It is common for relationship coaches to advise us as to the importance of listening. Indeed, the ability to listen is seen as truly fundamental to all kinds of relationships, and thus many of us attend listening seminars or read related books and articles. I certainly did, long ago when I became aware of my own limitations as a listener.

Fascinated by the subject, I began teaching listening seminars, and quickly discovered a curious problem: The people who most needed the training were the first ones to declare that their listening skills were “just fine”. Bob says he is a great listener but his wife and coworkers say his listening skills are non-existent. I was initially baffled by this strange state of affairs, but with time I began to figure it out.

It goes like this - Bob is in fact a good listener, except when he isn’t listening, which unfortunately is most of the time. Instead of listening, Bob employs something we might call “listening blocks”. By definition, listening blocks are unconscious, so it won’t serve Bob to teach him “listening skills” because he will be too busy blocking to use his skills, all the while thinking what a fine listener he is. And thus I realized that I had to help clients to become aware of their listening blocks before I could serve them by providing conventional listening skills.

Succinctly put, listening blocks are behaviors we unconsciously use in order not to hear each other, and we use them for two reasons:

1. Some blocks we do simply out of habit. We learned them long ago, perhaps in our family of origin; they are indigenous to our personality style and as such they can be self-defeating habits.
2. We use them when what the other person is saying is diminishing to our egos in some way. If I were to let in your message, I would feel put down or at risk in some way, so I reflexively block your input. The upside is that I have avoided feeling diminished; the downside is that I am like a turtle, contained in my shell. My blocks prohibit insight and thus my own psychological growth.

Okay, with that as an introduction, I will now present the listening blocks for you. (Since they represent a lot of material, I will present them in two articles – this one and a follow up article.) As you read them, ask yourself two questions: Which blocks do YOU use in order to avoid hearing others? And, which blocks do OTHERS use in order to avoid hearing you?

DERAILING is the act of not listening by way of changing the subject or simply not responding to what the other has said. Derailing is often done with humor so as to make it less detectable, but it can take many forms.

Manager: Uh, I haven’t seen that report that you were supposed to give me yesterday….?

Employee: Have you seen Bill today? I need to talk to him about something….

SPARRRING is a block common to more aggressive personalities, those who “like to argue” or play “devil’s advocate”. Some of us get a certain pleasure (or emotional release) by engaging in forceful debate with no intention to listen. Typically, those of us who like to spar don’t quite get that others don’t necessarily share in the pleasure of such encounters!

RATIONALIZING is the act of explaining or excusing yourself so as not to let in what someone else is saying. Rationalizing is a universal defense against taking any accountability for our behavior, for brushing aside input that might otherwise cause us to question ourselves.

Bob (with some annoyance): Sue, you were 30 minutes late again today. We have talked about this before, that it is important to me for you to honor your time commitments, and….

Sue (interrupting): But the traffic was really terrible. What do you expect of me?!

Hint: One way to deal with the block of rationalizing is to address the PATTERN rather than the latest episode. For example, in this encounter above, Bob might say “I am not asking about what happened today, Sue. I am talking about the pattern of your lateness, which clearly goes beyond today….”

”AGREEING” is the act of going along with rather than speaking up, giving the outward appearance of agreeing when actually you have a different point of view. It is a non-assertive, conflict-avoiding block common for those who feel some apprehension in voicing an opinion different from what is being offered.

”BEING RIGHT” means that you have an emotional attachment to “winning” in a difference of opinion, enough so as to need to make others “wrong”. It is an aggressive block that conveys a sense of superiority and close-mindedness, as if my ego would be threatened if I were not to be “right” in the end. Most of us will back away from someone’s “being right” block because it can be intimidating.

Sue: I think Obama is a fine presidential candidate and he is likely to beat McCain this fall.

Bob: Give me a break – that is simply liberal garbage and there is NO WAY he is going to win!

DENIAL is the unconscious act of holding at bay aspects of reality which might be threatening to us. It also includes the common behavior of denying our own feelings.

Sue: Uh, are you OK? You look tense….

Bob: No, I’m fine.

Sure: Are you sure?

Bob: I SAID I AM FINE!! What are you bugging me for??

ADVISING is the act of “problem-solving” when the other person wants to be listened to. It is a block which manifests commonly in traditional male-female dynamics. He lurches in to “fix” the problem while she is still processing, still voicing her feelings.

Bob: What’s up? You look upset?

Sue: It’s my boss. He is giving me a hard time again. I felt so humiliated in this meeting when he….

Bob (agitated): Sue, I’ve told you before - you gotta STAND UP to this guy. You can’t let him push you around like this. You gotta march into his office, and you tell him….

Sue (agitated): Do you ALWAYS have to advise me, Bob? Sometimes I just want you to LISTEN to me!

Bob (stone-faced): Okay, fine. I will just sit here like a statue and say nothing. Is THAT what you want?

Sue storms off to her room at this point. No, Bob, what she wants is what she said: She wants you to LISTEN to her. Save any well-intended problem solving for AFTER she has voiced her feelings!

Hopefully this gives you a good picture of what listening blocks are. Did none of yours come up in this article? Don’t worry – we will have your number in the follow up material!

You don’t have to be a genius to understand listening blocks, as they are nearly universal behaviors. What will make you a better listener and general communicator with time is your AWARENESS of these blocks – awareness of when you are blocking and awareness of when someone is not hearing you. Regarding the latter – what to do about others’ blocks once you are aware of them in – that will be the subject of future articles. Regarding the former – awareness of your blocks – only AFTER you are aware of your blocks can you begin to LEARN to use classical listening skills. Trying to become a better listener without awareness would be like trying to ride a bike without wheels!

So let’s not put the cart before the horse. Until we meet again to cover the remaining listening blocks, try this:

• Make it a daily exercise in awareness to notice listening blocks, yours and others. Catch your blocks and see if you can name them. And then ask yourself what is going on for you at the time: What was it that was stressful about the other person’s behavior (or content)? How were you feeling at the time? How were you talking to yourself? And so on.

And don’t miss the next article on listening blocks, as there will be some good ones: counter-attacking, dreaming, rehearsing, and nitpicking – some real classics. And we will discuss in further detail how you can begin to replace your blocks, over time, with a genuine listening presence….

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