Popular music, blockbuster movies and best-selling books have sold us a bill of goods. Think of all those classic love songs that, though recorded decades ago, still receive regular radio play: “All you need is love;” “Love will keep us together;” and “Love will see us through.” Go to your local Cineplex and you’re sure to find Cameron Diaz or Drew Barrymore falling in love, then out of love, and then back in love again. According to our culture, if two people love each other enough, they can work out anything. If your marriage is unhappy, then the first thing you need to do is love your partner more.

To that we say, “Baloney!” Love does not conquer all. Shared values do. We know that it sounds almost heretical in a world that thrives on perpetuating romantic stereotypes. But think about the high divorce rate, and the even higher rate of troubled relationships, and you’ll have to admit that we’re doing something wrong. Isn’t that the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? It’s time to restore some sanity to the institution of marriage—but, first, we have to let go of the fairy tale.

Helping people have healthier relationships is one of our passions. In our book, Love in the Present Tense, we explore the myths that keep divorce rates high and incidences of lasting, fulfilling relationships low, and we pinpoint eight core values that are “must haves” if you are going to sustain a successful marriage. We’d like to share them with you now:

• Personal growth. A good marriage fosters personal growth, and personal growth fosters a good marriage. In this context, growth refers to a continual process of learning about yourself, expanding your point of view, and extending yourself into the world.

• Willingness to challenge each other. You care most for your partner when you demand that he become the best that he can be. Accepting people exactly as they are is a form of abandonment. Challenging your partner is a vote of confidence and a sign of respect.

• Preeminence of the adult relationship. Marriage works best when it is given a higher priority than any other relationship in either partner’s life. This includes priority over even your children. When parents subrogate their own adult relationship needs to the needs of their children, they end up making the children feel responsible for making them happy.

• Dedication to your life’s purpose. In a great marriage, each partner is deeply committed to and actively involved in some endeavor outside the marriage. You never will be satisfied with your relationship if you are expecting it to supply the fulfillment that comes from pursuing a vision.

• Inner renewal. It is essential that each partner regularly tap into some source of inner renewal. This can be accomplished through religious or spiritual practices, and also can come from the enjoyment of nature or art, exercise or hobbies, journaling or simply spending quiet time alone with oneself.

• Personal responsibility. In a great marriage, both partners assume full responsibility for their own inner lives. They don’t view their partner as the cause of what they are feeling. It is mutually understood that while you can’t control what your partner does, you are completely free to choose your own response to what he does.

• Accountability. Accountability in marriage means keeping one’s word, following through on commitments, telling the truth, and accepting the full consequences of what we do and neglect to do.

• Quality communication. Real intimacy is based on the quality of communication, not the quantity of time you spend together. This means regularly sharing with your partner what is happening in your inner life and listening with full attention when your partner shares with you.

Surprised by some of these principles? Most people are. And yet, radical as it may seem to those of us raised on an unrealistic diet of marriage myths, what we are saying makes perfect sense to those who’ve embraced our ideas.

When partners share common values, they have a common ground upon which they can resolve just about any conflict. They discover that despite whatever dissatisfaction may be ruffling the surface of their marriage, they have chosen the right partner.

Few marriage counselors will admit that all relationship advice is values-based. Anyone who tells you how to have a better relationship is operating out of their own vision of what a better relationship looks like. The values we base our work and our book on are the values that keep our relationship whole. We are judgmental. And we think you should be judgmental too.

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Morrie and Arleah Shechtman.