A good marriage has many of the attributes of friendship.  There’s someone to zip the back of your dress, give an honest opinion about a tie with a jacket, get aspirin when you have a headache, or laugh at your jokes. All good stuff.  But what sustains a marriage and makes it GREAT is Emotional Intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is what makes living together on a day-to-day basis, with all its ups and downs, easy and comfortable and why it’s so important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily. No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. It’s not that I don’t recommend such things. I do, especially for sexual intimacy.  But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy.  In the beginning intimacy equaled SEX! But once you’ve settled into your nest, kids come along, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think and squelches the urge to jump each other’s bones.

What’s more, with everyday life, the opportunities for sex are fewer and when the opportunity presents itself, there will be times when you really do have a headache, are too irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. You cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals connect you emotionally and should be observed on an almost daily basis. They don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time. With just a little imagination, you can morph a daily chore or event into an intimacy ritual. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. While Dale cooks, I sit in our breakfast nook and sip the glass of wine that he’s poured for me. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory.  An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.

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On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Shela Dean.