Have you ever met a girl/guy who wants to know everything about you? I mean everything. How many lovers you’ve had, what you’re feeling and thinking about all of the time, or what is your most embarrassing moment? It can be a bit overwhelming, especially if you have your own issues with “your stuff”. There are things that you can share and things you should just keep to yourself.
Don’t ask, don’t tell. This can be a great piece of advice. If you want to avoid your partner (whether you’re married, dating, exclusive, etc) asking you things that you don’t want them to ask, don’t ask them questions!! For example, if you have been dating for three months and things are moving along great, why would you want to ask him/her how many people they have had sex with; is there a point? Because you know they will turn around and ask you the same thing. Do not ask them questions you are not prepare to answer in return.
What about keeping things sexy?? This is Rule Number 16 in my book, The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide to Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women. Why on earth would you tell them your most embarrassing moment? You know the time you were at your best friends wedding in a sexy a-line, taffeta brides maids dress and you didn’t know it was stuck in the back of your panties after a visit to the ladies room. You already lived the actual embarrassing moment in front of hundreds of people, so why on earth would you share that again. And guys, what about you? Although I think women are more likely to share up their most embarrassing moment, guys do it too. Keep things sexy and leave some mystery to what you are about. Maybe it’s ok to share such things down the road when you’ve been married for five or ten years and you are playing some crazy game. But personally, I am keeping that stuff a secret.
What do you do if your partner asks, “Do you think that I have gained weight or do I look fat?” Ok, maybe a girl typically asks this specific question, but men get concerned about their weight too and what their partner thinks. If either of you pose a weight related question, it is likely you have been going out awhile or are dating exclusively. If the one asking the question has gained weight, they already know it and is really just asking what you think of the newly gain weight; trying to find out if you are still attracted to them. Tell him/her that they look great because in that moment they are feeling insecure. If you are having issues with their weight gain, this is NOT the time to let them know. Find another way to discuss the weight gain. Maybe they have been stressed at work or have personal family issues occurring that has caused a change in dietary habits and exercise regimes. Talk to your partner and see if you can find out what is going on with them. Maybe they are just happy being in a relationship with you and you are spending more time eating out and less time working out!!
As far as exposing your deep dark secrets, I believe some things are left for you and your therapist. If you are dating someone who likes confidence in their partner, why would you sabotage it by telling them all of your insecurities. Everyone is insecure about something. I don’t mean don’t ever share things about your inner feelings or your psychosis, but this should come out in a “phased in” approach as the relationship evolves and you get comfortable with your partner; especially if you are moving into a more committed type of relationship. If you constantly sabotage a relationship because you are afraid to get close to someone, telling your partner may help you if they are open to your behaviors associated with your fear. I am just pointing out that it doesn’t have to be told too early on in a relationship. Some things may have a time and place that is relevant to share with your partner and some things “not so much”.
As far as sharing your inner dark secrets, I say keep them secret. Does your partner need to know you think about sex all day long and sometimes they are not part of your sexual thoughts or that you stare at every pair of boobs that walks by? Does your partner need to know that you think that the UPS guy is hot? Hell no. What is the point? If your partner asks a specific question that you don’t want to answer because you know they won’t like the answer, withhold information without actually lying. If you wear a big diamond ring from your ex and your partner asks who gave you that ring, it is helpful if the diamond was a hand me down from your mom or grandmother and your ex put it in a setting for you, then technically without lying you can say, “It belonged to my grandmother”. If your ex bought the whole ring, you can say “I got it as a gift”. Withholding is not lying, although I know my mother considers this lying. Based on the definition at dictionary.com, a lie is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. So giving partial information that is true is by definition not a lie.
Final thoughts. Getting close to your partner is exciting and fosters a deeper level of intimacy. A key to any relationship is communication and honesty; whether you have just started dating, have been dating a year, or are in a full blown long term relationship. A balance of sharing information, thoughts, and/or feelings will help the two of continue to grow closer but some things are just better left unshared.
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