I didn’t really know what I was doing, so I just kept my eyes shut and went with what felt right to me. What felt right was finding out where that smell of mint was coming from. Turns out he had eaten a mint in the recent past. The thought that he had eaten a mint with me in mind sent a flush down my body. It was that or the feel of his tongue that caused it. Whatever the reason I didn’t take the time to figure it out, I just enjoyed it. Even though it felt like the kiss went on for an eternity, I am sure in reality it was just a few moments. For me, it was one of those moments in time that slowly freezes and slips into slow motion… The warmness on my mouth disappeared and I opened my eyes to see his face lifting off of mine.

I looked at him and I have no idea what he saw in my face that made him smile. But he did and then tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. That gesture made my heart melt. I hadn’t realized until that moment how frozen I was, how truly unattractive I felt compared to my sisters. I knew that I had always felt forgotten compared to them. They were so loud, so emotional. Everything they did was so “BIG,” that I often felt in the shadows and unnoticed. I didn’t try to compete with them in their way; I competed with them in my own.

My grades went up. I tried my hardest to use the biggest words I learned at school. I became a voracious reader, not a hardship as I liked to read all the time anyway. I tried so hard to be the well behaved girl at home and the model student at school. I nurtured my natural love of music knowing it would create a tighter bond between my father and me. In one way my plan worked. My parents did notice and praised me. In another it didn’t. As soon as the praise was over, you could almost see a tangible relief in their faces and hear their mental sighs as they turned away to handle an older sister relieved they did not have to handle me. Perhaps that’s why I wanted a boyfriend so badly…because I wanted to be a part of something that noticed me… ONLY me. There in the barn that day, it was ME that was being noticed, it was ME that was being liked for who I was. It was ME that was being kissed because I was kissable, not because they thought if they kissed me they could get to a sister. I stood there wrapped in the warm arms of a virtually unknown boy and felt my heart thaw…just a bit.

He continued to look down at me for a long moment and leaned back, loosening his grip, but not letting go. I felt like I was being studied. While it was not the most comfortable moment being stared at by the person who had just given me my first kiss, I kind of liked it to…kind of.

“What are you going to do with you, Carla?” he asked me.

“What would you like to do with me?” I innocently asked. Immediately I blushed red hot. I truly had not meant to ask such a loaded question. It occurred to me that I still had much to learn about flirting. I thought to myself that I had better learn it fast before my face melted off my head. Instead of bursting into laughter as he had been doing, he smiled at me.

This time his smile was different. It wasn’t the kind of smile that made me think he thought I was funny. After I got to know him, I learned it was the smile he smiled when I had done something sweet or innocent. At that time, I didn’t know what kind of smile it was. I knew that I liked that kind of smile as well. To be honest, there probably wasn’t much he could have done or said at the time to make me think anything bad about him. Other than “you suck,” or “your breathe smells like horse shit.” THOSE things would have made me hate him no matter how good a kiss I just got. However, he didn’t say those things….he just smiled.

“What I want to do with you right now is finish feeding these horses,” he said. “I think they have waited long enough to eat, don’t you?” I had been so intent on him that I hadn’t heard the noises of the hungry horses in their stalls. They were stamping their feet, bumping their stalls doors and snorting in anger. To sum it off, they were one pissed off and hungry bunch of equine….

“OH!” I exclaimed. “They are really hungry!”

“Yes they are,” Jim agreed. “Let’s get them fed and then we will have more time to ourselves.”

“Ok,” I said. Then I tried to figure out what it was I had just agreed to? What exactly did that mean, more time to ourselves, I wondered? My imagination flew as we hurried back down the hall to get the grain and finish feeding the very hungry horses. I have to be honest and say that my anxiety grew as we fed those horses. I found myself being somewhat grateful that it was a big barn and that there were more than a few horses to feed. You can only feed horses for so long though and sooner rather than later the only sound to be heard was the munching of several horses as they crunched grain with their big, strong teeth.

“All done,” I said brushing my hands off on my jeans. “Remind me not to be late feeding them again. What a grumpy bunch of horses!”

“Horses are animals of habit. They learn a routine and they stick to it. They don’t really like it when it changes,” he explained.

“Must be kind of nice,” I mused to myself.

“What’s nice?” he asked.

“Having a regular routine that has been the same so long…Might be nice for humans to have that,” I answered. I don’t think anyone really knew what it felt like to be in the midst of hysteria all the time but not be part of the hysteria. It was unsettling to say the least.

“Come on,” he said grabbing my hand. “I have something else to show you that never changes. I think you’ll like it.”

“Where are we going?” I asked and then saw where he was leading me. “Oh No, not back in the hay mow!!!

“Don’t be a chicken…You’ll like it, I promise,” he said. Perhaps foolishly, I trusted him and went back up that damn ladder into the bales and bales of hay so high above the barn floor with Jim right behind me. That part I liked…again. Both of us got to the top and I stood there. He started toward the back of the barn and stopped when he realized I wasn’t walking with him.

“Come back here,” he said. “You have to climb up some bales to see it.” With that he scrambled over a tall stack of hay and disappeared from site. I stood there for a moment and decided, “What the hell!” and followed him over the pile. What I saw when I hit the floor made me speechless.

There was a door at the top of the loft that he had opened to reveal the setting sun. The light was so brilliant and full of the reds and yellows it was almost blinding. A shadow covered the light for a moment and I blinked with surprise.

“Let’s sit over here and watch it,” he said. Taking me by the hand he led me over to a shorter stack of bales. We sat down and he put his arm around my shoulders. “Just watch,” he said looking out the door and at the twilight sky and the sun beyond. “Just watch,” he repeated. Both of us sat together saying nothing, looking out at the sky and the beauty of the setting sun. It would have been wrong to say anything. To speak would have somehow diminished the moment. As we sat there, his arms around me, my leaning back against his warm, strong chest with his heart beating steadily against my back, I once again felt a little thaw. Ever so slight, a thawing of my heart…and it was good.

To be continued……………

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