In this article we will continue with our study of listening blocks, for good reason: When listening blocks occur in conversation, it means that we are not hearing the other and are not aware of it. Thus retiring your listening blocks (and learning how to cope with the blocks of others) can be rewarding to all your relationships. The key to this growth is greater awareness, of both your inner process and your interpersonal process with others.
Note that some blocks are decidedly more aggressive in nature, while others are more non-assertive or passive. For example, “being right” is an aggressive block. My ego is threatened by the prospect of not being “right” – by not prevailing in a disagreement – and thus I will forcefully inform you as to how you are “wrong”. In contrast, “agreeing” is a passive block. “Agreeing” implies that you go along with what I am saying, even though inwardly you have a different opinion. It is only later that I find out that you didn’t really mean what you said; instead, you “agreed” with me at the time. Not as “in-your-face” as “being right”, but still problematic to the other person.
Though aggressive blocks may be more stressful (to the speaker) than those non-assertive, all blocks prohibit mutual understanding and intimacy. Think about it – when I do a listening block I am generally not in touch with MYSELF, so how could I possibly make contact with you? It is through the act of dismantling our blocks that we can begin more and more to know OURSELVES and thus obtain a human basis for greater intimacy with others.
Okay, with that as an introduction, let’s consider the remaining listening blocks. Just as the first time, as you read them, ask yourself two questions: Which blocks do I use in order to avoid hearing others? And which blocks do others use in order to avoid hearing me?
NITPICKING is the art of derailing by unduly FOCUSING ON DETAILS that are largely IRRELEVANT to the other person’s message. Sometimes nitpicking is used as a classic block to the other’s input; other times it can simply be a means to be critical (and express anger) by pouncing on something that hardly matters.
Sue (clearly seeking approval): Honey, what did you think of that article I wrote? I am hoping to get it published…..
Bob (indifferently): I didn’t like the font that you used. I would use a different one…..
Sue may not say anything, but she may walk away feeling diminished by the interaction and her anger about it may show up later….
COUNTER-ATTACKING is an aggressive form of derailing: I BRING UP ANOTHER SUBJECT TO DERAIL YOURS. I don’t want to hear what you are saying about subject X, so I will bring up subject Y, in an aggressive manner, to provoke you and derail your message.
Sue (wearily): Bob, I have asked you numerous times over the past three months to please clean up the garage. You say you will do it but for some reason you never actually do it, and….
Bob (interrupting, agitated): Did you take the cat to the vet?
Sue (taken aback): Huh? No! What does that have to do with your cleaning up…?
Bob (interrupting): Until you take the cat to the vet, don’t you bug me about the garage!
The “conversation” generally explodes at that point, leaving the garage unattended to. Is Bob motivated by a sudden deep compassion for the cat’s well being? No, his motivation is to avoid the conversation about the garage! (Both the task itself and his pattern of breaking agreements/procrastinating).
This is a block that domestic partners generally know well!
MINIMIZING uses the FAÇADE OF “POSITIVE THINKING” TO INVALIDATE the other’s point. It is a common block for managers to use on employees, and was universal in the Silicon Valley culture back in the nineties. It is a very hard block for employees to cope with.
Employee: Uh, boss, regarding your suggestion that we move that deadline up by 30 days…. Given everything else we have to do, I don’t think that that will be realistic….
Manager (cheerily): I hear you, Bob, but you know, I think it IS realistic. I am not asking to work HARDER. I am suggesting that you work SMARTER. You know – manage your time; set priorities, let the unimportant stuff sit. I think that if you manage your time well, you will discover that you have MORE than enough time to get the job done, and I am confident that you will achieve it!
What is the employee to say? In this case, genuinely unrealistic expectations – usually coming down from above – are disguised as “confidence in the employee” whereas the employee’s input was simply blocked. This is one which I think nearly any professional worker can relate to!
REHEARSING is the act of not hearing the other person because you are too busy PLANNING WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY NEXT. I don’t quite get that thinking about what I are going to say generally prohibits me from being present to hear what the other person is saying.
Note that I am not saying that there is never value in reviewing a situation in your mind in order to prepare for a meeting. Rather, the point is that rehearsing INSTEAD OF LISTENING in the moment prohibits us from hearing the other person’s message.
DREAMING is the act of SPACING OUT as a listening block. Somehow you are not truly engaged in what I am saying, so you simply float away. (“Yes, honey…. Uh huh. Yes, honey….”) Many of us using dreaming when we are in meetings which are not working for us in some way, but we don’t feel politically equipped to do something about it. Thus we space out as a way of coping, and for some of us this is so habitual that we don’t know we are doing it.
When I notice I am dreaming, I ask myself this question: Is there any way I could speak up now so as to change the dynamics of this meeting in my favor? If the answer is “yes”, then do so. If not, then enjoy yourself, as dreaming may indeed be an effective coping mechanism in that case!
JUDGING is the mental act of MAKING SOMEONE ELSE WRONG in order to protect yourself from feelings you would otherwise have. Judging is multi-faceted in that it is both a listening block and an inner behavior which we can direct at others or ourselves. Here is an example of judging as a listening block:
Bob: Bill said that he thought that your comments were overstated, that you were worrying about something that really isn’t that important.
Sue (dismissively): Well, coming from Bill that is no big surprise, don’t you think?
By judging Bill, Sue gets to disregard Bill’s input, as well as feelings that she might otherwise have. By putting others down, I make myself feel interpersonally safer.
IDENTIFYING is a form of derailing by TALKING ABOUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS TALKING ABOUT. People tend to confuse it with empathy, but in fact they are different. Empathy means to convey that you relate WHILE CONTINUING TO LISTEN, while identifying means taking over the conversation.
Bob: How are you?
Sue (clearly excited, wanting to share): Oh, I just got back from New York and I had a wonderful time! First, I went to….
Bob (interrupting): Oh, man, the last time I went to New York was 2004! It was great because my company picked up all my expenses for four nights, and I was able to …. (Goes on and on)
Sue: Zzzzzzzz…….
We all identify to some extent, but it is a common block for more verbal, extraverted personalities who experience input from others as triggers for their own minds to run. Come to think of it, this may be a good way to summarize the dilemma of all of us: When someone else speaks, their input triggers our minds to start running. If we are too attached to our own mental process, to the “narrative self” that starts rambling, then our self-absorption prohibits us from being present with others. Bluntly speaking, I am too “full of myself” to be able to hear you.
If I am a more mature listener, this will be problematic only when I am really stressed or distracted; if I have never worked on self-development before, I am likely to block even in casual moments, simply out of lack of self-awareness. This is offered not as a judgment; rather, it is a frank observation of the human condition prior to efforts to develop one’ self!
The bad news is that all of us have this tendency to be caught up in our own ego process so as not to be available to others. The good news is that like any other skill, through conscious practice we can change this. By witnessing our ego blocks (now that we have the vocabulary to name them), we can with time “rise above” them.
And beyond the practice of witnessing our blocks, we can share them with other key people in our lives. Once we get over the defensiveness, once we see the humor inherent in the human condition, then we can help each other to catch our blocks through giving feedback.
As we do so, as our awareness of our blocks grows, then we can begin to work on our active listening skills, our ability to resonate to the thoughts and feelings of others. Coming up: Beyond clichés to genuine listening skills and greater human intimacy…..
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