would be crazy not to be with you, and you act the part, and think about yourself in a constant positive light, then you will have women drawn to you. It cannot work any other way.

When I became interested in learning more about women and relationships, I was a fairly negative thinker. Not all day, but it was a consistent theme. I did not think I was capable of having success with women. So guess what? I was not successful with women. My thoughts were I was no good, and my actions would follow my thought process, and the outcome was inevitable.

If this is all new to you, it might sound weird, or sound like a bunch of new age philosophy but I am telling you it works. Again, I would highly advise you to read one of the books mentioned a few paragraphs back.

I started doing some research on laws of attraction and the power of positive thinking once I finally realized that what I was doing was not working. At first, I was hesitant to read these types of books, and felt a little girly doing it. You might feel this way too. As I began to read and learn more and more about this way of thinking, I became fascinated by what it preached. It made so much sense to me!

So I started to try and shift my way of thinking. I started telling myself that I was going to start meeting women. Women were going to love being with me because of all my positive characteristics. I would remind myself daily what these positive characteristics were. I would recite them in my head. I would say them to myself when I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning. I would put notes on my mirror and in my car to remind me of who I was and what I wanted to become and achieve in my life.

Before long, I started feeling more confident. I started meeting more women, and they were responding to me like never before. This all had to do with my new way of thinking. Our thoughts and mind are so very powerful. They can do things that seem impossible. You can create any reality that you desire, because your reality is what you think and how you take those thoughts and put them into action.

Another important part of all this is visualization. Visualization has become such an important part of my daily routine and long term life plan. The best part of visualization, to me, is that it’s fun to do. Who doesn’t like daydreaming about positive things? I day dream about the money I want, the vacations I am on, the women I want to be with. It is so much fun! I visualize myself already in that moment. I use all my senses in the visualization. I can see, smell, feel, taste, and hear my visualization. This is a very powerful technique and concept.

If you practice the art of positive thinking and visualization on a daily basis, you will begin to see results. If you begin thinking about the type of woman you want and start dreaming about what you will do together, and how great the two of you are together, and you actually start believing you are already with her, you will end up with this woman at some point. You will end up with her sooner than later too. I know it sounds crazy, but I have done this, and I know other men who have done this as well.