If you’re attracted to the unavailable type, I bet you can clearly identify that person in your life. But the choice to partner with emotionally shut down people is incredibly significant. Every time you choose someone who can’t give you what you need, you’re being offered a clear invitation to look closer at the pain you’re causing yourself.

Since the beginning of time, emotionally unavailable people have been known for making dates and then breaking them, being married or in a long term relationship, being an alcoholic or a compulsive gambler, being angry or abusive, not wanting to be in a relationship with you, being passive-aggressive or frequently late, still being connected to their “ex,” not initiating, putting no energy out, keeping you guessing, flirting with other people, not being attracted to you, being controlling, judgmental, hesitant in some way, or being inconsistent.

If you find yourself attracted to unavailable people, your behavior says what you can’t say. If you get into relationships with people who send mixed messages and confuse you and you are caught up in the drama, there’s a good reason. It may be time to examine yourself and your motives. There are some important reasons why you may be drawn to emotionally unavailable people.

The number one reason to be attracted to this kind of unavailability in a person is that then there is no real chance of getting close and having to be truly intimate. Although it will hurt to be with someone who can never really love you the way you want, that pain actually protects you from having to explore your own blocks to intimacy which may feel even more scary. It sounds strange, but it makes perfect sense. I have worked with many clients who have come to realize this was their secret motive. Once they understood that they were running from intimacy, it was a lot easier to deal with what was preventing them from sharing love. Then they were able to kiss the unavailable type goodbye forever and were ready to enjoy a loving partnership with an emotionally available person.

Another reason to choose an emotionally shut down person is that when involved with unavailable people it’s easy to distract yourself from your own life. The dramatic highs and lows in the relationship are a big hook, divert your attention from what really matters and suck your energy. Things rarely go smoothly in partnership with an unavailable person. Everything revolves around a crisis. You wait for that magic moment when the other person will be ready to love you. It’s a great distraction and a powerful hook to be involved with a “crazymaker.”

It’s always okay to be with anyone you want but involvement with an emotionally shut down individual is a difficult and unfulfilling way to live. The next time you are attracted to someone you think may be unavailable, ask yourself if that involvement feels good and if this is what you want. You deserve someone who can really love you. Are you ready for that?

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Marian Lindner.