Have you ever been obsessed with someone or with your relationship? If you answered yes, you’re not alone. Obsession is a very ancient, powerful tendency in many people. All of us understand that sometimes the pull to excessively focus on a person or relationship is too powerful to let go of but when obsession begins to dominate your life it’s easy to become out of balance. So be gentle with yourself whenever you are drawn into an obsession. It’s normal and very common.

But what gets you into the cycle of persistent, disturbing preoccupations that can be so hard to shake? What triggers obsession? The answer I have to offer may surprise you. In truth, whenever you are consistently thinking about a particular person or worried about your partnership, you can be reasonably sure that you are experiencing a feeling you don’t know how to cope with. Obsession is a great signal that something is going on within you. It lets you know that you are experiencing emotions that are too overwhelming to process.

All obsessions are actually a great tactic you use to divert yourself from feelings that seem too painful to face. Obsessions with unavailable people, or anger at your partner, are all ways to distract yourself from feeling the feelings working in you. It’s a detour that takes you away from having to look at your feelings.

So what’s the antidote? Learn to recognize the movement into obsession of any kind and it will be much easier for you to see the purpose of your coping mechanisms. Then you’ll see that you’re using your obsession on that newbie at the office or your favorite performer to distract yourself if situations or feelings are too intense. Train yourself to notice a movement into obsession as a call from your deepest power and you’ll realize that actually obsession is your friend.

And if obsession has a message for you, then you can give yourself the permission to have it be OK to obsess on someone. I don’t mean it’s OK to be a stalker. There’s a difference between thinking about someone obsessively and acting obsessions out. I’m talking about being unable to keep your mind off that cutie you saw on the subway last week, the person you’ve been chatting with on Facebook, or that sexy grocer at the corner store. I’m talking about checking your email 50 times a day waiting for that hottie you had a first date with last night to touch base or thinking about what you could have said to make your lover stay after your last fight.

And I want you to know that no matter who or what you are obsessing on, it’s OK. And knowing it is always OK leads you to a profound place of self-trust. If you cannot let go of a preoccupation right now, know that it is OK.

Also don’t worry. There are ways to tame obsession. Setting a five-minute boundary on what is haunting you is a tool that can often quiet the obsession. Give yourself 5 minutes to fully engage in fantasy. Obsess to your heart’s content. But when the 5 minutes are up, that’s it. Move on. Get back to work, play with the cat, make some lunch. Do whatever is in front of you. And if the urge to obsess comes back, tell yourself that your time is up.

If the preoccupation is persistent, though, looking behind it will always reframe obsession as a wonderful teacher. Just remind yourself that obsessing on a person means that you are in an uncomfortable situation or are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling. Even if you have to do this 50 times a day, the obsession will start to retreat. And then something really wonderful can happen.

Now you have the magic opportunity to use your preoccupations to get closer to yourself. Obsession is a time waster but its purpose is not to waste your time. It’s trying to get your attention so you can manifest all the dreams you have. Chances are that hottie you like will be more attracted to you if you are enjoying yourself, not beating yourself up for obsessing on him or her. Move into your feelings to discover what is really going inside. Give yourself the permission let go of control and be who you are in this moment. Love yourself, even if you are preoccupied with someone else. Obsession will stop and you will move on to great things!

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Marian Lindner.