It’s a common theme we find in many relationships. Good women. You know the type who cook & clean, remain faithful to their boyfriend at all costs, supports the man financially, gives him control of her car, and deals with unacceptable behavior on a daily basis. All the while, her boyfriend is constantly cheating on her, not contributing to the household, doesn’t even have a job (aside from some illegal activity) is putting the woman down verbally, and may even abuse her PHYSICALLY on occasion. Now, some would call this a STUPID girl, who stays in a situation like this. I’d say she’s just making a stupid DECISION.
Look at what you’re putting into a relationship. Then look at what your partner puts in. Is it equal? Is it even CLOSE to being equal? If it’s not, you need to evaluate your relationship and decide whether or not it’s worth it. Why are you staying faithful to a man who’s cheating on you? Why are you supporting a man (AND YOURSELF, which is ALREADY hard) when he’s not helping you at ALL? Why is he taking your car and dropping you off at work, just to go joyriding? Sounds more like a BOY than a boyFRIEND. And it sounds like you’re being USED more than you’re being LOVED. Is that what you want? You may love HIM, but it’s obviously not mutual if he’s cheating on you or beating you. And all the love in the world isn’t an excuse to be stupid. You have to respect YOURSELF before you can respect a man, OR expect HIM to respect you. And if he can walk all over you without any consequences, why would he respect you?
Now, I am by NO MEANS suggesting you not to be a good WOMAN. What I AM suggesting is to make sure the guy is WORTH it first. If he’s a good man, be a great woman. If he’s a lousy man, you shouldn’t be his woman at all. A lot of women work SO hard to please a man who barely gives them any attention or appreciation. They figure that if they just do enough, or love him enough, he’ll begin to see what he has and start to change into a better person. He WON’T. One thing you have to realize: YOU CAN’T CHANGE A MAN. So don’t try. And don’t allow him to play with your emotions just to get what he wants, either. It’s called manipulation. And why would a man who truly loves you need, or even WANT to manipulate you? The longer you accept this bad behavior, the harder it’ll be to realize that you SHOULDN’T. And next thing you know, you’ll be the girl crying that you “put up with it for three years” and regret every second of it.
The HARD part is, how to STOP this behavior. You’re in love, you’ve been together for a while, and you’re used to the relationship, so you deal. That’s not the way to go. Nothing will change, if YOU don’t change. But again, HOW? That’s the question. Well, first off, it requires determination, and inner strength. How sick ARE you of this no good man and your shitty relationship? Are you sick enough to put a stop to it, by any means necessary? If you’re NOT, I can’t help you. If you ARE, read on…
1: Set some ground rules.
If your man is used to getting away with murder, he will likely laugh at you for suddenly growing a backbone. And he WILL TEST you. The key is, not to fail the test. If you say he will NO longer walk all over you, you must stick to it. Which brings me to point #2.
2: Let there be consequences for his actions.
If he takes your car, and doesn’t bring it back by a certain time (specified by you) he won’t borrow it again. Period. If he can’t remember that that is YOUR property, you REMIND him of it by forbidding him to take it again, until he can prove to you that he can respect your generosity.
If hits you, call the police. I know, I know, you may not WANT to call the police. But you should, and here’s why: Horrible actions that go unpunished will always get worse. So yea, call the cops. The first time this happens, the man will likely do one of two things. Threaten you, or apologize, because he doesn’t want to stay in jail. If you choose to drop the charges, you let it be KNOWN that if he touches you again, for ANY reason, you will send him STRAIGHT to prison, with NO remorse. No apologies, no sweet talking you into dropping the charges. You did that once, and he was spared. If he appreciates his freedom, he needs to keep his hands to himself. If not, he’s done. Period.
If you catch him cheating, end the relationship, and kick him out of the house if he lives with you. (Don’t say he won’t leave, because there are police escorts for this sort of thing.) If he wants you back, he needs to EARN your trust again (assuming you even WANT him back.) This means NO sex. That’s the first step to letting your guard down and letting him back in. DON’T DO IT.
If he disrespects your parents/family, don’t allow it. Assuming you have a good family who’s always there for you, don’t risk losing them by defending your loser boyfriend. Because at this point, your family and friends are probably the only people keeping you SANE while you deal with the headache and heartache of your tumultuous relationship. Don’t let a man ruin that, especially if he’s not worth the fall out.
3: Stick to your decisions.
If a man does something wrong, and you only stay mad for two days before all is forgiven, he knows he can do it again. People don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. Therefore, if he does something bad enough to be dumped or kicked out, don’t forgive him after a few days or a week. He hasn’t learned his lesson.
If your asshole BF starts apologizing and swearing he’ll change once you break up with him, it’s not true. THIS IS NORMAL, and should be EXPECTED. He’s saying this because he can’t believe you actually ended the relationship. He now realizes how good he had it with you and wants it back. However, within a week or two of him GETTING you back, he will once again revert back to his old ways. Why? Because he’s comfortable again. It’s a pattern that will continue, for as long as you allow it.
About the Author: Jason Love, a Michigan native, has been giving relationship advice for several years. After dating women of all ages, and from all different areas, he has garnered enough experience to put some of his knowledge to good use for the rest of the world. His practicality, and logical perspective on the different issues has made this an enjoyable pastime for him. He loves being able to help both men and women, and perhaps even be able to bring some of them with common goals together.
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