As a result, Sharon became untrusting of men, so we spent plenty of time together compensating for her loss. It was so hard to even try to get a girlfriend with her always around or pretending to be my girlfriend as a joke. Part of me wanted to be there for her, but things were changing so fast. When you are in high school, things change so fast that you are trying to keep up. Much of my time was spent joking with her and watching television. We would go swimming, shopping or to the putt-putt range to hang loose. Many a day went by with us just enjoying one another. Some would already say we were together and I guess we were in a sense. She didn’t trust being with anyone and I didn’t trust her being with anyone.

What can you say to a woman who has been through such a traumatic experience, that is, if you are a caring individual?  My heart wouldn’t allow me to change my behavior.  As much as I didn’t want to spend all my time with her, something inside wouldn’t allow me to say this to her.  Of course, at this point I was still a nice guy. Sharon wouldn’t allow me any time, calling me constantly to come over and hang.  Is there too much you can do for a person?  This question would ring through my mind, yet, there was no effort on my behalf to answer the question because of the situation.  Rape is a serious issue and as a man, one would think that a woman couldn’t rape a man. Or one could think that the man may actually enjoy the idea of being raped by a woman.  The question then becomes what if it was a woman that was “facially and bodily challenged?” Hell, men can be raped by men. I could really see killing myself after some mess like that. A family friend tried to touch me [discussed later] at a young age and I understood why she felt the way she did, actually being raped.  I tried to imagine how my life would be if that family friend succeeded, which is why she took plenty of my time healing from the ordeal. There was no faking around Sharon, especially since she could pick a fake person out of a bundle like she was picking good cantaloupe from a bad one.  It was important that I remain myself around her at all times.

My inexperience with women would just about disappear when the two of us spent time together.  Being inexperienced in the realm of women didn’t help; however, Sharon was there to make me feel more than what I was inside.  After a while though, it felt as if the two of us were traveling a road that was unwanted.  She was my friend first and foremost, not the love of my life in the relationship sense, nor was she a crush.  Even then, I was knowledgeable of a friendship being tainted by the mixing of sexual tension and attractiveness due to previous knowledge.  In my mind, I feared that the two of us would end up breaking up this progressive friendship by dating one another or having sexual intercourse.  I loved and cared for Sharon as much as a young man could during that period of my life; yet, as our relationship progressed, my feelings were of a more nervous nature. That’s not saying that Sharon wasn’t an attractive woman, on the contrary, she was beautiful, but losing another friend wasn’t what I wanted. However, there is that part of you that sees a beautiful woman and wants to dabble. On the flipside though, temptation is a hell of a thing, and sex is very powerful if uncontrolled. It’s clear that I’m a young man before anything else, so sex is a part of the everyday thought process. The goal was to not get roped in to another sexual trap, and losing a friend who uses me for sex.

As the months progressed after the rape, so did our relationship. Things changed for the better in a sense. Sharon was dating again and it was nice to see her feeling better. My role was that of an active role in her life as she stepped back out to date. Dating was on the backburner for me; however, there were a few here and there. When the relationships required too much time, then they would be placed on hold. Yet, after a while, the trend of her spending less time with me started to develop again. This time though, the guy she talked to was a nice guy. Derrick was his name, and he would seemingly take my place. From the outside, it would seem as though she formed a bond with him.

For two weeks Sharon and I talked limited amounts of time. We would communicate, but not like in the past, which wasn’t a problem. My feelings weren’t hurt because she needed this. Being used to being around her would have to change. My life consisted of a “piece of a girlfriend,” as my grandmother would say, so it didn’t require much attention [A piece of a girlfriend meant that she wasn’t worth the time]. My thoughts were we would revert right back to the relationship we had before; limited conversation for a long time.

To be continued……….

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Rajah Smart, M.A. ED.