Before we proceed to the art of listening, it may be useful to provide a certain interpersonal context. We hear the word “intimacy” quite a bit these days, so let’s consider for a moment what it really means. It is supposed to be something we value, but at the same time, many of us avoid intimacy, sometimes without knowing we are doing it. In order better to understand the double-edged nature of intimacy, let’s consider how it can manifest at three different levels, because this understanding can provide a context within which we can consider how to develop our ability to communicate with others.
Level 1 intimacy is the most common and superficial, with the (unspoken) understanding that we can talk about nearly any subject EXCEPT about our feelings. At Level 1, the truth is that I don’t WANT to know how you are really feeling, so please don’t tell me. (Note we have an expression in English to convey this: “Well, THAT was more than I needed to know….”) In other words, at Level 1, we have an unspoken agreement to be inauthentic with each other. This is revealed in the most ubiquitous of American culture exchanges:
Bob (enthusiastically): Hi, how are you?
Sue: Super, just super! How about you?
Bob: Awesome! Fantastic! You doing good?
Sue: I am doing great!
We Americans take pride in the notion of “being positive” and as such we tend not to be very revealing of how we are really feeling. Are Bob and Sue really as exclusively upbeat as they present? Probably not, in that the human process is ever changing, and when we are present with ourselves, all kinds of feelings come and go, and they are not always “positive.” And yet society has trained us generally to keep such feelings to ourselves, or not to feel them at all. To illustrate, consider this exchange between Sue and the clerk at the grocery store:
Clerk (routinely): Hi, how are you?
Sue: Thanks for asking. Actually, I am feeling quite vulnerable lately. A bit depressed, I suppose, and maybe angry….
Clerk: Uh, have a great day!
When the clerk asks how Sue is doing, the truth is that she doesn’t really want to know, so Sue’s self-disclosure is unwelcomed. It might be worth noting that the U.S. culture is unique in stipulating that we always present ourselves “positively”. In Germany, for example, when someone says to you “How are you?” it is acceptable to reply simply “Thank you”, which allows for not answering the question, sparing one the need to be inauthentic. And the Japanese have a similar way of coping: instead of asking “How are you?” they comment on the weather instead. “It’s a beautiful day, no?” Again, this relieves you of the need to declare how wonderful you feel when that is not the case.
So Level 1, where the vast majority of interactions occur, is based on the mutual agreement that we will not burden each other with any human genuineness. We are having a straightforward transaction or an otherwise casual exchange, and that ought not to include the disclosure of any (genuine) feelings.
Level 2 is a big step up to a new territory of intimacy where we may talk about our feelings, with one exception, which I will explain in a moment. At Level 2, disclosure of feelings is acceptable, even welcomed.
Bob: What’s up with you?
Sue: I am OK, I suppose. Could be better…
Bob: Oh?
Sue: I am having problems at work. They expect me to work too much all of the time, and I am getting sick of it. When I try to talk to my manager about this, she lays this trip on me. I walk out of the meeting with her feeling OK, but later when I think about it, I start to feel really angry. Yet there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it….
See the difference? Sue isn’t just talking about the weather, the football game, or the stock market. At level 2 she hears Bob’s initial inquiry as genuine and thus she gives a genuine response; she tells him what is REALLY going on for her rather than just putting on the standard “super!” persona that we tend to utilize in public. Hopefully Bob will be able to continue to listen to Sue, (instead of giving advice or trying immediately to “cheer her up”, which would essentially return them to Level 1!) If so, Sue may find herself feeling a little better as a result, and both of them walk away humanly enriched because they took the risk to “be real” with each other for a moment.
Here is another example of Level 2, this one a bit more advanced:
Sue: I was upset with you yesterday….
Bob: Oh?
Sue: Yeah, when you made that comment about my interaction with John – that felt like a put-down. I am over it now, but I thought I should tell you….
Note in this case, beyond talking about feelings in general, Sue is talking about her feelings FOR Bob, which tends to be more challenging for the listener. But notice that she is talking about how she felt YESTERDAY rather than how she feels about him now. This is a clue as to what Level 3 is all about.
Level 3 intimacy represents the rarest of human exchanges. Beyond talking about our feelings in general per Level 2, at Level 3 we can talk about how we are feeling about EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW. This of course seems risky, because when I disclose how I am feeling about you, it may evoke feelings in you that you didn’t sign up for.
Bob: Sue, I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I love you….
Sue: Uh, that’s nice hey is it going to rain today?
Sue wasn’t planning on Bob being so candid today. We all want to be loved, and yet at the wrong moment such disclosures can throw us off. Simply put, we aren’t ready at that moment for Level 3 intimacy. Thus Sue responds with the listening block, “derailing”.
Another example:
Bob: You look down….
Sue: Well, yes….
Bob: What’s up?
Sue: Honestly, I am feeling angry at you. Remember that comment you made this morning about how you felt that I wasn’t sharing in the household chores? Well, I tried to listen at the time, but since then I have been feeling angry at you but I have been afraid to bring it up….
No wonder we avoid Level 3! Now Bob has the tough job of attempting to listen to Sue about how she is feeling about him right now. Chances are that Sue’s disclosure will trigger feelings for Bob, and this is where it gets really tough. If we simultaneously are feeling strong painful feelings for each other, who is going to do the listening? It is our general inability to function at Level 3 which is painful and damning for many relationships. In public we can declare how “great!” we feel, but at home, we are all longing for a chance to be real. But when your pain is directed at me, it may well bring up my pain which will be directed at you, and without some training, the conversation can break down very quickly, with both of retreating to our rooms, blaming each other.
Again, Level 3 intimacy is the act of sharing with each other how we are feeling about each other right now. Most of us simply don’t go there because no one has ever taught us the skills that Level 3 intimacy requires. Even when what you need to talk about doesn’t involve me, I may feel ill equipped to listen competently to your feelings. And then when it is about me, and to the extent that I feel blamed, made wrong, judged, misunderstood, etc, all that triggers MY feelings and MY need to be heard.
This is exactly where communications can break down big time, and though we may both be well-intended, we get confused and hurt and have a hard time finding our way “out of there.” Clearly both Level 3 and Level 2 intimacy require awareness and skills that we can’t develop at Level 1, which is where we “live” most of the time. Thus most of us have a significant gap between what it takes to cope with a truly intimate relationship and our existing skills. We may be vaguely aware of this, but where does one turn to learn such skills that are not acknowledged in mainstream society?
Having clarified the three levels of intimacy, in subsequent articles we will continue to explore the awareness and skills necessary to grow our relationships so that we can at begin to cope with Level 3 when we find ourselves there!
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