Most of us don’t have to think too hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology. “My relationship ended, it felt bad and now I am sick because of it,” is precisely the kind of unexamined thinking and superficial generalization that spins us into imbalance in most cases.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived to relationship. Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Did we know how to sleep alone, be alone, fulfill our needs ourselves, and understand that we are responsible at all times for our own reality? Had we taken care to understand the complexity of human emotions and feelings and how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved ~ would they have thrust the blade, turned it and left us for dead? I suspect, should you honestly ask yourself these questions, I think not.

Rather, most of us sidle up to our relationship candidates, seducer or seductress in full force, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our hostage. The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced ourselves into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from/tried to camouflage or hide/temporarily derailed/quelled return. Only, oddly, we look at our partner and think they now are the culprit! The relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!” Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves we must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in sickness and health, until death do you part.

November 27, 2009
To see Maryanne talking about the need to “go where you’re frightened,” watch this video!

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Maryanne Comaroto.