Alex removes his hand from her face and takes a seat on the couch watching Tonya read. The fire pops, as the light fades into the darkness. He begins to think about how things used to be when they were in school together. They say that high school is the time that you develop your crush; well Tonya was his crush, even though they were like family. He can recall though the time he finally noticed her and wanted to be with her. Alex picks up his small journal off the table and begins to write.

The crush is defined by that first so called “love” of your life. You meet, fall in love and then they leave you crushed and abandoned. I’d have to say there is merit to this phenomenon. High school perpetuates the formative years in any adults life, and as I look back at those years, I’m reminded of how the thoughts in my mind now are thoughts that flourished then. This is during the late 80’s and early 90’s when times were a tad simpler, music was fun, and the average R&B group were producing old love ballads and dance songs frequently. Groups like Faze, Guy, Game, Silk, Boyz II Men, A Few Good Men, etc. Rappers such as Heavy D, Rakim, and other rappers dominated the charts with more dance and party geared music. Nothing was like a good Keith Sweat love song for the dances or a Jodeci ballad. With the music come the emotions we connected to the music.

There are those insecurities that we have, the dreams that are lodged in my mind and many other thoughts. My mind recalls walking into this weathered building with three other separate buildings called high school. The school was an older structure but it had a personality about it that made it somewhat appealing. The nerves within me shook thinking: What do I do? Will I fit in? Will anyone like me? Will they hate me? There was a parking lot that separated the two schools. The walk from building to building made me adjust quickly to the lifestyle of high school. On that first day, walking from class to class, eyes were upon me as many people walked throughout the parking lot to change classes. Would I be placed in one of those categories that you didn’t want to be a part of in high school? Everything would be done to fight that, but my parents expected me to concentrate on books, not friends. You have committed high school suicide if you are a smarty pants, so I made sure the perception of me being smart was below radar. My main concern was making friends, especially being that I was coming from an entirely different district. Initially things would start very slow for me. However, during that 9^th grade year, there were allegiances made; however, there was one that would change my life forever.

As a skinny 5’8, 146 pound kid in the 9^th grade, I was a long way from finding that infamous thing called a girlfriend, but I never realized she was in my face the whole time.  Self-esteem is one of those things that you either have or don’t. It can increase as well as decrease. It’s unfortunate that it takes a shorter time for it to decrease, whereas it takes a significant amount of time to increase. After a day at school of being ignored, Tonya walked up to me and touched my shoulder to check on me. At that moment, I was in love, but too scared to ever say anything really or pursue it till now.

To be continued….

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Rajah Smart, M.A. ED.