This edition of my column is directed to women, but men are welcome to read and learn!

What’s the big deal with orgasms? A lot, if you’re frustrated because you’ve never experienced one or if having one is a struggle. Fortunately, orgasmic troubles often can be resolved with a little education, practice, and, if necessary, consultation with a healthcare provider or sexuality professional.

What is an orgasm?

An orgasm is a brief period of intense physical release after a build-up in sexual tension. During an orgasm, most women experience:

• Muscle contractions in the vagina and uterus
• Increased blood pressure, heart rate and breathing
• Decreased sensitivity to pain
• A sudden, forceful release of sexual tension
• Flushing (blushing) over the entire body
• Some women release fluid produced by the Skene’s glands through the urethra. This “female ejaculate” is not urine, and it can range from a few drops of fluid to a significant amount.

Why are people so interested in orgasms?

Because they feel good! They can help you relax, fall asleep or even energize you. They also exercise your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which supports your internal organs and can enhance overall sexual pleasure. If you have a sexual partner who cares about your sexual satisfaction, orgasms may bring you closer emotionally. If your partner doesn’t care about your satisfaction, kick him or her out of bed.

Orgasms are usually the peak of a four-stage sexual response cycle, even though you may respond differently.

Seduction – This stage starts when you think about whether to shave your legs, put on perfume, change the sheets, wear something sexy, etc. Or when your partner nibbles your neck, or perhaps you’re by yourself, and you think about finding a private place for some personal play.

Sensations – During this stage, you’re playing with yourself or a partner, and your excitement builds until you reach a plateau where everything’s feeling good, your vagina is wet, and you’re not about to stop.

Surrender – This is the point at which an orgasm occurs if you can surrender completely to the moment, not caring what your face looks like, what sounds you’re making, or whether your body’s perfect. In other words, you’re 100% focused on pleasure.

Reflection – Ahhhh. You’re sweaty, catching your breath, resting…or gathering your bearings for another go-round: During this stage, you’ll reflect on the sexual experience: if it was good, you’ll be eager for the next adventure; if it was mediocre or worse, you’ll be less interested in a future go-round.

Orgasm may be difficult if you…

• Don’t feel free to express yourself sexually
• Are unfamiliar with your sexual anatomy
• Focus only on your partner
• Don’t allow enough time for arousal and stimulation
• Are embarrassed by your sexual responses
• Feel guilty about enjoying sex
• Take medication that reduces desire
• Have a sexual disorder

The bottom line is that orgasms can be elusive for many women, for many reasons. If you can’t solve the problem yourself, don’t hesitate to seek help from your physician, a sex therapist, or a sex educator.

You’re the first step to your pleasure

If you’re familiar with how your body responds, orgasms will be easier, and you’ll be able to coach a partner through what makes you moan with pleasure. Set aside time for self exploration, starting with a mirror so you can see what your labia majora (outer lips), labia minora (inner lips), clitoris, clitoral hood, urethral opening, vaginal opening, and anus look like.

Expect to look different from the pictures in erotic media: No two vulvas look alike, especially the inner lips, which vary from woman to woman – and even from left to right side in the same woman.

Once you know the lay of the land, put the mirror away, get comfortable, and try touching yourself gently, firmly, in little circles – whatever comes naturally. See what feels good…and what feels better. You might enjoy using a little lubricant, a vibrator, or even a pillow to rub against. If something feels really good…continue what you’re doing, by all means! Don’t pressure yourself to have an orgasm. You can always play more some other time.

If you’re uncomfortable touching yourself, engage a partner in the learning process. Set aside time for you to be the focus of attention, and verbally or manually guide your partner’s movements so you both learn what you like.

Is there a “right” kind of orgasm?

Orgasms can be traced to many parts of the body, but they’re triggered most often through direct clitoral stimulation. Most women do not climax through sexual intercourse alone. If you have a partner who can hit your sweet spot through penetration, great; if not, just use your own hand, a toy, or teach your partner what you need in addition to penetration. There’s no correct way to climax: the right orgasm is any kind you enjoy.

I’ve written an illustrated brochure called “Taking the Mystery out of Female Orgasm,” which includes a list of helpful books and online resources. For more information, visit http://www.honestexchange.com/Products/Pro_index.htm

Coming up: Tips for Talking to a Partner about Sex

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Melanie J. Davis, M.Ed..