Hmmm. There’s a question I want you to ask yourself even though you may not like the answer. I personally have done a lot of dating in my life and I eventually realized that I would have to answer “yes” to the very question I am asking you to ask yourself.

Sometimes it is not easy to recognize that this is occurring, so sit and take sometime to document some general attributes of your last five partners or people you have chosen to date, regardless of the length of the time you spent together. You may just realize that you are dating or choosing relations with someone who has negative and destructive behaviors or attitudes or seemingly, they are perfect.

Who and why you choose- There can be a number of reasons why you  chose the wrong type of partner but most often is the result of some experiences that occurred in your childhood and usually done unconsciously as a part of early conditioning. Someone who was abused may chose partners who are abusive to him or her because it is familiar. You may not think you are attracted to the same type of person because looking back at your choices, they may be all very different (at least on the surface). However, if you look deep at your past partners’ attitudes and behaviors, you may realize they are the same. For example, you may be a “giver” and therefore you may choose or attract a “taker”. This relationship may work for a while but eventually you will be disappointed. You may be attracted to a partner who is generally very good. Perhaps you look for fault with them because you feel you are not good enough. Eventually you will sabotage this relationship through your own behaviors. Depending on your specific situation, you may be picking partners to save or “rescue”; maybe because you are more comfortable in this role and therefore hiding your own insecurities. There are also those who have abandonment issues and therefore you will ultimately choose partners who will in fact abandon you.

Who you should choose- To make better partner choices, you need to figure out why you choose who you choose. Some are easier to figure out; the abandoned choose abandoners, the abused choose abusers, and the givers choose takers. Take a look at your relationship with your parents first. I am not saying “blame” your parents, but it is important to identify your life experiences as a child with respect to them. Then make a list of qualities of what you want in a partner and a list of “deal breakers”. Find a way to break your own patterns. Then when you meet someone that you are attracted to, see what qualities they possess that are on your list of qualities. If they pass this first check, then as you begin dating him/her, as you get to know them, pay attention if one of your “deal breakers” pops up. If so, end it, immediately.

Your partner should have the same basic core values, morals, and ethics as you. If you believe it is wrong for people to lie and you catch him/her in a lie, then that is against your belief system and you should discontinue dating this person. Building a relationship on core values will give you better odds at having a long lasting and healthy relationship. If you are “broken” in such a way that is compatible with your partner’s “brokenness” (i.e. abused and abuser), the relationship may be long lasting, but it will be unhealthy and likely leave you miserable most of the time.

Final thoughts- Everyone deserves to be happy and be with the love of his or her life. To achieve this, everyone must do his or her own inner work. There are many, many books to help you figure out your own “stuff”, but one of my favorites is by Dr. Beverly DeAngeles, Are You The One For Me. If you recognize that you have a pattern of picking the wrong person, now is a good time to start looking at why, because remember, this moment is your life.

Cheers,

Robbie Lee, author of The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide To Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women.

Check out my hot website at Robbie411.com.

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On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Robbie Lee.