All couples fight. This is only normal. The ability to maintain a happy, healthy relationship however will be lost if you fight to be “right”. What do I mean by this? We have all heard the expression: “You can win the battle but lose the war”. Well this is what happens when we fight with our eye focused on winning the battle at all costs. We are relentless in the heated exchanges with our partner until we get them to admit we were “right” about whatever issue we are arguing about – and they are “wrong”. And now you think you have won, right? Not so fast.
What do you mean? I just got my partner to admit I was right and they were wrong. I won. The difficulty with this “win” is by the time your partner has conceded you were “right”; your hard fought, victorious battle has spilled so much bloodshed that the happiness and intimacy of your relationship has been badly damaged (so much so sometimes that it is beyond repair). Yeah, you might have won the battle, but you have surely lost the war. This means you haven’t really won anything at all, especially if you are well on your way to destroying your relationship.
So what exactly is going on here? Why is it so important for us to be ‘right” when we fight with the one we love? Why do we believe we have to “win”? Chances are it has little, if anything, to do with the issue(s) you are fighting about. It is more likely related to some unresolved issue(s) in your past that you are allowing to creep into your present situation. Take this competitive energy and use it to redecorate your home, plant a beautiful garden, advance your career or improve your work-out. If you insist on using it in your relationship, there is a pretty good chance that, in the final analysis, you won’t have one. You will have won your argument, and be all alone to savor your victory; “to the victor goes the spoils”. Your victory might just leave you thinking if it was really all that important to win the argument at all costs after all?
Sure, all couples fight. If the way we fight destroys our relationship, we need to stop and think about how important it is to “win”. Winning only happens if, once the fight is over, you are still
Building Together a Relationship filled with Love, Health & Wealth
Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog
twitter@drpattyann
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Wow. Interesting. I was reading to a female friend of mine, and she agreed wholeheartedly.
She said “It’s not about winning the argument, it’s about coming to a mutual understanding, and respecting each other’s point of view. Even if you agree to disagree, at least you can respect the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Because after all, if you truly care about this person, their thoughts and feelings should be paramount.”
(There was much more to be SAID on this subject, but I told her to shut up, because her opinion was too much to type. lol)
I have a QUESTION, though. At WHAT POINT is it time to just “end the argument?” And will that truly SOLVE anything?
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