Ladies, welcome to W.O.W (World of Women). I am a lesbian and am offering some solid advice to help you fulfill your fantasy about being with another woman. Maybe the urge to be with another woman has been there for a long time or maybe you discovered it after watching some steamy sex scenes on the Showtime hit, The L Word or some other program that has mainstream women making out in the media. Please note that there are differences in approaching a woman based on whether she is gay, bi-sexual, or bi-curious (see definitions below). There are also differences in the over all experience of being with women based on their sexual orientation, as well as “type’ in terms of gender style (i.e. tomboy, femme, ultra-femme, boi, butch, etc). I realize this gender style doesn’t exist much in the “straight” world (maybe feminine and tomboy) but it does if you enter the “lesbian” world. Regardless, sex with a woman can be super hot and like nothing you have ever imagined. Trust me; it is not like you’ve seen depicted in some “straight” girl-on-girl porn flick that you may have watched with your boyfriend. If you have been with another bi-sexual woman or even another bi-curious female, you may have experienced frustration if neither of you has had previous or extensive girl-on-girl experience.
Definitions of some common terminology used in lesbian culture:
Bi-curious female– A woman who wonders what it is like to engage in sex with another woman or fantasizes about it with intent or strong desire to act upon it;
Bi-Sexual Female– A woman who has sex with men and woman not necessarily at the same time or simultaneously, but over all enjoys sex with both male and female. A bi-sexual female could be in a committed relationship with a woman but still be sexually attracted to a man but May or may not act upon it.
Lesbian– A female who has intimate relationships; physically, mentally and emotionally with only another woman, and no interest in men in the same capacity;
Femme– A female who is naturally feminine in nature; likes her nails, hair, done, wears high heels, skirts, etc; typically a sexual bottom (although not always;)
Non-femme– Antitheses of the “femme”, includes tomboys, androgynous, bois, butches; a more masculine or aggressive woman; a sexual “top”. Please note that being butch does not mean she wants to be a man. So please refrain from saying, “If I wanted a butch, I’d just date a man”.
Where to start? As I mentioned above, the joy of your experience with a woman will vary dramatically, depending on the “type” and sexual orientation your potential lady falls within. If you are interested in begin with a lesbian, specifically, this will most likely prove to be your greatest challenge, but may be your most sexually satisfying due to level of her experience. The challenge is due to the fact that there are a lot of lesbians who do not appreciate bi-curious or bi-sexual women entering their world. I am sharing this information with you because you may get some serious “jeers” from lesbians who are more “anti-bi-curious or bi-sexual”. Don’t let it discourage you. Since there are “types” within the lesbian world, being with a femme will be completely different than with an androgynous or butch female. If you know you are more of a “bottom” sexually, meaning you want someone else to take charge, then you should perhaps seek out a more non-femme that you may be attracted to or make sure your femme is willing to be the aggressor. Obviously if you find yourself attracted to only feminine women then you’ll have to have patience until you find a willing participant.
If you are interested in meeting a lesbian, your best option is to cruise around the gay/lesbian neighborhood (i.e. The Castro in S.F. or West Hollywood in Los Angeles) if one exists near you. Keep in mind that it doesn’t mean every woman hanging out there is a lesbian. You will have to be a bit assertive and engage in some conversations to feel your way around a bit. You may look for flyers advertising a lesbian activity or event, such as a book club, open mike-night, or hiking excursion. If you attend an event and meet someone that interests you and later you meet up for a drink, it’s ok to tell her that you have not been with a woman or whatever your situation is. You may want to refrain from actually using the word “bi-curious” since it does have a negative connotation and maybe she thinks you mean that you are “bi-sexual”, which has an even worse connotation. Being honest is important, but there are multiple ways of expressing your situation without causing someone to pass judgment on you before they have the opportunity to get to know you as a person. You can always cruise the lesbian/gay bars, but it’s good to know that is not your only option. The easy “ins” at a lesbian/bar is the same as a straight club; i.e. buy her a drink or ask her to dance.
Whether you’re interested in a lesbian, a bi-sexual, or maybe you don’t care about her sexual orientation and just have a general interest in exploring your own, Craigslist is a good place to start. There is a women looking for women (w4w) section in both the “dating” section and the “casual encounters” section. You can either cruise Craigslist postings or post your own ad. If you respond to a post, be honest about what you are looking for and what your situation is. Be prepared to send a picture along with your response and ask them to return one. Do not have too many email exchanges before voice verifying, as there are a lot of “man trolls” (men posing as women) on Craigslist. If you decide to post an ad, you should write exactly what you are looking for and be honest about your bi-curiosity. Describe yourself physically, if you don’t post a picture, and describe the type of woman you are seeking; age, body type, etc. You can also cruise various online personal websites that are more sexually charged (i.e. Adultfriendfinder.com) vs. those geared for dating or relationships, such as Match.com. Be aware that these sites typically allow you to post a profile for free but you must pay to communicate with anyone. My book, The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women, provides more details to find women, what to do on dates, and how to approach women. Please note that although the title indicates it is geared toward men, the book is written by a woman who dates women. So It can help you too!!!!!
Survival Tips. If you find a femme that catches your attention and you are a femme, you already have some things in common, such as doing hair, nails, shopping and other girly girl things. Invite her for a drink at a sexy restaurant. Keep it short initially to see if there is a connection and if things go well, you can roll it right into a sexy dinner. I would avoid a “straight bar” environment since you will most likely spend part of your time fielding off guys. If you do want to go for a drink, stick to the gay/lesbian neighborhoods or a restaurant that has a nice lounge/cocktail area. If this all goes well, the next “date” should be spent doing a longer activity, such as a day spa or shopping at a nice venue. If you spend some time talking in between, you may even step it up and plan a weekend getaway to fast track your sexual experience if you both know you are totally into each other. If you are less femme but still pursuing a femme, maybe the “girly girl” type is not for you. There are sporty femmes who like working out, hiking, beaching it, etc. So meeting up for an activity that engages you both physically could be a good option.
If you meet from an online ad, follow the three step process. Exchange a few emails, have a one or two phone conversations, then meet up for a short first encounter (about an hour), such as meeting for coffee, tea, drink, etc. This way if for some reason it’s not working out, you both have an easy out without creating an awkward moment. Do not spend months of emails and phone conversations. You want to make sure you are attracted to her in person and ensure she is really who she says she is. Online dating is a great option, but be smart and a bit cautious.
If you meet your lady in person randomly, you most likely already know you are physically attracted to each other. After exchanging numbers and speaking on the phone, it is ok to jump into something longer than coffee or drinks, such as lunch or dinner. I tend to steer away from going to a movie for the first date, generally because you are not talking for nearly three hours. This is my personal take on it but if you are shy, a movie may be a good way to spend sometime with your new lady without having to engage so much initially. You can then follow the movie with drinks or dinner.
Go for it. The above are just some examples of the potential dynamics to think about. I realize it may be a lot to think about but your goal should be to make your first girl on girl experience all that it can be. So ladies, stop just fantasizing about it; get out there and go for it. There are plenty of women out there who will be more than willing to help you explore your interests. Whatever the outcome, you will both get to share something exciting, sexy, and fun and in these economic conditions, fulfilling some of our fantasies and exploring new feelings can lessen our day to day stresses. Explore your options and get to know who you are, but be honest with yourself and whomever you meet.
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