Your soggy bodies collapse beside each other, too depleted to even wipe away the beads of sweat swelling above your brow and trickling down into your ears. Your lover rolls off to one side of the bed feeling for a light: you turn and watch the embers at the end of the cigarette ignite, then gaze as he takes a long drag and exhales a vapor trail of smoke into the silence. “Ahhhhhh,” he speaks. “That was great!” You dreamily reply, “Yeah…Wow…that was…amazing!” He reaches over and rests his weary hand on your thigh, takes one last drag; you both lie quietly as the smoke disappears into the night. You gaze at his strong silhouette. He falls off to sleep as you drift off into visions of Happily Ever After…until…
Until you suddenly realize you’re not alone! That right now, at this very moment, there are between 40 to 600 million sperm fighting for their lives, swimming frantically upstream in your fallopian tubes, heading directly for your ovum. Each one determined they will be the one that succeeds in making you a little chubby bubby baby of your very own, that looks exactly like both of you! The alarm goes off inside your brain: Sheeeiiaaattt, did I take my birth control pill? I thought I did. Didn’t I? or Holy crap what if that ring thing doesn’t work? or OMG, I don’t take birth control and we-didn’t-use-a-condom. WAAAH!
I guess there’s always the morning-after pill. Yeah, right, I can run down and get one of those…well, what if that doesn’t work? Uhhhmmm, okay, an abortion. I can always have an ABORTION? OH God, oh right! GOD…God please, please, please, don’t let me be pregnant, I swear if you do this for me, I, I…I won’t, I won’t…ever have sex again.” (Fingers crossed behind your back.) Funny how we can become intermittently religious, no?
The thing, is I love him, I mean I really like him or, I think he might be The One. Nine months later; perhaps a ring, maybe some wedding bells, who knows. One thing I do know is that the absent-father syndrome is rampant in our culture and, whether you loved each other or not, simply put; some men just leave. Don’t you think it makes sense to find out which kind of man you are about to invest you and your child’s future in? The kind of man that stays or the kind that leaves? The kind of man that thinks having sex is an awesome responsibility and believes they are as responsible as you are, no matter what happens? The kind of man that wants to be a father, that knows what that means—or, at the very least, will do their best to figure that out? Precisely when do you want to know the man you just had epic sex with is going to stay, to be a good father and keep his part of the bargain for the next 18-20-plus years? Before or after you get intimate? Here’s the thing: negotiating these life-changing details is next to impossible to do after the fact. I don’t care how cute or great in the sack you are. Time to find out if you’ve got yourself a boy, a guy or a man. When it comes to making babies, you’re going to need to know!
BOYZ!
Boy meets girl. ~ Boy wonders what she looks like naked.
Girl says hello. ~ Boy thinks, She wants me!
Girl says, “Call me.” ~ Boy suspects he could get laid.
Girl says yes to date. ~ Boy brings prophylactic.
Girl agrees to kiss. ~ Boy initiates second base.
Girl agrees to touch. ~ Boy negotiates mounting position.
Girl agrees to submit. ~ Boy is almost done.
Girl wants to snuggle. ~ Boy wants to leave.
Girl wants relationship. ~ Boy wants freedom.
Girl wants commitment. ~ Boy wants to meet another girl.
This scenario is likely an adolescent encounter, one in which neither boy nor girl has realized their own worth. But we also see this pattern repeated into adulthood by guyz and gals. Then looks something like this:
GUYZ!
Guy meets gal. ~ Guy wonders what gal looks like naked.
Gal smiles. ~ Guy knows she wants him.
Gal says “I’ll call you.” ~ Guy gives her his office voicemail JIC she’s a whacker.
Gal initiates meeting. ~ Guy picks Tuesday night for early drinks, JIC.
Gal imagines what their children will look like. ~ Guy hopes she doesn’t talk too much.
Gal negotiates sex. ~ Guy rehearses story for optimal quick departure.
Gal calls for days. ~ Guy thinks, I knew she was a whacker.
Gal is convinced all men are pigs. ~ Guy wonders if she wants to have sex again.
In that scenario the man/boy (looks like a man but acts like a boy) has not yet developed, psychologically or emotionally, much beyond puberty. His aptitude and skills have not matured enough to develop sustainable, long-term, mutually satisfying relationships. This unilateral relationship phenomenon is punctuated by his awareness of this fact and his unwillingness to tell you so.
MEN!
Man meets a woman. ~ Man wonders what she wants in life.
Woman responds warmly. ~ Man wonders if she is as open and capable as she seems.
Man extends invitation. ~ Woman accepts enthusiastically.
Woman tells man what she wants in life. ~ Man notices they want the same things.
Woman sees man’s actions are consistent with words. ~ Man develops respect.
Man opens his heart. ~ Woman drops her drawers.
Woman speaks her mind. ~ Man tells the truth.
Man and woman wake up and see what they can do to enhance each other’s lives!
Wanting sex is natural; wanting to touch, to be close, to be held—natural. As we evolve, however, it is also natural to move beyond narcissism, and include others’ feelings and needs into our field of reality. It is a matter of integrity, of value and worth—all concepts that come with emotional and psychological maturity. You become aware that we are on this planet together, on a path of growth. In the meantime, we all need to be reminded, now and again, of the difference between boyz and men. Particularly when it comes to creating what we want in a relationship…with children or not!
The definitions of boyz, guyz, and men come from Chapter Six of Maryanne’s latest book, Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers. If you’d like some time-tested, practical tools for your Relationship Tool Belt, you can buy the book at www.maryannelive.com and learn how to turn your dream relationship into reality!
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What you described about “men” is a good breakdown of the type of men women are most attracted to. However, I would be very reluctant to put faith that this type of man or any other is going to be there for your baby. Good birth control is very reliable. People are often unreliable. Trust in the birth control and you’ll be good. If for some bizzarre reason it doesn’t work then get the abortion. God will forgive you much quicker than the kid you resent and never wanted to have.
Adam