Every couple encounters struggles in their relationship, yet many people expect the fairy tale happy ending. Most of us don’t have well-developed skills to handle strife. But a sure partnership killer is never letting go of conflicts. It’s a real problem.
If you are experiencing a challenge with your partner right now, it’s normal. Conflict is part of life. Savvy partners realize that holding on to struggle is detrimental to a good relationship. A very wise person once remarked that the key to a happy marriage is a short memory.
So what’s the best course of action to take when your partner triggers you like nobody’s business?
The most important thing to remember when you face a huge relationship crisis is all of the reasons that you are with that person. But it can be very hard to feel the love if you’re ready to blow. The best possible tactic is to draft a strategic plan with your love before a big explosion, your partnership’s pre-emptive strike that will keep the importance of the relationship paramount in the heat of the moment. Planning is everything. One of the most effective ways to protect your relationship is to agree as a couple to use “fight-fair” reminders before you jump into a big dispute.
OK, I know you’re asking, “What kind of reminder is going to stop me from losing it when my partner majorly pushes my buttons?” Reminders are best if they are a bit shocking or out of the box so that they get everyone’s attention. Reminders can include a silly word, an agreement to always hold hands while fighting, a decision to lie down on the bed together and just breathe when having a heated discussion, or making the choice that either party can take a fifteen minute walk and then return. Of course, fighting naked is almost always the wisest option!
“Whenever my husband or I is upset, we have this funny old pair of glasses that we put on,” says Mary Jane. “It’s our signal that we need to remember how much we care about each other and that our misunderstanding is not as important as our relationship. Those glasses have gotten us out of some really tough situations.”
All these ideas may sound easy but making a decision that the relationship takes priority takes a lot of discipline. In my experience working with clients, the major reason for this is that our cultural myth convinces us that finding the “right” partner will mean that the relationship struggle is over. We truly believe that when we meet “The One,” each of us will understand the other so well that the relationship will run itself. This rarely happens, though, because each person may be using a different rulebook.
The concept of being team members in your relationship can help. Team members have a sense of a common goal, camaraderie, and a shared knowledge of the game’s ground-rules. Each team member works together to be successful. Playing on a team is also fun.
You deserve a relationship with clear goals, common ground-rules, and two loving equals. By employing a few high-stakes maneuvers in the pre-planning stage, you and your love can calm down, deal with misunderstandings, explore your differing expectations and bring on more love. I’d love to hear any new ideas you have!
By Marian Lindner
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Great Article! I love that you focus on setting goals in your relationship. It seems we set different goals for ourselves, but once we get married, we stop setting goals for our relationship.
We are always looking to grow our career, improve our income, even change the world, but we get stagnent in our relationship and expect things to get better without work.