Jacqueline Asked:
“I was with my ex for three years with plenty of rough patches but we always worked things out until about five months ago. Our relationship had become strained and it seemed to me at the time that my ex wasn’t giving his all. Soon I split with my ex and right after began dating another though it wasn’t right i needed a crutch to help me let go of my ex that i still deeply loved. When we separated he was hurt and stayed away but after about a month he began calling me. Soon after I found out I was pregnant, he moved out of state and we stopped talking because we assumed it wasn’t his since we tried for two years to have a child without results. After a month of trying to have a relationship with the other man and failing miserably because of my broken heart I moved on. Suddenly my ex contacted me again, we both discussed many issues and stated we both still cared but as he put it “we can’t change what happened,” and have kept in contact over three weeks at least twice a week calling each other. This last call we discussed him maybe coming to visit and I requested him to go to a Dr. visit with me to see my ultrasound. At first he was fine with it –if he could afford to come down and stay, I told him I missed him and he reciprocated the feelings back. Then he went back to my request and asked me why I wanted him to be involved with a child that wasn’t his, I understood his feelings and possible resentment but I explained to him that it seemed impossible even to me but that he could actually be the father. I didn’t cheat, the dates were a little over two weeks apart between the two men and my due date set my conception back to when we were together, but that for the sake of not getting anyone’s feelings hurt I want assuming either of them to be the father. Though it made me sound like a tramp I preferred the truth be out in the open and wanted him to honestly at least see the ultrasound and remain on good terms if he was the father. It turned into a lot of hurtful things being said, that I was a liar, and me crying. After I couldn’t take anymore I hung up and he has not called back. My questions are with this history what possibly did I do wrong to set him off, I thought telling the truth was the right thing to do? Yes I want us to get back together but there is a child involved now and it’s my number one priority no matter who the father is of the two men. Is it possible he was hurt before but even with another’s child he was trying to progress towards us getting back together or just really just a concerned friend with some emotion?
I know it’s hard after three years to just let go and there is a lot of distance between us because of these events, physically and emotionally but being pregnant and planning on raising a child as a single mom keeps me from feeling rational. I guess my main question is more can we be salvaged through this and from what I have written is it possible? Or most likely he was truly done when he realized the child could belong to another? We went through a lot but a child changes everything and this is out of my league to figure out on my own. Should I let go or try? How do I do either one? (And yes I know the paternity results when the child’s born will decide a lot but till then I can’t just sit back and hope…)”
- Jacqueline (24)
Traditional psychology thinks of functional families as lacking conflict. A traditional psychologist might label familial strife as dysfunctional but evolution actually predicts- if not demands- a certain level of conflict within families. Every individual in a family has her or his own reproductive interests that have to interact with the reproductive interests of everyone else. A child that helps raise a younger sibling may be passing on part of her or his genes at the expense of being able to mate and pass on the whole package.
