We’re heading into a season that can bring up a mix of emotions for lots of people. The holidays are pretty “loaded.” Energy flies at this time of year. Everyone is in a hurry, trying to get their shopping done; it’s easy to get stressed out. And amid the hustle and bustle, many people get lonely. It’s darker earlier; it’s getting cold outside. It’s easy to feel left out, isolated, and hopeless, whatever your partnership status.

If you’ve also had relationship challenges in the past at this time of year, the holidays may be a time you consider with trepidation. Auld Lang Syne, right? If you are in a relationship, you may have expectations of what should happen, you may want things to go your way, you may get disappointed, sulk, or pout with your partner. If you are single, you may feel alone, doomed, and hurt; or you may desperately search for a date. No matter what partnership situation you are in, the holiday season can trigger a mixture of feelings.

But there is a different way to look at the holidays. If you take the time to re-conceptualize the next few weeks, you can envision the promise that this time of year presents. The holidays actually give you an opportunity to truly love. There is magic in this whirlwind of a season, you just need to nurture it.

If you are in a partnership, make the season special for your partner and for yourself by doing something out of the ordinary: taking in a play, going rock climbing together, or giving each other a massage. If you are single, plan some wonderful simple pleasure like dinner with friends, seeing that Hollywood blockbuster everyone is talking about, or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath with a good book. (This is a great idea when holiday madness really hits. Even if you have to carve out the time—it’s worth it!) And it’s also important to remember that no matter what happens or what your status around partnership is, your bottom line can be — Love Yourself. That’s the gift that will keep on giving.

But don’t get me wrong. I know this is a tall order for lots of people during the next month and a half. Almost everyone has a holiday horror story or two, whether you are with someone or not. There are lots of ways challenges pop up at the holidays.

People who are single may meet with comments about partnership status that can be very uncomfortable, like your tactless aunt who says, “Why don’t you ever bring a date when you come to see me?” or  the person one desk over who keeps hinting that they are free for the company party. You really can get it from every angle at this time of year, and that’s enough to make anyone say ‘Bah-Humbug.’ But if this is the case, plan your response to parents, relatives, co-workers, and even friends. Set your boundaries high and keep your expectations low. Remember that everyone is feeling holiday stress. If all else fails, just walk away if necessary!

For people who are in partnerships, the holidays can also bring several juicy issues to the surface. Meeting your partner’s family, dealing with overzealous in-laws, handling family finances, trying to meet the needs of others, staying connected emotionally to the person in your life, and being present for yourself can present very real challenges. Instead of making another person play guessing games, state what you want in your relationship. Communicate, set boundaries, negotiate. If you need to be alone, take the space you need. If you need connection with other people, take the steps to get your needs met. Remember that you deserve to enjoy this season.

Another suggestion if you are feeling really raw right now is to make a decision to celebrate YOURSELF. The holidays are a special time. Joy, elegance, flowers, cake, special music, and good friends can make you feel terrific and appreciated. Whatever is going on in your life during this wild time, you are a reason to celebrate. With gratitude for all the miracles you have in your life, enjoy yourself! You are worth it.

“It seems that my girlfriend will make plans with everyone else and not me, and then if her friends ask her to do something and we were planning something she will hang with them instead. It seems like she is forgetting me. What should I do and should i be worried?”

- Dakota

Our Experts Responded:

Dakota,

you are just not as fun as her friends.  Women judge, not on looks, but on safety.  It’s not a decision they make but the power of evolution.  They are powerless so to speak.  You need to begin to implement the push/pull idea to build her attraction for you.  In this way she will want to hang out with you more.

You must appear to be having more fun than her.  When she breaks plans with you to hang out with others…go out without her.  Then tell her the story of how much fun you had.  But not as a big deal, or implying that you wish she had been there, rather it was just a few hours of fun because “that’s how you roll!”

Tease her more.  You know how to tease, right?  Well do it…a lot!

Whatever happens…pretend like you don’t care much about it.  She yells…who cares?  She wants to hang with her friends…good, it’ll give you time to hang out with your cool friends.   She wants to go to the Zoo Lights…only if she’ll ask nicely…and if she doesn’t…go yourself and tell her about the people you talked to and how much fun it was.

I’m not here to tell you it’s going to be all better or that it’s okay that you don’t build attraction.  You can get plenty of advice about how to make yourself feel better about what you don’t do well.  I’m only here to talk about what will work.  Trust me, I don’t care even a little bit about your feelings.

If you can get past the feelings you’re having that you are in the right, that this might cause you to lose her, and that it’s not your fault then you might be able a journey that will take you to an amazing place.

- Dan Hitt

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Dear Dakota:

Sounds like you’re her security blanket, someone to fill the hole in her soul that opens up when she’s not sure if she has a place in the world. You’re a comfort but you’re not the real action; the real action is out in the world. Probably she’s just not ready for a committed relationship. You’re not going to be able to change that. Only her personal growth can change that. If you’re looking for someone you can make a serious commitment to, look elsewhere. Alternatively, you can accept her as she is; develop your own social life, exploring other possible connections; and give her the relationship she is giving you.  Of course, that might reduce the comfort she takes from you, hastening the end of the relationship. That would be OK. Better than a rather unhealthy relationship where she takes you for granted and you resent it.

- Wise Old Man

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Dear Dakota,

I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. She’s just not that into you.

You didn’t provide much information. I’m basing my advice on what you’ve written about her actions.

For the most part, girls act out their feelings. If we really like a guy, most of us will ditch our girlfriends if there’s a chance of hanging out with a guy we like. A hard truth to swallow, but swallow it we must girls.

If I were you, I’d prepare myself for the dumping that seems to be sure to come.

You’ll know when a girl is truly into you. She’ll want to be with you, every chance she gets.

- Blanca

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Dear Dakota:

If your girlfriend is not spending time with you and breaks plans with you to hang out with her friends, this may be a good indicator of her level of interest in the relationship.  There are people, both male and female who like knowing that they have a girlfriend or boyfriend as a safety net and therefore stay in the relationship, especially if a lot of time has been invested.  It sounds like you each may have a different idea or definition of what boyfriend/girlfriend means.  You should consider talking to her about it.  You should also think about what you want out of a relationship and if there are other aspects that are good; such as sex, intimacy, shared activities etc.  And when you do spend time together is it enjoyable, boring, do you get along, argue, etc. Ask yourself if the amount of time you spend together has changed since the beginning of your relationship. Again, talk to her and ask her questions to see what is going on. Communication is key when your expectations are different than what you are getting. Once you clarify things and determine if you are willing to accept where things are then you can make a clear decision about whether you stay in the relationship or not or change the status and/or expectations, if you two have been exclusive.

- Robbie Lee

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Dear Dakota,

Yes, be worried.  But I think you are worried about the wrong thing.  You should be worried about yourself and you lack of self-esteem.  I have to wonder, why you want so much to be with someone who appears to have little interest in being with you?  It is clear that this girl wants to be with her friends more than with you.  You should spend your time doing things that interest you, things that you enjoy.  You will only be happy when you are with someone who genuinely “gets” you, and who wants to be with you for yourself.

- Dawn Antonis

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Dear Dakota,

First and above all the important things you need to remember is that once a person gets out of the “high school” age, where everything revolves around the BF they try to over compensate with keeping their friends very close as so they don’t loose them. It sounds to me as if your girl is insecure about her friends and that you she is secure about. Instead of complaining join her in her fun with her friends, this way you can both hang and be around friends.

Love and Light

- Lavender Green

Making love is the act of having sex that involves a certain level of intimacy and emotion. Raw sex is the act of having wild, passionate, uninhibited, animalistic sex, while not introducing a lot of “heart” emotion or emotions triggered by thought. Raw sex can be really hot. Although once the act of raw sex is over, emotions may sweep in and take you over. If you are in a committed relationship or exclusively dating, having both at different times is a great way to keep your sex life interesting.

Speaking to the men, sometimes your lady wants you to dominate her (trust me), take her, and give her just raw sex. Taking her when she least expects it can be really hot. Maybe while she’s cooking or doing some other house chore or when you go to pick her up to take her to the movies. For example, she answers the door and you passionately take her in your arms and tell her how hot you are for her. And ladies, your man wants the same from you sometimes. Our daily lives are sometimes overly stressful and giving your partner pleasure through raw sex without the complication of emotional intensity can be a treat for the both of you. Don’t be afraid to introduce some of your fantasies into your raw sex either. Everyone has deep seeded fantasies and this would be a great opportunity to share them with your partner.

Making love is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong, especially when you do have really strong feelings for your partner. However, sometimes its nice to just enjoy the pure pleasure of having wild, hot sex.

Let’s talk about a dog’s life, then. Maybe we are wrong by comparing them to men, if we are trying to make men feel bad. Dogs live a good life, and we have a lot to learn from them.

Dogs:

1. Care Deeply
2. Show affection
3. Run to greet loved one’s
4. Are always up for a joy-ride
5. Thrive on attention
6. Let people get close to them
7. Lie on the grass on a warm day
8. Take shade when it’s sunny
9. Drink water when it’s hot
10. Dance when they’re excited
11. Love a long walk
12. Are Loyal
13. Never pretend to be something they’re not
14. Love fresh air in their face
15. Never bite if a small bark will do

Wow! Is that what the life of a dog is? Maybe we need to learn more from a dog. Next time your spouse comes home, run to greet them, show your excitement to see them, spend time with them, and consider how much you really love and care about them. If they are having a bad day…be a dog….just sit close to them, and listen to them, keeping your silence and showing compassion.

Enjoy your life! Enjoy the simple things it offers, and the company you share it with. If what you want is buried, then be a dog…dig until you find it. If you are a man, the next time you are called a dog, think of whether or not you are really living your life like a dog. If you aren’t, then start! If you are, then smile and say thank you.

Be a dog today, whether you are man or a woman. And thank your furry little buddies for helping you to understand what a great model they are.

The first thing that may come to your mind is the notion that I’m talking about name-calling that involves swear words or profane language. The reality is that hurtful name-calling doesn’t require profane language. Calling someone an “idiot,” for example, can have a long-lasting consequence in a relationship.

The problem during arguments occurs when one or both begin name-calling and use blanket terms to describe the other. Saying to someone “you’re such a…” or exclaiming “what a…” sums the other up in a negative way and dismisses them altogether. While some people can brush off names and defend against feeling hurt by them, others feel particularly sensitive to this. In fact, being called a name by someone you know can cause hurt that exacerbates the pre-existing argument. In this case, you’ve got even more to fight about.

A good rule of thumb as you’re arguing is to try to stay focused on the very thing you started arguing about in the first place. Name calling simply creates more problems and adds new things to argue about. Ultimately, each person ends up feeling more angry and hurt, and so they seek refuge in private corners.

When you’re having an argument, let yourself express your feelings but try to keep your eye on the ball. When it comes to the person you are arguing with, you will most likely still maintain a relationship with them after the argument is over. Accordingly, you need to avoid name-calling and learn to argue more responsibly.

“Basically, I think my boyfriend is being really pissy over something I didn’t think was a big deal. We were talking the other day about sports we no longer take part in but used to enjoy and I mentioned that I used to do judo in college and was pretty good, even though I only received a beginner’s yellow belt.

He thought this was hilarious because I’m tall and blond and weigh around 125lbs, and I guess he didn’t think that a pretty girl could fight her way out of a paper bag, much less do a martial art.

So when he got done laughing at me (he really was laughing) I challenged him to a wrestling match. Long story short, I used some timely leg sweeps and wrist throws to send him to the floor a few times, and after a while he got so tired out that his strength advantage was gone, and I was able to pin him.

Well, I figured he would have learned his lesson, but he’s totally bent out of shape about it…he’s been pouty and obnoxious ever since the match and keeps challenging me to a rematch, saying I got lucky, and that he wasn’t trying hard…all this stuff to protect his macho ego.

So what do I do? Give him a rematch and let him win? (He would totally rub it in my face and say things like “I told you women can’t fight”). Or agree to a rematch and try my best again, risking another blow to his ego if he loses? Or just refuse and tell him to deal with it? (I’ve tried that last option and he just won’t let it go).

Lucia–have YOU ever beaten a guy at something physical and had him react this way?
Please advise!”

- Jennie

Our Expert Responded:
 
Bad idea to wrestle and win with your boyfriend.  Men need to feel manly and strong.  You made him feel like a pussy and now he wants a rematch in order to prove he isn’t one.  There’s no easy solution to this.  Whatever choice you make, it sounds like you’ll never hear the end of it.  I can’t tell you what to do in this case.  You’re going to have to follow your heart.
 
In the future, remember guys want to be with women because they are the opposite of them, meaning, they (the women) are not men.  Stop wrestling guys.  So what if you can beat them?  In the end, they will not be more attracted to you, so you will be the one who is losing.
 
- Lucia

“I’ve been married for 3 years and I have 2 kids 1 boy and 1 girl. The past 1 year I have felt like my husband is just not interested in me and he has not made me feel special . He comes from work at 6pm and showers, eats then he goes and hangs out with his friends playing cards. I know 100% he is not cheating on me he still wants to have sex with me, but he does not make me feel like I am special and we don’t have any communications together. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? I have thought about leaving him, but I don’t want my children to live with out a father like I did. It’s so hard for me. What do you think I should do?”

- Zena

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Zena,

You write,”He does not make me feel like I am special.”  Let me be ruthless and frank: is that his job? What if he went around saying,”my wife just does not make me feel special. Boo hoo,” and
expected you, in addition to raising children, doing housework, enduring your own existential questions and dreams put on hold, to take on the whole arduous task of making him “feel special?”

And maybe that’s part of the problem.  Maybe he wastes his time playing cards because he doesn’t feel he’s worthwhile, doesn’t have a handle on HIS mission in life.  You are both very young.  Trying to keep the family body and soul together at the same time you both have to stuff down your own unfulfilled needs–well, this is enough to leave you both wrung out and not feeling so awfully bloody “special.”

You can’t make him–not on any enduring basis–feel (within the very core of his being) that he’s important, needed, special, worthwhile etc. And he can’t “do it” for you.

It’s tough with kids at home, but in the day of the internet, and given your resourcefulness in contacting “LoveDetour,” I’d think YOU could discover and set about expressing your own individuality, your special gift.

Blog. Get involved with an activist forum–children’s or animal’s welfare, politics, women’s issues, historic house preservation… Use the internet to study a language or become an expert on the burgeoning crisis of treatment-resistant TB around the globe.

Find out about certificate programs at your local college. Even if you can’t commit to a course of study right now, you can start exploring your options for when the kids get older. Or take a free, short-term, distance-learning course for now and see how you like a little study in the evenings when hub is playing the card shark.

I guarantee that you will get more of a sense of who you are and what you are capable of than anyone else in the world can ever impart to you.  You will be interesting because you get interested.

Like magic, your hub will notice.  He will want on the bandwagon of this new energy his wife is giving off. He might balance his card playing with nights he bones up on some area for a job promotion. He might take up poetry writing.

Then you will both be interesting to each other. You won’t have enough hours in the day, what with studying arcane subjects, fighting TB around the globe on your laptop, raising kids and working, and indulging your passionate, newfound interest in MARRIAGE, to brood about what you CAN’T do for each other.

So gal–get busy.  Stop wondering.  Stop asking.  Start BEING special.  Your kids will thank you one day for your good example.

YOU GO GIRL!

- HalciAnn

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Dear Zena,

The easy-to-say answer is, become a more interesting person, but trying to become more interesting for someone else is usually futile. Your best strategy is to become more interesting to yourself. You must keep growing mentally and emotionally. This way, regardless of whether your husband begins to crave your company (in addition to your body), you will be of interest to yourself. For some men, loving a woman and enjoying her company are not synomymous. What concerns me more is that your husband is not spending more time in the evenings with his children. Ask him if he would be willing to do so. If he refuses, your parenting burden becomes that much greater–and your need for mental stimulation will increase accordingly.
 
- Wise Old Man

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Dear Zena,

I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling, but you can get through this.  You need to address what it is you hope for in your relationship.  Do you want to stay?  If you stay, what would you like to see change?

In order for change to happen, you have to start with you first.  It’s just makes sense that we can’t go changing other people, but we can change us.  I’m in no way putting blame on you, just letting you know that you probably aren’t perfect.  This doesn’t mean cave in to his every need; if you do that, he will only take advantage of you.

Write out your relationship profile.  What is your dream marriage like? Be specific.  Now write out what it is like today.  Highlight the differences and develop a plan to reach your goals.  Express these desires to your husband, not in a nagging way, but in a loving way.  Start with praise, how happy you were when you met him, and how you love being a part of his life.

You have to stroke a man’s ego.  Men are competitive, so you have to make him feel like he has “won” by having you in his life.  When he begins to feel this way, he will begin to share things with you and your communication will pick up, and you WILL have a more dynamic relationship built to last a lifetime!

- Brandon Grittini

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Zena,
 
The best way to reach his ear in this situation is through the written word.  “When you’re writing you have ample time to express yourself and your viewpoints” (Cipher of Life - revised).  Write him a letter and give it to him, better yet mail it to him without your return address on it.  You must find a way to have him listen to your concerns.  Let him know how you feel.  “The palest ink is better than the best memory” (Chinese Proverb).  Make sure you are very detailed about your concerns in your letter, proofread it and then proofread it again.  “Your thoughts on paper are some of the purest expressions you can make.  Mostly because you are thinking before you speak and having an opportunity to perfect what you say.  Being able to take things back after you proofread them can be valuable.  It’ll keep you from blurting things out in the heat of the moment and stop you from hurting feelings” (Cipher of Life - revised).  Make sure that what you are saying is what you want to say.  Make every word resonate and try not to sound like a nag.  Respect his rights and space, but address your concerns.  You could mention the effects of his absence on the kids and how they adore his company.  There are ways to mention your concerns but in a good way.  Be creative but respectful, subtle but effective.  “Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret” (Laurence J. Peter).    

There is always two sides to every story and I wonder if there is something that he needs that you aren’t providing for him.  Rarely is most relational problems strictly caused by one person, it takes two. 

Hang in there, problems will arise in relationships but your relationship will be defined by how you handle those problems, by whether you fight for your spouse or give up on them.  Keep at it, be persistent, and don’t give up on your relationship before you have had the time to really enjoy it.  Relationships are give and take, trial and error, failure and triumph.  Many people quit on their relationships before they have had time to grow past the problems which will make them stronger.  People do not realize that it is precisely those problems you work through, which eventually strengthens the bond.  Look at it like a real estate transaction for example.  If you saw the house of your dreams up for sale but the walls were painted a hideous color, would that be a deal breaker or would you find a way to work past that and maybe paint those walls at a later date?  Well, this is similar to your relationship, this should not be a deal breaker but it should be an opportunity to find a way to compromise or paint the walls so to speak.  Don’t lose or destroy your dream house.  This is my advice, and I hope it helps.  Keep your head up, trouble doesn’t last always; the sun also shines tomorrow.  Keep me posted.  

For more advice on this subject and other issues you can find in my book, “Cipher of Life.”
 
- Cinique’

Here’s what I told her:

Both your religion and your love for your husband live in your heart. Your heart is now torn, bereft of the great peace it discovered with marriage. After all, when two people sharing the same faith fall in love, it’s truly transcendent, calling forth our highest nobility of soul.

Now an even higher truth, the truth of personal growth, has come snaking into the garden. Chill? Your restraint with words is remarkable. This change in your husband has the potential to do far more than chill the relationship; it can kill it.

You can start with some damage control. I’d begin developing some empathy for your husband. Bob has passed through a dark night of the soul. Did you notice? He has faced down the great Nobodaddy, the God archetype, the prime mover of heaven and earth.

Bob is like Cain now, exiled from the congregation. Self-imposed exile, true. But don’t give him too much credit for willing the break. More likely, subterranean needs for authenticity and autonomy drove him to it. That’s how it was for me.

I remember how I quaked at the thought of having to tell my father, a minister turned lawyer, that I no longer believed the Christian dogma. I was 20. He had met me at the airport and we were driving home; I had just completed my second year of college. Before I could get a word out, he confessed that he had stopped going to church himself.

Something about your question disturbs me. You mentioned your social life first, then your relationship. Are those your true priorities? If so, your empathy is stunted. Focus on Bob for the time being. How is he holding up without the comforting rituals, instruction and social life a church can bring?

You’re his best friend. He needs to see and feel that your love is unconditional. Is it? That’s what he promised you—unconditional love. He didn’t promise to remain the same person, unchanging, as long as you both shall live.

This may sound like chauvinistic, insensitive advice, but I recommend you stop thinking about yourself for a few weeks, and instead focus on him. Worry about his mental health. Reassure him that you value his freedom and desire to be “real” more than any social life, outside relationships, religious rituals, etc.

Bob’s growth can be your blessing. Few things in life are more rewarding than sharing your life with someone who is genuine, knows himself, and fights to keep it that way. If you support him fully in his desire to be real, he will view you rightly as the greatest asset in his life.

If you seek to impede his growth, however, you are on the side of the devil. This is a hard thing to accept when you have strong and heart-felt religious beliefs. You’re like a lifeguard watching someone drown. How can you sit back and watch your soul mate sink into sin and lose the hope of salvation?

Answer: It’s none of your business. That’s a brutal fact, but it’s a fact. What your husband believes and how he manifests those beliefs is no one’s business but his.

About the Author: The Wise Old Man is a 62-year-old veteran of 30 years of marriage. He and his wife have raised two children. He works as a writer and editor in Northern California.

So I ask those I counsel why? Why do so many need to have this item and come on ladies there are other beautiful gems out there to choose from, but it seems that the answer I keep getting from most of the women is, “ It’s to show how much he loves me” “OH PLEASE” if he didn’t love you he wouldn’t have asked, Right! So ladies start focusing on what is important in a relationship and stop putting pressure on the man who loves you.

Now as I said it’s not all women who seem to do this ritual, but those who still practice this need to step back and realize that the correct tradition was to give a gift of love and uniqueness. Not to out do your friends. So in this I say in today’s world lets focus on the important items, focus on your significant other giving you something from the heart, something you know he spent time thinking about and no matter how big or how small. Remember it’s a symbol of love, a circle, no beginning no end, so keep it string free and it to shall last a lifetime.

Love and Light Lav

]]> http://advice.lovedetour.com/lgreen/love-measured-in-ring-size-oh-please.html/feed http://advice.lovedetour.com/Admin/aoe-my-wife-is-cheating-on-me-with-her-coworker.html http://advice.lovedetour.com/Admin/aoe-my-wife-is-cheating-on-me-with-her-coworker.html#comments Thu, 13 Nov 2008 13:00:33 +0000 Admin http://advice.lovedetour.com/?p=970 Devastated Asked:

“My wife is cheating on me with her coworker and I found out about it 8 days ago. I am devastated and don”t know what to do. We have a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old girl, and her coworker is also supposed to be our friend. My wife has allowed this to go on since summer and has brought him to our family. My wife is under a lot of stress at work. Her father is terminally ill, and her mother is in detox for Alcohol. She truly is a great woman, and I am in shock as to how my life got to this point. I am lost?”

- Devastated

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Devastated,

There’s no question that what you are going through is an incredibly upsetting and challenging experience. When something of this magnitude occurs, it is critical to take some time to breathe and to resist the urge to react impulsively. Healing the wound that infidelity causes requires long-term work. Whether you want to stay ion your relationship is a decision that only you can make when you are hurt in this way. You and your partner must ultimately have a conversation in which you decide together whether you want to try to do the work and repair the relationship. If you choose to do so, I encourage you to seek out a couples counselor and/or find a good book on coping with infidelity. You can find such a book online, at outlets such as Amazon.com, or perhaps at your local bookstore.

- Dr. Seth

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Dear Devastated,

I recommend patience. Until her world has settled down, your wife is unable to think clearly and feel authentically; she’s in a chaotic state psychically. Your best course is to 1) maintain your own mental health by finding a regular source of counseling; 2) support and reassure the children, who are no doubt suffering from growing anxiety; 3) support your wife in all her suffering and confusion, making it clear that you are committed to the marriage and to her happiness. She needs you now for stability despite her apparent dependency on someone else for intimacy. Whether her affair will grow into a new commitment, replacing her bond with you, remains to be seen. Give her all the help you can, as she defines it, despite your jealousy, which is real, brutal and painful. Don’t deny the jealousy you feel, but don’t act on it either. Endure it. This is a test of your love for your spouse, and you are bound to her until she has absolutely severed the tie.

- Wise Old man

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Devastated,

you’ve given me what is actually a completely useless list of information. Mother in detox, father terminal, wife under stress, blah, blah, blah. Let me reword this as is should be and then I’ll get on to what you can do. Ready? “My wife is cheating on me.” Finished! None of the rest of it matters except to you. You want all the rest of it to matter, after all you’ve spent years thinking it does, but, sadly, it does NOT. To imply that you owe her anything or that she owes you anything is simply not true. You must learn to live in the moment and leave the past behind!

I’m going to put this simply to you and you’re not going to like it but I’m going to do it anyway. This is completely your fault. And like I always say, the good news is that it’s completely your fault…so you can fix it! It’s no fault of yours (or hers) that you’re lost, but it will be your fault if, after I tell you how to fix it, you ignore what will work and instead do what makes YOU feel better about yourself.

She is no longer attracted to you. But you can fix that. But you have to be willing to give up a lot of the things that you’ve believed in. If you can’t, if you find that rather than winning this woman back you only want to console yourself as you decide that it’s not your fault (it is) then just stop reading.

If you want to go on then start with the idea that you’re no fun. Women are not attracted to looks…I know that might sound crazy to you but it’s true. Women are attracted to safety, evolution has taught them that they need the protection of a male and they will attempt to choose the best possible choice. How do they go about choosing? Well, their primary gage is fun. Think about it…when do you have fun? Only when you’re safe. They go hand in hand so women have learned to judge one by judging the other.

If she’s not constantly thinking about you then, to her, you are NOT fun. But you can get back to that. And we’ll go into some of that here. I want you to begin by saying this to her, “You know what? I’ve forgotten how much fun I used to be. I’m going to get back to being that fun guy again.”

Boom! Now you can begin to break a lot of rules and if she questions it, remind her that you’re getting back to that fun guy you used to be! With a big smile on, of course. Now come to terms with the idea that what I’m about to tell you may cause you to lose her. This is integral to the solution. You don’t have any value to her, people only value things when they can lose them. You’re certainly valuing her right now, but that doesn’t help you at all, what you need is for her to value you again!

How can you do that? First, you’re going to want her to quit or promise not to see him or something along those lines. Stop! It will NOT help! I don’t care what you think…it will NOT help! Do not attempt to control women…ever! It destroys their attraction for you. Instead create enough attraction that they WANT to please you! We’ll get back to what you want to do here but first we need to create a lot more attraction. Learn to talk to her like an Alpha Male by reading my article: Power Words. Becoming more Alpha Male-like is the goal you’re after and if you don’t understand quite why read the article The Secret Power of the Alpha Male to Create Uncontrollable Reactions in Women.

Smile! Do everything with a smile. I don’t care if it feels fake, phony, or shoddy to you…do it and do it a lot. Trust me, she won’t be able to tell the difference. The smile is the first sign of fun!

If you can, buy some new clothes, but don’t buy what you always buy, she’s seen that look before. Instead learn to dress like an Alpha Male. That means flashy. Get the sales person to help you out, explain that you want to get a little risky and look a little younger. She’ll understand. Flashy isn’t you? You’re not being true to yourself? Blah, blah, blah. If you’re not man enough to do what gets results then you’re just wasting everyone’s time.

“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten!”

Kino! That means touching. Start with very small things. But there’s a way to do it right. While telling a story or a joke, reach out and lightly touch a forearm or shoulder. Then bring it back. Do this every few minutes (remembering to smile!) until you’ve built up enough connection to take hold of a hand or arm…again hold for just a second…never try to control a woman, that only destroys attraction. Do this all the time. The touch will trigger attraction. The more things you do to trigger attraction the more she will be attracted to you!

Push/Pull! If she likes thing A, then you automatically like thing B. Then lightly tease her about thing A. If you speak like you know what you’re talking about then she will want to agree with you (even if she knows you’re wrong!) just to please you. If you give her something, immediately take it away. Hand her a napkin and then snatch it away, “Give me that!” (smile!) This demonstrates that you are in control of your surroundings and can ignore social rules whenever you please. This includes compliments…”I love your hair!…but I liked it when it was shorter even better.” (smile!)

When she complains about the treatment do NOT give in! She will begin to ask you questions…”Do you love me?”, “Do you think this will work?”, “Why should we go on?” and so on. Your natural response is to answer them in some way. Don’t do it! It’s not how you answer…it’s if you answer! A true Alpha Male has no need to answer her questions and not answering will frustrate her (keep smiling) but it will also build her attraction for you. It will also terrify you! You’ll want nothing more than to give her the answers she’s looking for…you must decide what you want: a friend or… a lover and a friend.

Remember, if you want to build a house correctly you get someone to do it that knows how to build houses. This is the same. You want to think it’s different, but it’s not. You must build attraction, you must throw the fun word around…a lot!

superselective@gmail.com

- Dan Hitt

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Dear Devastated-

People cheat for different reasons, but ultimately they step outside of the relationship to fulfill needs that are missing with you. Based on your story, I’m guessing that she is closer with her father than her mother. That said, she has very masculine emotional qualities, and they likely cause a lot of conflict with you because she is such a strong woman.

When she’s with her father, she can be daddy’s little girl, but with you, she feels the need to be dominate. I’m also guessing that you are very caring, and loving, and are in touch with feminine emotions.

You need to stand up and be strong, be the man. Let her be the little girl she needs to be. The reason she isn’t the little girl is because she feels she has to be strong for you.

There is no doubt she is a great woman, and you, I’m sure, are a great husband. But you both have to take your natural roles in the relationship. You can only work on you first, and when she see’s the change into the man you are, she will change as well.

Focus on making her number one in your life, being the rock she can depend on. This will satisfy her need for certainty, that you will always be there. Also focus on making her feel significance. She needs to feel important to you. That is why she is stepping out of the relationship. She is not sure if you will be there for her, and she doesn’t feel important and significant to you.

Don’t run when fights happen. Be a man. Listen to her. Stick around. Show her you will be there no matter what, and that you can take criticism. For more help on human needs, view my article on LoveDetour.com. You can also learn more tips by joining my free newsletter at www.CheatingSpousesRevealed.com

- Brandon Grittini

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Devastated,

I understand your pain. This is truly an eye opening experience, but not one that is without resolve. Conflict in most relationships often makes the relationship stronger as long as both parties agree to work past differences and solve the problems. Cheating in itself is not normally a relationship ender if you don’t want it to be. The first question you should address is whether or not you still love her and wish to continue your relationship with her. If the answer to your question is no, then what you should do should be obvious, (a PEACEFUL dissolution). I say peaceful because your children are involved and the more immaturity you can shield them and yourself from, the better.

Here is a revised excerpt that I feel may be helpful, it is from my book: “Cipher of Life - revised”

You can believe me or not but most women will not cheat on their spouses if they are being satisfied at home. Bold statement I know, but true. Most animals will not stray far from where it is getting all of its needs met, so keep that in mind. If your woman has cheated on you then you need to take a look at what you aren’t giving her that she feels she needs to get somewhere else. Not taking any responsibility off of women because cheating is wrong all together, but it is my belief that if satisfied most times a woman will not wonder. And if your woman has cheated she is in misery because she really didn’t want to; she had a need that wasn’t being met and sought help to meet that need. Forgive her, find out what her needs are, supply those needs, and move on; it’s that simple. “Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings” (Euripides).

On the flip side of your situation though, I sense that you are still in love with her but you’re having trouble understanding what you have done to prompt these actions or why she would violate your sacred bond, your relationship, and disrespect you and your children. There are many reasons we can entertain as to why, but only you can get the answers to those questions by asking her what it is that you aren’t giving her that she feels she needs to get from somewhere else. At some juncture in your relationship something has changed and has driven her away. She is starving for something that she isn’t getting from you, so you must figure out what this is and start giving it to her immediately. Once you find out what it is and give it to her, the relationship should get even better than it was before this all started.

Let me also say that it is not all your fault, but it isn’t all her fault either. Both of you have a hand in this, and it will take both of you to work through it. The key here is to be calm, collect, and use discretion when addressing this issue. Any negative comments or hostility may drive her away permanently. Only during this calm will she tell you what the root problem is. This is your ultimate goal; to figure out what need she has that he is filling for her that you are not. Once you find out what it is, you must come to an agreement to correct it. Then you try your hardest to correct it. Do not hold a grudge, forgive her and let it go. Don’t hold it over her head because it’ll only drive her away. Let her hold her own guilt on the inside, it’ll be an excellent internal check and balance for her. You cannot condemn her any better than she can condemn herself in this instance. Her family issues and work related stress could possibly be contributing to her problems but we all have those types of problems and have to deal with them without cheating and she can too.

Just guessing here but it could be that during all this stress and family problems, she could want to talk about it and be consoled, but she may feel like she cannot depend on your sympathetic ear. So she finds this sympathetic ear elsewhere. Think about it. Hang in there, problems will arise in relationships but your relationship will be defined by how you handle those problems, will you fight for your spouse or give up on them. Keep at it, be persistent, and don’t give up on your relationship before you have had the time to really enjoy it. Relationships are give and take, trial and error, failure and triumph. Many people quit on their relationships before they have had time to grow past the problems which will make them stronger. People do not realize that it is precisely those problems you work through, which eventually strengthens the bond. Look at it like a real estate transaction for example. If you saw the house of your dreams up for sale but the walls were painted a hideous color, would that be a deal breaker or would you find a way to work past that and maybe paint those walls at a later date? Well, this is similar to your relationship, this should not be a deal breaker but it should be an opportunity to find a way to compromise or paint the walls so to speak. Don’t lose or destroy your dream house. This is my advice, and I hope it helps. Keep your head up, trouble doesn’t last always; the sun also shines tomorrow. Keep me posted.

For more advice on this subject and other issues you can find in my book, “Cipher of Life”

- Cinique’