Dysfunctional is defined by www.merriam-webster.com as abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction; this behavior can be with a group or individual. I can honestly say I have had my share of dysfunctional relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. Humans engage in dysfunction for many reasons I am sure. Based on my own experience and research, I find the specific dysfunctional behavior stems from what life experiences individuals were exposed to during early childhood years. If you weren’t loved and cared for properly or if you were overexposed to violence, anger, and mayhem, it is likely that you have unresolved issues that will carry into your adult relationships. It is possible that you find someone broken in just the way that fits how you are broken. For example, if you have abandonment issues, it is likely you will pick someone who will abandon you and you will act a certain way in that relationship. If your parents were always criticizing you, you will most likely pick people who treat you poorly because you feel you are not worthy of someone better.

The dysfunction criteria. The following are some common indicators of a dysfunctional relationship:

• Feeling confined;
• Something in the relationship always needs “fixing”;
• You are clearly “settling” for less than what you want;
• When things are good, they are great; but when bad, extremely bad;
• A feeling of being trapped;
• You feel like nothing you do is ever good enough;
• You find ways to distract yourself from your unhappiness;
• You are always giving and your partner is always taking;
• Your needs are not being met.

Healthy relationships. Unless you do a bit of inner work and self-reflecting, it is difficult to have a healthy, intimate relationship. I am not saying don’t have a relationship until you think you are “perfect”. You are perfect at this moment and with each lesson learned become more aware of who you are. As each relationship ends and a new one begins, exam how different this one is to the last. If each one is healthier, than you are truly moving in the right direction. Sometimes people slide backwards because they are more comfortable in what they know. If their dysfunction is to be with someone who treats them poorly, then they may be uncomfortable with someone who treats them well. A health relationship is one where you are nurtured and supportive so that you can become who you want to become. Your partner should allow you to explore who you are and develop your own relationships with new friends to have your own individual life within your relationship. Having common interests, trust, and similar life goals are also indicators of a healthy relationship.

Final Thoughts. Finding a partner that you can grow with and develop a healthy relationship takes time. It takes time to get to know someone, while allowing each other to get to know themselves in this new relationship. Feeling safe and trusting takes time too. Every relationship is different and neither of you will experience the same connection or evolve into a “couple” the same way. Falling in love in a healthy way takes times. If you tell your partner you love them within two months or less of meeting them, it is likely that it is based on lust and dysfunction.

If you feel honored and like the luckiest person in the world to have this person, if you both bring some healing to the table that can create depth and a feeling of security into the relationship, and if you are creating new territory for the both of you to explore together based on the future and not your past experiences, and if your partner is more than you could have ever asked for, then you are on the road to a happy and healthy adult relationship. Namaste.

Cheers,

Robbie Lee, author of
The Straight Man’s Pocket Guide to Picking Up a Hottie-Written by a Woman Who Loves Women

You can sign up for my mailing list using the “hottie parties” tab at www.Robbie411.com

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