The song, “Business Time,” from the HBO show Flight of the Conchords is one of the funniest representations of coupled sexual communication around. She says, “I’m going upstairs to bed because I have work in the morning,” which he interprets as, “Come up and make love” because, well, it’s Wednesday, and they always have sex on Wednesdays.

The song isn’t too far off from the way many real couples communicate, or rather, think they communicate. As playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Good communication is an essential component for partners who want to turn sex from so-so to ooooh! If they can’t communicate clearly, they do the same things over and over until sex gets boring and/or unsatisfying – or, in the case of a casual hook-up, until an unhappy partner refuses further contact.

Admittedly, a lot of men despise talking with a partner when the sex is bad, and talking about the good stuff isn’t necessarily less painful unless it leads to more of the good stuff. And that’s just the way it works:

• Self-disclosure – communicating your likes and dislikes – can increase sexual satisfaction.
• The greater your sexual satisfaction, the greater your satisfaction with your relationship in general.
• The greater your satisfaction with your relationship, the greater your sexual satisfaction.

It’s a pretty nifty cycle. So let’s get busy talking about how to talk about sex in a way that’ll kick that cycle into gear.

• Don’t launch into a conversation without asking whether your partner is available to talk. If the answer is yes, proceed; if the answer is no, ask your partner to specify a good time during the next 24 hours when you can talk.
• Never recap a sexual encounter, unless the sex was so great you feel compelled to express gratitude, love, desire for more, etc.
• When you talk about sex, leave the outside world outside. Turn off phones, pagers, TV, lock out the kids, etc. so the only communication is between the two of you.
• Use I statements. Rather than, “Why do you keep touching me like that?” try, “I feel so hot when you…”
• Position yourself within your partner’s “intimate zone,” which is within 18 inches of your extended arm.
• Never criticize someone’s lovemaking or body; rather, focus on the positives and build up from there.
• Body positions for effective conversations:
  • Male – Sit or stand side by side with a simple distraction, like a car trip or dog walking; avoid initiating conversation when a man is engrossed in TV, a computer game, work assignment, workout, etc.
  • Female – Sit or stand face to face because women respond best when they can observe facial explanations.
• If you’re both embarrassed to talk about sex, try game playing: Play Scrabble or Bananagrams using sexually explicit words; try Adult Trivial Pursuit; play “A is for…” (A is for ass; A is for ass and B is for breast; A is for ass, b is for breast, c is for…”
• Ask each other, “What are some of the most difficult words to say? Why?” Together, say the words over and over again until you can say them without blushing, giggling or mumbling.

If your sex life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, start talking. And keep in mind that talking about sex is like exercise: the more you do it, the easier and more productive it gets. Now, just do it!

Next up: When does the enjoying sex cross the line?

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Melanie J. Davis, M.Ed..